Void with Security

So last night I was laying in bed scrolling through Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest.  Like I always do.  Every night.  And that's when it hit me.  I am filling a void.  I am trying to fill the emptiness my soul feels.  Every.  Single.  Minute.  Of every.  Single.  Day.

Why?  Why am I torturing myself with this every night?  And MULTIPLE times during the day?  Because I feel empty.  I feel a major void in my heart, mind and soul and I'm trying to fill it.

So, why did it take me 2 1/2 years to finally realize that I am trying to fill a void?  Because the whole first year is a complete shock, the second year is figuring out how to live life again and the start of your brain regaining its ground.  As more time passes, it comes back even more and you're able to think about things on a deeper level.  And when that light bulb went off last night, I actually saw it for what it is.  For what it has been since he died in March of 2014.

A very dear friend of mine tagged me in a music video on Facebook last week and the song resonated with me more than anything ever has.  The song is called "Jealous of the Angels."  Its about a loved one being taken too soon and the grief that follows the shock of hearing that news, how there is another angel around the throne that night and being jealous of the angels around that throne.  I have not cried that hard, probably since the day he died.  But it's because I've been trying to fill that void instead of facing it.

Sometimes when you loose someone so close to you, who meant so much to you and was so much a part of your life, a part of you, it's hard to face the fact that they really truly are gone and that you have to go on living without them.  That you have to go on raising your kids without them while also trying to keep their spirit alive for them.  How can that be done when you feel so empty?  How can you do this when you feel a HUGE void in your heart?  How can you do this when your heart literally cringes when you look at pictures of them?  Or think of memories with them in it?  It's an answer I'm still diligently searching for and doing my best with in the mean time.

One thing I do know is that the more their name is spoken, the more memories are talked about and the more you are forced to look at pictures, the easier it becomes.  The hurt is still there.  And it is there very deep.  But it becomes lighter in the sense of security.  You still have those memories of them.  You still hear their name.  You still see the happiness in those captured memories on film.  The void will always be there and trying to fill it with nonsense only makes it deeper.  You aren't tackling that void.  You aren't filling it with the right objects.  I'm working on finding those right objects.  I know a few really good ones.  It's a matter of making them the priority and making them the security to my void so that I can build a bridge above it.

I will never overcome this void.  It is not something that can be overcome.  I will make this void a sense of security, though.  I will build that bridge and make it the strongest bridge anyone has ever seen.  It will be my void with security.