Reverence, is that possible?

Have you ever been in a situation that your ADHD kiddo is expected to be quiet, stay still and peaceful?

I’m sure we’ve all been in that situation. Whether it be at a doctors office, a funeral, church, a school performance, a play, family functions, military functions, other types of appts, etc. It is something that can’t be avoided, so how the heck do we get them to cooperate?! 

For the longest time I avoided those types situations. It was too overwhelming to try and control my kids in a circumstance that forced them to be controlled. I still do avoid them, depending on how I am feeling or what the circumstance/situation is. But I’ve also taught my kids certain words that mean it’s time to be quiet, still and peaceful. I’ve also taught them things to do to quietly to keep their minds going without making much, if any, noise. 

It started when they were about 18 months old. I’d teach them the word reverence/reverent. It’s a big word that is used commonly at our church, so it could be a familiar word that was also universal for me. Then once they hit kindergarten I start making them be responsible for their own bag to fill with things to help keep them quiet. I’ve taught them from a young age that seek and find books (and where’s Waldo, I spy), coloring books, fidgets (we have many), reading books and “quiet” toys can be put in the bag. I stay away from anything that could possibly make too much noise and electronics. Up until kindergarten I have supplied all of these things in “mommy’s bag” and they have to ask for permission to use anything in the bag. I still have this bag for spur of the moment times, but I feel teaching responsibility at a young age is SUPER important. 

All of this has paid off for me, too. Now that my kids are 10, 8, 7 and 5, I am able to sit through our church service and not have to really worry about my kids being irreverent. I don’t have to get on them much about being reverent and I know that they know what is expected of them when I say, it’s time to be reverent. Now, none of this would’ve happened without incredibly hard work and consistency on my part. But being consistent and doing what I didn’t want to do when it needed to be done has made this possible. And it can for you too. 

Parenthood is hard. If it’s not hard, you’re probably not doing as good of a job as you could be doing. Like my mom always told me, I’m not here to be tour best friend, I’m here to be your mom. But by her establishing that boundary, she is one of my greatest friends. This can happen with you and your kid(s), too, if you put in the hard work and determination it takes to raise good kids. 

If you want to know what I use for my kids, I’d be happy to share with you. But, you have to remember each child, their individual needs and likes/dislikes are totally different. And you’ll only find out by trying things, communicating with them about those things and by asking if they feel it’s helping them. 

How life is Now, 5 1/2 Years Later.

As many of you know, I have four kids with ADHD.  Two of them have severe ADHD, so severe it is considered a disability for them because it impacts their daily life so much.  This is the main reason I have been so absent on this blog.  Life stopped, for me, worrying about how to move forward as a widow and focused more on how to help my kids be the best version of themselves they could be.  So moving forward, I will be writing more about how life has changed dramatically for us, living and learning with ADHD.  But, I still feel it is part of my adventure as a widowed AMMO wife.  Being an AMMO wife is where my foundation started and is what has given me a lot of the strength to keep on keeping on.  So, without further adieu, here is my first post about how life has changed for us as a family full of ADHD. . .

Tonight I am going to talk about our journey into diagnosis and why medication became my saving grace.

It all started when my oldest was in the womb.  She was incredibly active from the time I could feel her moving inside my belly.  So active that I would loose a lot of sleep because of the fast and constant movements.  Once she was born, she never stopped.  Nothing would console her as a baby, not longer than 2 seconds anyway.  As she continued to grow I continued to notice that something was not quite right.  I felt she had WAY too much energy for a child of that age.  But doctors assured me I was a first time mom and just didn't know what to expect.  Which I partially took offense to.  I mean no one knows their child better than their mom.  But, whatever.  So we continued being the best parents we could and found out baby number two was rapidly coming, whether we were ready or not.  He came super fast and kind of early.  Being a preemie, he had lots of health issues.  He also had a lot of other issues that raised many red flags for me, but once again I was told that he was my first boy and boys are different than girls, so not to worry.  Fast forward 18 months and baby number three arrived and I was drowning as a mom.  My two and a half year old had the energy of a million energizer bunnies and my 1 1/2 year old had just a bit more energy.  I fought with doctor after doctor to get help for them because my mommy instincts were telling me that something was different, something was not right and they needed help.  But just as the previous doctors had told me, I was basically crazy.  Time continued on, we found out baby number four was coming and I was fit to be tied.  What was I doing to myself?  How could I possibly be mom to four kids, three of which I knew for sure had something going on.  Seven months pregnant with baby number four and my husband died.  Now what was I to do?!  Well, becoming a civilian real fast was probably the best thing that ever happened to me for my kids.  We were not dealing with military doctors anymore.  I finally was able to catch a break and get a doctor to listen to me about my kids.

My son was the first to be diagnosed.  He was diagnosed with an alphabet of disorders.  GAD, SPD, ASD, ADHD-C.  Oh. My. Word.  But I FINALLY had answers to all of his issues.  I had a direction to go and a light at the end of the tunnel!  At first, I was totally against medication for him as well.  I wanted to try natural remedies and therapy to help him.  But then he started preschool.  Things were now expected of him that hadn't been expected before.  The teacher could not control him and it almost was a disaster, until I changed my mind about medication.  Which was the best decision I ever made.  He was five at the time and his life changed for the better, too.  It has been a huge trial and error process with medication for him and now that he is almost nine, we have a combination of medications that work.  He is a successful member of society and school and no one can even tell that he has ADHD-C, ASD, GAD or SPD.  Miracle.

He helped pave the way for his older sister.  Now that I had my toughest kid under control, I could start to focus on the rest.  My oldest was right behind him in getting diagnosis and being put on medication.  She was diagnosed with ADHD-C and GAD at 6 and started meds immediately.  She is 10 now and we are still working on finding the right combination of medications for her.  But, what many don't understand, is that medicating for ADHD is a work in progress.  All. The. Time.  Especially for girls because they have hormonal changes that affect the way the medication works for them.  Finding the right psychiatrist and not getting discouraged is the best way to tackle medicating for ADHD.  As well as having the patience of a saint, or two, or three.

A few things to keep in mind while getting diagnosis and trying out medications:

• Don't get discouraged, you and your child are doing the best with what you have
• They are just as uncomfortable, or more uncomfortable, as you are trying to parent/live with ADHD 
• Trial and error will become your best friend and you will have more successful trials and errors as time goes on
• YOU GOT THIS!!!  
• You are not going to figure it all out at once, and that's ok.  Slow and steady wins the race :)

I hope this is able to help someone out there!  And feel free to comment with any questions, send me a personal message or email!  I want to help as best as I can so others don't have to feel alone in life as parents to kids with ADHD!

5 Years

Wow.  5 years.  I have made it to the point I never thought was possible.

I was talking with my sister the other night about this and I told her something I have never told anyone before.  After I had moved off base and into my home I spent many nights thinking I would never make it without Dustin.  I would never be able to raise these kids on my own, let alone handle everything life throws at you on a daily basis.  I really used to think that becoming a widow would kill me because the pain was so deep inside of me.  I honestly never thought I would live to see this day come.  Yet, here I am.  Standing tall, moving forward, and living life to its fullest.

Over the past month or so I have been doing a lot of thinking in my quiet moments about how far I truly have come.  For some reason with this being the fifth angelversary, my brain has been able to digest what it remembers from those first minutes, hours and days.  In those first minutes, it took everything I had to just breath.  In those first hours it was all I could do to just sit through the briefings I had with Casualty Affairs to go over how my life was changing.  In those first days all I did was think to myself, make it to lunch and then make it to bed time.  Wake up and repeat.  By dong that in those first several months, it got me through the darkest days and nights I have ever experienced.  Sometimes merely surviving is all we can do and we need to remember, that's ok.

What many people do not understand is that loosing your spouse turns your entire world upside down and inside out.  You do not know which way is up or which way is down.  You can't tell which is right and which is left.  You forget how to walk.  You forget how to talk.  You forget how you showered before or how you ate your favorite food.  You live in this alternate reality of wondering what your spouse would think of this or that and how they would feel about this or that.  Yet, you are constantly reminded that by thinking that way you keep your wound so open and fresh and painful.  So, you build a wall to keep those feelings out.  You set boundaries with your own mind and heart so you can keep living here without them.  When you set these boundaries you notice that small and silly things don't seem to matter anymore.  But big and deep things cripple you.  You have a hard time making small talk with others because those small and silly things don't matter.  You find that as time passes, your true tribe shines through.  You realize you have lost some people in the process but gained others.  You realize this new found tribe is just that.  Your tribe.  They help and encourage you.  They love you for you and not for who you were before and after your spouse died.  They love your kids so deeply too and help and encourage them.  You also start to realize as time passes that you are starting to become you again.  Not the you you were before, when your spouse was alive.  But the you you have had to become after they died.  You realize that there is no need to make others happy because the only happiness that matters, is yours.

I woke up this morning feeling completely rested.  Last night was the first night of the eve of this dreadful day that I was actually able to sleep.  And this morning was the first time on this dreadful day that I did not wake up in a panic.  My brain has been able to heal from all of these emotions I have felt in the past 5 years and it shows.  This doesn't mean that I still don't have more healing to do.  I know there will always be healing to complete along this journey.  But I can finally say, I have done hard things and I have done them well.  I have been able to climb the hardest and tallest mountain in my life thus far and make it to the top.  I have made it to the day I never thought I would see. . .

Realization

So I know its been over a year since I've written my last post.  And there is good reason for that.  In this past year I have done a lot of growing, learning and realizing many things.  This was the first year since Dustin's died that I actually felt like I could stand.  It's the first year I've felt "normal."  Whatever that is.

One of my realizations as of late is, who am I ?  With holidays coming, people have been asking me, what do YOU want for Christmas?  How are YOU doing?  What can I/we do for YOU?  And these things are things I've been asked several times before, but it wasn't until this year that I realized it is for just, me.  Since before graduating high school it was always Bri and Dusty or Dusty and Bri.  I found who I was as an adult, with him by my side.  He made me a better mother, a better wife, a better sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece and friend.  When I lost him, I lost everything I was.  And in this past year I have been working on finding ME again.  It hasn't been my most favorite thing to do, in fact it has been one of the most painful things I've ever had to do.  But its been worth it and very necessary.

Tonight I was watching my guilty pleasure show, Teen Mom OG, and one of the cast members is going to be going through a small separation from her husband.  She was talking with her producer and was saying how its always been her AND her husband since they were in Jr. High.  It's never been just her or just him and her husband felt as though it was important for them to take some time apart and work on just themselves and she, apprehensively, agreed.  As I watched that tonight it confirmed to me how important it is for me to find myself and that it's ok to do that.  Because I've always felt like its still Bri and Dusty.  Which still is true, but he isn't here on earth anymore to be part of that.

It's funny to me how I look for confirmation in things around me now that I don't have Dustin to help with that.  Which I guess is part of finding me again.  It's not something I enjoy doing and its pretty difficult to do, but like I've said before, its worth it.  I hope to be able to write more as I continue to find myself and share more of my realizations with all of you.  Just know if I don't, its because I'm working really hard on myself and don't have a way of vocalizing whats going on inside that brain of mine :)

 

Setting my Soul on Fire!

So in the past 3 1/2 years I have learned a lot about who I am as an individual, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend and a widow.  Today as I was scrolling through Instagram, like I do far more often than I'd like to admit, I stumbled across a quote.  No idea who said it, but it was on one of the widow pages I follow.  The quote read, "Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire."  Wow.  Did that not make a light bulb go off in my brain or what?!

When Dustin first died, I thought it was my job to continue to do the things he loved and was so passionate about.  I thought if I didn't I wouldn't be able to keep his legacy going.  So I did my best to do that.  Take the kids fishing, camping, quad riding, ingrain in their brains that we are Broncos fans and going on adventures where ever our gas tank could take us.  I quickly realized how incredibly painful that was.  Dustin was a VERY passionate person.  Like, almost obsessively passionate.  So to do these things without him was really hard for me.  Not only did I have so many small kids in tow, but he wasn't there to show how important this was to him, why he loved it so much and to teach the kids about it all.  That role now landed on me.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love to do all of those same things.  But I had other passions than he did and so I wasn't as knowledgeable as he was and didn't share the same exact love he did for them.  It also just flat out hurt me deep inside knowing he was never going to be able to do this with them, ever.  So I battled back and forth with this for a long time.  Should I just suck it up and suffer inside for the kids?  Or should I do similar things that I am more passionate about and really enjoy the time with the kids?

That question continued in my head for what seemed like forever.  So for a while, I just didn't do anything.  It was too hard with everything going on with the kids and having so many that still needed my help for 95% of their day.  But a few months ago I had a thought cross my mind.  That thought was, Brianna, go back to your roots.  Go back to what you love to do, Dustin loves you and wants you to enjoy this life.  So go back to what you knew before he came into your life.  Go back to your roots.  I sat there after hearing that thought and went, how?  How can I do that?  So I did what I know best and I prayed.  I prayed to Heavenly Father to help me find a way to make that happen, to find a way to remember what my roots are and to start to pursue them again.  As time passed and I continued to pray and try to work something out to get back to my roots, a perfect plan fell into place.  And I honestly couldn't have asked for a better plan to fall into place!

While my life is still incredibly hard day in and day out, I'm finally seeing glimpses of happiness come back.  I'm finally starting to feel whole again!  And the best part is, I feel comfort knowing that even though I might not be carrying his legacy on in those specific ways, I am able to carry it on in the best way for me and my kids.  Which is by setting my soul on fire to show them how life really can be lived to the fullest, just like their dad did every day.

M.I.A.

It's been a while since I've written.  A LLLOOOOOOOONNGGGGG while to be exact.  I guess it could be longer, but here I am, feeling the need to finally write again.  The start of year three was, as every start to a new year is, scary and new.  I knew my grief had changed.  I knew my kids' grief had changed.  What I didn't know was the challenges it would bring.

For the first time in my entire life, I can honestly say that I've actually, really struggled with getting out of bed every morning.  They say that in the first stages of grief that is completely normal.  Well, I must have missed that part of that stage, because it was easy for me to keep going then.  Now?  It's a completely different story.  But life has also drastically changed since then.  I look back on that time and honestly wish I could go back, compared to what I am dealing with now.  

Every morning, around 5a, I hear the stomps of little feet and loud screams and yells of children who are up and ready to start their day.  But, because of their change in grief, if I don't meet them out by a certain time, they start to panic that I have died or that I have disappeared.  So if I try to catch a few more zzz's or I pray a little longer so that I can try to have more patience, I am quickly bombarded with terrified children who have now started their day in complete panic mode.  What a way to start the day, huh?!  Once a day is started in panic mode, its hard to shift out of it.  So I am then dealing with multiple children who have panic attacks several times throughout the day and into the night.  On days we don't start in panic, we start in sensory overload.  Which also involves a lot of screaming and crying.  Almost identical to panic attacks, but worse because it deals with the sensory systems and there are certain things you can't control with that.  All of these things happen before 8a, or earlier.  

Now, while these panic attacks and sensory meltdowns are happening, those who are not directly affected by them are getting into trouble.  And I'm not talking easy mess to clean up.  I'm talking those crazy messes that you see on social media that the parents have recorded and gone viral for.  Only difference for me is that I usually don't have the time to record what has been done.  So I go from helping kids with panic attacks and sensory meltdowns (which is a CRAZY emotional roller coaster as a parent) to finding a HUGE mess(es) that I'm not even sure how to clean up!  All of which is usually happening before 10a-11a.  

I then have to figure out how to feed four of the PICKIEST eaters I've ever known, lunch.  How in the world do you do that after the type of morning I've just had?!  Extreme picky eaters are no joke and will literally starve before they will eat what you fixed.  And what you fixed could be what they asked for, but its too brown, or too cold, or too hot, or was cooked differently, etc.  So now you are stuck with kids who refuse to eat and are whining and complaining that they are starving and are then blaming you for making them starve.  SO SUPER FUN, RIGHT?!?!?!

By noon everyday, I've reached my patience limit.  But, there are still S E V E N hours until bed time.  We try to have quiet time, which is successful most of the time.  Unless Speedy Gonzales finishes all of their books to read, puzzles to do, pattern play to work on and coloring pages to color.  Then I have the million questions of what can I do now?  Can I . . . Over and over again until the youngest wakes up from her nap, crankier than before, because she didn't get to nap as long as she needed.  By then its only 1:30p-2p.  Now there are four hours to fill and zero patience to fill them with.  Somehow, and with the help of my grandma, brother and his girlfriend and my mom, I can make it through dinner time and make sure everyone is fed.  Dealing with the same extreme picky eating challenges I face at lunch.

Then it is finally bath and bed time.  Oh what a glorious time of day!!  Well, it should be right?  Not for me.  Bath time brings more sensory challenges with different kids than from the morning routine.  I usually end up soaked with soap everywhere and so does the bathroom.  As well as any animal that decided to join in on the "bathroom fun."  We then come to bed time and I am faced with kids who either can't fall asleep because they are terrified I am going to leave them or if I step foot outside that I will die, or who can fall asleep fast but not stay asleep because of night terrors.

We also have days filled with appointments.  These appointments aren't just any regular old appointment either.  They are specialist appointments because we aren't the "healthiest" family on the block.  So we spend a majority of our time in the car.  Going here there and everywhere.  Let's just say that you know you have a lot of appointments because when school's in, the registrar at your kids' school knows you on a first name/personal basis, knows your kids in the same way as well as what teacher they have, what room number they're in and knows if they are absent/tardy to just mark them as excused without having to call and clarify because you always come with Dr.'s notes.

Within these crazy, busy, highly emotionally, challenging days there still needs to be time carved out for light, I'm talking seriously light, housework.  Scratch that, I'm talking the necessities to keep our house and clothes clean!!  Let alone saving time for my brain to slow down long enough to actually sleep and let my mind and body recover from everything that happened that day!!

So this is why I have been M.I.A.  for the past 4 months.  And I don't write all of this for sympathy, I write all of this so if I have ignored you, haven't been super talkative, have had R.B.F. (in full force) or have hid away in my house, you understand why.  It's not easy being a truly single mother.  Let alone all of the medical issues and conditions we do have with their new grief mixed into that.  Just know that I am M.I.A. for good reasons . . . I am helping my kids navigate their new challenges that come from deep within themselves.  Some of which we are learning to control and some of which we just flat out can't control and are learning to cope with.  

   

My New Season of Grief

So I am now a month in to year three of loosing Dustin.  YEAR THREE!!  How has it been three years already?!  It feels like an eternity to me, but it also feels like it was yesterday.  I guess that's grief's way of putting it into perspective for me.  I've noticed something about my grief though and I don't think a lot of people know or understand where grief has taken me.

Year one was rough. 

      So many firsts.

      So much to wrap my brain around.

      So much to figure out.

      So much self-induced pressure to make life as perfect as it can be.

Year two was even harder!

     So much feeling and emotions surfaced.

     So many second firsts that actually could be remembered and felt.

     So much guilt for trying to hold on to a life that wasn't living anymore.

     So many unfamiliar situations that I had to face "alone."

But where has all of this, and much more, brought me?  It has brought me to where I am today.  It has made me who I am today because I didn't let any of it stop me.  

After my first year of being a widow, I went to a Widow's Conference.  In that conference I learned a very important lesson.  I was taught that it is OK to be sad, mad, frustrated and discouraged, but its not OK to stay there.  It is OK to give myself time limits to feel those negative emotions, but its not OK to unpack and stay in those emotions all the time.

Starting year three, I realized that a lot of people thought I would still be so incredibly sad that Dustin died.  But I am here to tell you that I am not nearly as sad as I used to be.  And it is because of what I learned at that Widow's Conference.  Life doesn't just stop when you loose your spouse.  So you are forced to make a choice.  To unpack and live in that horrible pity party, or to let yourself feel your emotions, work through them and let them go.  

My new season of grief involves random grief triggers that you didn't know existed.  It involves explaining again to my kids what happened to their dad, why it happened, when they will see him again and it not affecting me so badly that I'm paralyzed for the rest of the day.  It involves figuring out how to keep him alive in the appropriate way for my kids.  It involves figuring out how to be a single parent in the best way I can be, doing the best I can with what I have and being OK with that.  It involves being the only voice for myself and my kids.  It involves so much more than what meets the eye because its just become a part of who I am.  

I am grief.  

Grief is me.  

But it doesn't stop me like it used to.  It doesn't paralyze me like it used to.  It doesn't fog my brain as badly as it used to.  It is my new season of grief and I am excited to see what I can do with it!!     

My Intricately Calloused Heart

As I sit here on the eve of what should be my 8th wedding anniversary, I can't help but notice everything I'm not feeling anymore.  There has been so much to feel in the past 2 years and 10 months that I've lost all of the feeling in my heart. 

Several years ago, Dustin and I always made this night a special night.  It was our thing.  Our tradition to start celebrating our anniversary.  We didn't have hardly any money so we wanted to make sure we made our anniversary as special as possible and let it last as long as possible.  We'd reminisce through our wedding pictures, joke about the things that went wrong, bask in our love for each other and eventually fall asleep next to each other.  It was a special night for us and we looked forward to it every year.  

The January before Dustin left for Korea, we FINALLY got to celebrate our anniversary by actually going out.  My amazing sister gave us a paid in full, including the babysitter, date night for our Christmas present.  We immediately knew we wanted to save it for celebrating our 5th anniversary.  Perfect one to finally be able to celebrate!!  5 years!!  We had made it to 5 years of marriage, had 3 healthy kids with a fourth on the way, several moves and apartments, a base house, several cars and too many animals to count.  But we had survived it all!  The good, the bad and the ugly.  That night is one I will never forget!  It was the most perfect night we could've ever asked for.  Little did I know that would be the very last anniversary I'd be celebrating with him alive, though.

After I lost Dustin, I didn't know how to celebrate our anniversary anymore.  How do you celebrate something so meaningful when the person you want to celebrate with is no longer alive?!  I decided I'd keep up our traditions that first anniversary and just write it in my journal.  I quickly realized that was too painful.  The next year I decided to celebrate it with our kids.  Good idea in theory, right?  They could care less right now because of their ages.  Which I get.  But now that brings me to tonight. 

Numb.

Emotionless.

Detached.

How?  How did I end up here?  Let me tell you.  In grief there is so much physical pain that you start to not feel anymore.  Things just seem to not even register on the rector scale of pain because you've gone so long feeling deep, immense pain in every second of every day.  You know the ones you see in the hospitals where they have the faces and ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10?  Yeah, this pain is so deep, no number could equate to it.  So, you start to form this big, rough callous over your heart to try and help save it from breaking into more pieces than it already has.  

Now this pain sits there, getting deeper and deeper as the days pass without your person.  It is a pain that is nonstop.  It racks your spirit, mind and body.  All day, everyday.  And as you experience more life, this callous you've formed on your heart gets rougher in different spots because it has to.  If it doesn't, you're afraid that you'll feel too much and then your mind will take you back to that day, those weeks and months right after they died.  And then you have this wave of emotions come over you that you can't control.  You don't know how long they will remain either, so out of fear, you work so hard to build that callous bigger and in a new spot.  One you honestly didn't think would matter, but it does.  It matters so much you'd rather be numb to it than feel any of it at all.  Which is why I am numb, emotionless and detached tonight.  I have had almost 3 years now of many life events I didn't think would matter.  But they did and I needed to make my intricate callous.    

Will this ever go away?  Maybe one day.  When I'm so old that I've experienced all that life has to offer me.  But for now, this is how I live my life.  One intricately placed callous at a time.  And I still have a lot of life to live, so I suspect my callous to be the most beautifully intricate calloused heart you ever did see.         

Pulling Weeds

Well, well, well.  2016 is coming to an end.  Where in the world did the year go?!  I'm still baffled as to where 2015 went.  Really don't remember much from that year.  And I feel like now that 2016 is ending, I'm finally beginning.    

Yesterday I decided to go out back with my kiddos.  To watch them play and enjoy the beautiful weather. As I was basking in the beauty of it all I noticed TONS of weeds.  We've had lots of rain here lately and when there is lots of rain, there are lots of weeds.  So I decided I was going to pull them so that our backyard could be beautiful once again.

As I started pulling the weeds I found some interesting things.  The first thing I found were some worms.  I picked some up to show the kids and they all squealed and ran away.  Then I found a dead lizard that was completely intact and then I found multiple dead lizards, but half eaten.  So a half eaten lizard graveyard, probably started by good ol'Tipps, our cat.  Well finding those things didn't stop me.  I discarded them and kept pulling away.  Then I realized something!  I had the Aha! moment I'd been looking for all year!

Pulling these weeds and finding all of this nastiness amongst them is just like life!!

You're probable asking, What the F       !!!  But let me explain.

Weeds are unpleasant, worms are gross and dead lizards, whole or half eaten, are disgusting.  But, yesterday I made the choice to take all of those unpleasant, gross and disgusting things out of my backyard because I wanted to keep it beautiful!!  I could've just as well left them there and stopped at the first set of weeds, worm or dead lizard.  I was determined though.  I was determined to make my backyard pretty again.

Are you following?

You see, I made the choice to deal with all of the nastiness so that I could make my backyard beautiful.  Just like in my life, I am given the choices to choose whether or not I want to take out the stressful, nasty and disheartening things that stand in my way.  I have the free agency to make my life what I want it to be.  

Now, will it happen by pulling only one weed?  No-sir-y!!  It will happen by pulling all of the weeds, at my own pace, as I see fit.  And there will be things like worms and dead lizards along the way to make pulling those weeds a little harder?  Yes, of course!!  But if I keep at it, discarding those things, I will make my life just what I want it to be!    

The FINE Line

So recently I've noticed that I seem to have some pet peeves that I never had before Dustin died.  But, in all reality, I didn't need to have them because I wasn't a widow yet.  Tonight I am going to do my best at explaining one of my biggest pet peeves since starting this widow journey.

Back when I was first widowed life was a blur.  I honestly don't even remember giving birth to TessieAnn I was in such a fog.  But as that fog faded and I started to realize my world was totally different, I started noticing how different things really bugged me.  We all have our pet peeves and they differ from person to person as well as severity.  Some things are easily brushed off where as others really hit home and aren't as easy to shake.  This pet peeve of mine isn't as easy to shake . . .

As a widowed mother to four kids, I have a village that is helping me raise them.  Those that are in my village have come to know us post loss and accept us for who we are now.  Whether they be family or friends, they know and love us for who we are.  As a widowed mother to four kids, I also have an outside circle of family and friends who aren't as close to us (no offense intended) that still know and love us for who we are but don't quite understand where we are now.  Which is where my pet peeve comes in.

I don't think any harm is intended when this pet peeve occurs.  But, it is something I feel that needs to be talked about.  So here it goes.

My biggest pet peeve is when people start talking about Dustin's death in a negative connotation, asking me what he would've thought in a current situation and just harping on the fact that he isn't here anymore to experience his life.

BOOM.  I said it.  Now the question is why?  Why do I let these things bother me?

Well my friends, grief work is no easy task.  It takes A LOT of mental, physical and spiritual meditation to get through all of the emotions felt after loosing your spouse and is a constant work in progress.  So when someone talks negatively about your spouse dying (like he shouldn't have died that way, he shouldn't have died that young, he shouldn't have gone to Korea etc), asks what I think Dustin would be feeling, thinking or doing in a certain situation or harps on the fact that his life was cut short and that he is missing out on all of these wonderful things with his kids and me, it sets me back several steps because it puts me back to some of the beginning stages of my grief and all of my own emotions that surrounded all of those very true statements.  It's a very fine line yet a very thick fine line.

Is it sad that Dustin died the way he did?  Yes.  Is it sad that Dustin died at only 24 years of age?  Yes.  Is is sad that he was alone, in Korea when he died?  Yes.  Is it sad that he is missing out on our entire lives here on earth?  Yes.  Do I know what he would think, feel or be doing with current events of our lives?  Nope, not a clue.  I have an idea, but people grow and learn as life goes on and it has been just over 2 1/2 years since he's been gone.  A lot has changed since then and I can honestly say that I don't know what he would be doing, thinking or feeling.

Once you loose your spouse, your whole world changes.  Your whole perspective of life changes.  Your whole thought process as a parent changes.  The way you look at yourself changes.  All of which are a part of life and growing and progressing.  So to be reminded of such a dark time in your life in such a negative way, is just a killer.  I'm a firm believer that the past is the past and you can either live, learn and progress from it, or you can lie in it, linger and stay put.  I don't know about you, but I prefer to live, learn and progress.

Life WithOUT You

Earlier today all I kept thinking was, I really wish Dustin was here.  I need him in the worlds worst way.  I need his help.  I need his comforting words.  I need him to be here for our kids.  I need him for me.  You see, I am facing a new round of grief.  One I'm becoming familiar with as the days turn into months and the months turn into years.  One I'm learning to live with.

One thing a lot of people feel and think is that there is a time limit on grief.  Well, apparently these people have never lost someone so close and significant to them because they are full of shit.  When you loose someone so close to you, like I wrote in my previous post, there is this void that can never be filled.  You have to learn how to live with this void and that is no easy task.

Lately I have been greatly struggling to stay afloat.  At least that's how I feel.  When you don't have another adult in the home, who knows how your household runs and knows your kids, knows you, you get lost in your own thoughts very quickly and easily.  And these thoughts can be a wide array of things.  So not having another voice of reason with you is hard.  Flat out hard.  So as today progressed, my thoughts also progressed.

I can't do this.  I'm always 10 steps behind.  Why can't I finish laundry?  What new way can I display the routine chart so everyone can see it and complete the items in a timely manner?  How am I going to teach them to do this?  How am I going to accomplish that?  Etc, etc.  All of these thoughts and more run rabid in my brain and I don't have "my person" here with me anymore that can help calm them.  So they run and run and run until I have a panic attack and crash.  Which is what happened today.

I got to bath time and thought to myself, How great would it be to have my relief pitcher come home right now?  I'd feel so much more secure, calm and at peace and my crashing panic attack would disappear in a moments notice.  But, then that haunting thought came into my mind again, he won't ever come back home.  He won't ever be my relief pitcher again.  And that my friends, is a rough thing to continue to realize.

When you finally don't have the widow fog anymore and are able to really start thinking again, you realize that life must go on.  Life needs to start where you are.  Not where you left off.  If you start where you left off, you'll be stuck forever.  Trying to wrap your brain around the whole situation.  So, like I've written before, you start a whole new routine.  A whole new life learning to live without them.

For me, I've had to figure out how to live without daily relief.  Dustin was so good at being my teammate.  We worked in our home as a team so we could spend more time together.  I've had to set boundaries for myself so that I can stay positive.  Like putting positive and uplifting quotes next to old pictures of us so I can feel as if he's telling me those things, so I keep going.  I've had to make myself do other things so that I'm not sitting here on the couch watching mindless TV to numb everything that happened throughout my day.  Recently I've taken to reading books.  Lots of books.  I've had to do so much soul searching that I feel so mentally exhausted and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of a day.  It's been hard learning to be accountable for myself when I was so used to being accountable with him.

I know I say it all the time, but this, learning to live without him, has been the hardest trial I've had to face yet.  Loosing him was the easy part.  Well, sort of.  But learning to go on in this life without him has felt almost impossible lately.  It is a momentary battle I face all day, every day.  And most days, I really don't like it.  But I keep persevering because I know the more faithful I am, the more diligent I am and the more I show that I accept God's plan for me, the better my reunion with him will be.  I will continue to learn to live without him so that when the time has come, I can be with him for all of eternity :)

Void with Security

So last night I was laying in bed scrolling through Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest.  Like I always do.  Every night.  And that's when it hit me.  I am filling a void.  I am trying to fill the emptiness my soul feels.  Every.  Single.  Minute.  Of every.  Single.  Day.

Why?  Why am I torturing myself with this every night?  And MULTIPLE times during the day?  Because I feel empty.  I feel a major void in my heart, mind and soul and I'm trying to fill it.

So, why did it take me 2 1/2 years to finally realize that I am trying to fill a void?  Because the whole first year is a complete shock, the second year is figuring out how to live life again and the start of your brain regaining its ground.  As more time passes, it comes back even more and you're able to think about things on a deeper level.  And when that light bulb went off last night, I actually saw it for what it is.  For what it has been since he died in March of 2014.

A very dear friend of mine tagged me in a music video on Facebook last week and the song resonated with me more than anything ever has.  The song is called "Jealous of the Angels."  Its about a loved one being taken too soon and the grief that follows the shock of hearing that news, how there is another angel around the throne that night and being jealous of the angels around that throne.  I have not cried that hard, probably since the day he died.  But it's because I've been trying to fill that void instead of facing it.

Sometimes when you loose someone so close to you, who meant so much to you and was so much a part of your life, a part of you, it's hard to face the fact that they really truly are gone and that you have to go on living without them.  That you have to go on raising your kids without them while also trying to keep their spirit alive for them.  How can that be done when you feel so empty?  How can you do this when you feel a HUGE void in your heart?  How can you do this when your heart literally cringes when you look at pictures of them?  Or think of memories with them in it?  It's an answer I'm still diligently searching for and doing my best with in the mean time.

One thing I do know is that the more their name is spoken, the more memories are talked about and the more you are forced to look at pictures, the easier it becomes.  The hurt is still there.  And it is there very deep.  But it becomes lighter in the sense of security.  You still have those memories of them.  You still hear their name.  You still see the happiness in those captured memories on film.  The void will always be there and trying to fill it with nonsense only makes it deeper.  You aren't tackling that void.  You aren't filling it with the right objects.  I'm working on finding those right objects.  I know a few really good ones.  It's a matter of making them the priority and making them the security to my void so that I can build a bridge above it.

I will never overcome this void.  It is not something that can be overcome.  I will make this void a sense of security, though.  I will build that bridge and make it the strongest bridge anyone has ever seen.  It will be my void with security.  

Clarity in my Storm

It has been W A Y too long since my last post.  But there has been a lot going on in my world, my storm.

In high school I had a quote that I loved.  To this day it is still one of my favorite quotes.  It reads, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I never thought this quote would ring so true for me.

Back when my big storm started, there were other little storms circulating around me.  As time passed, some of these storms became a little bigger and others stayed small.  For a while, I didn't want to dance in them.  I didn't want to face them alone.  Until one day I realized that if I didn't do something, these storms were going to explode on me.  So, I told myself that if I could survive the worst day of my life, these other issues couldn't be any worse.

With that, off I went into the brunt of them, taking them head on.

The biggest storm was with my son.  I knew something wasn't adding up right.  He was having melt down after meltdown.  All day.  Every day.  He wasn't able to perform tasks that his younger sisters were starting to perform.  So, I started asking questions to Dr.'s.  Some didn't believe me and told me I needed to let hi grieve more.  Others told me I needed to be a better parent.  Others told me it was a phase and that he'd grow out of it.  But I knew, deep down, something just wasn't right.  We went to another pediatrician and my concerns were finally heard.  We then started our journey with a developmental pediatrician.

This is where a small ray of sunshine peeked through my storm.  She gave us a name, a reason and a diagnosis for him.  She gave us a direction to go.  A path to take.

This path had many specialty doctors to see.  A cardiologist, neurologist, psychologist, phlebotomist and an occupational therapist.  As time continued to pass and we were seeing these doctors and receiving more results, life continued to get harder with him.  Every day was an even harder challenge than the one before.  More issues arose and I kept having gut feelings about what I thought was going on with him.  I kept hoping some one, some where down this road would see exactly what I saw.  And then finally some one did.

During his appointments and my appointments with the Psychologist, the truth came out.  He and I completed detailed testing and he was diagnosed with high functioning autism spectrum disorder, ADHD combined as well as anxiety.  F I N A L L Y some one saw what I saw.  Some one tested him with a very detailed test and found all of the areas and more that he struggles and yet is so incredibly bright in.

That storm finally gained clarity!  I finally felt like I could dance in that rain!!

Now all the while this was going on, I had another, smaller storm surrounding me.  My sweet middle daughter was constantly sick with strep throat.  She was choking on her tonsils day and night.  She wasn't able to breath out her poor little nose.  We spent countless days at the doctor and even the ER.  Her pediatrician referred her to an ENT and they decided that her tonsils and adenoids needed to be removed.

Well, low and behold, her surgery was happening the same week my sons detailed testing was finishing up.  What a whirlwind for this momma!  These two storms collided and I didn't know how I was going to muster through them.  And then I remembered, they both were ending in clarity and were giving me the chance to dance right smack dab in the middle of both of them.

It hasn't been easy doing this without Dustin.  But, having survived loosing him, these storms are so insignificant to me and seem so easy to dance through.  I am ever so grateful to finally have the clarity I needed to push forward and to continue to be the best mom I can be for these kids.

I will forever be reminding myself, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain."

The "New Normal"

All along this journey of mine I've heard so many people say to me, "Oh Brianna you will find a new normal and life will go on.  You'll be able to function again."  Um, ok.  I didn't think much would change after Dustin died.  I thought that I could just keep going in life and keep everything the same. Well I was wrong and those who told me that I would find a new normal were right.  Damn it.

So what is a "new normal"?  I'm here to tell you it's not what I thought it would be.  In fact, its very different from what I thought it would be.  And here's why.

Right after Dustin died, well two months after he died, I had Tessie.  So not only was I grieving the loss of my husband and the father to my children but I was also integrating a fourth child into the family.  And I was doing this mostly alone.  I had a lot of help from family with my kids and especially Tessie.  But to be honest, I couldn't start a "new normal" for that entire first year.  I had to grieve.  I had to take care of a newborn, a 4 1/2 yr old, a 3 1/2 yr old and a 1 1/2 yr old.  Which was no easy task!  I passed the year mark, as I like to call it, and I now had a 5 1/2 yr old, a 4 1/2 yr old, a 2 1/2 yr old and an almost 1 yr old.  Things were starting to change.  They were finally starting to fall into place.

You see, that entire first year I did most of my grieving.  Do I still grieve?  Yes, but its not as heavy as it was then.  That first year those grief waves were so incredibly high that I could barely catch my breath.  I don't remember hardly anything from that first year and I'm glad that I don't because it was painful.  But as I pushed through that first year mark and started onto year two I started to wake up and realize a lot of different things.

One of those things was that I am a single mom.  I'm not your traditional single mom who sends her kids to dad every other weekend and for one to two nights a week.  No, I am truly a single mom.  So lots of things had to change for me.  I had to find an inner strength I didn't know existed.  I had to learn how to juggle it all and juggle it all pretty much alone.  You really don't realize how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.  My kids count on me to do so much right now because they are all still so young and are still learning who they are and what they can do.  And let me tell you, it is flat out exhausting trying to do it all alone.  But this is where I found out what my "new normal" is.

My "new normal" consists of a house that isn't perfectly clean and won't be for a long time.  And I'm ok with that.  It consists of missed trash days and over flowing garbage cans because I forgot to take out the can to the street the night before.  It consists of eating breakfast for every meal some days because I just don't have the energy to put into fixing anything else.  It consists of planners everywhere for everything so I can try to remember what I absolutely NEED to do in order for our house to stay running.  It consists of meltdowns from everyone at some point in time.  It consists of cupboards being bare for longer than they should sometimes because I just simply couldn't make it to the store.  It consists of nights spent crying myself to sleep wondering if I can do it all again the next day.  It consists of long awaited time alone to enjoy myself and feeling like I am lost because I've been so focused on making a life for the kids and I.  It consists of asking people for help when I'd rather try to figure it out myself.  It consists of amazing people who bring us dinner, treats, straw pops, flowers, Facebook messages of encouragement and enlightenment etc.  It consists of a love that is deeper than any love can ever be explained.  It consists of children who look up to their mother seeing how she keeps going but breaks down occasionally.  It consists of a knowledge of something that is far beyond my humanly reach.  It consists of faith that is deeper than the deepest routed tree.  It consists of so, so much more.  But this is it.  My "new normal".  And while it is incredibly exhausting, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I have learned so much about myself in finding my "new normal" that I don't even recognize the person I was while Dustin was alive.  And it is invigorating to continue to learn even more about myself and what I really can do.  I hear all the time how much of an example and inspiration I am to others.  Well, I am an example and an inspiration to myself.  I see how far I have come from that horrible day in March.  And I couldn't be happier with the progress I've made.  Making this imperfect life perfect.

Nothing Else Matters

With Mother's Day rapidly approaching, I decided to write about just that.  Being a mother, and what really doesn't matter about being a mother.

Why would I write a post about what doesn't matter about being a mother?

Because an issue of perfectionism has been set forth for us to follow.  Or at least make us feel pressured to follow.  And we then feel VERY judged by other mothers is we aren't able to be that "perfect mother".

For our mother's, Hollywood set the example as to what, how and who a mother should be.  For us, its social media.  Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and probably many more sites I don't know about.  We as a society have become so addicted to scrolling through our newsfeeds and searching for the latest pin, tweet, post and status update that we make that real life.  But let me ask you a question.  When you post on these sites, you *usually* post only your positive stuff or your greatest attempt at something.  Right?  Very seldomly do we post about negativity or a failed craft/project.

So, as we scroll through all of these sites, we see how perfect so-and-so is doing over there.  And how  so-and-so is way better at crafting than we are.  And that so-and-so has a grasp on an organized house.  And how so-and-so does so well about doing things with her kids.  And so-and-so never has disagreements with her husband.  I could go on and on.  As you read/see these things you think to yourself, Well shit, I can't do that or I can't do this!  I'm just not trying hard enough.  I could probably fit that into our day.  Ok, how do I do this or that?  And then you stress over it and feel like a complete failure when you aren't able to accomplish everything you felt you needed to.

Why, why do we do this to ourselves?!  Being a mother is hard work.  From teaching manners to shapes, numbers, letters and colors to potty training to extracurricular activities to cleaning the house to doing laundry to making meals and many many more tasks we complete in a 24hr/7days a week period.  So why put more pressure on ourselves to be the perfect mom and do crafts all the time with our kids?  Or have a perfectly organized house?  Or the perfect relationship with our husbands and kids?  Or bake so our kids have homemade sweets instead of store bought?  So on and so forth.

Why?!?!  Because we feel so very pressured to do so.  Society has made us feel that we NEED to do so.  But the truth is we all have our strengths and weaknesses.  And some areas will be stronger at times while others are weak and vice versa.  What we need to do is embrace that.  Embrace the strengths along with the weaknesses.  None of us are perfect.  Only one person on this earth has been, and that was Jesus Christ.

What I'm trying to tell you, from my experience as a single mom who can't do it all, DON'T try to do it all.  DO do what you can.  You know your strengths and weaknesses.  You also know your kids and your husbands strengths and weaknesses.  Use all of them to your advantage and you will feel as if you are the perfect mother.  No one can be a more perfect mother to your family than you.

Take a moment for yourself and write down every evening what you did wonderfully.  Even if it was just get out of bed to do what needed to be done so no one was a rugrat, thats perfectly fine!  You did it.  You mommed for the day and tomorrow is always a new day to try again.  But don't beat yourself up about those days.  It does more damage then needs to be done.

So always remember, nothing else in this social media world matters!

Routine and Organization

A lot of people lately have been asking me how am I able to be a single parent to four young kids and keep it together so nicely.  But really, I don't keep it together all that nicely.  I am human just like the rest of you.  I have my daily challenges with myself and each one of my kids that throws something off schedule.  And for us, that can mean many, like all four kiddos, having meltdowns because of whatever it might have been.  So really, what is my secret?

I'm here to tell you that I have 4 calendars.  I have my trusty daily planner.  In which I right out our routine.  When each kid goes to school, when each kid comes home from school, what time we eat breakfast, what time we get dressed, brush our hair, brush our teeth, go potty, have snacks and meals, quiet time, bath time and bed time and then appointments when necessary.  I then, after all of that is written out for the month (yes I do some things on a monthly basis), I pull out my handy dandy notebook!!  Wait, sorry, we've been stuck on Blue's Clue's lately.  I pull out my handy dandy smart phone and put reminders in my calendar AND my reminders app (I have an iPhone so its an automatic app) so that it reminds me of when to do these things.  Because like I've said, I'm human and forget things a lot.  I then sit down and do my chore calendar.  It hangs in my kitchen and tells me when I'm supposed to clean my house, do laundry, change my water jugs and have me time.  After I have that all set up, I again go to my trusty smart phone and set reminders for all of those tasks so I actually remember to do them.  Last but not least is my meal calendar.  I plan out every meal we eat.  Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner.  It's all planned out down to how much of a certain item I need at the store for the week.  Not only does this help save money tremendously but it saves me when I have a human moment and forget what I was supposed to make for dinner.

You might be thinking to yourself, holy shit, that's way too much for me to handle.  It would take me FOREVER to do all of that!!  But there is a method to my madness.  I set aside one evening a week or a month to do all of this.  And sometimes its a couple of evenings depending on what kid needed me when or when grief strikes and makes me not want to do anything.  So when I have my phone buzz at me, I feel important and then go and do whatever I have been reminded of and then I feel even more important because I adulted for that moment of time!  And lets face it, adulting can be really hard sometimes.

I usually also sit down each night as I'm drinking my calming juice for the night (it really is juice guys!) and go through what is needed to be done the next day and add any errands I need to run or extra thing I need to do that has been added from the previous day.

My entire routine is ever changing as well.  One thing I always leave room for is adjustment.  If something isn't working after a couple of months, I switch what ever it might be around.  And I do this until I find what works.  You can ask anyone who knows me.  I am always changing things until they work the way I need them to.  Feel free to comment with questions too!  If I can help you get better organized to be the best human you can be, I'm all for it :)

Before and After

So lately I've been having a lot more realizations coming at me.  Not ones I purposely think about.  Not ones I purposely talk about.  Just ones that randomly cross my mind.  One that happened to cross my mind while talking with my dad a couple of weeks ago was my happiness.  My dad and I always have very good, long talks about just me.  How I am doing, what I am doing and what my future plans are.  What I love about these talks is that they never center on what happened to me.  We both know its there and that it always will be, but that is never a topic of conversation unless it is brought up by something else we are talking about.  And the other day, that just so happened to happen.

So as we were talking and he told me that I seem to be really happy right now, I stopped and thought for a few moments in time.  As I thought I remembered how I've been feeling a separation lately.  One between the life I had with Dustin and the one I have now.  They are two totally separate lives.  Completely intertwined but very separate.  And that got me thinking about my happiness and after my mind had those few moments to process what he said and what I had thought about, I told him that I feel the happiest I've ever felt.  But in my after life.

I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life in the several months and year right before Dustin died.  We had done it.  We had finally figured out life.  We knew each other like no one else.  We knew our kids like no one else.  We knew how to handle our life the way it needed to be handled.  We had learned each others love languages and did everything we could to show love in the way each other needed.  We were so incredibly happy and in such a good place.  Spiritually, physically and emotionally.  But then that was ripped away from me in a moment of time.

I didn't know how to handle it.  I didn't know how to put one foot in front of the other.  I didn't know how to go on without him.  And it has taken a lot of trial and error.  A lot of starting completely over with new routines because the old ones hurt too bad to continue.  It has taken lots of time and patience with myself, finding who I am as an individual again.  It has taken much faith and prayer, crying out to my Heavenly Father to just get me through the day so I can cross another one off my calendar.

Through all of this, though, I have been able to handle it.  I have been able to put one foot in front of the other and go on without him.  I have been able to find out who I am and make a life for our kids and I.  And show them that we can live and have fun still.  I have made my after life.  And I have accepted this after life.

I think there are many different parts of acceptance when you loose someone you love.  I think its different for each individual and the relationship you had with the deceased.  I think it's one of the biggest steps in the healing journey as well.  Once you've been able to accept, truly accept, that they are gone and that you have to continue on without them, you find more peace and solace.  You are able to think a little more clearly.  You are able to find your happiness like I have found mine.

Accomplishments

So, here I am again.  Waiting forever in between posts to write new ones.  And there is a reason, actually a few reasons why.  I'll start with the first, most obvious one.  I am a mother, a single mother, to four beautiful children.  They need me more than anything else in this world.  And I need them.  The second reason is that these four beautiful kids have all been having their own, very individual struggles lately.  Some of you follow me on Facebook and have seen the different disorders we have been diagnosed with.  Like PTSD, major anxiety, emotional issues, attachment issues, autism spectrum disorders and some that haven't even been addressed yet because we just haven't found the right answers and avenues yet.  And the last but not least reason is depression.

It's hard being a single mom.  Many of you understand what that's like.  My situation is very different in many ways, but many of you know what it is like to be a single mom.  Being in charge of everything, literally everything is a daunting task.  Hell, I broke down balling the other day because one of my sweet kiddos clogged the toilet for the thousandth time in a few days.  Waking up at 5-5:30a daily to the sound of a child screaming because someone touched him, looked at him wrong, said good morning to him when he didn't want anything said to him is not an easy way to wake up.  Having to get four kiddos ready and out the door by 7:45a when you have anxiety attacks from all of them, multiple times, as the morning routine continues is so stressful.  Getting everyone home from school with continuous arguments about God knows what is exhausting.  Keeping up with the housework, the laundry, the dog poop, the trash taken out, the barrels put on the street, the appts to be made etc. etc.  Is a very tiring thing when you do it day in and day out without the kind of relief you were used to getting.  

I find it ironic that all of this is catching up to me two years later.  I am so busy, so mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted at the end of every day that I haven't had the time to think about the dates coming up.  Until I looked at my phone this morning and that wonderful Facebook memories feature shows up in my newsfeed.  Well damn.  Thank you Facebook for reminding me that its been two years.  Two very long years that my husband left us.  That he left me . . . Ouch . . .

As I sat there this morning, trying to eat my pop tart with screaming, hitting, crying, yelling, whining and punching going on in the background, I silently cried.  My tears, those warm big tears, streamed down my cheeks crashing onto the table as I sat there looking at my phone.  WOW.  But I let myself feel everything.  I let myself look at those fallen tears as a small puddle formed on my table top.  To me I looked at them and saw defeat.  I saw failure.  I saw weakness.  I saw sadness and depression.  But is that really what those tears meant?

According to my best friend, no.  Not one bit.  Since the very start of all of this she has been right by my side.  From the moment they told me, to the moment we laid him to rest, to the moment we marked a year, to this moment now.  As I was texting her this morning and we talked about how I really am doing, she reminded me to think of everything I have accomplished over the past two years.  We both knew the second year was going to be the hardest for me and we both know I have made it through that second year.  But to hear someone tell me to remember what I have accomplished within those two years and to basically stop looking at myself as a "normal mom" was another accomplishment in itself.

I am a very humble person.  I don't see myself as any different than the rest of you.  I am a parent, like most of you, just trying not to screw up my kids and to make sure they have the life that they deserve.  But I am very different.  And so many of you often kindly remind me of that.

After we finished our conversation I sat there.  I started to really think.  What have I accomplished in the past two years??  Well, I really have accomplished a lot.  I sent my husband off on a short tour, 25 weeks pregnant with our 4th child.  I was left to take care of three kids under 5.  I was left to prepare our house for a move across the country.  I learned of my husbands passing at 27 weeks pregnant.  I attended military briefing after military briefing about his death and everything that ensued it.  I tried to celebrate my 25th birthday.  I welcomed home my late husband, my airman the very next day.  I buried him a few days later.  I carried and then gave birth to our 4th baby a week before what should have been his 25th birthday.  I bought a house.  I moved from where we call home back to what used to be home.  I learned how to be a single mom to four kids under 5.  (I am still learning how to be a mom to four kids under 7 now!)  I take care of my vehicles.  I take care of my house.  I take care of our pets and am having one of our dogs trained to be our psychiatric service dog.  I am learning an entirely new vocabulary with all of my kids' diagnosis.  I am learning how to better help them with all of their individual diagnosis.  I am their hero.  I am my hero.

I'm sure there are many accomplishments I have left out because they probably seem normal to me or I have just brushed them off because I don't have someone to talk to every night about them.  But by dammed, I really have accomplished a lot.  And I have learned a lot about myself too.

It's so easy to forget what you've accomplished.  It's so easy to brush things off your back and put it in the back of your mind to save for a later date.  It's so easy to let yourself get down and depressed.  It's so easy and because it is we all tend to do it more often than we should.  But taking the time to remember what you actually accomplished is well worth it.  Just remember in the process that none of us are perfect, none of us have the exact same life and none of us are faced with the same trials.

So let us all remember to remind ourselves of what we have accomplished.  Whether it be every thirty minutes, every hour, every day, every week, every month or every year.  Our accomplishments help right along side our trials to make us who we need to be.  And don't let what you feel as defeat or failure stop you.  Because most likely, it's not any of those . . .



 

Think, Transition, Balance, Repeat

Sorry its been so damn long!  We went through quite a lot since my last post and I was without Internet for a while because of technical difficulties!  But, I'm back :)

So one of the things that we went through was an entire kitchen remodel.  Which had me doing a lot of thinking, transitioning, balancing and repeating.  As my kitchen was under construction, we were still trying to use it.  So as certain parts of it would be under construction, I would have to think, transition some parts to other parts and then let that balance out for a day or so until the next area needed worked on.  So it got me thinking.  How much thinking, transitioning and balancing have I done since my life has changed?

The day that Dustin died my life as I knew it ended.  I didn't really have much time to think about it back then.  I was pregnant, I had kids starting school, I had normal life transitions coming.  So I thought accordingly, transitioned us and did my best to balance all of that out.  Over the past almost two years now I have learned just how and when these transitioning steps are necessary in my life and I have learned in what areas they are necessary as well.

People, places, things, traditions, activities, daily life, future plans.

All of these areas, as well as more I'm sure, have been strategically thought about, slowly transitioned from and balanced out.  I have repeated this process many times with many different categories as well.  It is something that I haven't enjoyed doing because I am essentially transitioning the life I had with Dustin into my past.  But that's what it is.  My past and I am proud of it.  It is what has given me the strength to move on because it gives me hope for the future to be with him again.

The transition from our life together is imperative to make a life for myself.

I can't keep certain things alive from our life because it just doesn't work with my life now.  I can't make dinner alone anymore while the kids are excitedly playing with him.  I can't be doing dishes and picking up while they are all taking baths because he's not here anymore to help tag team the work load.  I can't celebrate holidays as we would have because he's not here to celebrate with.  I can't easily go run errands after he is home and the kids are in bed.  I can't easily take all of them on short day trips like we used to do for family time.  There are so many other things I can't do because he isn't here anymore to be by my side.

But I'm not letting that stop this transition because, like I've said, it is imperative.    

I am currently learning to balance this transition right now.  I am learning what works within my daily routine and what doesn't.  I am learning what works for us to spend family time and what doesn't.  I am learning how to run those errands around schedules and help from others.  I am learning how to celebrate holidays as a single parent family.  I am doing all of this while also reminding our kids about who their daddy was and what he loved and why.  Now, I'm still not perfect with this and I am still working out the kinks.  But I will always be working out the kinks because I will be moving into new ages and stages of life continuously.  That's what life is about.  No matter who you are or where you are in life.  Learning how to think, transition, balance and repeat.

So I am going to challenge all of you to really think about where you are in life.  Make the necessary transitions, try your best to balance those transitions and repeat when necessary!

How Are You Doing?

I get asked this question a lot. More than I want most days, honestly. Sometimes I wish this question wasn't such a good conversation starter! When I'm asked this question it can always go one of two ways. The first way is that I'm horrible, completely miserable and way super lonely. Which just so happens to be the honest to goodness, deep down truth. The second way is that I'm fantastic, happy as a lark and enjoying my peaceful times! Which just so happens to be my cover up so no one feels bad for asking me. 

So which way makes you feel more comfortable?

The second way definitely makes me feel more comfortable. Which is why I answer that question 99.9% of the time that way. But I haven't always answered the question that way. I used to answer it the first way. Why put up a front when honesty is the best policy? Well, I started slipping into a horrible, negative downward spiral because I truly believed I would always be that way. 

These negative spirals are so easy to get caught and stuck in. It's way easier to tell myself that I can't do it. I can't be the mom these kids need. I can't clean my house. I can't lift that weight for back squats. I can't eat healthy. I can't, I can't, I can't. I quickly realized that living this way was not doing me any favors. I was practicing what I was preaching to myself and everything around me crumbled. And I kept letting it. Until one day I realized I had to stop.

 But how? How could I stop this negative spiral from continuing? 

Right around when I realized this, the LDS church had their General Woman's Broadcast. I kept getting that whisper in my head, "Brianna, you need to go. Brianna, you can't miss this one. Brianna, you need to hear the words that will be spoken at this conference." These words kept eating away at me. How was I going to be able to go? I needed a sitter for all of my kids and most of my go to sitters would be going as well. Then it dawned on me, I have family! Luckily Dustin's mom was available and jumped up like it was nothing to come watch them so I could go. As I sat in that chapel, listening to the words from the speakers, I knew why I needed to be there. All of the talks were amazing and just what I needed to hear. But the very last speaker, President Uchtdorf, spoke more than a thousand words to me. 

He used a parable, just as Jesus did in the old days, to get his point across. In his parable there was a little girl who was to go live with her great aunt while her mother recovered from surgery over the summer. This great aunt had never married, never had any kids and had always been alone. Except for a pet cat. This girl was very nervous and apprehensive to go live with her great aunt. But what she didn't realize was that her great aunt was a wonderful, happy and fun woman! She had many friends and people that loved her. But why? She was completely alone. Life didn't go as it should have. This little girls great aunt explained to her that many years ago, she realized life wasn't going the way it should have and so she decided she was going to make the best of her life and be as happy as she could be with what she had. 

Um, WOW. What a strong woman! She found happiness during a time in her life when she could've chosen to stay so miserable! Well holy tollitos batman! That's me! Life definitely did not go as planned in my book. So, where do I go from here?

How can I make my life happy?

Folks, I'm here to tell you it starts with me. Like Kenny Cheney sings in his song, Never Wanted Nothing More, "I'm what I am, I'm what I'm not. I'm sure happy with what I've got. I live to love and laugh a lot, and that's all I need." Well shit Sherlock! I need to live this! Love this and own this! I am still working on it though. It is not an easy task to be ok with who you are after such a great loss. Putting those puzzle pieces back together is hard when there will always be a missing piece. But by finding the positive in everything I do on a daily basis, I am starting to see how life really is going how it should! At last I see the light! And it's like the fog has lifted! And at last I see the light! And it's like the sky is new! And it's warm and real and bright, and the world has somehow shifted! Oh wait, sorry, not watching Tangled or anything right now . . . 

What I'm saying is that I no longer hate the question, How are you doing? I'm sure some days I still will hate this question. It's inevitable, but 99.9% of the time, I can now answer with my second answer and actually believe it and own it. It is a good way to keep me in check. Make sure I am still doing my best at making my life happy with what I've got. And my friends, that's all I need :) 

So, how are YOU doing?