My heart ache started before I even knew Dustin was dead. Like I wrote in my last post, I knew something was wrong before the military told me and that is when my heartache started. When you love someone as much as we loved each other, you worry about them. You worry about their well being, you care so deeply for them it's as if you are inside them feeling the same pains they do. So when I wasn't hearing from him I started to worry. I started to have heart aches for him and his well being. Well, we all know what happened next and that is when my heart literally experienced a heart break. It was no longer a heart ache. My heart literally broke. Ok, maybe not literally, but you all know what I mean. I was never going to get to talk to him again. I was never going to get to hug him, kiss him, feel as if we were one or see him alive. Those feelings my friends are the worst ones in the entire world. To know that his last "I love you" really was the last time I'd hear that (or read it) was a stab in the heart. To listen to those words from his CO and the Chaplin stabbed my heart. For the next 2 weeks my heart would be stabbed a gazillion more times. And I thought that would be the end of it. But it wasn't. For the next 6 months my heart was stabbed and has continued to be stabbed as each item from Korea arrived and had to be inventoried, as each special date has come and gone, as I've found out certain things that sometimes I wish I could erase from my memory. But somehow I have managed to stay strong, steadfast and full of courage. I've managed to stand unwavering through all of this. I've managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and say, "Ok Bri, let's do this!" Why? Because of him. Because I know he wouldn't want me to be a depressed mother of 4 young, vibrant children who need their mommy to lead and guide them and help them in their grieving process too. I know he wouldn't want me to dwell on the past and be negative about it, nor be so depressed. So I continue to live my life for him. I continue to stay positive so that I can learn to be happy again and heal my broken heart. Like Dusty always said, this life is about living so live it to its fullest! Never say you can't, never stop believing in yourself, never let go. So that is what I'm doing. I might not have him here with me anymore, but he is still right by my side, helping me every step of the way. My heart will always have a missing piece but that missing piece never really is missing, he's just waiting for me on the other side. He's looking down on me watching every thing I do and thinking to himself, "Damn, I married one hell of a woman!" Which is why Heavenly Father chose me to be put through this trial. He knew that I could make it. That I could weather this storm, unwavering, steadfast and full of courage and strength. So remember my dear friends. Life is fragile, but it is the only life you get to live. Live it to its fullest and do so in the most positive way you know how. Don't go to bed angry, don't forget to say I love you before you walk out that door, don't hold grudges for too long. You never know when it is going to be your last earthly kiss, your last earthly I love you or your last earthly moment with them. Live, laugh and love my friends. You wont regret it.
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