New Year, New Me

Can we all breath a little better now that the holidays are done?  I know I can!!  Phew, I got through them.  I can say now that I have made it through my first set of MAJOR holidays without Dustin.  As painful as it was, I did it and I enjoyed every minute of them.  Although, ringing in the New Year had to have been the hardest for me to endure.  So many different emotions were running through me before and after midnight that night.  Many I had actually already experienced with the birth of TessieAnn, our youngest.  So tonight, I write to you about these emotions that have catapulted me into my "new" life.

Just like with every New Year you get excited, overwhelmed, full of joy from what you have been able to accomplish in the past year.  Which were all emotions I felt, even though this has been the SADDEST year of my life thus far, I was able to accomplish many positive things.  Which brought me so much joy to end the year.  But starting a new one?  Already?  It feels like just yesterday that Dustin and I rang in 2014!  Planning out our year apart, what we were going to accomplish financially while he was gone etc.  The pain from not being able to finish things we had started or having to finish them without him weighed heavily on my heart and soul.  For a long time I have wanted to go back in time, have him not pass away and change my life story.  But I can't.  What's done is done and I can't change that.  As painful as that fact is, its a true fact.  So as it got closer to midnight, I let my mind take in those thoughts of sadness and pain.  But I also let into my mind the thoughts and emotions of rebirth and regrowth.  I let myself be OK partially closing the chapter with Dustin until it can be reopened on the other side of the veil.  I let myself feel and know that it is OK to start anew.  To not forget who I was with him but to know that it is OK to put some of that away in my memories.

One thing I have learned, though, through this journey of grief is mind control.  The more mind control you have, the easier it seems to be.  Which is honestly something Dustin helped me to know and understand and I will forever be grateful to him for this.  Without him helping me to know and understand this, I wouldn't be in the amazing spot I am today with my grief.  I wouldn't have been able to get through New Year's Eve like I did and be able to feel, know and understand all of these many emotions.

OK, back to my New Year.  I have had many people ask me what my 2015 resolutions are.  I am here to tell you that I don't have any.  To me, resolutions are broken promises to yourself you make to try and start anew.  Not said that they are bad, that's just my opinion of them.  Now goals on the other hand, they are stepping stones to put you where you want to go.  Life is not about making each, individual year mean something.  Life is about making many years mean a whole lot of somethings.  I mean think about it, how fast did 2014 go for you?  If it was as fast as mine, you barely had time to breath let alone complete your resolutions.  So why not set goals for years down the road and make stepping stones to get where you really want to be in life?  Most of us seem to not be as hard on ourselves with goals and we can break them down easier than resolutions.  And that word just seems to have such an overwhelming ring to it.  As a person with anxiety, being overwhelmed is not where its at.  So this year I have made goals for myself that start my beautifully imperfect paved walkway into finding myself again.  It's not going to be easy by any means, but it is all going to be worth it.  Because in the end I will be with him again.  In the words of Carrie Underwood, "I will see you again, oh, this is not where it ends!  I will carry you with me, oh, till I see you again!"

So here's to 2015!!  A year full of goals to get me where I want to be in MY life!!  For the present and the future!!