Puzzles

As I sit here tonight in front of my awesome fire, I am completely overwhelmed.  You see, one of my faults is handling stress.  I don't seem to do it very well, in my opinion.  Many of you would argue this fact, but if you were a fly on my wall, you'd quickly see what I mean.  A few weeks ago I realized that my kids were acting out something HORRIBLE!  And I mean that in every sense of the word.  You name it, they probably did it.  But why were they acting out so badly?  We all know about the elephant in the room but why else were my kids acting out?  As I sat and pondered to myself one night it dawned on me.  I have been a horrible roll model and mother to them!  Maybe not all the time, but most of the time I have not been who I should be.  Do I have plenty of excuses?  Of course!  But why should I use excuses for being a naughty mom?  There is no logical reason for it.  At least not in my mind.  So how did I let myself get this bad?  What did I do to the old me?  Oh ya, she died the day she lost her eternal soulmate.  What was I to do to bring her back?  How could I become her again?  I came to the conclusion real quick that I wasn't ever going to get her back.  The puzzle that I had worked so hard to put together has a missing piece and that piece will never be put back with in this earthly life.  But I had worked so hard on that puzzle!!  How could I just put it to the side and let it sit with a missing piece?  My OCD would go crazy!!  Unfortunately, as much as my OCD would go crazy, I realized I had to put it to the side and wait for that missing piece to be found once again in the next life.

So now what?  I have to start a WHOLE NEW PUZZLE???  Really?  Gosh dang it!  I really don't like puzzles people.  I get very frustrated with them and I get frustrated with them fast.  But when I realized I needed to start my new puzzle I also realized that this was why I had been such a horrible roll model and mother to my kids.  I was trying to hold onto something that was never going to come back within this earthly life.  And as much as it pains me to press on, it is what I need to do in order to be that mother my kids deserve.  So I did a lot of soul searching and am still doing a lot of soul searching.  Within this soul searching, I have come to realize that I am honestly too blessed to be stressed.  I have so much to be thankful for on a daily basis that I shouldn't let the little things stress me out.  After all, everything always works out and it all happens for a reason.  So from now on, I choose to feel blessed and not stressed.  I'm learning my limitations.  I'm learning my shortcomings.  I'm learning my new groove.  I'm learning how to become more organized as a widowed, single mother of four beautifully amazing and spunky kids.  Is it an easy task?  Heck no!!  Is it a worthy task?  Heck yes!!  Do I still fail on an hourly basis?  Most definitely!  But I am learning.  And I am learning that I really am too blessed to be stressed!!  I am doing my best to make this weakness one of my strengths and be able to be that great example to my kids!!  They deserve it just as much, if not even more, than I do.