Accomplishments

So, here I am again.  Waiting forever in between posts to write new ones.  And there is a reason, actually a few reasons why.  I'll start with the first, most obvious one.  I am a mother, a single mother, to four beautiful children.  They need me more than anything else in this world.  And I need them.  The second reason is that these four beautiful kids have all been having their own, very individual struggles lately.  Some of you follow me on Facebook and have seen the different disorders we have been diagnosed with.  Like PTSD, major anxiety, emotional issues, attachment issues, autism spectrum disorders and some that haven't even been addressed yet because we just haven't found the right answers and avenues yet.  And the last but not least reason is depression.

It's hard being a single mom.  Many of you understand what that's like.  My situation is very different in many ways, but many of you know what it is like to be a single mom.  Being in charge of everything, literally everything is a daunting task.  Hell, I broke down balling the other day because one of my sweet kiddos clogged the toilet for the thousandth time in a few days.  Waking up at 5-5:30a daily to the sound of a child screaming because someone touched him, looked at him wrong, said good morning to him when he didn't want anything said to him is not an easy way to wake up.  Having to get four kiddos ready and out the door by 7:45a when you have anxiety attacks from all of them, multiple times, as the morning routine continues is so stressful.  Getting everyone home from school with continuous arguments about God knows what is exhausting.  Keeping up with the housework, the laundry, the dog poop, the trash taken out, the barrels put on the street, the appts to be made etc. etc.  Is a very tiring thing when you do it day in and day out without the kind of relief you were used to getting.  

I find it ironic that all of this is catching up to me two years later.  I am so busy, so mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted at the end of every day that I haven't had the time to think about the dates coming up.  Until I looked at my phone this morning and that wonderful Facebook memories feature shows up in my newsfeed.  Well damn.  Thank you Facebook for reminding me that its been two years.  Two very long years that my husband left us.  That he left me . . . Ouch . . .

As I sat there this morning, trying to eat my pop tart with screaming, hitting, crying, yelling, whining and punching going on in the background, I silently cried.  My tears, those warm big tears, streamed down my cheeks crashing onto the table as I sat there looking at my phone.  WOW.  But I let myself feel everything.  I let myself look at those fallen tears as a small puddle formed on my table top.  To me I looked at them and saw defeat.  I saw failure.  I saw weakness.  I saw sadness and depression.  But is that really what those tears meant?

According to my best friend, no.  Not one bit.  Since the very start of all of this she has been right by my side.  From the moment they told me, to the moment we laid him to rest, to the moment we marked a year, to this moment now.  As I was texting her this morning and we talked about how I really am doing, she reminded me to think of everything I have accomplished over the past two years.  We both knew the second year was going to be the hardest for me and we both know I have made it through that second year.  But to hear someone tell me to remember what I have accomplished within those two years and to basically stop looking at myself as a "normal mom" was another accomplishment in itself.

I am a very humble person.  I don't see myself as any different than the rest of you.  I am a parent, like most of you, just trying not to screw up my kids and to make sure they have the life that they deserve.  But I am very different.  And so many of you often kindly remind me of that.

After we finished our conversation I sat there.  I started to really think.  What have I accomplished in the past two years??  Well, I really have accomplished a lot.  I sent my husband off on a short tour, 25 weeks pregnant with our 4th child.  I was left to take care of three kids under 5.  I was left to prepare our house for a move across the country.  I learned of my husbands passing at 27 weeks pregnant.  I attended military briefing after military briefing about his death and everything that ensued it.  I tried to celebrate my 25th birthday.  I welcomed home my late husband, my airman the very next day.  I buried him a few days later.  I carried and then gave birth to our 4th baby a week before what should have been his 25th birthday.  I bought a house.  I moved from where we call home back to what used to be home.  I learned how to be a single mom to four kids under 5.  (I am still learning how to be a mom to four kids under 7 now!)  I take care of my vehicles.  I take care of my house.  I take care of our pets and am having one of our dogs trained to be our psychiatric service dog.  I am learning an entirely new vocabulary with all of my kids' diagnosis.  I am learning how to better help them with all of their individual diagnosis.  I am their hero.  I am my hero.

I'm sure there are many accomplishments I have left out because they probably seem normal to me or I have just brushed them off because I don't have someone to talk to every night about them.  But by dammed, I really have accomplished a lot.  And I have learned a lot about myself too.

It's so easy to forget what you've accomplished.  It's so easy to brush things off your back and put it in the back of your mind to save for a later date.  It's so easy to let yourself get down and depressed.  It's so easy and because it is we all tend to do it more often than we should.  But taking the time to remember what you actually accomplished is well worth it.  Just remember in the process that none of us are perfect, none of us have the exact same life and none of us are faced with the same trials.

So let us all remember to remind ourselves of what we have accomplished.  Whether it be every thirty minutes, every hour, every day, every week, every month or every year.  Our accomplishments help right along side our trials to make us who we need to be.  And don't let what you feel as defeat or failure stop you.  Because most likely, it's not any of those . . .