So I have asked a few of my readers what they wanted to hear about most in my next blog and the general answer I got was "How did you manage to stay so calm, collected and strong throughout the entire funeral process?" Well my friends, that is what I will tell you about tonight. How I managed to put on that front when telling the most important people to me that Dustin was now gone and how I managed to make the final preparations for my husband that started just hours after I had found out he had passed away.
I want to start by saying it really was not as easy as I was making it seem. But at the same time, I had never been through any of this before so I honestly didn't know what to fully expect. I didn't know what to say to his mom, dad, sister or grandparents. I didn't know how to tell my mom, dad and step mom, brothers and sister and grandparents. But I just did. I started with the most important next to me. Dustin's mom. That was the hardest phone call I had to make. I had to tell his mother that her worst fears had come true. That he had passed away while still serving in the Air Force. Thank goodness it wasn't because he was killed in action but it still was not what I wanted to be calling her for. I will never forget that phone call. I will never forget how I managed to sit there, having contraction after contraction, telling her that it was true. That I wasn't lying to her. That somehow, some way it was all going to be OK. That I was OK, even though I wasn't. I never shook, I never trembled and I never cried to her because I knew that I needed to stay strong, for him. Phone call after phone call I never cried. I did, however, cry to the Commander, the First Shirt, the Assistant First Shirt and my best friend and key spouse all in between phone calls. But for some reason I felt that I needed to stay strong for those I was talking to. If I was weeping, could they have even understood me? Would they have been able to hear what I was telling them? Nope. So I did as I am known to do in super stressful situations, remained calm. But I could feel him calming my nerves. I could feel his hand on mine and his voice telling me that I was doing a great job. That I was staying so strong and that he was so proud of me for doing so. After I called his mom I tried to get a hold of my mom. But she was flying that day and I was unable to get her immediately. I tried my dad, no answer. He was traveling for work. I then tried my step mom and she answered. I told her the news and she was just as shocked as everyone else was. But, she offered to come take the kids so that I could do what I needed to do for all of this. Within 2 hours she was there and took them to Mesa so that I could finish what I needed to. I am ever so grateful to her for doing that. I don't know what I would've done having to finish phone calls, paperwork and deal with my emotions all while having to care for them. As the day progressed I got phone calls from family members and friends. I had friends come by to see me. One friend in particular said that as soon as she walked into my house she could feel this calming feeling around me. I was kind of stunned because my world was crumbling right in front of me. But to this day I say it was Dustin holding me tight and helping me to cope.
Well, in between family and friends, I got other phone calls I didn't expect. I didn't know that mortuary affairs would be calling me, setting up disposition of his remains and funeral arrangements. I didn't know that casualty affairs would be calling me, informing me of all the different pays we were entitled to and would be receiving. I didn't know that the very next day I would be having briefings with both of them to sign all of the necessary paperwork so that the military could start their side of the process to get him home to me, to get me the pays I needed in order to survive without him and to get the funeral paid for. So, as these phone calls and briefings came at me I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how to act. I didn't know what to say when they told me certain things. So I just did and said what came to my mind. (Luckily being a young military wife showed and prepared me for all of this without me even knowing it.)
Mortuary affairs called first, at least that's what I can remember. Ring, ring, ring. Hello? Oh, hi. Ya I'm free to discuss that right not. Wow, OK. Uuuummmmm, sure lets do the steel casket instead of the wooden one. Shoot, I need a funeral home? I need to pick a cemetery? Can I get back to you on that? I just found out, haven't even put any thought into that. He will be coming home when? March 26? Can we make it a day earlier or a day later? That's my birthday and I would really prefer I didn't have that type of homecoming on my birthday. OK, thank you. What's your email address? Phone number? (as I'm fumbling to find any piece of paper and pen I could in my room) Great, I got it. I will call or email you later today. BAM, just like that I had made some of the first final preparations for my husband not even realizing what was going on. Nope, this is not happening, this is seriously just a dream. He's going to message me. He's going to call me and say "Gotcha!" Ring, ring, ring! Hello? Hi, so tomorrow you will be coming to have me sign paperwork so I can receive his life insurance policy, stay on insurance, start the paperwork for all of the pay benefits for the kids and try to explain all of this to me? Oh boy, OK. Yes tomorrow at 1000 works. Thanks. BAM, just like that, right after Mortuary Affairs, Casualty Affairs was taken care of. Now what? My brain had just been put through a whirlwind! Did this all really just happen? Did I OK them to send his "remains" home? Is this really Dustin we were talking about? Yes, yes it was. It wasn't a dream like I kept telling myself. I shed so many tears that day. I didn't know I had that many tears to shed. But when you have true love like we did, there is no amount of tears that can feel sufficient enough to shed for when they leave you.
The next day I made it through my briefings, but I could not have done it without my parents. Unfortunately they had been through a few funerals and had helped with the preparations so they kind of knew what to expect. I am ever so glad they were there. I mean come on, I was a 24 year old pregnant woman who just lost the love of her life and man of her dreams. Was I really being held responsible for all of this? Yup, I had to. So they helped to lead and guide me in those briefings with Casualty Affairs and Mortuary Affairs. They helped me to pick a funeral home and a cemetery. Which luckily Dustin and I had discussed before he left as a precautionary. But that didn't make it any easier. The funeral home we discussed has been family friends for years, so that made for an easy decision. And the cemetery is a very nice, well kept cemetery that happened to be where my grandpa was buried. Now that those had been decided upon the nitty gritty of the funeral got started. I needed to plan the program. Here we go, this really has to be a dream!! I should not be planning my husbands funeral at 24, 27 weeks pregnant! But I was and it continued to shock me. As I planned the program I prayed and pondered almost night and day about who I should have speak, what songs I should have sung, who the honorary paulbearers should be, what day he should be laid to rest? I felt as if I was on auto pilot throughout this whole process. I honestly can't remember many of the details from planning the actual funeral. I just woke up everyday with a to-do list that I had thought about all night and got it done. And as many of you know, don't stand in my way when something is on my mind. I will get it done and I will do so in a timely manner, however that needs to happen. As the next week passed we celebrated my birthday, as much guilt as I felt for doing so my family insisted on it. So we did. It was the best thing I could have done. I received two gifts from him that day as well. One of which he never got the chance to order but that I had known about, contacted the seller and made arrangements for it to arrive on my birthday. Those two gifts I will forever cherish and they helped to get me through all of this. That next evening he was scheduled to arrive back in Arizona. As I prepared to go see him arrive at the airport I got butterflies in my tummy and shook like crazy. The same feeling I'd get every time I got ready to go on a date with him. I always wanted to look my best for him and I always got butterflies before I'd see him wondering if he'd think I looked beautiful. But these were a different kind of butterflies. They were a terrified kind of butterflies. Terrified of what would happen to me watching my husbands casket be unloaded off the airplane. Oh how my body hurt. How my heart felt like it stopped. This was not the homecoming I had wanted for us. This was not what I had pictured it would be. But before we left I had my dad give me a blessing and I am 100% positive that is what helped me through that night. As I watched the plane come into the gate my heart sunk. There he was. In the cargo of that plane. In just a few short moments, I'd be watching the cargo crew and the Honor Guard unload Dustin from the airplane. I have never felt so weak in my entire life. I have never felt so sick in my entire life. I have never felt so hurt. But, I managed to stand tall, proud of the homecoming he did have. As much as it wasn't what I wanted, the pride and respect from all of the police, fire, passengers of the airplane and other military members was breathtaking. Their pride and respect helped keep me standing. To know that they were there for my husband who had died honorably for his country was priceless. I could feel their love for him and that made me so proud to be his wife, the one left to carry on his legacy.
It finally came time to lay him to rest. I had been dreading that day since the day I found out. I didn't want to say my final good bye. I didn't want my kids to see their daddy be laid to rest, in the ground to never see him again. Ready or not, here it was. I was an emotional wreck. I don't remember how much of that I showed but I was completely falling apart on the inside. I would never be able to see him again in my earthly life and that was a lot to swallow at now 25. Most of our kids would never know their daddy. How unfair was this? So unfair. So incredibly unfair. But was this going to change any of it? No, unfortunately it was not going to change a damn thing. So we did it. We stood there and listened to that 21 gun salute, the trumpet play Taps, watched them fold his flag and present it to me and all of our kids and listened to the final AMMO call his fellow AMMO troops made for him. And just like that, it was all done. He was laid to rest and my new normal had begun. Without him, completely on auto pilot until months later when it all started to slow down and life really began.
Throughout all of this I can not begin to tell you of all the love and support I had come my way. My best friend and key spouse set up a meal train for us. Many church members brought over survival care baskets for the kids and I. So many past and present AMMO troops sent their condolences. His Commander from Korea called me nightly just to talk and make sure I was taking the time I needed for myself so that I could keep chugging on. People I didn't even know helped to contribute to a fundraiser Chili's agreed to put on for us. Friends sent me messages on Facebook expressing their condolences and offering their help in anyway possible. Amazing family and friends give me priesthood blessing after priesthood blessing. Knowing that all of these people, near and far, wanted to help the kids and I was just amazing. I can not express enough thanks to all of you for how much this helped me through all of this. How much it still helps me to this day. Without having all of you to be strong for I believe I would have crumbled. But with you all showing me how much we meant to you and that you all wanted to help the kids and I, I managed to stay even stronger. And for those of you who have known me for a LONG TIME, know that I am not someone to normally break down under stress to begin with. I somehow work better, harder and faster under stress and I try to not let it break me. So to add all of the love and support from all over the world just boosted how I managed to put on my front, keep on chugging and how I continue to keep on chugging.
No comments:
Post a Comment