Comfort Zone

It has been very difficult for me to want to do anything this entire month.  Christmas was Dustin's other favorite holiday and he took over with so much of the festivities for this month.  So as I've had to take on that role of carrying on our family traditions and trying to start new ones, I've come to realize that I was in a HUGE comfort zone.

Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with being in a comfort zone.  I wish I could have mine back!  But what I am saying is that I was so not prepared for mine to completely disappear in the blink of an eye.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have it in the back of your mind as a military spouse.  But you NEVER really think it will happen to YOU.  So tonight, I write to you about my comfort zone and what I am struggling with now not having it.

I have always been a pretty independent woman.  If I can't do it, I learn how to do it or fail a thousand times trying to figure it out myself.  Well this was something that was a little strain in our relationship.  Dustin wanted to be able to do so many different things around the house or be able to figure it out as well.  But for a while, I would just do things because I knew they needed done and he was always gone working.  Well one day I woke up and realized that I needed to let him do those things so that he also felt like he was contributing to our household.  So I'd wait for him to help me do something or I'd let him do it himself.  Which sounds horrible that I "let" him because it wasn't so much that I "let" him but we wanted to make our marriage a team effort.  So together we defined what was "his" roles and what were "hers" roles within our home.  And things started getting a lot easier for both of us.  We weren't as stressed.  Things seemed to get done faster and in a better manner.  It helped to strengthen our relationship.  We had finally gotten to a point where things were comfortable and felt wonderful!!

When we found out that he would be going to Korea, we made a to do list of what needed to be done so that my load would be lighter after he left.  We completed that to do list with a few straggling items that couldn't quite be dealt with until it was a few months out from our big PCS.  So needless to say, we were both comfortable.  Loving life.  Finally enjoying life.  We would talk about how life was going so good for us that we wondered when our next big storm would hit.  Little did either of us know how big the storm really was going to be, how soon it would hit and how much it would mess up the comfort zone we had worked almost 8 years to create.

As I've sat here, there and every where over the past 9 months I have realized that when my comfort zone fell apart I was lost.  Heck, I still am a little (a lot) lost.  But I've been able to determine why I am so lost and why I haven't been able to find my new comfort zone.

I am so lost because I was completely blind sided by life!  Death is just as much a part of life as birth is.  No one is ever going to make it out of this world alive.  But I never expected it to happen so soon to my husband.  I never expected to have to endure this earthly life alone so young and with so many young children!  (whom I totally love and adore and am so glad I was chosen to be their mother)  But I never expected that I would have to actually use my independence in the way I am having to now.  Feeling as though I am forced to use it instead of wanting to use it.

I also haven't been able to find my new comfort zone because I am afraid.  I am afraid that I am going to loose it again.  I am so afraid that I will loose the ones close to me if I get too comfortable with them.  So as my survival instincts are telling me, keep your distance and you won't get as hurt.  Which in a way is true but who wants to keep their anxiety up?  Who wants to walk around in life feeling like they are the odd man out?  I did that already, I don't need to do that again.

So tonight I am going to set a challenge to all of you and to myself.  Look at your comfort zone.  Would you be able to survive if a part, the biggest part, of that was suddenly gone?  Could you gain enough courage to make another comfort zone for yourself?  That is what I am doing for myself tonight.  I am changing my mindset from fearful to courageous.  My wonderful softball coach always told me that the game was 90% mental and 10% physical.  Well folks, life is pretty much the same.  If we can all change our mindsets, prepare ourselves for the inevitable and learn to be courageous, our lives will be that much more blessed and feel that much more fulfilled.

I might not have my Teddy Bear here to complete my comfort zone anymore and I might still be struggling on a daily basis with making my new comfort zone.  But I am slowly but surely figuring out what that is.  So take on my challenge, try to some what prepare your self for what I was not able to prepare for.