M.I.A.

It's been a while since I've written.  A LLLOOOOOOOONNGGGGG while to be exact.  I guess it could be longer, but here I am, feeling the need to finally write again.  The start of year three was, as every start to a new year is, scary and new.  I knew my grief had changed.  I knew my kids' grief had changed.  What I didn't know was the challenges it would bring.

For the first time in my entire life, I can honestly say that I've actually, really struggled with getting out of bed every morning.  They say that in the first stages of grief that is completely normal.  Well, I must have missed that part of that stage, because it was easy for me to keep going then.  Now?  It's a completely different story.  But life has also drastically changed since then.  I look back on that time and honestly wish I could go back, compared to what I am dealing with now.  

Every morning, around 5a, I hear the stomps of little feet and loud screams and yells of children who are up and ready to start their day.  But, because of their change in grief, if I don't meet them out by a certain time, they start to panic that I have died or that I have disappeared.  So if I try to catch a few more zzz's or I pray a little longer so that I can try to have more patience, I am quickly bombarded with terrified children who have now started their day in complete panic mode.  What a way to start the day, huh?!  Once a day is started in panic mode, its hard to shift out of it.  So I am then dealing with multiple children who have panic attacks several times throughout the day and into the night.  On days we don't start in panic, we start in sensory overload.  Which also involves a lot of screaming and crying.  Almost identical to panic attacks, but worse because it deals with the sensory systems and there are certain things you can't control with that.  All of these things happen before 8a, or earlier.  

Now, while these panic attacks and sensory meltdowns are happening, those who are not directly affected by them are getting into trouble.  And I'm not talking easy mess to clean up.  I'm talking those crazy messes that you see on social media that the parents have recorded and gone viral for.  Only difference for me is that I usually don't have the time to record what has been done.  So I go from helping kids with panic attacks and sensory meltdowns (which is a CRAZY emotional roller coaster as a parent) to finding a HUGE mess(es) that I'm not even sure how to clean up!  All of which is usually happening before 10a-11a.  

I then have to figure out how to feed four of the PICKIEST eaters I've ever known, lunch.  How in the world do you do that after the type of morning I've just had?!  Extreme picky eaters are no joke and will literally starve before they will eat what you fixed.  And what you fixed could be what they asked for, but its too brown, or too cold, or too hot, or was cooked differently, etc.  So now you are stuck with kids who refuse to eat and are whining and complaining that they are starving and are then blaming you for making them starve.  SO SUPER FUN, RIGHT?!?!?!

By noon everyday, I've reached my patience limit.  But, there are still S E V E N hours until bed time.  We try to have quiet time, which is successful most of the time.  Unless Speedy Gonzales finishes all of their books to read, puzzles to do, pattern play to work on and coloring pages to color.  Then I have the million questions of what can I do now?  Can I . . . Over and over again until the youngest wakes up from her nap, crankier than before, because she didn't get to nap as long as she needed.  By then its only 1:30p-2p.  Now there are four hours to fill and zero patience to fill them with.  Somehow, and with the help of my grandma, brother and his girlfriend and my mom, I can make it through dinner time and make sure everyone is fed.  Dealing with the same extreme picky eating challenges I face at lunch.

Then it is finally bath and bed time.  Oh what a glorious time of day!!  Well, it should be right?  Not for me.  Bath time brings more sensory challenges with different kids than from the morning routine.  I usually end up soaked with soap everywhere and so does the bathroom.  As well as any animal that decided to join in on the "bathroom fun."  We then come to bed time and I am faced with kids who either can't fall asleep because they are terrified I am going to leave them or if I step foot outside that I will die, or who can fall asleep fast but not stay asleep because of night terrors.

We also have days filled with appointments.  These appointments aren't just any regular old appointment either.  They are specialist appointments because we aren't the "healthiest" family on the block.  So we spend a majority of our time in the car.  Going here there and everywhere.  Let's just say that you know you have a lot of appointments because when school's in, the registrar at your kids' school knows you on a first name/personal basis, knows your kids in the same way as well as what teacher they have, what room number they're in and knows if they are absent/tardy to just mark them as excused without having to call and clarify because you always come with Dr.'s notes.

Within these crazy, busy, highly emotionally, challenging days there still needs to be time carved out for light, I'm talking seriously light, housework.  Scratch that, I'm talking the necessities to keep our house and clothes clean!!  Let alone saving time for my brain to slow down long enough to actually sleep and let my mind and body recover from everything that happened that day!!

So this is why I have been M.I.A.  for the past 4 months.  And I don't write all of this for sympathy, I write all of this so if I have ignored you, haven't been super talkative, have had R.B.F. (in full force) or have hid away in my house, you understand why.  It's not easy being a truly single mother.  Let alone all of the medical issues and conditions we do have with their new grief mixed into that.  Just know that I am M.I.A. for good reasons . . . I am helping my kids navigate their new challenges that come from deep within themselves.  Some of which we are learning to control and some of which we just flat out can't control and are learning to cope with.