The Tragedy We Call Life

Grab your tissue box, you *might* cry with this one.  Or you might learn a thing or two from this post, like I have learned over the past 11 months.  But, tonight I am writing you about my kids and how they have handled this grieving train in our tragedy we call life.  

After Dusty had first passed away, so many people told me that kids are resilient, they will bounce back so fast!  I also heard that some of my four will never really grieve because they either never knew their dad or won't have any memories or really any recollection of him.  I also heard that loosing a parent was comparable to loosing a dog or a cat.  Well, apparently these people have never met my kids.  Or maybe they haven't lost someone like we did?  Or maybe they just didn't know what to say so they said what they've heard.  Who knows, and honestly, I don't really care because what we have learned as a family is that you don't know how you will act and/or react in/to a situation until you are put into that situation.  But as I have watched my kids over the past year, I have seen them go through some very hard and painful situations.  I have watched each of them move through their grief in their own way.  And all at very different times.

Being a mother to four kids, three in which are grieving, is very hard.  It takes a lot of time, patience and effort.  They aren't as resilient as some would have thought.  They are also ALL moving through their own grief cycles and if they had the knowledge to tell you that loosing a parent is NOTHING like loosing a pet, I'm sure they would.  You see, our kids are very bright individuals.  (Not that they are smarter than any other kid, but tragedy has a way of enhancing some things)  They know that their daddy left to Korea.  They knew that he was going to be coming home.  They knew that daddy died.  They knew that daddy was in a coffin and that his body was buried.  They know that daddy's spirit went to heaven. They know that when the resurrection happens daddy will be reunited with his body, as will all of them, and that we will be a family again.  But what they don't know is the concept of time.  The slow and silent killer.  T I M E.  As I have sat back and silently listened to all of them I have noticed that, just like me, they are all grieving 100% totally different than the one before them.  

Our oldest, who was 4 1/2 at the time, has been grieving since the day her daddy left to Korea and even more so since he has passed away.  But she was very quiet about a lot of her grief in the first 9 months.  She acted out.  Her tendencies intensified.  A fear of abandonment starting setting in.  She didn't know what to do.  She didn't know how to ask for help from me or really anyone for that matter.  So I made sure she knew I was there for her.  Slowly but surely she started talking about him more and more.  Memories of him, stories about him, more and more questions about him while he was alive and more and more questions about how he died, if her future husband would die young, why daddy had to die, why daddy had to go to Korea etc.  As time continues to pass, though, she is slowly grasping the concept of death.  What it really is and sort of why it happens.  Her questions just keep coming, too.  Which is why I think she is finally starting to grasp this tragedy she calls her life.  

Our son, who was 3 1/2 at the time, is just now really starting to realize that his daddy really isn't coming home.  That his daddy is in heaven but his body is buried in the ground in a coffin.  He is struggling with how his daddy came home from Korea, though.  He remembers saying good bye to him at the airport, but he can't put the pieces together with his daddy flying to Korea, dying and then being sent back home on an airplane.  He thinks about this often because we talk about it several times.  Every day.  But he just can't quite grasp it yet.  Soon enough he will and then we will have a whole knew wave of grief hit when that day comes.  He also has a hard time with the fact that he will never see his daddy on this earth again.  It has been very hard for him to accept this.  Which I can completely understand!  A boy and his dad have such a tight and bonded relationship from birth.  So to loose that has got to be just awful!!  He also has a fear that he will also die young and not be there for me and his sisters.  He doesn't want to leave us like his daddy did and have us be even more sad.  But what I've noticed with him is that he talks.  Nonstop.  All day.  Trying to just make sense of this tragedy he calls life.  

Our third, who was 1 1/2 at the time, didn't really realize anything until about a month ago.  She started acting horrible to everyone around her.  Hitting, kicking, pushing, punching, spitting, scratching, screaming, throwing toys or other objects at people etc.  I had to really stop and think about why she was doing this.  Then it clicked.  (With the help of a counselor) She was starting to grieve her daddy's death too.  She was starting to feel envious of her brother and sister, who had all of these memories with their dad.  Who were able to talk about him together and reminisce about the time they had with him.  In which she was there for all of these memories too, but she can't remember them or she can remember, but isn't able to vocalize them as well as her siblings.  She knows all of the same things her older brother and sister do and she talks about them often, too.  But how can you expect, a now 2 yr old, to comprehend that her daddy died?  It's hard enough for me to comprehend it sometimes!!  But, with her, the more pictures I show her, the more stories I tell her and the more I include her in our stories and memories with him, the happier she seems to become.  The better she gets with this tragedy she calls life.    

Our fourth, who I was still pregnant with at the time, is not necessarily grieving yet but she will.  In my opinion, she will be my kid that has a harder time than the rest of them because she never got to have her daddy on earth.  She won't have any memories of him or with him.  Ever.  But one thing I do know is that she knows who he is.  She hears his voice from the book he recorded before he left and immediately perks up or stops fussing and crawls over to sit and listen to him.  I also hear her push her daddy bear he recorded for her several times and I know it puts a smile on her face.  One day, she will join in with all of us on this grieving train and start grasping this tragedy she calls life.  

So, as you can see, resilience really isn't there.  Maybe to some extent, but not in any way others explained it to me, or I thought it would present itself.  There is also grieving, coming from all four of them within reason, for their ages.  And this is sure as hell no way even close to loosing a pet.  My heart aches and breaks daily for my kids.  But, as I have had to learn, this is their trial to bear.  Just as loosing my husband is mine.  I can be there for them, just like my friends and family are for me, to lead and guide them, be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to.  But, this is ultimately their trial to bear, as individually as they are unique in their own ways.