Acceptance

I can't believe I am here. I can't believe I have made it to the area of grief where I can finally say I have accepted the fact that my husband died and I am a widow. I thought I was here months ago! But then more time passed, more events in life happened and I grew even more. You see, grief is everyone's own journey to travel. You don't really know how you are going to travel it until it comes barreling down your hallway, banging on your door and pushing itself in. But once it does and you are forced to walk down that road, you slowly learn how to deal with it. Taking a hundred steps forward, a thousand backwards and then a million forward again. 

I had kept myself pretty sheltered over the past 17 months. Not really talking to people out of my friend/family circle, not trying to make new friends or putting myself out there. It was too painful for me to have to talk about over and over again to new people, explaining to them my life and knowing that they wouldn't understand. But I woke up one morning and realized that I wasn't living my life. I wasn't enjoying the direction it was going. I am a fun, happy person. I am a brave, confident girl. Why was I trying to hide my past? Why was I so afraid to live life after loosing my husband? Because I was afraid if I pressed forward I would loose him forever. I was afraid I would let my past define who I am. I very quickly learned though, with the help of a dear friend, that I wouldn't loose him forever and that I shouldn't let my past define who I am. But I needed the time to mentally let all of this make sense in my head. 

It was a tough mental battle to fight on a daily basis! Telling myself that I could tuck away my life with him into a very special place in my heart and mind hurt. It hurt more than anything I've ever felt. But letting myself know that by tucking away those amazing memories, I was making room for even more amazing memories with my kids and maybe one day, another love, was beautiful. The day I figured out how to do that, my life changed in a direction for the better and it helped me down the road in learning how to not let my past define me. 

It still took a little while for me to figure out how to not let my past define who I am, though. My past has made me who I am today and it continues to help shape and mold me. But learning to not let it define me was tough! I mean, how do you not let your past define you when it is what has shaped you and continues to shape you? It's actually quite simple. Don't live in your past. When you continue to live in your past, you are reliving all of it, all the time. There is no room for anything else in your present or future when you continue to live in the past. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't like continuously living in my past. I don't like feeling stuck or trapped. I don't like it when things are unorganized or out of order. When you live in the past, your mind is unorganized and events get misplaced because you are trying to make sense of something that has already happened and you are trying to live in the present at the same time. Which is not an easy task! So "letting go" of my past, tucking it into a very safe place in my heart and mind and letting myself live in my present is how I managed to stop letting my past define who I am. 

Finally being able to say that I have accepted this life is amazing to me. I honestly never thought I would make it here. I never thought I would get to the stage of re-entry into life with true new beginnings. But being here feels so good! I have worked so hard to get here! I have taken a hundred steps forward, a thousand backwards and a million more forward. And I will continue to do that on this grief journey. But it is a journey I get to call mine and make it how I want it. Accepting even more areas as I continue on down it!