Time

It's been a little longer than normal from my last post.  I have been going through many different emotions in these past couple weeks.  But one that is the elephant in the room for me is precious time.  What is time?  Well the dictionary says it is a limited period or interval.  But what does time mean to you?  I am going to tell you what it means to me.

Have any of you heard the new Nickelback song "What Are You Waiting For"?  If you haven't, it is a must hear.  You see music plays a major role in my everyday life and it is my way of hearing what I need to hear from Dustin or Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost.  It always has been and feels as if it is even more so now than ever.  The lyrics to that song speak to me.  They tell me what I feel Dustin would be telling me.  To stop sitting in this "waiting room" and move forward.  I am going to write out the majority of the song lyrics for you so you can see what I am talking about.  

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

Are you waiting on a lightening strike?  

Are you waiting for the perfect night?

Are you waiting 'till the time is right? 

What are you waiting for?

Don't you wanna learn to deal with fear?

Don't you wanna take the wheel and steer?

Don't you wait another minute here?

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

You gotta go and reach for the top

Believe in every dream that you got

You're only living once so tell me

What are you waiting for?

You know you gotta give it your all

And don't you be afraid if you fall

You're only living once so tell me

What are you waiting for?

Are you waiting for the right excuse?

Are you waiting for a sign to choose?

While you're waiting it's the time you loose.

What are you waiting for?

You know you gotta give it your all

And don't you be afraid if you fall

You're only living once so tell me

What are you waiting for?

Tell me what you're waiting for

Show me what you're aiming for

What you gonna save it for?

So what you really waiting for?

Everybody's gonna make mistakes

But everybody's got a choice to make

Everybody needs a leap of faith

When are you taking yours?

What are you waiting for?

When I heard this song and read the lyrics I could almost hear him talking to me, telling me to take that leap of faith I've been so afraid to take, for good reason. 

Before this song came out, time to me was just the passing of everyday.  I couldn't rewind it so I had to live in it.  The sun would come up, I'd fill my day with a lot of crap and then the sun would go down.  I wanted each day to hurry up and be done so I could go to bed, wake up and hurry through the next day and continue this the the remainder of my earthly days so that I could be with him again.  But what I was doing was letting each and every day pass and not have a lick of meaning to me other that it was closer to my day to be called home.  Kinda depressing huh?  Yup.  But what I wasn't doing was facing my fear, moving forward.  This song from Nickelback helped me put into perspective how poorly I was managing my time.  I wasn't making each moment count and that is what I need to do the most.  Our kids don't deserve a mom who is cranky all the time because all she wants is to die so she can be with her love again.  They deserve a mom who is happy and wants to show them life, how to live it to its fullest and enjoy every last moment we have.  I don't deserve to be miserable.  I don't deserve to sit and be so lonely for the rest of my life.  I am so full of life and love, why do I need to waste my days being so miserable?  Why do I need to be so cranky with our wonderfully crazy kids?  That's exactly what he is telling me in this song.  I don't.  I don't need to be miserable.  I can still grieve for loosing him, but I don't need to wait around anymore, afraid to move forward.  I need to have an open mind and an open heart for what comes my way.  I need to stare fear right in the face and not let it stop me anymore.  I need to stop waiting for the right time to move forward.  If I sit around and wait for that, I might never get the chance to experience life, love and happiness again.  So from this point on, I will not let fear stand in my way.  I will face my fear of moving forward and tell it to go shove itself up a very high post and stop getting in my way.  Nothing is going to stop me from feeling happy again, nothing is going to stop me from possibly loving again, nothing is going to stop me from living my life to the fullest and enjoying every minute of it.  Because in the end all we have is time and it is not meant to be passed with misery.