Going the Distance

Boy have I been up to a lot since I last wrote!  I learned so much at a Widow's conference I went to in April and have really been working on myself since then. The other day I saw a quote on my Pinterest feed that jumped out to me and really made me think.  The quote said, "Honor the space between no longer and not yet." (Nancy Levin)  As I write today I am going to explain where I have now come from rock bottom.  And how much my thought process plays into this. 

To start, I had become addicted to Facebook.  I thought that if I filled my time with needless things, I would just stay numb and eventually everything would just work out.  Boy was I wrong!!  Everything around me started to suffer.  My relationship with my kids, the house, other relationships with family members, etc.  Throughout all of this there was good though.  As I'd scroll through my news feed I'd notice how depressed most of the widow groups posts would sound.  And that made me so sad.  I mean ya, the worst possible thing that could have happened to us Widows happened, but why do we all need to be so sad all the time?  Why do we need to be so depressed and sulk in our horrible pity parties?!  So I started to really change my outlook on my situation.  I realized that I didn't want to be like these other widows.  So sad and depressed all the time.  I realized that my mindset had to change and it needed to change NOW! 

So, I started trying to create a new life for me and the kids.  With new weekly traditions mixed in with our old ones.  I started to do things for me and not think about how I wish Dustin could be here for all of it.  I started to let go of what was and embrace what will be.  I began to build up a wall around the life I had with Dustin, tucking it deeper into my soul so that I could let my new life in.  Now this really wasn't an easy task.  Distancing myself from the life I loved so much and the one I want back so badly hurt beyond explanation.  It continues to hurt as each day passes but it doesn't hurt as much as it did the day before.  But I knew that if I wanted to find love, joy and pure happiness again, I'd have to do this.  And by doing this doesn't mean that I will stop loving Dustin and the life we built together, because I will always love that life and wish it back.  But it does mean that I can find love, joy and happiness again.  I can live the life that I know Dustin wants for me and our kids.  I can finally be ok with the fact that I will have new love again and that the kids will have a step dad some day.  And knowing this will happen makes me feel so happy!!  It makes me love the life I am living and I feel like I'm living the life I love.  

I still do struggle from time to time though.  And I will always have my struggles as well as the kids.  But being able to have a more positive out look on the life I was given makes the entire difference in the world.  And being able to accept this life for what it is, not what it was or what it will be, makes a huge difference as well.  Living in the now and not wondering or worrying about what is to come, which takes practice and patience, but it is beyond worth it.  I have learned to honor the space between no longer and not yet and I am going the distance to make my life what I want it to be!