So recently I've noticed that I seem to have some pet peeves that I never had before Dustin died. But, in all reality, I didn't need to have them because I wasn't a widow yet. Tonight I am going to do my best at explaining one of my biggest pet peeves since starting this widow journey.
Back when I was first widowed life was a blur. I honestly don't even remember giving birth to TessieAnn I was in such a fog. But as that fog faded and I started to realize my world was totally different, I started noticing how different things really bugged me. We all have our pet peeves and they differ from person to person as well as severity. Some things are easily brushed off where as others really hit home and aren't as easy to shake. This pet peeve of mine isn't as easy to shake . . .
As a widowed mother to four kids, I have a village that is helping me raise them. Those that are in my village have come to know us post loss and accept us for who we are now. Whether they be family or friends, they know and love us for who we are. As a widowed mother to four kids, I also have an outside circle of family and friends who aren't as close to us (no offense intended) that still know and love us for who we are but don't quite understand where we are now. Which is where my pet peeve comes in.
I don't think any harm is intended when this pet peeve occurs. But, it is something I feel that needs to be talked about. So here it goes.
My biggest pet peeve is when people start talking about Dustin's death in a negative connotation, asking me what he would've thought in a current situation and just harping on the fact that he isn't here anymore to experience his life.
BOOM. I said it. Now the question is why? Why do I let these things bother me?
Well my friends, grief work is no easy task. It takes A LOT of mental, physical and spiritual meditation to get through all of the emotions felt after loosing your spouse and is a constant work in progress. So when someone talks negatively about your spouse dying (like he shouldn't have died that way, he shouldn't have died that young, he shouldn't have gone to Korea etc), asks what I think Dustin would be feeling, thinking or doing in a certain situation or harps on the fact that his life was cut short and that he is missing out on all of these wonderful things with his kids and me, it sets me back several steps because it puts me back to some of the beginning stages of my grief and all of my own emotions that surrounded all of those very true statements. It's a very fine line yet a very thick fine line.
Is it sad that Dustin died the way he did? Yes. Is it sad that Dustin died at only 24 years of age? Yes. Is is sad that he was alone, in Korea when he died? Yes. Is it sad that he is missing out on our entire lives here on earth? Yes. Do I know what he would think, feel or be doing with current events of our lives? Nope, not a clue. I have an idea, but people grow and learn as life goes on and it has been just over 2 1/2 years since he's been gone. A lot has changed since then and I can honestly say that I don't know what he would be doing, thinking or feeling.
Once you loose your spouse, your whole world changes. Your whole perspective of life changes. Your whole thought process as a parent changes. The way you look at yourself changes. All of which are a part of life and growing and progressing. So to be reminded of such a dark time in your life in such a negative way, is just a killer. I'm a firm believer that the past is the past and you can either live, learn and progress from it, or you can lie in it, linger and stay put. I don't know about you, but I prefer to live, learn and progress.
No comments:
Post a Comment