How Are You Doing?

I get asked this question a lot. More than I want most days, honestly. Sometimes I wish this question wasn't such a good conversation starter! When I'm asked this question it can always go one of two ways. The first way is that I'm horrible, completely miserable and way super lonely. Which just so happens to be the honest to goodness, deep down truth. The second way is that I'm fantastic, happy as a lark and enjoying my peaceful times! Which just so happens to be my cover up so no one feels bad for asking me. 

So which way makes you feel more comfortable?

The second way definitely makes me feel more comfortable. Which is why I answer that question 99.9% of the time that way. But I haven't always answered the question that way. I used to answer it the first way. Why put up a front when honesty is the best policy? Well, I started slipping into a horrible, negative downward spiral because I truly believed I would always be that way. 

These negative spirals are so easy to get caught and stuck in. It's way easier to tell myself that I can't do it. I can't be the mom these kids need. I can't clean my house. I can't lift that weight for back squats. I can't eat healthy. I can't, I can't, I can't. I quickly realized that living this way was not doing me any favors. I was practicing what I was preaching to myself and everything around me crumbled. And I kept letting it. Until one day I realized I had to stop.

 But how? How could I stop this negative spiral from continuing? 

Right around when I realized this, the LDS church had their General Woman's Broadcast. I kept getting that whisper in my head, "Brianna, you need to go. Brianna, you can't miss this one. Brianna, you need to hear the words that will be spoken at this conference." These words kept eating away at me. How was I going to be able to go? I needed a sitter for all of my kids and most of my go to sitters would be going as well. Then it dawned on me, I have family! Luckily Dustin's mom was available and jumped up like it was nothing to come watch them so I could go. As I sat in that chapel, listening to the words from the speakers, I knew why I needed to be there. All of the talks were amazing and just what I needed to hear. But the very last speaker, President Uchtdorf, spoke more than a thousand words to me. 

He used a parable, just as Jesus did in the old days, to get his point across. In his parable there was a little girl who was to go live with her great aunt while her mother recovered from surgery over the summer. This great aunt had never married, never had any kids and had always been alone. Except for a pet cat. This girl was very nervous and apprehensive to go live with her great aunt. But what she didn't realize was that her great aunt was a wonderful, happy and fun woman! She had many friends and people that loved her. But why? She was completely alone. Life didn't go as it should have. This little girls great aunt explained to her that many years ago, she realized life wasn't going the way it should have and so she decided she was going to make the best of her life and be as happy as she could be with what she had. 

Um, WOW. What a strong woman! She found happiness during a time in her life when she could've chosen to stay so miserable! Well holy tollitos batman! That's me! Life definitely did not go as planned in my book. So, where do I go from here?

How can I make my life happy?

Folks, I'm here to tell you it starts with me. Like Kenny Cheney sings in his song, Never Wanted Nothing More, "I'm what I am, I'm what I'm not. I'm sure happy with what I've got. I live to love and laugh a lot, and that's all I need." Well shit Sherlock! I need to live this! Love this and own this! I am still working on it though. It is not an easy task to be ok with who you are after such a great loss. Putting those puzzle pieces back together is hard when there will always be a missing piece. But by finding the positive in everything I do on a daily basis, I am starting to see how life really is going how it should! At last I see the light! And it's like the fog has lifted! And at last I see the light! And it's like the sky is new! And it's warm and real and bright, and the world has somehow shifted! Oh wait, sorry, not watching Tangled or anything right now . . . 

What I'm saying is that I no longer hate the question, How are you doing? I'm sure some days I still will hate this question. It's inevitable, but 99.9% of the time, I can now answer with my second answer and actually believe it and own it. It is a good way to keep me in check. Make sure I am still doing my best at making my life happy with what I've got. And my friends, that's all I need :) 

So, how are YOU doing? 

My Foundation

Aaaaannnnndddd I've now reached my 18 month mark. Wow! An entire year and a half that he has been gone. It's hard for me to believe I have made it to this point. Right after it happened I kept telling myself, "Ok, you got this Brianna. If you can make it a year, you can make it a lifetime!" Yeah, little did I know all of the realizations I would hit after my year mark. You see, a year ago when I started this blog, I was in what I like to call "Widow Fog." It's really good about clouding your mind, making you very numb to anything and everything that is going on around you. Helping you to push those deep routed, amazing memories that are just too painful to have surface that soon. And I don't know what it is about hitting that one year mark that magically makes it disappear. But it does. And all of those deep routed, amazing memories start flooding back into your memory bank. When that happened for me, I realized that the very foundation my family had been built upon was completely shattered into more than a million pieces and I somehow needed to put them back together to make my family's foundation strong again. 

So how the hell am I supposed to do that when everything that had made it rock solid before was now gone? 

Dustin and I were a team. We had finally reached a point where we had found our groove as a couple. We were able to work together without really having to ask one another to do something. We just noticed what needed to be done and did it. He was a very affectionate man. He'd hug me, kiss me, rub my feet or my back or shoulders. He'd brush my hair or run his fingers through it when he could tell I had a hard day. We talked to each other about everything. Literally everything. There was no secret between us. We shared serious thoughts and concerns to silly, stupid thoughts to intimate thoughts to happy and fun thoughts and everything in between. We did everything in our power to make our foundation rock solid! So how am I to do that now? How am I supposed to make my new foundation as strong as it was before, alone? 

This task at hand is in no way, shape or form easy. In fact, it is the HARDEST thing I have ever had do. I don't have that second parent. I don't have that second set of hands. I don't really have someone who knows me as deep as Dustin did, yet. I don't have someone to come home and hug me or kiss me or rub my back/shoulders or play with my hair everyday. I don't have someone within the walls of my own home to lean on anymore for literally every aspect of my life. But, I do have a select few people around me who are truly showing me they love and care for me. Who are putting forth the effort to get to know me on that deeper level and really help me when I need it the most. And with these amazing people, I will be able to make my foundation rock solid again. I will be able to pick up those shattered pieces and put them back together in new and different spots. It might not be the way I planned on making my foundation rock solid again, but I can't do all of this 100% alone. So I will take all the help I can get with building this new foundation of mine! 

Acceptance

I can't believe I am here. I can't believe I have made it to the area of grief where I can finally say I have accepted the fact that my husband died and I am a widow. I thought I was here months ago! But then more time passed, more events in life happened and I grew even more. You see, grief is everyone's own journey to travel. You don't really know how you are going to travel it until it comes barreling down your hallway, banging on your door and pushing itself in. But once it does and you are forced to walk down that road, you slowly learn how to deal with it. Taking a hundred steps forward, a thousand backwards and then a million forward again. 

I had kept myself pretty sheltered over the past 17 months. Not really talking to people out of my friend/family circle, not trying to make new friends or putting myself out there. It was too painful for me to have to talk about over and over again to new people, explaining to them my life and knowing that they wouldn't understand. But I woke up one morning and realized that I wasn't living my life. I wasn't enjoying the direction it was going. I am a fun, happy person. I am a brave, confident girl. Why was I trying to hide my past? Why was I so afraid to live life after loosing my husband? Because I was afraid if I pressed forward I would loose him forever. I was afraid I would let my past define who I am. I very quickly learned though, with the help of a dear friend, that I wouldn't loose him forever and that I shouldn't let my past define who I am. But I needed the time to mentally let all of this make sense in my head. 

It was a tough mental battle to fight on a daily basis! Telling myself that I could tuck away my life with him into a very special place in my heart and mind hurt. It hurt more than anything I've ever felt. But letting myself know that by tucking away those amazing memories, I was making room for even more amazing memories with my kids and maybe one day, another love, was beautiful. The day I figured out how to do that, my life changed in a direction for the better and it helped me down the road in learning how to not let my past define me. 

It still took a little while for me to figure out how to not let my past define who I am, though. My past has made me who I am today and it continues to help shape and mold me. But learning to not let it define me was tough! I mean, how do you not let your past define you when it is what has shaped you and continues to shape you? It's actually quite simple. Don't live in your past. When you continue to live in your past, you are reliving all of it, all the time. There is no room for anything else in your present or future when you continue to live in the past. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't like continuously living in my past. I don't like feeling stuck or trapped. I don't like it when things are unorganized or out of order. When you live in the past, your mind is unorganized and events get misplaced because you are trying to make sense of something that has already happened and you are trying to live in the present at the same time. Which is not an easy task! So "letting go" of my past, tucking it into a very safe place in my heart and mind and letting myself live in my present is how I managed to stop letting my past define who I am. 

Finally being able to say that I have accepted this life is amazing to me. I honestly never thought I would make it here. I never thought I would get to the stage of re-entry into life with true new beginnings. But being here feels so good! I have worked so hard to get here! I have taken a hundred steps forward, a thousand backwards and a million more forward. And I will continue to do that on this grief journey. But it is a journey I get to call mine and make it how I want it. Accepting even more areas as I continue on down it! 

Difficult Road, Beautiful Destination

So the other day I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, as I do WAY too often, but hey, I'm super lonely!!  Anyway, I came across a few quotes that really hit me hard and deep.  One of those quotes said, "Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations."(Toby Mac)  It really got me thinking.  Do difficult roads really lead you to beautiful destinations?  So I sat there for a while, totally in my own little world, really pondering how I felt about this.  And then I remembered a very difficult road I recently traveled with one of my best friends.  We were camping and decided to go to a lake that has a pretty difficult road.  Super bumpy, full of pot holes and washboarded from the elements.  But it takes you to a beautiful lake that has wonderful fishing.  If you keep traveling on this road, that becomes even more difficult, it leads you to even more beautiful forest and lakes that are not seen by many people.  We had never taken that road further so we didn't know how difficult it was actually going to be.  Which ended up being even more difficult that the road we had just traveled.  But after traveling it, we found out that it was well worth it!  So I started to think even more about my own personal situation.  I am traveling a road less traveled.  Just like the road my friend and I traveled.  My road has a lot of deep pot holes, is super bumpy and washboarded like crazy.  It has it's smooth spots, but most of it is not easy to navigate.  Do I know if my difficult road is worth it?  No, not really.  But if it is anything like that road my friend and I took and it ends up leading me to a beautiful life, I am more than willing to travel my difficult road.

 

The other quote I found is from my most favorite member of the First Presidency of the LDS church.  The quote reads, "Sandwiched between their Once Upon a Time and their Happily Ever After, they all had to experience great adversity." -Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  This quote is very much like the first one.  But it got me thinking on an entirely different level yet again.  I had a "Happily Ever After" which was fulfilled when I married Dustin, had our four kids and got sealed in the temple as a family.  We then continued our "Happily Ever After" which did not come easy.  We went through some very trying times but those trying times are what continued to create our "Happily Ever After."  I never knew that my "Happily Ever After" would be destroyed in the blink of an eye and become a "Once Upon a Time," though.  But wait, was it really destroyed?  No, it wasn't.  I still have that.  I am sealed to Dustin and our kids.  I will be with him again some day and he will still complete my "Happily Ever After."  But I will be able to have a man one day that will help me create an even better "Happily Ever After."  So, mine didn't end when Dustin died, I gained another chance to add to my "Happily Ever After!"  I know without a shadow of a doubt that Dustin loves me deeply and I love him deeply too.  But I get another chance at love!  I get another chance to welcome another man into my crazy life who loves me for me, loves my kids for who they are and who understands our "baggage" and still chooses to be there for us.  What greater love is there than that?  That love is a choice and is even deeper because of what all we will have been through.  It will become a love story that will astound so many people.  But it definitely won't happen without adversity.  But that adversity will continue to add great strength to my "Happily Ever After."  Pres. Uchtdorf's quote doesn't mean what it might mean to you.  I have an actual "Once Upon a Time" and a new yet continuing "Happily Ever After."  All in which is not going to be easy, but all of it will be worth it.  And the difficult road that I will travel will lead me to the most beautiful destination I've ever seen.

Going the Distance

Boy have I been up to a lot since I last wrote!  I learned so much at a Widow's conference I went to in April and have really been working on myself since then. The other day I saw a quote on my Pinterest feed that jumped out to me and really made me think.  The quote said, "Honor the space between no longer and not yet." (Nancy Levin)  As I write today I am going to explain where I have now come from rock bottom.  And how much my thought process plays into this. 

To start, I had become addicted to Facebook.  I thought that if I filled my time with needless things, I would just stay numb and eventually everything would just work out.  Boy was I wrong!!  Everything around me started to suffer.  My relationship with my kids, the house, other relationships with family members, etc.  Throughout all of this there was good though.  As I'd scroll through my news feed I'd notice how depressed most of the widow groups posts would sound.  And that made me so sad.  I mean ya, the worst possible thing that could have happened to us Widows happened, but why do we all need to be so sad all the time?  Why do we need to be so depressed and sulk in our horrible pity parties?!  So I started to really change my outlook on my situation.  I realized that I didn't want to be like these other widows.  So sad and depressed all the time.  I realized that my mindset had to change and it needed to change NOW! 

So, I started trying to create a new life for me and the kids.  With new weekly traditions mixed in with our old ones.  I started to do things for me and not think about how I wish Dustin could be here for all of it.  I started to let go of what was and embrace what will be.  I began to build up a wall around the life I had with Dustin, tucking it deeper into my soul so that I could let my new life in.  Now this really wasn't an easy task.  Distancing myself from the life I loved so much and the one I want back so badly hurt beyond explanation.  It continues to hurt as each day passes but it doesn't hurt as much as it did the day before.  But I knew that if I wanted to find love, joy and pure happiness again, I'd have to do this.  And by doing this doesn't mean that I will stop loving Dustin and the life we built together, because I will always love that life and wish it back.  But it does mean that I can find love, joy and happiness again.  I can live the life that I know Dustin wants for me and our kids.  I can finally be ok with the fact that I will have new love again and that the kids will have a step dad some day.  And knowing this will happen makes me feel so happy!!  It makes me love the life I am living and I feel like I'm living the life I love.  

I still do struggle from time to time though.  And I will always have my struggles as well as the kids.  But being able to have a more positive out look on the life I was given makes the entire difference in the world.  And being able to accept this life for what it is, not what it was or what it will be, makes a huge difference as well.  Living in the now and not wondering or worrying about what is to come, which takes practice and patience, but it is beyond worth it.  I have learned to honor the space between no longer and not yet and I am going the distance to make my life what I want it to be!  

Breakthrough

Wow!  It has been WAY too long since I've last written!!  But, there is a major reason for that.  The last time I wrote was on the first Angelversary.  Which I thought I did fairly well on!  I was happy, at peace and felt so very strong.  And then that day ended and I felt like my "new" life really had to begin.  Why did I feel that now??  I mean it had been a year of me having to adjust to my new life, but why did it all of a sudden feel like it HAD to start now?  Well my friends, that is what I am going to tell you about tonight.  I don't talk much about the ugly side of this grief.  It saddens me.  It angers me.  It gives me more anxiety than I know how to handle.  But, tonight you are going to read about some of it first hand.  So sit back, relax and enjoy my ride!

So on the morning of April 1, a year after we buried him, I thought to myself, Ok Bri, you got this!  You've made it a year now and have obviously been successful.  All of the kids are alive, you are alive and no one has been severely hurt.  You are doing pretty damn good!!  And then just like that, BAM!  It hit me.  I had made it a year without him.  I had made it to the point of when he was supposed to be home and we were supposed to be at our new duty station establishing the next chapter in our lives.  I had mentally made it past the point in my mind I prepared myself for before he left to Korea.  Now what?  I'm no longer a military wife.  I am a military widow.  How does one make a mindset for that?  That's not something they tell you about at the Basic Military Training family briefing.  That's not something anyone can help you prepare for.  So now what?  I am used to TDY's, short tours and possible deployments.  But for the rest of this earthly life?  Hell no.  Hell NO!  HELL NO!!

In that moment is when I fell.  I fell so hard and so fast I was passed the drowning point.  I was past the point of  no return.  I had finally hit my lowest point in this journey so far.  I literally didn't want to move.  I didn't want to eat.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  I didn't want to take care of my kids.  I wanted to have the biggest pity party and wallow in it.  I put myself on auto pilot and just did the necessary tasks everyday.  I cried.  A lot.  I sobbed.  All the time.  I detached myself from everyone and everything I possibly could.  I let myself be this way for about a week or two.  Rarely showering.  Hardly eating.  Not cleaning my house at all.  Letting the laundry literally pile up so much we lived out of laundry baskets and I didn't know what was clean and what was dirty anymore.  I made sure the kids were taken care of but the rest suffered greatly.

As I let myself feel all of these horrible emotions and feelings I also started to grow closer to my Savior.  I knew that he was the ONLY one who understood everything I was feeling.  So after my two weeks of wallowing in self pity I fell to my knees and prayed, hard.  I prayed for more strength than I ever have before.  I prayed for the ability to persevere.  I prayed for the knowledge and patience I needed to raise these kids alone.  I prayed for myself to be able to find a mindset to make it through the rest of my earthly years without the love of my life.  I prayed just to pray and let him know I loved Him and trusted ever so fervently in His plan for me.  And slowly but surely I started coming out of that HORRIBLE depression.  I started feeling stronger, started having more patience with my kids, started feeling a new mindset come into place.  I knew that he was listening to me and was answering my prayers.  I knew that He knew all of the struggles I was facing as a young widowed mother to four young kids.  I knew that He knew the challenges I was having with finding who I was without Dustin.  And He wanted to be there to help me but was waiting for me to ask for His help in my own time.

Once I was able to really listen, see and feel all of His signs of love is when I had my breakthrough moment.  I knew that I have a purpose left on this earth to fulfill and He needed me to get up and start pressing on to fulfill it.  As the days have continued since then, I still pray all day long.  It's as if I have a constant prayer going in my heart at all times.  I still struggle.  I will always have that struggle.  But the struggle has been made easier to push through with the help from my Savior.  I have been able to make leaps and bounds forward in the past month and I am so happy I have.  It doesn't mean that I still won't fall flat again at another point in this journey.  But I know I have Him there right by my side to lead me and guide me back to where I want to be.

It's not always gonna be rainbows and butterfly's, but it is my grief journey and I am the boss of it dammit!  I get to make it what I want it to be.  And being miserable is NOT what I want for myself.  Nor does my Savior and Dustin.  So breaking through and pressing on with positivity is where I stand.  Letting life happen and enjoying the ride I have left!!

A Good Man

Today marks the first angelversary for Dustin.  Exactly a year ago today my life changed in a way I could never have expected it to until I was at least 75.  But it did, it happened.  So as today approached I had so much anxiety.  So much fear as to what the day would bring.  A chunk of my heart was taken from me and I won't ever get it back while I am here on earth.  I was afraid I'd have nightmares, I was afraid I'd be a hot mess all day long.  That I wouldn't want to get out of bed, or eat anything or get dressed.  But today was different.  Different than any other day I have experienced thus far.

I woke up to kids, as usual, but I didn't wake up grumpy or mad or sad or depressed like I sometimes do.  I woke up happy, peaceful and full of comfort and love.  The hymn Be Still, My Soul was playing in my head and the lyrics to that song read as this:

  Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

  With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
  Leave to thy God to order and provide;
  In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
  Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
  Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

  Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

  Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father and Dustin put that song into my head.  They wanted to let me know that I would be ok.  That He really is there for me, that He sees my struggles but helps me through them and is there every step of the way.  Waking up to that hymn this morning was an answer to the prayers I have been saying all week leading up to this day.  Just as they were answered on March 17 (which was the last time I heard from him a year ago) with the sound of his heartbeat as I laid down to sleep, just as if I was laying down on his chest to fall asleep like I did every night.  I knew this morning, as well as on the night of the 17, that he is ok.  That he is diligently working up there in heaven, patiently waiting for me, just as I am doing down here for him.  And he wants me to know this, so he sends me these small, little signs to let me know he is still there.  

After the day's events were finally over and I had the chance to process what went on today, I started to look back on this day a year ago.  I couldn't tell you much from that day.  Nor do I really want to rack my brain trying to remember what happened.  But one thought that I do remember going through my head was "How the hell am I going to raise 4 kids, all still currently under 5 without their dad?  How am I going to make it through this first year?!"  I know I was reassured by his Commanding Officer from Davis-Monthan that everything would be ok.  And little did I know then how well the military would take care of me and our kids.  Dustin might not have died while in action, but he died while faithfully serving our country.  And they treat the families of their fallen amazingly well.  We have been and continue to be so well taken care of that a simple Thank You doesn't even begin to cover what they have done for us.  

Our kids have also been my rock.  Without their questions and constant prodding at me for answers as to why their daddy had to die, what he died from, when is he going to come back home, when are they going to be able to wrestle with him and on and on, I would not be in the place I am today with my grief journey.  Because of them I have been able to heal and heal way faster than I ever expected to accomplish within a year.  I have taken leaps and bounds forward, with millions of steps backwards, but those backwards steps are what make me even stronger.  Those moments of weakness make me stronger.  Just like my favorite scripture from the Book of Mormon says, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)  Without Him giving me this trial to realize my weaknesses, I would not be as strong of a person as I am today.  As painful as this trial is, I am becoming such a strong daughter of my Heavenly Father.  And I know without a shadow of a doubt he will bless me and my kids greatly for that!  

And last but not least, my biggest puzzle piece to this entire thing is my sweet, sweet Dustin.  Unfortunately, none of this would have been possible without him.  I wouldn't have met all of the wonderful people that have helped me through this journey without him.  None of them would be as blessed as they are without him coming into their lives.  Dustin ALWAYS wanted to be that man that everyone loved and admired.  He wanted to be the guy that people knew they could count on, the guy that could be strong and tough but also fun and loving.  He never thought he was that man nor did he ever think he could become that man.  In high school there was a song that was really popular on the radio called A Good Man by Emerson Drive.  He used to tell me that he wanted to be that man.  Little does he know (well he probably knows it all now) that he is that man.  He is the man that left such an impression of every one's life he came in contact with.  Whether it was a few hours, a day, weeks, months or years.  He left such an impression on everyone to be better.  But not for just them, for their families and friends.  Just like his good friend and the man he looked up to said today, He might have had a short time here on this earth, but he lived his life to the fullest and was the best possible man he could be.  And he did it because he wanted to, not because he was told to.  And he loved every minute of it.  To be the one to say, Yes, Dustin Owens is my husband, is an honor.  A cherished honor I will forever hold near and dear to my heart.  

Dustin, you are a good man.  You accomplished every word from that song and more.  Your dreams did come true.  The ones that truly mattered in your life.  And I am honored to be the one to carry on your legacy for our kids and everyone around us!  To infinity and beyond Teddy Bear!!!

The Tragedy We Call Life

Grab your tissue box, you *might* cry with this one.  Or you might learn a thing or two from this post, like I have learned over the past 11 months.  But, tonight I am writing you about my kids and how they have handled this grieving train in our tragedy we call life.  

After Dusty had first passed away, so many people told me that kids are resilient, they will bounce back so fast!  I also heard that some of my four will never really grieve because they either never knew their dad or won't have any memories or really any recollection of him.  I also heard that loosing a parent was comparable to loosing a dog or a cat.  Well, apparently these people have never met my kids.  Or maybe they haven't lost someone like we did?  Or maybe they just didn't know what to say so they said what they've heard.  Who knows, and honestly, I don't really care because what we have learned as a family is that you don't know how you will act and/or react in/to a situation until you are put into that situation.  But as I have watched my kids over the past year, I have seen them go through some very hard and painful situations.  I have watched each of them move through their grief in their own way.  And all at very different times.

Being a mother to four kids, three in which are grieving, is very hard.  It takes a lot of time, patience and effort.  They aren't as resilient as some would have thought.  They are also ALL moving through their own grief cycles and if they had the knowledge to tell you that loosing a parent is NOTHING like loosing a pet, I'm sure they would.  You see, our kids are very bright individuals.  (Not that they are smarter than any other kid, but tragedy has a way of enhancing some things)  They know that their daddy left to Korea.  They knew that he was going to be coming home.  They knew that daddy died.  They knew that daddy was in a coffin and that his body was buried.  They know that daddy's spirit went to heaven. They know that when the resurrection happens daddy will be reunited with his body, as will all of them, and that we will be a family again.  But what they don't know is the concept of time.  The slow and silent killer.  T I M E.  As I have sat back and silently listened to all of them I have noticed that, just like me, they are all grieving 100% totally different than the one before them.  

Our oldest, who was 4 1/2 at the time, has been grieving since the day her daddy left to Korea and even more so since he has passed away.  But she was very quiet about a lot of her grief in the first 9 months.  She acted out.  Her tendencies intensified.  A fear of abandonment starting setting in.  She didn't know what to do.  She didn't know how to ask for help from me or really anyone for that matter.  So I made sure she knew I was there for her.  Slowly but surely she started talking about him more and more.  Memories of him, stories about him, more and more questions about him while he was alive and more and more questions about how he died, if her future husband would die young, why daddy had to die, why daddy had to go to Korea etc.  As time continues to pass, though, she is slowly grasping the concept of death.  What it really is and sort of why it happens.  Her questions just keep coming, too.  Which is why I think she is finally starting to grasp this tragedy she calls her life.  

Our son, who was 3 1/2 at the time, is just now really starting to realize that his daddy really isn't coming home.  That his daddy is in heaven but his body is buried in the ground in a coffin.  He is struggling with how his daddy came home from Korea, though.  He remembers saying good bye to him at the airport, but he can't put the pieces together with his daddy flying to Korea, dying and then being sent back home on an airplane.  He thinks about this often because we talk about it several times.  Every day.  But he just can't quite grasp it yet.  Soon enough he will and then we will have a whole knew wave of grief hit when that day comes.  He also has a hard time with the fact that he will never see his daddy on this earth again.  It has been very hard for him to accept this.  Which I can completely understand!  A boy and his dad have such a tight and bonded relationship from birth.  So to loose that has got to be just awful!!  He also has a fear that he will also die young and not be there for me and his sisters.  He doesn't want to leave us like his daddy did and have us be even more sad.  But what I've noticed with him is that he talks.  Nonstop.  All day.  Trying to just make sense of this tragedy he calls life.  

Our third, who was 1 1/2 at the time, didn't really realize anything until about a month ago.  She started acting horrible to everyone around her.  Hitting, kicking, pushing, punching, spitting, scratching, screaming, throwing toys or other objects at people etc.  I had to really stop and think about why she was doing this.  Then it clicked.  (With the help of a counselor) She was starting to grieve her daddy's death too.  She was starting to feel envious of her brother and sister, who had all of these memories with their dad.  Who were able to talk about him together and reminisce about the time they had with him.  In which she was there for all of these memories too, but she can't remember them or she can remember, but isn't able to vocalize them as well as her siblings.  She knows all of the same things her older brother and sister do and she talks about them often, too.  But how can you expect, a now 2 yr old, to comprehend that her daddy died?  It's hard enough for me to comprehend it sometimes!!  But, with her, the more pictures I show her, the more stories I tell her and the more I include her in our stories and memories with him, the happier she seems to become.  The better she gets with this tragedy she calls life.    

Our fourth, who I was still pregnant with at the time, is not necessarily grieving yet but she will.  In my opinion, she will be my kid that has a harder time than the rest of them because she never got to have her daddy on earth.  She won't have any memories of him or with him.  Ever.  But one thing I do know is that she knows who he is.  She hears his voice from the book he recorded before he left and immediately perks up or stops fussing and crawls over to sit and listen to him.  I also hear her push her daddy bear he recorded for her several times and I know it puts a smile on her face.  One day, she will join in with all of us on this grieving train and start grasping this tragedy she calls life.  

So, as you can see, resilience really isn't there.  Maybe to some extent, but not in any way others explained it to me, or I thought it would present itself.  There is also grieving, coming from all four of them within reason, for their ages.  And this is sure as hell no way even close to loosing a pet.  My heart aches and breaks daily for my kids.  But, as I have had to learn, this is their trial to bear.  Just as loosing my husband is mine.  I can be there for them, just like my friends and family are for me, to lead and guide them, be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to.  But, this is ultimately their trial to bear, as individually as they are unique in their own ways.   

A Time and A Season

It has come to the time to where I have been able to heal a little more from this horrific tragedy I call my life.  It has been almost a year now and I have learned a lot within this year.  I have grown a lot.  I have realized that I can't do it all.  That I do break.  That I am strong, but it is because I let myself fall and I pick myself back up.  I have realized that I am ok with talking to complete strangers or new found friends about what happened.  About what was going on before, during and after it was all said and done.  I have realized that there really is a time and a season for every aspect of life.  For everyone.

Easy enough to understand, right?  You might think so.  I did too.  Before my life was shattered at the ringing sound of my doorbell.

Putting myself into situations with others where questions are asked about my late husband, some not even realizing I have a late husband, really made me stop and think.  It brought back a lot of those first emotions and feelings I had right after it all happened.  Anger, guilt, denial, more anger, wondering why now, etc.  But now that I am able to process all of this a little better, not much, but just enough to put things into perspective for me, I slowly noticed that there really is a time and a season for everything.

Right after it happened I was given a book called Lifetimes.  In this book life is explained so that a child can understand what life is all about.  It tells us that there is a beginning, a middle and an ending in life and that things can die any where from the beginning to the ending.  It explains that everything has a lifetime.  Reading it to my kids every night for almost a year now, it never really dawned on me.  Everything really does have a lifetime and it is unique to that thing!!  Well no Fricking DUH!!  We all know that!!  But STOP.  Think about it.  Fill my cup, put some . . . Oh, sorry, can't stop singing Uptown Funk!  Ok, back to my point.  For us as humans, we all think that we are going to grow old and die because we are old.  You never think that you will actually die before you're at least 75 nowadays.  So when it happens to someone as young as Dustin, or even younger and way younger you start to question your beliefs.  Whatever that may be, you wonder why?!  Why did that baby have to die before it even got the chance to take its first breath?  Why did that toddler have to die from cancer?  Why did that young boy have to get killed in a car accident?  Why did that teenager have to get pinned by a drunk driver and die from his injuries?  Why did an amazing father have to die from a vaccine?  Why did that mother have to die of cancer?  Why, why, WHY??? 

Unfortunately, none of us have the answer to any of those few scenarios of why people die "before their time."  But was it really before their time?  Or is that what we think and how we feel because as humans we have been taught that?  We all have our own perception of things.  And my perception of dying "too young" is not that anymore.  It's that, that was their lifetime.  They were sent from heaven to fulfill this short amount of time, to us, so they could live their life in the time span that was given them and accomplish what was asked of them.

Now, by all means, this doesn't take away the fact that for those of us that are left can just move on or press forward and get over it.  In fact, it is the exact opposite in my opinion.  It is so hard knowing that my sweet husband didn't even get to see his last baby girl come into this world.  That was his lifetime, though.  And dammit, it was a f*cking good one!

When you stop to think about those who have left you too soon, or even when it really was their time because they were old, they all left an amazing impact on your life.  They all somehow, someway taught you something that you will carry with you forever.  And we need to be grateful for that.  Anyone and everyone who has left this earth is a living legacy.  But it is up to us on how their lifetime, their time and season, is perceived.  And it is also up to us to remember, there really is a time and a season for everything.  No matter what we feel is "normal" for a that.

I am Machine

So it's been quite a while since my last post.  I have been doing a lot of self reflection.  Which has been very tough while taking care of sick kids and conquering new waves of grief for us all.  But it has also been very good.  Something I needed to do.  To keep moving.  To truly start thriving instead of just merely surviving.  

As I was making a trek to Tucson a few days ago a song had come on.  (Yeah I know, another song) But as I drove, alone, listening to the lyrics and the way the artist was singing it I couldn't help but think to myself, This is me.  I am feeling and acting just like this! The song that was playing was "I Am Machine" by Three Days Grace.  It talks about being human with pain and suffering, beauty within the bleeding and being able to feel it.  But feeling as if you are a machine.  Not sleeping, not feeling, only trying to fix what's broken and wishing you could feel something.  Taking so many things for granted in the highs and lows, wishing you could just belong.  Not caring about right and wrong, repeating feeling like a machine, not sleeping, not feeling and only trying to fix what's broken.  Since Dustin passed away, this is exactly how I have felt.

I feel as if I am a machine!

I don't feel anymore.  I don't sleep.  I have a hard time differentiating between some wrongs and rights and find that I really don't care sometimes.  I can be in a room full of people and feel like I don't belong.  Feel like I am completely alone.  All I have wanted to do is fix what is broken in my life.  Which unfortunately is impossible within this earthly life.  

After the song finished and I related so well to those lyrics, I thought to myself, Holy Shit Brianna!!  You can't keep going like this!  Yes, part of you, nope, no, most of you died when he died.  But you can't let that stop you!  I couldn't tell you anything else about that drive other than I spent the rest of it pondering how I got to this point and how I could make this better.  How I could stop being a machine and just surviving instead of thriving.  

I came to the conclusion really fast that the reason I became a machine was because I was not ready to accept the fact that I am now a widow.  That I was widowed at 24, pregnant with our fourth child, with three other children under the age of 5.  I realized right then I needed to accept that fact, that I AM a widow and a young, single mother to four children five and under.  I realized that I needed to basically slap myself in the face, wake myself up and smell my roses.  As wilted as they seemed to me, I still needed to smell them and realize the beauty they once had.  I needed to do this so that I could make my life and our kids' lives better by thriving and not merely surviving.

Now this is one of those things that is way easier said than done.  Waking up everyday, smelling those wilted roses, making myself break out of my machine and face my life head on has been very, very hard.  It has taken constant prayers, constant self reflection, constant pep talks.  I am mentally exhausted at the end of every day.  But when I look into my kids' eyes I am reminded of why it is so important.  I am reminded of why all of this is worth it.  They need to thrive and not simply survive, too.  And the only way they will learn is by my example.  

So, I am no longer a machine!  I am Brianna Owens, I am a widow and I have four beautiful blessings to remind me of why this life is so important to thrive in and not merely survive!!  

The Darkest Nights Produce the Brightest Stars

Lately as I have continued on with my days, finally settling into my new normal, I have had many "dark" hours.  Hours where I am completely alone.  Wishing I had Dustin to talk to, to lean on, to hold, to fall into and just sob.  I have had many futuristic decisions start to come my way that I want his advice on and his opinion about.  It has taken everything in me not to just completely fall apart in these moments.  But it is within these harsh yet tender moments that I have started to lean on The Lord and have Him help me brighten those dim stars within my world.

As one of my goals for 2015 I challenged myself to read the New Testament, say my prayers and go to church, as much as possible with 4 kids.  I chose to read the New Testament because it is all about Christ and his life.  And who knows better my exact pain than Him?  Now, being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints my whole life, I've always known that if I read my scriptures, say my prayers and go to church, my life will be greatly blessed.  But what I didn't really realize was my heart AND spirit had to be into the entire thing too.  So as of recently I have put my heart and spirit into these three textbook church answers and my outcome is exactly what I need right now.  

In my darkest of hours I turn to The Lord.  All day, everyday I pray to Him.  I seem to struggle the most at night, after everyone has gone to bed, though.  When I am completely alone, all chores done, all things prepared for the next day, all things quiet and settled down.  I kneel to pray, tears flowing so fervently down my cheek.  I tell Him everything that I feel He needs to know.  But most importantly, I tell Him how I am so grateful for His Plan of Salvation and that I am so happy to be able to put my trust in Him and His will for me.  As hard as it is for me to tell him that, I believe wholeheartedly in His will for me and in His Plan of Salvation for all of us.  I then turn to my scriptures and read a chapter or two a night.  Feeding my spirit with goodness, peace, strength, courage and comfort from the examples I am learning from Christ.  When I go to church on Sundays I actually listen.  I pay attention to what He wants me to hear and learn about.  I am also keeping my end of the covenants Dustin and I made together in the Temple, with The Lord.  And by doing all of this I am seeing the many blessings come in my direction.  

How do I know I am being completely blessed you might ask?  I can see and feel Him all around me. Now can I physically see and feel Him?  Nope.  But by being so spiritually in tune, I am able to see signs from Him.  I can feel His goodness.  I am starting to see His work unfold right in front of my eyes.  For example, a couple months ago I prayed and fasted for patience with our kids.  They try mine SO much at times, but lately I have been able to hold my tongue, to a much greater extent, and see what I need to do instead of just completely freaking out.  I have also noticed a difference within myself.  I am more calm, at peace with finding myself and actually happy with the way life is going right now.  I see the little signs from Dustin all day as well.  Letting me know that he is still there, still loves me, misses me and is proud of who I am becoming without him.  Before I started putting my heart AND spirit into all of these things I was having a much harder time.  Days were so stressful, nights were unbearable.  But I have noticed a night and day difference since starting all of this three short weeks ago.

It's so interesting to see how much of a difference it all really makes to be that close to our Heavenly Father, also.  I was not nearly this close when I started my journey as a widow.  And to say that I have come this close now and to feel the difference, simply beautiful.  This is why my nights are now starting to be filled with beautiful bright stars.  I am lighting my darkness with His goodness and by doing so I am being blessed beyond belief.  And I know if I continue down this road I will be nothing but blessed and my life here on this earth really will feel as if it is a fraction in my eternal life!

Reminisce

As many of you know, I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary yesterday without Dustin.  It would've been six years for us. Yes, six short years.  But as I thought long and hard about those six short years I came to the conclusion that they have been the BEST six years of my entire life thus far.

Within the week leading up to this day, I had noticed that different songs on the radio were being played.  Songs that were near and dear to us as we'd talked about the unimaginable.  They all have to do with going on in life without the one you truly love.  So by listening to those songs, which have not played on the actually radio since he passed, I knew he was missing me just as much as I was missing him.  But that didn't change my emotions leading up to this day.  My anticipation was horrible.  My anxiety was high.  My fear was WAY high.  My emotions, not even on the chart!  But, like any other day, it was coming whether I was ready or not.  So I prayed and I prayed good and long and hard.  For strength, for courage, for peace and comfort, to be able to feel him closer than normal, for guidance and for faith.  As I prayed I felt an overwhelming peace overcome my spirit.  I could feel his everlasting, loving embrace.

The day started out rough, round three of the stomach flu made it's way in again so I was cleaning up vomit.  I was also calming a poor little boy with an awful croopy cough, soothing a little girl's eczema and soothing a teething baby.  Nothing of which I had in mind for this day, but parenting doesn't stop.  So as I sat there after breakfast, being as negative as I could be about my current situation, I heard him whisper to me, Darlin' it's ok.  We have SO many more anniversaries to come, cater to them today, you know I understand.  And just like that, my mood was instantly changed.  Not only did I hear him, but I felt him.  I knew that he knew I was sad.  For more than just those reasons and he wanted me to know that it was ok.

I immediately thought, Oh crap now it's snack time, Teddy Bear toast it is!!  So I made all of us Teddy bear toast with peanut butter, strawberries and chocolate chips.  As we all sat at the table I showed them our wedding pictures and told them our story.  The way they lit up was priceless to me.  Getting to see how happy they were learning about their mommy and daddy like that was all I needed to carry on.  And that's when it really hit me, I really do have these four beautiful blessings from him.  And even though they totally stress me out all day every day, they are our blessings and they go to show our undivided love for each other.

The day continued and seemed to get better as each moment passed.  That evening we went to grab take out food, go have a picnic with him and give him a rose that his grandparents had given me the night before.  It was the best picnic we've had yet.  The kids all mostly sat there, talked a little with him, asked me questions about him and I and actually ate their food (which is HUGE for them!)  We got home, I bathed them all and put them to bed.  They all slept well for me and I was able to get almost a full night's rest!,

So a day that could have  totally gone in another direction didn't because I listed to his still small voice, controlled my mind and enjoyed the day.  All of the anticipation leading up to this day had eased.  All of the anxieties had vanished and all of the fear had disappeared.  I also learned that even though he is on the other side of the veil, our love, the covenants we made in the temple together and our soul finally becoming as one, has not changed.  He is fully aware of what I am going through and I am fully aware that he is still with me.  It's not how I want it to be, but he is there.  Every step of the way.  And I am so grateful for this.  I am so grateful to know that even though he has been able to move on to his heavenly life, he hasn't forgotten about me.  Nor have I forgotten about him.  And being the one entrusted to carry on his legacy and raise his posterity is the greatest blessing I could ever ask for!  Just like he'd tell me all the time, if you look hard enough, there is beauty and a blessing in everything :)

New Year, New Me

Can we all breath a little better now that the holidays are done?  I know I can!!  Phew, I got through them.  I can say now that I have made it through my first set of MAJOR holidays without Dustin.  As painful as it was, I did it and I enjoyed every minute of them.  Although, ringing in the New Year had to have been the hardest for me to endure.  So many different emotions were running through me before and after midnight that night.  Many I had actually already experienced with the birth of TessieAnn, our youngest.  So tonight, I write to you about these emotions that have catapulted me into my "new" life.

Just like with every New Year you get excited, overwhelmed, full of joy from what you have been able to accomplish in the past year.  Which were all emotions I felt, even though this has been the SADDEST year of my life thus far, I was able to accomplish many positive things.  Which brought me so much joy to end the year.  But starting a new one?  Already?  It feels like just yesterday that Dustin and I rang in 2014!  Planning out our year apart, what we were going to accomplish financially while he was gone etc.  The pain from not being able to finish things we had started or having to finish them without him weighed heavily on my heart and soul.  For a long time I have wanted to go back in time, have him not pass away and change my life story.  But I can't.  What's done is done and I can't change that.  As painful as that fact is, its a true fact.  So as it got closer to midnight, I let my mind take in those thoughts of sadness and pain.  But I also let into my mind the thoughts and emotions of rebirth and regrowth.  I let myself be OK partially closing the chapter with Dustin until it can be reopened on the other side of the veil.  I let myself feel and know that it is OK to start anew.  To not forget who I was with him but to know that it is OK to put some of that away in my memories.

One thing I have learned, though, through this journey of grief is mind control.  The more mind control you have, the easier it seems to be.  Which is honestly something Dustin helped me to know and understand and I will forever be grateful to him for this.  Without him helping me to know and understand this, I wouldn't be in the amazing spot I am today with my grief.  I wouldn't have been able to get through New Year's Eve like I did and be able to feel, know and understand all of these many emotions.

OK, back to my New Year.  I have had many people ask me what my 2015 resolutions are.  I am here to tell you that I don't have any.  To me, resolutions are broken promises to yourself you make to try and start anew.  Not said that they are bad, that's just my opinion of them.  Now goals on the other hand, they are stepping stones to put you where you want to go.  Life is not about making each, individual year mean something.  Life is about making many years mean a whole lot of somethings.  I mean think about it, how fast did 2014 go for you?  If it was as fast as mine, you barely had time to breath let alone complete your resolutions.  So why not set goals for years down the road and make stepping stones to get where you really want to be in life?  Most of us seem to not be as hard on ourselves with goals and we can break them down easier than resolutions.  And that word just seems to have such an overwhelming ring to it.  As a person with anxiety, being overwhelmed is not where its at.  So this year I have made goals for myself that start my beautifully imperfect paved walkway into finding myself again.  It's not going to be easy by any means, but it is all going to be worth it.  Because in the end I will be with him again.  In the words of Carrie Underwood, "I will see you again, oh, this is not where it ends!  I will carry you with me, oh, till I see you again!"

So here's to 2015!!  A year full of goals to get me where I want to be in MY life!!  For the present and the future!!