Lately as I have continued on with my days, finally settling into my new normal, I have had many "dark" hours. Hours where I am completely alone. Wishing I had Dustin to talk to, to lean on, to hold, to fall into and just sob. I have had many futuristic decisions start to come my way that I want his advice on and his opinion about. It has taken everything in me not to just completely fall apart in these moments. But it is within these harsh yet tender moments that I have started to lean on The Lord and have Him help me brighten those dim stars within my world.
As one of my goals for 2015 I challenged myself to read the New Testament, say my prayers and go to church, as much as possible with 4 kids. I chose to read the New Testament because it is all about Christ and his life. And who knows better my exact pain than Him? Now, being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints my whole life, I've always known that if I read my scriptures, say my prayers and go to church, my life will be greatly blessed. But what I didn't really realize was my heart AND spirit had to be into the entire thing too. So as of recently I have put my heart and spirit into these three textbook church answers and my outcome is exactly what I need right now.
In my darkest of hours I turn to The Lord. All day, everyday I pray to Him. I seem to struggle the most at night, after everyone has gone to bed, though. When I am completely alone, all chores done, all things prepared for the next day, all things quiet and settled down. I kneel to pray, tears flowing so fervently down my cheek. I tell Him everything that I feel He needs to know. But most importantly, I tell Him how I am so grateful for His Plan of Salvation and that I am so happy to be able to put my trust in Him and His will for me. As hard as it is for me to tell him that, I believe wholeheartedly in His will for me and in His Plan of Salvation for all of us. I then turn to my scriptures and read a chapter or two a night. Feeding my spirit with goodness, peace, strength, courage and comfort from the examples I am learning from Christ. When I go to church on Sundays I actually listen. I pay attention to what He wants me to hear and learn about. I am also keeping my end of the covenants Dustin and I made together in the Temple, with The Lord. And by doing all of this I am seeing the many blessings come in my direction.
How do I know I am being completely blessed you might ask? I can see and feel Him all around me. Now can I physically see and feel Him? Nope. But by being so spiritually in tune, I am able to see signs from Him. I can feel His goodness. I am starting to see His work unfold right in front of my eyes. For example, a couple months ago I prayed and fasted for patience with our kids. They try mine SO much at times, but lately I have been able to hold my tongue, to a much greater extent, and see what I need to do instead of just completely freaking out. I have also noticed a difference within myself. I am more calm, at peace with finding myself and actually happy with the way life is going right now. I see the little signs from Dustin all day as well. Letting me know that he is still there, still loves me, misses me and is proud of who I am becoming without him. Before I started putting my heart AND spirit into all of these things I was having a much harder time. Days were so stressful, nights were unbearable. But I have noticed a night and day difference since starting all of this three short weeks ago.
It's so interesting to see how much of a difference it all really makes to be that close to our Heavenly Father, also. I was not nearly this close when I started my journey as a widow. And to say that I have come this close now and to feel the difference, simply beautiful. This is why my nights are now starting to be filled with beautiful bright stars. I am lighting my darkness with His goodness and by doing so I am being blessed beyond belief. And I know if I continue down this road I will be nothing but blessed and my life here on this earth really will feel as if it is a fraction in my eternal life!
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