So my dear friends, given my recent trip to Disneyland with our oldest for her 5th birthday and all of the MANY questions I received from strangers after she had brought up that her dad died, I figured it would be a good idea to write a post about the MANY questions I get asked on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. There are many, but I am going to cover the most important ones, at least what I think are the most important ones. Ready? Here I go. . .
Q: Is there anything I can do?/What can I do to help?
A: Well, honestly, just continue to pray for us. Send us good thoughts, vibes. Whatever it is that you believe in, send it our way. Text me, don't call because I probably won't answer, but text me and let me know you're still thinking about me. If you don't have my phone number, Facebook me. I might not answer texts or Facebook either but it lets me know that you still care and love us. If you have memories of Dustin, please share them with me so I can write them down and share them with our kids. I only have what I can remember and what we experienced. So please, don't think it will offend me, share! I'd say you could drop by with a dinner but I will be the only one who eats it because our kids are SO picky. I'd also say you could just drop by to help clean, do laundry, babysit so I could go grocery shopping or have time alone or to talk but we have seen so many different people in the last 7 months and I have been all over the place. We are all starting to feel those affects. The kids need me and I need them. We need to figure this new routine out together, with very menial amounts of interruptions.
Q: How did your husband die?
A: I really don't like to answer this question. Nor do I like to hear it. It's a touchy subject for me because he was so young, vibrant and healthy. But, I will answer this so those of you who don't really know can now understand. His heart was enlarged and had an infection that coincided with his small pox vaccine he had received just 2 weeks prior. Was it his small pox vaccine that ultimately killed him? I am almost positive that it was. Unfortunately the medical examiner couldn't "definitively establish nor rule out" that it was from the small pox vaccine. So it is one of those things that there is an answer, but it's not a complete answer in my mind.
Q: Your husband was how old when he died??
A: He was 24 years old. Yup, a whopping 24. And he just happened to die 9 days after his Great Grandmother Cora was called home, almost 7 years to the day that my grandpa was called home and exactly a week before my 25 birthday. Which would have made the start of 8 years together for us. Crazy, yes I know.
Q: You were pregnant when he died? Oh wow, how did you handle that???
A: Well, I knew that I had to take care of this little bundle of joy that he had left me. We had fallen so madly in love with her, even though she was totally NOT planned, expected or even wanted, honestly. But I knew that I had something inside of me that relied on my every move, every meal and every thought. So I pushed through it till I could no longer handle it. I pleaded with my Dr. to induce me at 38 weeks because I couldn't handle the PTSD or the anxiety anymore. I couldn't stand to carry this child one more day. So she finally agreed to have me induced, which actually ended up being a good thing because my amniotic fluid was getting pretty low. Now about the delivery, you can ask anyone that was in the delivery room with me that day. I had no choice. She was coming ready or not. Now, I knew I had to do it alone because he was going to be in Korea, but this was a different kind of "alone". And for those that were there with me that day, they'd say she did it like a boss. I did it with tears streaming down my face and even tried to not push so I didn't have to face this beautiful little last joy he left me. But I did and out she came and a newly widowed mother of 4 kids under 5 I became. There were some struggles with her at first that many of you don't know about. You see, sweet TessieAnn was born with 2 HUGE knots in her umbilical cord but was perfectly healthy. My Dr. was completely shocked that she was not a still born. Apparently it is rare to see 1 knot in the umbilical cord, let alone 2 HUGE ones right next to each other. Knots cause the blood flow to lessen from momma to baby and then baby doesn't get enough oxygen to live. She also had a very hard time learning how to suck her formula, breath and swallow all at the same time (it's tough being a newborn!) She spent her first 24 hours of life in the NICU because of that. She would turn blue because she was choking on her formula and couldn't breath. But, I knew her daddy would protect her. He had given her a kiss good-bye and it made a mark on her hand. Which is how I know she was safe inside my womb, despite the 2 HUGE knots in her cord.
Q: You have 4 kids under 5, you're 25 AND you are a widow? Wow!
A: Yup, I know! I'm just as blown away by it as you are! I never would have thought that at 24 I would have become a widow, been pregnant with baby #4 and had three other kids under the age of 5. That's a lot for a married couple to raise together! All I have to say is thank goodness for family and Dr. Pepper!
Q: How do you stay so strong??
A: I am here to tell you, straight from my mouth, that it is because of my faith, our love for each other and how he helped me to grow into who I am today. He helped me to realize so much that I was so naive to several years ago. He helped me fix my flaws, guide me in a better direction and shape the Brianna I am tonight. And he continues to from heaven. He still leaves me little sweet nothings everywhere. They might not be right from his physical hand but I know who they are from. And those moments I have to cherish and hold onto tight so I can make it through to the next time he leaves one for me to find. But I have to be worthy enough and in the right state of mind to see them and feel them. They aren't out in plain sight like they used to be. They aren't tangible anymore. But they do exist and I do see them and feel them. Honestly, I am not that strong all the time. I definitely have my moments. More often than anyone realizes. But I keep them to myself and my kids. After I have them, I pick myself back up and dust myself off and say to myself, "Bri, you got this. You can do this, as much as it hurts, you can do this. Dustin has got your back!" And I press on. None of this would be possible without him. We had helped each other become better people. We had such a deep love for each other we felt as if we were one. We were such great partners because we could point out what the other was doing wrong, give them some pointers and help them to push forward in the new, positive light. Which we still continue to do, its just in a different way and it's a little harder to find the answers. But, all of this helps me to stay strong, to press on despite what my heart, mind and body want to do.
I hope I was able to answer at least some of the questions many of you have wondered about. Like I said in one of my answers, don't hesitate to message me. If you have other questions, feel free to ask. I will answer them, even if it feels uncomfortable for me. It helps me to heal answering questions. Stay tuned for my next blog post coming very soon, "Being Mom and Dad".
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