All along this journey of mine I've heard so many people say to me, "Oh Brianna you will find a new normal and life will go on. You'll be able to function again." Um, ok. I didn't think much would change after Dustin died. I thought that I could just keep going in life and keep everything the same. Well I was wrong and those who told me that I would find a new normal were right. Damn it.
So what is a "new normal"? I'm here to tell you it's not what I thought it would be. In fact, its very different from what I thought it would be. And here's why.
Right after Dustin died, well two months after he died, I had Tessie. So not only was I grieving the loss of my husband and the father to my children but I was also integrating a fourth child into the family. And I was doing this mostly alone. I had a lot of help from family with my kids and especially Tessie. But to be honest, I couldn't start a "new normal" for that entire first year. I had to grieve. I had to take care of a newborn, a 4 1/2 yr old, a 3 1/2 yr old and a 1 1/2 yr old. Which was no easy task! I passed the year mark, as I like to call it, and I now had a 5 1/2 yr old, a 4 1/2 yr old, a 2 1/2 yr old and an almost 1 yr old. Things were starting to change. They were finally starting to fall into place.
You see, that entire first year I did most of my grieving. Do I still grieve? Yes, but its not as heavy as it was then. That first year those grief waves were so incredibly high that I could barely catch my breath. I don't remember hardly anything from that first year and I'm glad that I don't because it was painful. But as I pushed through that first year mark and started onto year two I started to wake up and realize a lot of different things.
One of those things was that I am a single mom. I'm not your traditional single mom who sends her kids to dad every other weekend and for one to two nights a week. No, I am truly a single mom. So lots of things had to change for me. I had to find an inner strength I didn't know existed. I had to learn how to juggle it all and juggle it all pretty much alone. You really don't realize how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. My kids count on me to do so much right now because they are all still so young and are still learning who they are and what they can do. And let me tell you, it is flat out exhausting trying to do it all alone. But this is where I found out what my "new normal" is.
My "new normal" consists of a house that isn't perfectly clean and won't be for a long time. And I'm ok with that. It consists of missed trash days and over flowing garbage cans because I forgot to take out the can to the street the night before. It consists of eating breakfast for every meal some days because I just don't have the energy to put into fixing anything else. It consists of planners everywhere for everything so I can try to remember what I absolutely NEED to do in order for our house to stay running. It consists of meltdowns from everyone at some point in time. It consists of cupboards being bare for longer than they should sometimes because I just simply couldn't make it to the store. It consists of nights spent crying myself to sleep wondering if I can do it all again the next day. It consists of long awaited time alone to enjoy myself and feeling like I am lost because I've been so focused on making a life for the kids and I. It consists of asking people for help when I'd rather try to figure it out myself. It consists of amazing people who bring us dinner, treats, straw pops, flowers, Facebook messages of encouragement and enlightenment etc. It consists of a love that is deeper than any love can ever be explained. It consists of children who look up to their mother seeing how she keeps going but breaks down occasionally. It consists of a knowledge of something that is far beyond my humanly reach. It consists of faith that is deeper than the deepest routed tree. It consists of so, so much more. But this is it. My "new normal". And while it is incredibly exhausting, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I have learned so much about myself in finding my "new normal" that I don't even recognize the person I was while Dustin was alive. And it is invigorating to continue to learn even more about myself and what I really can do. I hear all the time how much of an example and inspiration I am to others. Well, I am an example and an inspiration to myself. I see how far I have come from that horrible day in March. And I couldn't be happier with the progress I've made. Making this imperfect life perfect.
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