Reminisce

As many of you know, I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary yesterday without Dustin.  It would've been six years for us. Yes, six short years.  But as I thought long and hard about those six short years I came to the conclusion that they have been the BEST six years of my entire life thus far.

Within the week leading up to this day, I had noticed that different songs on the radio were being played.  Songs that were near and dear to us as we'd talked about the unimaginable.  They all have to do with going on in life without the one you truly love.  So by listening to those songs, which have not played on the actually radio since he passed, I knew he was missing me just as much as I was missing him.  But that didn't change my emotions leading up to this day.  My anticipation was horrible.  My anxiety was high.  My fear was WAY high.  My emotions, not even on the chart!  But, like any other day, it was coming whether I was ready or not.  So I prayed and I prayed good and long and hard.  For strength, for courage, for peace and comfort, to be able to feel him closer than normal, for guidance and for faith.  As I prayed I felt an overwhelming peace overcome my spirit.  I could feel his everlasting, loving embrace.

The day started out rough, round three of the stomach flu made it's way in again so I was cleaning up vomit.  I was also calming a poor little boy with an awful croopy cough, soothing a little girl's eczema and soothing a teething baby.  Nothing of which I had in mind for this day, but parenting doesn't stop.  So as I sat there after breakfast, being as negative as I could be about my current situation, I heard him whisper to me, Darlin' it's ok.  We have SO many more anniversaries to come, cater to them today, you know I understand.  And just like that, my mood was instantly changed.  Not only did I hear him, but I felt him.  I knew that he knew I was sad.  For more than just those reasons and he wanted me to know that it was ok.

I immediately thought, Oh crap now it's snack time, Teddy Bear toast it is!!  So I made all of us Teddy bear toast with peanut butter, strawberries and chocolate chips.  As we all sat at the table I showed them our wedding pictures and told them our story.  The way they lit up was priceless to me.  Getting to see how happy they were learning about their mommy and daddy like that was all I needed to carry on.  And that's when it really hit me, I really do have these four beautiful blessings from him.  And even though they totally stress me out all day every day, they are our blessings and they go to show our undivided love for each other.

The day continued and seemed to get better as each moment passed.  That evening we went to grab take out food, go have a picnic with him and give him a rose that his grandparents had given me the night before.  It was the best picnic we've had yet.  The kids all mostly sat there, talked a little with him, asked me questions about him and I and actually ate their food (which is HUGE for them!)  We got home, I bathed them all and put them to bed.  They all slept well for me and I was able to get almost a full night's rest!,

So a day that could have  totally gone in another direction didn't because I listed to his still small voice, controlled my mind and enjoyed the day.  All of the anticipation leading up to this day had eased.  All of the anxieties had vanished and all of the fear had disappeared.  I also learned that even though he is on the other side of the veil, our love, the covenants we made in the temple together and our soul finally becoming as one, has not changed.  He is fully aware of what I am going through and I am fully aware that he is still with me.  It's not how I want it to be, but he is there.  Every step of the way.  And I am so grateful for this.  I am so grateful to know that even though he has been able to move on to his heavenly life, he hasn't forgotten about me.  Nor have I forgotten about him.  And being the one entrusted to carry on his legacy and raise his posterity is the greatest blessing I could ever ask for!  Just like he'd tell me all the time, if you look hard enough, there is beauty and a blessing in everything :)