Comfort Zone

It has been very difficult for me to want to do anything this entire month.  Christmas was Dustin's other favorite holiday and he took over with so much of the festivities for this month.  So as I've had to take on that role of carrying on our family traditions and trying to start new ones, I've come to realize that I was in a HUGE comfort zone.

Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with being in a comfort zone.  I wish I could have mine back!  But what I am saying is that I was so not prepared for mine to completely disappear in the blink of an eye.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have it in the back of your mind as a military spouse.  But you NEVER really think it will happen to YOU.  So tonight, I write to you about my comfort zone and what I am struggling with now not having it.

I have always been a pretty independent woman.  If I can't do it, I learn how to do it or fail a thousand times trying to figure it out myself.  Well this was something that was a little strain in our relationship.  Dustin wanted to be able to do so many different things around the house or be able to figure it out as well.  But for a while, I would just do things because I knew they needed done and he was always gone working.  Well one day I woke up and realized that I needed to let him do those things so that he also felt like he was contributing to our household.  So I'd wait for him to help me do something or I'd let him do it himself.  Which sounds horrible that I "let" him because it wasn't so much that I "let" him but we wanted to make our marriage a team effort.  So together we defined what was "his" roles and what were "hers" roles within our home.  And things started getting a lot easier for both of us.  We weren't as stressed.  Things seemed to get done faster and in a better manner.  It helped to strengthen our relationship.  We had finally gotten to a point where things were comfortable and felt wonderful!!

When we found out that he would be going to Korea, we made a to do list of what needed to be done so that my load would be lighter after he left.  We completed that to do list with a few straggling items that couldn't quite be dealt with until it was a few months out from our big PCS.  So needless to say, we were both comfortable.  Loving life.  Finally enjoying life.  We would talk about how life was going so good for us that we wondered when our next big storm would hit.  Little did either of us know how big the storm really was going to be, how soon it would hit and how much it would mess up the comfort zone we had worked almost 8 years to create.

As I've sat here, there and every where over the past 9 months I have realized that when my comfort zone fell apart I was lost.  Heck, I still am a little (a lot) lost.  But I've been able to determine why I am so lost and why I haven't been able to find my new comfort zone.

I am so lost because I was completely blind sided by life!  Death is just as much a part of life as birth is.  No one is ever going to make it out of this world alive.  But I never expected it to happen so soon to my husband.  I never expected to have to endure this earthly life alone so young and with so many young children!  (whom I totally love and adore and am so glad I was chosen to be their mother)  But I never expected that I would have to actually use my independence in the way I am having to now.  Feeling as though I am forced to use it instead of wanting to use it.

I also haven't been able to find my new comfort zone because I am afraid.  I am afraid that I am going to loose it again.  I am so afraid that I will loose the ones close to me if I get too comfortable with them.  So as my survival instincts are telling me, keep your distance and you won't get as hurt.  Which in a way is true but who wants to keep their anxiety up?  Who wants to walk around in life feeling like they are the odd man out?  I did that already, I don't need to do that again.

So tonight I am going to set a challenge to all of you and to myself.  Look at your comfort zone.  Would you be able to survive if a part, the biggest part, of that was suddenly gone?  Could you gain enough courage to make another comfort zone for yourself?  That is what I am doing for myself tonight.  I am changing my mindset from fearful to courageous.  My wonderful softball coach always told me that the game was 90% mental and 10% physical.  Well folks, life is pretty much the same.  If we can all change our mindsets, prepare ourselves for the inevitable and learn to be courageous, our lives will be that much more blessed and feel that much more fulfilled.

I might not have my Teddy Bear here to complete my comfort zone anymore and I might still be struggling on a daily basis with making my new comfort zone.  But I am slowly but surely figuring out what that is.  So take on my challenge, try to some what prepare your self for what I was not able to prepare for.

May The Odds Be Ever In MY Favor!!

Oh how I wish the odds could be ever in my favor!!  Just like they seem to be for Katniss in the Hunger Games.  But wait, are they really in her favor?  It sure seems like she has to work REALLY hard to stay alive with all the other tributes and things definitely don't just come that easy for her.  There is a lot of strategy that takes place.

For a long time I have known I've needed to start my new normal.  And to be quite honest it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be.  But, like Katniss, I had no idea what to expect embarking on this new journey in life and I sure as heck had no idea how my fellow tributes would try to survive.

I came to find out they all have a different strategy than the one before and that age really doesn't make a difference.  Now if you are wondering who my fellow tributes are, they are my kids.  I have many other fellow tributes but they are truly the ones in the Hunger Games arena with me.  You might be asking why I am comparing this to the Hunger Games.  Well my dear friends, I am here to tell you, in this house it has been a game of survival of the fittest!!  I literally wake up each morning wondering how each of them are going to act that day!  Because like I said, they all have a different strategy on how to survive!!

First, my oldest girl is trying out being the instigator of naughty activities while being very silent about them and then showering you with love afterwards so the punishment isn't so fierce.  She thinks that she can get away with certain things and blame them on her younger siblings, but little does she know that her eldest and wisest tribute knows better.  Along with that she is trying to continue the sympathy card.  Which is a tough one to battle, but we take it as it is and just try to let her survive how she sees fit with that one.  Now she is also a good helper, but on her terms only.  She is pretty bratty when it comes to anything not being on her terms.

Second, my only little boy has been quite the leader.  At least in my opinion.  He has stepped up to the plate, at the ripe age of 3 1/2, to be there for me.  It hasn't always been like this and it wasn't until recently that he started doing this, but he figured out really quickly that if he does more helping than disobeying he gets further in the day without too much discipline.  

Third, the sweet forgotten tribute, is currently doing anything and everything she can to make it through to the next day and not end up as one of the tributes the canon is fired for.  You name it, she's done it.  And she likes to do it all naked.  With the exception of her diaper of course.  But man alive, you mess with her the wrong way, you better expect revenge back ten fold.  She might be tiny but boy she can dish it out!!  Part of it has to deal with her age, but honestly, I'm pretty sure she's trying to find her place within all of us tributes.  Can't be easy with 5 of us!

Last but not least, my fourth tribute is my little peacemaker.  She is so sweet all the time, puts a smile on every ones face and is working so hard to catch up with the rest of us.  I hope she stays this way, because having 4 other tributes to try and keep track of with such different and difficult strategies makes for a very tough day!!

Now as for me?  I was just trying to survive each day.  Make it through to bed time, enjoy my alone time and go to bed.  But I found that wasn't working for me.  I was pretty much letting the my fellow tributes have run of the arena to do whatever they wanted however they wanted to.  But quickly realized that it wasn't working in my favor.  So I decided I was going to take a stand.  I wasn't going to let certain behaviors fly anymore.  I wasn't going to take crap from them anymore.  I was going to show them that it is ok to fail, have everyone see you, pick yourself back up and keep going.  And since I have taken this new strategy (which has not been very long), I have found I am much more successful throughout my days in the arena.  I don't use this strategy everyday as I am still trying to learn how to mold it, but with each new task I take on, I feel much more accomplished.  I feel as if I am finally close to winning the Hunger Games rather than loosing them.  And that is an AMAZING feeling!!!

This round of the Hunger Games is a different round than I have ever played before.  Strategies are having to be changed day by day and sometimes even hour by hour.  But by acknowledging there needs to be a change, changing the strategy and pressing forward, we are all starting to be more successful.  And that's what matters right?  Katniss had to adjust several times in order to finally win the Hunger Games.  If we can all learn to step back, assess our situations and take care of what needs to be taken care of, we will all be pretty darn successful within our own individual Hunger Games!!  And May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor!!

Puzzles

As I sit here tonight in front of my awesome fire, I am completely overwhelmed.  You see, one of my faults is handling stress.  I don't seem to do it very well, in my opinion.  Many of you would argue this fact, but if you were a fly on my wall, you'd quickly see what I mean.  A few weeks ago I realized that my kids were acting out something HORRIBLE!  And I mean that in every sense of the word.  You name it, they probably did it.  But why were they acting out so badly?  We all know about the elephant in the room but why else were my kids acting out?  As I sat and pondered to myself one night it dawned on me.  I have been a horrible roll model and mother to them!  Maybe not all the time, but most of the time I have not been who I should be.  Do I have plenty of excuses?  Of course!  But why should I use excuses for being a naughty mom?  There is no logical reason for it.  At least not in my mind.  So how did I let myself get this bad?  What did I do to the old me?  Oh ya, she died the day she lost her eternal soulmate.  What was I to do to bring her back?  How could I become her again?  I came to the conclusion real quick that I wasn't ever going to get her back.  The puzzle that I had worked so hard to put together has a missing piece and that piece will never be put back with in this earthly life.  But I had worked so hard on that puzzle!!  How could I just put it to the side and let it sit with a missing piece?  My OCD would go crazy!!  Unfortunately, as much as my OCD would go crazy, I realized I had to put it to the side and wait for that missing piece to be found once again in the next life.

So now what?  I have to start a WHOLE NEW PUZZLE???  Really?  Gosh dang it!  I really don't like puzzles people.  I get very frustrated with them and I get frustrated with them fast.  But when I realized I needed to start my new puzzle I also realized that this was why I had been such a horrible roll model and mother to my kids.  I was trying to hold onto something that was never going to come back within this earthly life.  And as much as it pains me to press on, it is what I need to do in order to be that mother my kids deserve.  So I did a lot of soul searching and am still doing a lot of soul searching.  Within this soul searching, I have come to realize that I am honestly too blessed to be stressed.  I have so much to be thankful for on a daily basis that I shouldn't let the little things stress me out.  After all, everything always works out and it all happens for a reason.  So from now on, I choose to feel blessed and not stressed.  I'm learning my limitations.  I'm learning my shortcomings.  I'm learning my new groove.  I'm learning how to become more organized as a widowed, single mother of four beautifully amazing and spunky kids.  Is it an easy task?  Heck no!!  Is it a worthy task?  Heck yes!!  Do I still fail on an hourly basis?  Most definitely!  But I am learning.  And I am learning that I really am too blessed to be stressed!!  I am doing my best to make this weakness one of my strengths and be able to be that great example to my kids!!  They deserve it just as much, if not even more, than I do.

Good Grief! More Laundry?

Do you have a sh*t ton of laundry that is ALWAYS needing to get done?  Whether it's washing it, drying it or folding it and putting it away?  I know I do!!  I have 3 baskets that need folded and put away as I type.  But, it's so much easier to put off washing it if the kids still have clean clothes in their drawers.  It's pretty easy to forget to put it in the dryer with 4 crazy kids running around and its even easier to put off folding it and putting it away when it's perfectly safe and content in that laundry basket!!  When it gets so piled up you usually say something like "Good Grief!  I have seriously GOT to do laundry!" I know I do!!  But, time and time again, it gets put to the back burner.  Well, going through the motions of grief is kind of just like that laundry that piles up.  It is WAY easier to put off dealing with grief than it is to face it head on.  There are so many different waves that hit me at all different times.  And I have found, that just like my laundry, I am letting these emotions of grief pile up.   But one day a few weeks ago a light bulb went off in my head.  Why?  Why do I keep letting these emotions pile up?  They are going to come whether I want them to or not.  Just like my fricking daily laundry does!  So why do I let them become huge, overwhelming piles?  So, I decided that day I was going to start using my amazing sorting laundry skills and sort through my piles of grief.  For me.  Not for my kids, not for him, not for anyone else but ME.  My life started getting super hectic.  The kids starting acting up, bad.  I started having way more panic attacks.  The house started to look a little too dirty for my liking.  I was eating junk non-stop.  I was doing a great job of ignoring the fact that these piles of emotional grief were coming straight at me.  So, one by one I have started to sort through them.

The first one was a little easier to sort through.  Shock and Denial.  Dustin dying was a total and complete shock to everyone.  Mostly to me.  And it made absolutely no sense as to why such a young, strong and healthy man could die!  But, the briefings from the military immediately following the news definitely helped me to sort that away pretty quick.  This pile still lingers, but it is not as big as it was before and is a little easier to fold and continuously put away.

The second one I am still slightly stuck in.  Pain and Guilt.  His passing literally physically hurt me.  The hurt is not as bad as it was almost 8 months ago, but it still is very much there.  And many times I feel horrible guilt about his passing.  He was alone, was he afraid?  Was he in a lot of pain?  Did he suffer for long, if he suffered at all?  Did he wonder where I was?  Did he want me there to comfort him?  All of these questions I will never know the answer to and sometimes they eat me alive.  This pile of grief is much easier to let pile up and try to push out of my mind.  Let's be honest here, who wants to think about this all the time?  I sure as hell don't!  Although, this stage is getting easier to handle.  I am slowly but surely learning how to fold this one up and put it away.

The third one I have completely been able to wash, dry, fold and put away.  It is Anger and Bargaining.  I am not a very angry person to begin with but I was definitely pretty angry with my Heavenly Father's plan for my life when I found out about his passing.  With this one, though, I spent a lot of time making sure I found all the miss matching socks, folded them and put them away.  Being angry and trying to bargain for something you can't bargain for is not worth it.  We all have learned from Dustin's passing that life is too short to stay angry.  And none of us make it out of this world alive.  So, what is the point in continuing to be angry and racking my brain as to how I could've stopped him from dying?  None, so I decided to complete this load and no longer have to watch it pile up!

The forth is where I am definitely currently at.  Reflection and Loneliness.  Let me just tell you this is the BIGGEST pile of laundry I have ever had to wash in my entire life.  It is way easier to let this one sit there, pile up and stink than it is to actually take care of it.  Do you like to be lonely?  Do you like reflecting on how your life is and what you thought it would be?  Nope, me neither.  Being lonely is the worst feeling in the entire world, especially if you were used to being able to talk to someone you loved daily!  So I love filling my time with worthless TV, food, shopping, running dumb errands that I probably don't need to run.  But I do it anyway.  I do it so that I don't have to sit there alone.  In my house.  With no one to talk to about every little detail that happened throughout my day.  No one to give me feedback on what I can do better on the next day.  No one that fully understands my kids, me.  Yes, I know that many of you have told me that I can message you or call you any time of day or night.  But lets be real here folks.  You have a life!!  I have a life.  As much as we want to be there for each other, we just simply aren't able to.  And unfortunately no one will be able to replace Dustin.  But that is ok.  I don't need to replace him.  I don't need to feel pity for myself anymore.  (Well maybe sometimes I do)  But I need to learn to accept that this is my life, whether I was ready for this or not.  It is my life.  And before I can take care of my kids, I need to reflect on myself, realize that I will be lonely for however long it takes me to fold this pile and put it away.  Because currently I am having to do about a million loads for it to all get clean!!  And I will get there, slowly but surely I will be able to say that I washed, dried, folded and put away the biggest load of laundry I have ever had to do!  No matter how long it takes me!!

The last few steps of grief I haven't quite gotten to yet.  Haven't even wanted to look at them.  But they are the Upward Turn, Reconstruction and Working Through and Acceptance and Hope.  One day I will be able to tackle these loads of laundry.  But the wonderful thing about laundry is that it is always there and can be put off for a while.  The other wonderful thing about it is that once it is clean again it smells so amazingly wonderful!!  One day I will wake up and be able to smell all my wonderful laundry and know how much hard work and dedication I put into that laundry to get it all washed, dried, folded and put away.  It will be a glorious day!!  Maybe by then I won't hate laundry so much either because let's face it, it will never go away.  It will lessen over time as kids grow up and move away, but it will never completely go away.  Just like my grief.  It will get easier to handle over time but it will never completely go away.

Time

It's been a little longer than normal from my last post.  I have been going through many different emotions in these past couple weeks.  But one that is the elephant in the room for me is precious time.  What is time?  Well the dictionary says it is a limited period or interval.  But what does time mean to you?  I am going to tell you what it means to me.

Have any of you heard the new Nickelback song "What Are You Waiting For"?  If you haven't, it is a must hear.  You see music plays a major role in my everyday life and it is my way of hearing what I need to hear from Dustin or Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost.  It always has been and feels as if it is even more so now than ever.  The lyrics to that song speak to me.  They tell me what I feel Dustin would be telling me.  To stop sitting in this "waiting room" and move forward.  I am going to write out the majority of the song lyrics for you so you can see what I am talking about.  

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

Are you waiting on a lightening strike?  

Are you waiting for the perfect night?

Are you waiting 'till the time is right? 

What are you waiting for?

Don't you wanna learn to deal with fear?

Don't you wanna take the wheel and steer?

Don't you wait another minute here?

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

You gotta go and reach for the top

Believe in every dream that you got

You're only living once so tell me

What are you waiting for?

You know you gotta give it your all

And don't you be afraid if you fall

You're only living once so tell me

What are you waiting for?

Are you waiting for the right excuse?

Are you waiting for a sign to choose?

While you're waiting it's the time you loose.

What are you waiting for?

You know you gotta give it your all

And don't you be afraid if you fall

You're only living once so tell me

What are you waiting for?

Tell me what you're waiting for

Show me what you're aiming for

What you gonna save it for?

So what you really waiting for?

Everybody's gonna make mistakes

But everybody's got a choice to make

Everybody needs a leap of faith

When are you taking yours?

What are you waiting for?

When I heard this song and read the lyrics I could almost hear him talking to me, telling me to take that leap of faith I've been so afraid to take, for good reason. 

Before this song came out, time to me was just the passing of everyday.  I couldn't rewind it so I had to live in it.  The sun would come up, I'd fill my day with a lot of crap and then the sun would go down.  I wanted each day to hurry up and be done so I could go to bed, wake up and hurry through the next day and continue this the the remainder of my earthly days so that I could be with him again.  But what I was doing was letting each and every day pass and not have a lick of meaning to me other that it was closer to my day to be called home.  Kinda depressing huh?  Yup.  But what I wasn't doing was facing my fear, moving forward.  This song from Nickelback helped me put into perspective how poorly I was managing my time.  I wasn't making each moment count and that is what I need to do the most.  Our kids don't deserve a mom who is cranky all the time because all she wants is to die so she can be with her love again.  They deserve a mom who is happy and wants to show them life, how to live it to its fullest and enjoy every last moment we have.  I don't deserve to be miserable.  I don't deserve to sit and be so lonely for the rest of my life.  I am so full of life and love, why do I need to waste my days being so miserable?  Why do I need to be so cranky with our wonderfully crazy kids?  That's exactly what he is telling me in this song.  I don't.  I don't need to be miserable.  I can still grieve for loosing him, but I don't need to wait around anymore, afraid to move forward.  I need to have an open mind and an open heart for what comes my way.  I need to stare fear right in the face and not let it stop me anymore.  I need to stop waiting for the right time to move forward.  If I sit around and wait for that, I might never get the chance to experience life, love and happiness again.  So from this point on, I will not let fear stand in my way.  I will face my fear of moving forward and tell it to go shove itself up a very high post and stop getting in my way.  Nothing is going to stop me from feeling happy again, nothing is going to stop me from possibly loving again, nothing is going to stop me from living my life to the fullest and enjoying every minute of it.  Because in the end all we have is time and it is not meant to be passed with misery.  

Being Mom and Dad

I'm sure many of you read this title and thought to yourself, "She doesn't need to be mom AND dad!"  And I'd have to say you are right about that, to an extent.  But how many of you married couples out there have a husband that does certain chores?  Or talks to the kids a certain way when they continue to misbehave?  Or who helps you take care of the kids?  Or who does the yard work?  I could ask a thousand more questions about what our husbands help us do around the house.  Which is where I'm finding out I do have to be mom and dad, to an extent.

Dustin was an amazing husband and father.  Not only did he work 10 to 12 to 15 hour days, he came home and helped keep our house running.  He would help vacuum, do dishes, feed the dogs, make sure the dog poop was picked up, make sure all the trash was taken out, clean the bathrooms, mop the floor, dust the ceiling fans, wash windows, take care of our vehicles, prepare us for camping trips and a thousand more things that would probably take an entire page to write them ALL out.  But after he died, I then had to do everything.  All of the responsibility of keeping this household running fell on me.  So honestly, a lot of things started slipping because I wasn't used to having to do them.  One of the many things that stands out to me was one of the simplest tasks to him.  The trash.  And I'm not talking about just taking the trash out to the trash barrel.  I'm talking about taking ALL of the trash out to the trash barrel.  The bathroom trash, diaper trash, normal trash, recycle trash and yard waste.  All while trying to remember what day the normal trash goes to the street to be picked up as well as the recycle trash and the yard waste trash!  Simple enough right?  Um . . . Nope.  Most definitely NOT simple.  Trying to remember what day my trash barrels go out while also trying to remember everything else I have to remember on an hourly, daily, weekly and monthly basis is nearly impossible!!  So another instance that sticks out is when I prepared for our camping trip this past summer.  Not only did I have to do the daily grind with the kids but I had to make sure they were all sufficiently packed, that we had all our fishing tack and rods, that we had enough firewood for the 4 days, enough food, water, all the camping supplies, all the dog necessities and then I had to pack it all in the suburban.  I had to make sure the DVD players were set up and running.  That they had enough in the car to keep them occupied for the 5 hour drive with them.  It was no easy feat but I did it.  When you all of a sudden have to do things alone, you really realize your full capacity.  How well you can actually get things done.  Like mowing the lawn or what I had to accomplish tonight.  Our youngest had her 4 month well baby doctor appointment today so she received shots and we all know what shots do to us.  But my shower drain has been SO incredibly clogged it's like I'm taking a bath when I shower so that needed to be unclogged.  I also needed to vacuum and mop, fold laundry and do dishes.  But, because of the lovely shots little missy received today she was pretty fussy.  So, I decided I needed to prioritize my evening.  I took care of her and then tackled my drain.  Which took A LOT longer than I thought it would.  But my drain is now unclogged, my sweet baby is comfortably sleeping and I had just enough time before bed to write my blog, instead of staying up till midnight completing the rest of my to-do list.

Now being a mother of 4 is tough stuff with a spouse.  We all know that the mother/wife is usually in charge of making phone calls, setting appointments, raising the kids, keeping the house some what presentable, meal planning and prepping and a million other things.  The dad/father is usually in charge of working to bring home the money, taking care of the vehicles properly, taking out the trash, killing the bugs, picking up the nasty stuff you don't want to even think about touching, being the dummy the kids wrestle on, the face you look forward to seeing the most in the evening and a million other things.  So adding the two together makes for a very tough and stressful day, week and month and there were SO many things I took for granted that he did.  But now that he is gone, its ultimately just me.  I am going to be the one who gets us ready for camping.  I will be the one to play Santa.  I will be the one to help teach them how to fish and practice it.  I will be the one to wrestle with them.  Be there to comfort their sweet spirits.  Keep this house running and as clean as possible.  Make sure our furbabies are taken care of.  Make sure the trash is taken out.  Make sure my vehicles are taken care of and so much more!!  It is all ultimately up to me.  Even with as much help as I do receive from family and friends.  At the end of the day, it is ME.  Do I drive myself crazy?  Hell yes!  Every.  Single.  Day.  But someone has to do it all and we all know not everyone can drop everything and come rescue me ALL the time.  So just as I did tonight, I look at my to-do list and prioritize my time to what is the most important to me withing that moment of time.  So that I don't kill myself trying to be mom and dad.

FAQ's and Answers

So my dear friends, given my recent trip to Disneyland with our oldest for her 5th birthday and all of the MANY questions I received from strangers after she had brought up that her dad died, I figured it would be a good idea to write a post about the MANY questions I get asked on a daily, weekly and monthly basis.  There are many, but I am going to cover the most important ones, at least what I think are the most important ones.  Ready?  Here I go. . .

Q: Is there anything I can do?/What can I do to help?
A: Well, honestly, just continue to pray for us.  Send us good thoughts, vibes.  Whatever it is that you believe in, send it our way.  Text me, don't call because I probably won't answer, but text me and let me know you're still thinking about me.  If you don't have my phone number, Facebook me.  I might not answer texts or Facebook either but it lets me know that you still care and love us.  If you have memories of Dustin, please share them with me so I can write them down and share them with our kids.  I only have what I can remember and what we experienced.  So please, don't think it will offend me, share!  I'd say you could drop by with a dinner but I will be the only one who eats it because our kids are SO picky.  I'd also say you could just drop by to help clean, do laundry, babysit so I could go grocery shopping or have time alone or to talk but we have seen so many different people in the last 7 months and I have been all over the place.  We are all starting to feel those affects.  The kids need me and I need them.  We need to figure this new routine out together, with very menial amounts of interruptions.

Q: How did your husband die?
A: I really don't like to answer this question.  Nor do I like to hear it.  It's a touchy subject for me because he was so young, vibrant and healthy.  But, I will answer this so those of you who don't really know can now understand.  His heart was enlarged and had an infection that coincided with his small pox vaccine he had received just 2 weeks prior.  Was it his small pox vaccine that ultimately killed him?  I am almost positive that it was.  Unfortunately the medical examiner couldn't "definitively establish nor rule out" that it was from the small pox vaccine.  So it is one of those things that there is an answer, but it's not a complete answer in my mind.

Q: Your husband was how old when he died??
A: He was 24 years old.  Yup, a whopping 24.  And he just happened to die 9 days after his Great Grandmother Cora was called home, almost 7 years to the day that my grandpa was called home and exactly a week before my 25 birthday.  Which would have made the start of 8 years together for us.  Crazy, yes I know.

Q: You were pregnant when he died?  Oh wow, how did you handle that???
A: Well, I knew that I had to take care of this little bundle of joy that he had left me.  We had fallen so madly in love with her, even though she was totally NOT planned, expected or even wanted, honestly.  But I knew that I had something inside of me that relied on my every move, every meal and every thought.  So I pushed through it till I could no longer handle it.  I pleaded with my Dr. to induce me at 38 weeks because I couldn't handle the PTSD or the anxiety anymore.  I couldn't stand to carry this child one more day.  So she finally agreed to have me induced, which actually ended up being a good thing because my amniotic fluid was getting pretty low.  Now about the delivery, you can ask anyone that was in the delivery room with me that day.  I had no choice.  She was coming ready or not.  Now, I knew I had to do it alone because he was going to be in Korea, but this was a different kind of "alone".  And for those that were there with me that day, they'd say she did it like a boss.  I did it with tears streaming down my face and even tried to not push so I didn't have to face this beautiful little last joy he left me.  But I did and out she came and a newly widowed mother of 4 kids under 5 I became.  There were some struggles with her at first that many of you don't know about.  You see, sweet TessieAnn was born with 2 HUGE knots in her umbilical cord but was perfectly healthy.  My Dr. was completely shocked that she was not a still born.  Apparently it is rare to see 1 knot in the umbilical cord, let alone 2 HUGE ones right next to each other.  Knots cause the blood flow to lessen from momma to baby and then baby doesn't get enough oxygen to live.  She also had a very hard time learning how to suck her formula, breath and swallow all at the same time (it's tough being a newborn!) She spent her first 24 hours of life in the NICU because of that.  She would turn blue because she was choking on her formula and couldn't breath.  But, I knew her daddy would protect her.  He had given her a kiss good-bye and it made a mark on her hand.  Which is how I know she was safe inside my womb, despite the 2 HUGE knots in her cord.

Q: You have 4 kids under 5, you're 25 AND you are a widow?  Wow!
A: Yup, I know!  I'm just as blown away by it as you are!  I never would have thought that at 24 I would have become a widow, been pregnant with baby #4 and had three other kids under the age of 5.  That's a lot for a married couple to raise together!  All I have to say is thank goodness for family and Dr. Pepper!

Q: How do you stay so strong??
A: I am here to tell you, straight from my mouth, that it is because of my faith, our love for each other and how he helped me to grow into who I am today.  He helped me to realize so much that I was so naive to several years ago.  He helped me fix my flaws, guide me in a better direction and shape the Brianna I am tonight.  And he continues to from heaven.  He still leaves me little sweet nothings everywhere.  They might not be right from his physical hand but I know who they are from.  And those moments I have to cherish and hold onto tight so I can make it through to the next time he leaves one for me to find.  But I have to be worthy enough and in the right state of mind to see them and feel them.  They aren't out in plain sight like they used to be.  They aren't tangible anymore.  But they do exist and I do see them and feel them.  Honestly, I am not that strong all the time.  I definitely have my moments.  More often than anyone realizes.  But I keep them to myself and my kids.  After I have them, I pick myself back up and dust myself off and say to myself, "Bri, you got this.  You can do this, as much as it hurts, you can do this.  Dustin has got your back!"  And I press on.  None of this would be possible without him.  We had helped each other become better people.  We had such a deep love for each other we felt as if we were one.  We were such great partners because we could point out what the other was doing wrong, give them some pointers and help them to push forward in the new, positive light.  Which we still continue to do, its just in a different way and it's a little harder to find the answers.  But, all of this helps me to stay strong, to press on despite what my heart, mind and body want to do.

I hope I was able to answer at least some of the questions many of you have wondered about.  Like I said in one of my answers, don't hesitate to message me.  If you have other questions, feel free to ask.  I will answer them, even if it feels uncomfortable for me.  It helps me to heal answering questions.  Stay tuned for my next blog post coming very soon, "Being Mom and Dad".

The Darkest Hours

So I have asked a few of my readers what they wanted to hear about most in my next blog and the general answer I got was "How did you manage to stay so calm, collected and strong throughout the entire funeral process?"  Well my friends, that is what I will tell you about tonight.  How I managed to put on that front when telling the most important people to me that Dustin was now gone and how I managed to make the final preparations for my husband that started just hours after I had found out he had passed away.

I want to start by saying it really was not as easy as I was making it seem.  But at the same time, I had never been through any of this before so I honestly didn't know what to fully expect.  I didn't know what to say to his mom, dad, sister or grandparents.  I didn't know how to tell my mom, dad and step mom, brothers and sister and grandparents.  But I just did.  I started with the most important next to me.  Dustin's mom.  That was the hardest phone call I had to make.  I had to tell his mother that her worst fears had come true.  That he had passed away while still serving in the Air Force.  Thank goodness it wasn't because he was killed in action but it still was not what I wanted to be calling her for.  I will never forget that phone call.  I will never forget how I managed to sit there, having contraction after contraction, telling her that it was true.  That I wasn't lying to her.  That somehow, some way it was all going to be OK.  That I was OK, even though I wasn't.  I never shook, I never trembled and I never cried to her because I knew that I needed to stay strong, for him.  Phone call after phone call I never cried.  I did, however, cry to the Commander, the First Shirt, the Assistant First Shirt and my best friend and key spouse all in between phone calls.  But for some reason I felt that I needed to stay strong for those I was talking to.  If I was weeping, could they have even understood me?  Would they have been able to hear what I was telling them?  Nope.  So I did as I am known to do in super stressful situations, remained calm.  But I could feel him calming my nerves.  I could feel his hand on mine and his voice telling me that I was doing a great job.  That I was staying so strong and that he was so proud of me for doing so.  After I called his mom I tried to get a hold of my mom.  But she was flying that day and I was unable to get her immediately.  I tried my dad, no answer.  He was traveling for work.  I then tried my step mom and she answered.  I told her the news and she was just as shocked as everyone else was.  But, she offered to come take the kids so that I could do what I needed to do for all of this.  Within 2 hours she was there and took them to Mesa so that I could finish what I needed to.  I am ever so grateful to her for doing that.  I don't know what I would've done having to finish phone calls, paperwork and deal with my emotions all while having to care for them.  As the day progressed I got phone calls from family members and friends.  I had friends come by to see me.  One friend in particular said that as soon as she walked into my house she could feel this calming feeling around me.  I was kind of stunned because my world was crumbling right in front of me.  But to this day I say it was Dustin holding me tight and helping me to cope.

Well, in between family and friends, I got other phone calls I didn't expect.  I didn't know that mortuary affairs would be calling me, setting up disposition of his remains and funeral arrangements.  I didn't know that casualty affairs would be calling me, informing me of all the different pays we were entitled to and would be receiving.  I didn't know that the very next day I would be having briefings with both of them to sign all of the necessary paperwork so that the military could start their side of the process to get him home to me, to get me the pays I needed in order to survive without him and to get the funeral paid for.  So, as these phone calls and briefings came at me I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know how to act.  I didn't know what to say when they told me certain things.  So I just did and said what came to my mind.  (Luckily being a young military wife showed and prepared me for all of this without me even knowing it.)

Mortuary affairs called first, at least that's what I can remember.  Ring, ring, ring.  Hello?  Oh, hi.  Ya I'm free to discuss that right not.  Wow, OK.  Uuuummmmm, sure lets do the steel casket instead of the wooden one.  Shoot, I need a funeral home?  I need to pick a cemetery?  Can I get back to you on that?  I just found out, haven't even put any thought into that.  He will be coming home when?  March 26?  Can we make it a day earlier or a day later?  That's my birthday and I would really prefer I didn't have that type of homecoming on my birthday.  OK, thank you.  What's your email address?  Phone number?  (as I'm fumbling to find any piece of paper and pen I could in my room)  Great, I got it.  I will call or email you later today.  BAM, just like that I had made some of the first final preparations for my husband not even realizing what was going on.  Nope, this is not happening, this is seriously just a dream.  He's going to message me.  He's going to call me and say "Gotcha!"  Ring, ring, ring!  Hello?  Hi, so tomorrow you will be coming to have me sign paperwork so I can receive his life insurance policy, stay on insurance, start the paperwork for all of the pay benefits for the kids and try to explain all of this to me?  Oh boy, OK.  Yes tomorrow at 1000 works.  Thanks.  BAM, just like that, right after Mortuary Affairs, Casualty Affairs was taken care of.  Now what?  My brain had just been put through a whirlwind!  Did this all really just happen?  Did I OK them to send his "remains" home?  Is this really Dustin we were talking about?  Yes, yes it was.  It wasn't a dream like I kept telling myself.  I shed so many tears that day.  I didn't know I had that many tears to shed.  But when you have true love like we did, there is no amount of tears that can feel sufficient enough to shed for when they leave you.

The next day I made it through my briefings, but I could not have done it without my parents.  Unfortunately they had been through a few funerals and had helped with the preparations so they kind of knew what to expect.  I am ever so glad they were there.  I mean come on, I was a 24 year old pregnant woman who just lost the love of her life and man of her dreams.  Was I really being held responsible for all of this?  Yup, I had to.  So they helped to lead and guide me in those briefings with Casualty Affairs and Mortuary Affairs.  They helped me to pick a funeral home and a cemetery.  Which luckily Dustin and I had discussed before he left as a precautionary.  But that didn't make it any easier.  The funeral home we discussed has been family friends for years, so that made for an easy decision.  And the cemetery is a very nice, well kept cemetery that happened to be where my grandpa was buried.  Now that those had been decided upon the nitty gritty of the funeral got started.  I needed to plan the program.  Here we go, this really has to be a dream!!  I should not be planning my husbands funeral at 24, 27 weeks pregnant!  But I was and it continued to shock me.  As I planned the program I prayed and pondered almost night and day about who I should have speak, what songs I should have sung, who the honorary paulbearers should be, what day he should be laid to rest?  I felt as if I was on auto pilot throughout this whole process.  I honestly can't remember many of the details from planning the actual funeral.  I just woke up everyday with a to-do list that I had thought about all night and got it done.  And as many of you know, don't stand in my way when something is on my mind.  I will get it done and I will do so in a timely manner, however that needs to happen.  As the next week passed we celebrated my birthday, as much guilt as I felt for doing so my family insisted on it.  So we did.  It was the best thing I could have done.  I received two gifts from him that day as well.  One of which he never got the chance to order but that I had known about, contacted the seller and made arrangements for it to arrive on my birthday.  Those two gifts I will forever cherish and they helped to get me through all of this.  That next evening he was scheduled to arrive back in Arizona.  As I prepared to go see him arrive at the airport I got butterflies in my tummy and shook like crazy.  The same feeling I'd get every time I got ready to go on a date with him.  I always wanted to look my best for him and I always got butterflies before I'd see him wondering if he'd think I looked beautiful.  But these were a different kind of butterflies.  They were a terrified kind of butterflies.  Terrified of what would happen to me watching my husbands casket be unloaded off the airplane.  Oh how my body hurt.  How my heart felt like it stopped.  This was not the homecoming I had wanted for us.  This was not what I had pictured it would be.  But before we left I had my dad give me a blessing and I am 100% positive that is what helped me through that night.  As I watched the plane come into the gate my heart sunk.  There he was.  In the cargo of that plane.  In just a few short moments, I'd be watching the cargo crew and the Honor Guard unload Dustin from the airplane.  I have never felt so weak in my entire life.  I have never felt so sick in my entire life.  I have never felt so hurt.  But, I managed to stand tall, proud of the homecoming he did have.  As much as it wasn't what I wanted, the pride and respect from all of the police, fire, passengers of the airplane and other military members was breathtaking.  Their pride and respect helped keep me standing.  To know that they were there for my husband who had died honorably for his country was priceless.  I could feel their love for him and that made me so proud to be his wife, the one left to carry on his legacy.

It finally came time to lay him to rest.  I had been dreading that day since the day I found out.  I didn't want to say my final good bye.  I didn't want my kids to see their daddy be laid to rest, in the ground to never see him again.  Ready or not, here it was.  I was an emotional wreck.  I don't remember how much of that I showed but I was completely falling apart on the inside.  I would never be able to see him again in my earthly life and that was a lot to swallow at now 25.  Most of our kids would never know their daddy.  How unfair was this?  So unfair.  So incredibly unfair.  But was this going to change any of it?  No, unfortunately it was not going to change a damn thing.  So we did it.  We stood there and listened to that 21 gun salute, the trumpet play Taps, watched them fold his flag and present it to me and all of our kids and listened to the final AMMO call his fellow AMMO troops made for him.  And just like that, it was all done.  He was laid to rest and my new normal had begun.  Without him, completely on auto pilot until months later when it all started to slow down and life really began.

Throughout all of this I can not begin to tell you of all the love and support I had come my way.  My best friend and key spouse set up a meal train for us.  Many church members brought over survival care baskets for the kids and I.  So many past and present AMMO troops sent their condolences.  His Commander from Korea called me nightly just to talk and make sure I was taking the time I needed for myself so that I could keep chugging on.  People I didn't even know helped to contribute to a fundraiser Chili's agreed to put on for us.  Friends sent me messages on Facebook expressing their condolences and offering their help in anyway possible.  Amazing family and friends give me priesthood blessing after priesthood blessing.  Knowing that all of these people, near and far, wanted to help the kids and I was just amazing.  I can not express enough thanks to all of you for how much this helped me through all of this.  How much it still helps me to this day.  Without having all of you to be strong for I believe I would have crumbled.  But with you all showing me how much we meant to you and that you all wanted to help the kids and I, I managed to stay even stronger.  And for those of you who have known me for a LONG TIME, know that I am not someone to normally break down under stress to begin with.  I somehow work better, harder and faster under stress and I try to not let it break me.  So to add all of the love and support from all over the world just boosted how I managed to put on my front, keep on chugging and how I continue to keep on chugging.

Everlasting Beginnings

As many of you know, Dustin and I are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Also known to everyone as Mormons.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, some of you might be shocked by this if you didn't know already, but we are.  Not perfect in any way shape or form, but it is what we fully believe in.  Lots of you have heard me say that our love and marriage is eternal.  Well, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, that is what we believe to be true when you are sealed (married) in the temple.  That you will be together for all time and eternity.  I honestly did not know how true that was until I truly felt my marriage had ended.  I mean, do we really know what happens after we die?  Where do we really go?  Unfortunately I still don't know those answers 100% but I do know there is a heaven and that the covenants made between Dustin, our Heavenly Father and I have not been broken.  You see, before anyone knew something was wrong our oldest girl AmyLynn, who is 4, had come running frantically down the hall very late into the night on Monday, March 17.  She was screaming out to me, "Mommy!! Mommy!!  Where is daddy?  Where is he?  Something is wrong!  Have you heard from him yet??"  Being the mom I am I reassured her that everything would be OK and that her daddy was most likely fine.  He was probably at work and didn't have time to message us because they were so swamped and that we'd get to Skype with him the next morning.  I put her back to bed and noticed that all of our lights in the house were on.  Hmmm.  OK, weird.  I thought I had turned them all off.  Oh well, pregnancy brain gets the best of me after being pregnant 4 times.  So off all the lights went and off to bed I tried to go.  Tuesday morning came and went and then the inevitable happened.  Little did I know how close Dustin would be to me and to our children throughout the next 2 weeks.  And how close he has remained to us since that day.  I could feel him so close, almost talking me through all of the final decision making I had to do hours, days and weeks after his death.  I could feel him with me almost all the time and that was a huge comfort to me.  There was one time that I could actually, physically see him.  It was when we were putting the finishing touches to his temple garments for burial.  I had struggled with what to bury him in.  We had discussed this in private together before he left but it was a hard decision to make once the time actually came around.  I prayed and pondered so earnestly for an answer and finally decided he needed to be in his temple garments.  He was very happy and proud to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I knew he would want to be in what made him the most proud.  So as we finished putting the final touches on, I saw him.  Oh how angelic and lively he looked!  He had his big, happy grin on his face and gave me this look like, "You did it babe.  Thank you."  Right then and there I knew he was already telling everyone he could about the kids and I and how proud he was of us and how he couldn't wait to be with all of us again.  No matter how long the wait.  the day finally came that we had to lay him to rest.  AmyLynn was very concerned about her daddy and the bugs getting to him because he had been buried in the ground.  So we took her out to go see where he was buried and explain to her that daddy would be just fine and was very protected under ground.  Right then I could feel him with me and what AmyLynn told me next brought tears to my eyes and confirmation to my being.  Remember earlier how I explained how she had come running frantically down the hall that Monday night?  Well, she explained to me what had happened that night.  As we conversed together she had informed me that her daddy had come to see her and tell her that Heavenly Father was calling him home and that he was going to miss his little Goose so badly but that he was going to be OK.  That he needed her to be a big girl and help mommy with her brother and sisters because he wasn't going to be there anymore.  She said she had begged him not to go and that they were crying together and he gave her a hug and said he had to go but that he loved her so very much and would miss her so very much but he would never be very far and would always be able to watch her and love her from above.  She said he hugged her so tight, told her he loved her one last time and said good bye and then he was gone.  She said she turned on all the lights in the house because she was trying to find him and when she couldn't that's when she came to find me.  Wow.  OK.  If that wasn't a testimony builder right there, I don't know what is!  After hearing that from our 4 year old daughter, who couldn't have made that up if she tried, I knew right then and there that he was still living and that the feelings of him being so close were real. He may not be physically here anymore but his spirit was still very much alive and he wanted to make sure she knew that he was going to be OK.  

Four days after Dustin was buried our church had its semi-annual General Conference.  In the 4th session of that conference President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke on something that changed my life forever and for the better.  He spoke to all about how we need to be grateful for everything even in the darkest hours of our lives.  He also talked about everlasting beginnings.  Now you might be asking yourself, "What in the world is an everlasting beginning?"  Well, as I listened to his talk I learned what is was.  As members, like I stated earlier, we believe that once sealed (married) in the temple we will be together for all time and eternity.  So, our lives together never really end, they become an everlasting beginning.  To quote Pres. Uchtdorf, "There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."  It all made sense now!  I mean it did before, but his talk really, truly confirmed it for me.  My life didn't just end on March 19, although my human brain and heart sure seemed to think so, my life had just started!  I mean, come on, I have the BEST husband out there!  Who is watching, leading, guiding and continuously loving me from up above in heaven!!  I might not have him here with me on this earth and a part of me will forever be missing until we are truly reunited, but our love can be felt so strongly throughout the eternities!  Like we all see so many signs in our favorite store Hobby Lobby, A True Love Story Never Ends!  And ours hasn't, it has only begun.  It continues to grow stronger as each day passes, just as it did while we were still together in this earthly life.  He helps me in ways I don't even know and I'm sure I help him in ways he doesn't even know.  Yet at the same time we help each other in numerous ways that can be felt, heard and seen still to this day.  I am so very grateful for the knowledge I have and the testimony that has only continued to grow since Dustin has left us from this earth.  I am so very grateful that I was chosen to stay on this earth to raise our 4 beautiful children and to be able to tell them how wonderful of a love story their parents have because it is lasting through the veil.  How grateful I am to have a second chance at life and be able to appreciate each and every day more than the last.  As long as I can remember to be grateful, in the midst of my dark world, I will find happiness again.  All because of my everlasting beginning!  I am attaching the link to Pres. Uchtdorf's talk if anyone is interested in listening to it  .Everlasting Beginnings

My Heartache

Yup, you read the title right.  I am going to tell you about my heart ache.  But, I am also going to uplift you and give you an insight on how I remain so strong.  So, grab your tissues and your snuggle blanket like I have done and read along.  

My heart ache started before I even knew Dustin was dead.  Like I wrote in my last post,  I knew something was wrong before the military told me and that is when my heartache started.  When you love someone as much as we loved each other, you worry about them.  You worry about their well being, you care so deeply for them it's as if you are inside them feeling the same pains they do.  So when I wasn't hearing from him I started to worry.  I started to have heart aches for him and his well being.  Well, we all know what happened next and that is when my heart literally experienced a heart break.  It was no longer a heart ache.  My heart literally broke.  Ok, maybe not literally, but you all know what I mean.  I was never going to get to talk to him again.  I was never going to get to hug him, kiss him, feel as if we were one or see him alive.  Those feelings my friends are the worst ones in the entire world.  To know that his last "I love you" really was the last time I'd hear that (or read it) was a stab in the heart.  To listen to those words from his CO and the Chaplin stabbed my heart.  For the next 2 weeks my heart would be stabbed a gazillion more times.  And I thought that would be the end of it.  But it wasn't.  For the next 6 months my heart was stabbed and has continued to be stabbed as each item from Korea arrived and had to be inventoried, as each special date has come and gone, as I've found out certain things that sometimes I wish I could erase from my memory.  But somehow I have managed to stay strong, steadfast and full of courage.  I've managed to stand unwavering through all of this.  I've managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and say, "Ok Bri, let's do this!"  Why?  Because of him.  Because I know he wouldn't want me to be a depressed mother of 4 young, vibrant children who need their mommy to lead and guide them and help them in their grieving process too.  I know he wouldn't want me to dwell on the past and be negative about it, nor be so depressed.  So I continue to live my life for him.  I continue to stay positive so that I can learn to be happy again and heal my broken heart.  Like Dusty always said, this life is about living so live it to its fullest!  Never say you can't,  never stop believing in yourself, never let go.  So that is what I'm doing.  I might not have him here with me anymore, but he is still right by my side, helping me every step of the way.  My heart will always have a missing piece but that missing piece never really is missing, he's just waiting for me on the other side.  He's looking down on me watching every thing I do and thinking to himself, "Damn, I married one hell of a woman!"  Which is why Heavenly Father chose me to be put through this trial.  He knew that I could make it.  That I could weather this storm, unwavering, steadfast and full of courage and strength.  So remember my dear friends.  Life is fragile, but it is the only life you get to live.  Live it to its fullest and do so in the most positive way you know how.  Don't go to bed angry, don't forget to say I love you before you walk out that door, don't hold grudges for too long.  You never know when it is going to be your last earthly kiss, your last earthly I love you or your last earthly moment with them.  Live, laugh and love my friends.  You wont regret it.   

W-Day

You might be asking yourself, What in the world is W-Day?  Well, we all know that day in history called D-Day right?  It was a life changing day for everyone, right?  Well, I call March 19 W-Day.  The day my life changed in the blink of an eye.  Its the day they say I became a Widow.  Now, I say its the day they say I became a widow because its the day they found my poor husband, alone in his dorm room unresponsive.  Its the day they came and rang my door bell making my heart literally stop and my body feel the worst pain it has EVER  felt.

It started off like any normal morning did.  Kids got up earlier than I wanted, the whining started immediately, no one wanted to eat breakfast and I kept checking my phone for a message from him.  I had been really worried because I hadn't heard from him since Monday morning.  Which was not like him at all.  He would message me ANY chance he got and visa versa.  I kept telling myself that he was just busy.  I mean lets be honest here, he was in Korea, just finished a 100% inventory and those are not easy.  I messaged friend after friend letting them know of my concern.  All who reassured me he was probably fine.  He was in KOREA!  Nothing happens to them in Korea.  They go there, they work hard, they visit us halfway and then they come home and we move on.  Unfortunately, that didn't happen for me.  As each day passed, I had the WORST gut feeling ever.  I knew something was wrong.  But who wants to be that crazy ass military wife who calls their husbands CO because they haven't heard from them in a few days?  I sure as heck didn't want to!!  So I Googled anything and everything possible I thought could have happened in Korea.  My search came up empty.  And then there it hit me.  Oh my gosh, something is really wrong and I am going to get a knock no later than Wednesday.  Whether he is seriously hurt or he is . . . dead.  So back to that morning.  We had friends coming over so I could babysit their girls while their mom went to a dentist appointment.  She was late.  She's never late.  Ok, maybe she got busy with the girls and had a hard pregnancy morning.  She'll get here.  15 minutes went by and she still wasn't there.  Ok, this is just really weird.  Where was she?  Why was she late?  As I went to go grab my phone to message her and see where she was the door bell rang!!  Yay!!  They are here!!!  The kids ran to the door SOOO excited, looked out the window but didn't see who they wanted to.  Our oldest yelled out to me, "Mom!! It's two guys in blue uniforms like the nice ones daddy wears!!"  What?!  No . .  NO . . . NNNOOO!!!  If I don't answer they will go away eventually right?  No, no they won't.  So, tears in my eyes, I very bravely opened the door, invited them in and asked if everything was ok.  They immediately asked if we could sit.  Oh no, this is not good.  This is a dream.  Someone pinch me.  I'm need to wake up from this.  Well we sat down on my couch and they proceeded to tell me that they regretted to inform me that my husband, Senior Airman Dustin Owens had been found dead in his dorm room on 19 March, 2014.  WHAT!!!!!  This can't be true.  Breath!!  I'm 27 weeks pregnant.  BREATH!!!  He's healthy.  He's in Korea.  Nothing is supposed to happen to him.  BREATH!!!!!  I cried.  I screamed.  Seriously woman, B R E A T H!!!!!  I had to stop and process what they had just told me.  I needed to breath through my contractions I started having.  What was I to do now?  I don't have a college degree.  I'm 27 weeks pregnant, who is going to hire a pregnant lady in her 3rd trimester?  How am I going to tell our kids that daddy is never going to come home?  How am I going to give birth to this sweet, tender little girl without her father?  How am I going to . . . What am I going to . . . Oh Lord, this can't be true!!!  But it was.  The Chaplin and his CO from Davis-Monthan were so kind.  In my darkest moments they reassured me that everything was going to be ok.  That because my husband was in the military that they would take great care of the kids and I.  Is that what I honestly wanted to hear?  Not really, but it helped to somewhat put my mind at ease.  The rest of that day is almost a blur to me.  I remember calling family.  Telling them the worst news in my entire life.  I will never forget those phone calls.  Oh how those phone calls hurt so very badly.  It was almost worse having to call family and tell them the news.  The day seemed to drag on.  But throughout it all the military stayed right by my side, literally dropped everything they had going on to come make sure the kids and I were ok.  And still do to this day.  My church family stayed by me, dropped everything they were doing to come make sure we were ok, dropped their evening plans to come administer a blessing on me and anyone else who wanted one.  I felt completely alone and like my whole world had just ended.  Half my heart was gone.  For the rest of my earthly life, he was gone.  But in all reality, I was never alone.  I still am never alone  And I am so grateful for everyone who helped me in my darkest hours and for those that continue to help me through my darkest days, weeks and months.  I might have become a Widow on March 19, 2014 but I have gained so much from this tragic life event.  And for all that I have gained I will forever be eternally grateful.  To quote a book we read quite often at night, "Lifetimes are really all the same, there is a beginning and an ending and there is living in between."  None of us make it out of this world alive.  God just needs some of us back much sooner than others.  We all have jobs to do for Him, whether it is here on earth or it is up in heaven.  We will go and be where He needs us most.

Now you might be asking yourself, How in the world is she so strong?  How can she be so grateful for things that have happened after such a tragedy for her?  Well, one thing my husband was very good at, was helping everyone see the positives in life.  The more positive you are the better your life will be.  And I am here to attest to that.  I have my moments where I completely break down and ball for days.  But, I pick myself up, dust myself off and keep on trucking.  The better I truck along the more blessed I will be, right?  So the more blessed I am, the better my life without him will be and the faster it will seem to go, making our reunion in Heaven that much greater!  I am so blessed that I have the opportunity to stay here on earth and raise our 4 beautiful children.  We all have an amazing guardian angel now.  We might not like it and might not ever like it.  But he is always there for us and will always be there for us.  Like we used to say to each other all the time, To Infinity and Beyond!!!

The History of Us

So, as I'm sure you've all gathered from my blogs name, I am a widowed AMMO wife.  Which came as a 100% complete surprise to me exactly 6 months ago today.  But before I go into how I became a widow at the ripe age of 24, I want to give you all the wonderful history of us.  The history to the amazing, true love story that will last through the eternities.  

You see, we met in high school through a wonderful mutual friend.  We'd heard a lot about each other because we both played sports, him football and me softball.  But neither of us knew exactly who each other were.  There was no face with that name.  Until one Friday night at our High School's football game, we finally were able to put a face to that name.  I thought to myself, Oh my Lord!!  This is him???  This is the guy that the whole softball team ALWAYS talked about???  This is the guy that was in my

CP English writing class (before I dropped it) that I got to stare at but never knew who he was???  Oh LORD!!!  So handsome.  So amazingly HOTT!!!  Seriously took my breath away when I finally realized who he was.  Now you might be asking yourself, was it love at first sight?  Um, yes.  In every aspect of the words.  But he tested his fish in the sea before finally realizing that he should give me a shot.   After he realized this, it didn't take long for him to swoop me off my feet in true Dustin fashion and ask me to be his girlfriend.  With lots of amazingly, convincing words all while I celebrated my 18 birthday 7 1/2 years ago.  Did this just happen?  Did the man of my dreams really just ask me to be his girlfriend?  YES!!  HE DID!!  From then on I knew I was going marry him.  I knew I was going to have a family with him.  I knew he was the one for me.  Over the next several months of dating and him helping me through some pretty rough life changes, we grew to love each other so very deeply.  Deeper than anything either of us had ever felt.  We went to Senior Prom together.  We graduated together.  We broke up.  We got back together.  We moved in with each other.  We moved out and away from each other.  But nothing could keep us separated.  We could never be without each other for longer than 24 hours.  Even during a breakup.  We continued to live with each other for about 2 years when I finally asked him what he was doing with his life.  If he wanted to marry me and start a life with me.  He immediately said of course I do!  So we went looking for rings, found one and I ended up having to buy it.  Yes, I payed for my engagement ring.  But if it meant that I got to marry the man of my dreams, I didn't give a rats a$$!!  So, we got engaged in October of 2008, while wrestling on our bed like we did for fun quite often.  After the hype of us getting engaged settled I asked him again what he was gonna do as a career in life.  I told him he needed to figure out what he was going to do with his life so he could pay me back for the ring and say that he payed for the engagement ring.  Well, like he had always told me he wanted to do, in November he enlisted in the Air Force and decided then that he was going to make being an American Airman his career.   

Soon after we were engaged though he started taking the missionary discussions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  He decided pretty quickly that he wanted to be baptized so that we could be sealed together for all time and eternity.  Because we were living together without being married, we moved up our wedding from April to January so he could get baptized.   Completely  surprised our families and it was thought to be a shotgun wedding but we wanted to do things right.  It was the best decision we had ever made.  We loved each other so deeply and wanted to be together for all time and eternity.  We were married civilly on January 10, 2009 and he was baptized a week later.  Soon after we married we became pregnant with our first baby.  A sweet girl who changed our lives forever in the next best way possible after being married to each other.  Dustin then left for Basic Military Training on April 7th, 2009, graduated in June and finished his technical training for his job as an AMMO troop in August.  We embarked on our new adventure as a newlywed Air Force couple and pregnant with our first child on Labor Day weekend in 2009.  It was a fun, new adventure we were so excited to start.  We were excited to experience new things.  Discover who we really were together as a couple.  And we did.  The next 4 1/2 years brought TDY's, long work days and weeks, 3 more kids, finally a temple sealing and a relationship that grew so tremendously it amazed everyone who knew us.  But then one day this wonderful, amazing, earthly relationship came to an abrupt end.  BAM.  Just like that.  Quicker than the blink of an eye.  He was gone.  My world ended.  The whole history of us really truly became the history of us.