A Good Man

Today marks the first angelversary for Dustin.  Exactly a year ago today my life changed in a way I could never have expected it to until I was at least 75.  But it did, it happened.  So as today approached I had so much anxiety.  So much fear as to what the day would bring.  A chunk of my heart was taken from me and I won't ever get it back while I am here on earth.  I was afraid I'd have nightmares, I was afraid I'd be a hot mess all day long.  That I wouldn't want to get out of bed, or eat anything or get dressed.  But today was different.  Different than any other day I have experienced thus far.

I woke up to kids, as usual, but I didn't wake up grumpy or mad or sad or depressed like I sometimes do.  I woke up happy, peaceful and full of comfort and love.  The hymn Be Still, My Soul was playing in my head and the lyrics to that song read as this:

  Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

  With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
  Leave to thy God to order and provide;
  In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
  Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
  Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

  Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

  Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father and Dustin put that song into my head.  They wanted to let me know that I would be ok.  That He really is there for me, that He sees my struggles but helps me through them and is there every step of the way.  Waking up to that hymn this morning was an answer to the prayers I have been saying all week leading up to this day.  Just as they were answered on March 17 (which was the last time I heard from him a year ago) with the sound of his heartbeat as I laid down to sleep, just as if I was laying down on his chest to fall asleep like I did every night.  I knew this morning, as well as on the night of the 17, that he is ok.  That he is diligently working up there in heaven, patiently waiting for me, just as I am doing down here for him.  And he wants me to know this, so he sends me these small, little signs to let me know he is still there.  

After the day's events were finally over and I had the chance to process what went on today, I started to look back on this day a year ago.  I couldn't tell you much from that day.  Nor do I really want to rack my brain trying to remember what happened.  But one thought that I do remember going through my head was "How the hell am I going to raise 4 kids, all still currently under 5 without their dad?  How am I going to make it through this first year?!"  I know I was reassured by his Commanding Officer from Davis-Monthan that everything would be ok.  And little did I know then how well the military would take care of me and our kids.  Dustin might not have died while in action, but he died while faithfully serving our country.  And they treat the families of their fallen amazingly well.  We have been and continue to be so well taken care of that a simple Thank You doesn't even begin to cover what they have done for us.  

Our kids have also been my rock.  Without their questions and constant prodding at me for answers as to why their daddy had to die, what he died from, when is he going to come back home, when are they going to be able to wrestle with him and on and on, I would not be in the place I am today with my grief journey.  Because of them I have been able to heal and heal way faster than I ever expected to accomplish within a year.  I have taken leaps and bounds forward, with millions of steps backwards, but those backwards steps are what make me even stronger.  Those moments of weakness make me stronger.  Just like my favorite scripture from the Book of Mormon says, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)  Without Him giving me this trial to realize my weaknesses, I would not be as strong of a person as I am today.  As painful as this trial is, I am becoming such a strong daughter of my Heavenly Father.  And I know without a shadow of a doubt he will bless me and my kids greatly for that!  

And last but not least, my biggest puzzle piece to this entire thing is my sweet, sweet Dustin.  Unfortunately, none of this would have been possible without him.  I wouldn't have met all of the wonderful people that have helped me through this journey without him.  None of them would be as blessed as they are without him coming into their lives.  Dustin ALWAYS wanted to be that man that everyone loved and admired.  He wanted to be the guy that people knew they could count on, the guy that could be strong and tough but also fun and loving.  He never thought he was that man nor did he ever think he could become that man.  In high school there was a song that was really popular on the radio called A Good Man by Emerson Drive.  He used to tell me that he wanted to be that man.  Little does he know (well he probably knows it all now) that he is that man.  He is the man that left such an impression of every one's life he came in contact with.  Whether it was a few hours, a day, weeks, months or years.  He left such an impression on everyone to be better.  But not for just them, for their families and friends.  Just like his good friend and the man he looked up to said today, He might have had a short time here on this earth, but he lived his life to the fullest and was the best possible man he could be.  And he did it because he wanted to, not because he was told to.  And he loved every minute of it.  To be the one to say, Yes, Dustin Owens is my husband, is an honor.  A cherished honor I will forever hold near and dear to my heart.  

Dustin, you are a good man.  You accomplished every word from that song and more.  Your dreams did come true.  The ones that truly mattered in your life.  And I am honored to be the one to carry on your legacy for our kids and everyone around us!  To infinity and beyond Teddy Bear!!!