My Foundation

Aaaaannnnndddd I've now reached my 18 month mark. Wow! An entire year and a half that he has been gone. It's hard for me to believe I have made it to this point. Right after it happened I kept telling myself, "Ok, you got this Brianna. If you can make it a year, you can make it a lifetime!" Yeah, little did I know all of the realizations I would hit after my year mark. You see, a year ago when I started this blog, I was in what I like to call "Widow Fog." It's really good about clouding your mind, making you very numb to anything and everything that is going on around you. Helping you to push those deep routed, amazing memories that are just too painful to have surface that soon. And I don't know what it is about hitting that one year mark that magically makes it disappear. But it does. And all of those deep routed, amazing memories start flooding back into your memory bank. When that happened for me, I realized that the very foundation my family had been built upon was completely shattered into more than a million pieces and I somehow needed to put them back together to make my family's foundation strong again. 

So how the hell am I supposed to do that when everything that had made it rock solid before was now gone? 

Dustin and I were a team. We had finally reached a point where we had found our groove as a couple. We were able to work together without really having to ask one another to do something. We just noticed what needed to be done and did it. He was a very affectionate man. He'd hug me, kiss me, rub my feet or my back or shoulders. He'd brush my hair or run his fingers through it when he could tell I had a hard day. We talked to each other about everything. Literally everything. There was no secret between us. We shared serious thoughts and concerns to silly, stupid thoughts to intimate thoughts to happy and fun thoughts and everything in between. We did everything in our power to make our foundation rock solid! So how am I to do that now? How am I supposed to make my new foundation as strong as it was before, alone? 

This task at hand is in no way, shape or form easy. In fact, it is the HARDEST thing I have ever had do. I don't have that second parent. I don't have that second set of hands. I don't really have someone who knows me as deep as Dustin did, yet. I don't have someone to come home and hug me or kiss me or rub my back/shoulders or play with my hair everyday. I don't have someone within the walls of my own home to lean on anymore for literally every aspect of my life. But, I do have a select few people around me who are truly showing me they love and care for me. Who are putting forth the effort to get to know me on that deeper level and really help me when I need it the most. And with these amazing people, I will be able to make my foundation rock solid again. I will be able to pick up those shattered pieces and put them back together in new and different spots. It might not be the way I planned on making my foundation rock solid again, but I can't do all of this 100% alone. So I will take all the help I can get with building this new foundation of mine!