Breakthrough

Wow!  It has been WAY too long since I've last written!!  But, there is a major reason for that.  The last time I wrote was on the first Angelversary.  Which I thought I did fairly well on!  I was happy, at peace and felt so very strong.  And then that day ended and I felt like my "new" life really had to begin.  Why did I feel that now??  I mean it had been a year of me having to adjust to my new life, but why did it all of a sudden feel like it HAD to start now?  Well my friends, that is what I am going to tell you about tonight.  I don't talk much about the ugly side of this grief.  It saddens me.  It angers me.  It gives me more anxiety than I know how to handle.  But, tonight you are going to read about some of it first hand.  So sit back, relax and enjoy my ride!

So on the morning of April 1, a year after we buried him, I thought to myself, Ok Bri, you got this!  You've made it a year now and have obviously been successful.  All of the kids are alive, you are alive and no one has been severely hurt.  You are doing pretty damn good!!  And then just like that, BAM!  It hit me.  I had made it a year without him.  I had made it to the point of when he was supposed to be home and we were supposed to be at our new duty station establishing the next chapter in our lives.  I had mentally made it past the point in my mind I prepared myself for before he left to Korea.  Now what?  I'm no longer a military wife.  I am a military widow.  How does one make a mindset for that?  That's not something they tell you about at the Basic Military Training family briefing.  That's not something anyone can help you prepare for.  So now what?  I am used to TDY's, short tours and possible deployments.  But for the rest of this earthly life?  Hell no.  Hell NO!  HELL NO!!

In that moment is when I fell.  I fell so hard and so fast I was passed the drowning point.  I was past the point of  no return.  I had finally hit my lowest point in this journey so far.  I literally didn't want to move.  I didn't want to eat.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  I didn't want to take care of my kids.  I wanted to have the biggest pity party and wallow in it.  I put myself on auto pilot and just did the necessary tasks everyday.  I cried.  A lot.  I sobbed.  All the time.  I detached myself from everyone and everything I possibly could.  I let myself be this way for about a week or two.  Rarely showering.  Hardly eating.  Not cleaning my house at all.  Letting the laundry literally pile up so much we lived out of laundry baskets and I didn't know what was clean and what was dirty anymore.  I made sure the kids were taken care of but the rest suffered greatly.

As I let myself feel all of these horrible emotions and feelings I also started to grow closer to my Savior.  I knew that he was the ONLY one who understood everything I was feeling.  So after my two weeks of wallowing in self pity I fell to my knees and prayed, hard.  I prayed for more strength than I ever have before.  I prayed for the ability to persevere.  I prayed for the knowledge and patience I needed to raise these kids alone.  I prayed for myself to be able to find a mindset to make it through the rest of my earthly years without the love of my life.  I prayed just to pray and let him know I loved Him and trusted ever so fervently in His plan for me.  And slowly but surely I started coming out of that HORRIBLE depression.  I started feeling stronger, started having more patience with my kids, started feeling a new mindset come into place.  I knew that he was listening to me and was answering my prayers.  I knew that He knew all of the struggles I was facing as a young widowed mother to four young kids.  I knew that He knew the challenges I was having with finding who I was without Dustin.  And He wanted to be there to help me but was waiting for me to ask for His help in my own time.

Once I was able to really listen, see and feel all of His signs of love is when I had my breakthrough moment.  I knew that I have a purpose left on this earth to fulfill and He needed me to get up and start pressing on to fulfill it.  As the days have continued since then, I still pray all day long.  It's as if I have a constant prayer going in my heart at all times.  I still struggle.  I will always have that struggle.  But the struggle has been made easier to push through with the help from my Savior.  I have been able to make leaps and bounds forward in the past month and I am so happy I have.  It doesn't mean that I still won't fall flat again at another point in this journey.  But I know I have Him there right by my side to lead me and guide me back to where I want to be.

It's not always gonna be rainbows and butterfly's, but it is my grief journey and I am the boss of it dammit!  I get to make it what I want it to be.  And being miserable is NOT what I want for myself.  Nor does my Savior and Dustin.  So breaking through and pressing on with positivity is where I stand.  Letting life happen and enjoying the ride I have left!!