Difficult Road, Beautiful Destination

So the other day I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, as I do WAY too often, but hey, I'm super lonely!!  Anyway, I came across a few quotes that really hit me hard and deep.  One of those quotes said, "Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations."(Toby Mac)  It really got me thinking.  Do difficult roads really lead you to beautiful destinations?  So I sat there for a while, totally in my own little world, really pondering how I felt about this.  And then I remembered a very difficult road I recently traveled with one of my best friends.  We were camping and decided to go to a lake that has a pretty difficult road.  Super bumpy, full of pot holes and washboarded from the elements.  But it takes you to a beautiful lake that has wonderful fishing.  If you keep traveling on this road, that becomes even more difficult, it leads you to even more beautiful forest and lakes that are not seen by many people.  We had never taken that road further so we didn't know how difficult it was actually going to be.  Which ended up being even more difficult that the road we had just traveled.  But after traveling it, we found out that it was well worth it!  So I started to think even more about my own personal situation.  I am traveling a road less traveled.  Just like the road my friend and I traveled.  My road has a lot of deep pot holes, is super bumpy and washboarded like crazy.  It has it's smooth spots, but most of it is not easy to navigate.  Do I know if my difficult road is worth it?  No, not really.  But if it is anything like that road my friend and I took and it ends up leading me to a beautiful life, I am more than willing to travel my difficult road.

 

The other quote I found is from my most favorite member of the First Presidency of the LDS church.  The quote reads, "Sandwiched between their Once Upon a Time and their Happily Ever After, they all had to experience great adversity." -Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  This quote is very much like the first one.  But it got me thinking on an entirely different level yet again.  I had a "Happily Ever After" which was fulfilled when I married Dustin, had our four kids and got sealed in the temple as a family.  We then continued our "Happily Ever After" which did not come easy.  We went through some very trying times but those trying times are what continued to create our "Happily Ever After."  I never knew that my "Happily Ever After" would be destroyed in the blink of an eye and become a "Once Upon a Time," though.  But wait, was it really destroyed?  No, it wasn't.  I still have that.  I am sealed to Dustin and our kids.  I will be with him again some day and he will still complete my "Happily Ever After."  But I will be able to have a man one day that will help me create an even better "Happily Ever After."  So, mine didn't end when Dustin died, I gained another chance to add to my "Happily Ever After!"  I know without a shadow of a doubt that Dustin loves me deeply and I love him deeply too.  But I get another chance at love!  I get another chance to welcome another man into my crazy life who loves me for me, loves my kids for who they are and who understands our "baggage" and still chooses to be there for us.  What greater love is there than that?  That love is a choice and is even deeper because of what all we will have been through.  It will become a love story that will astound so many people.  But it definitely won't happen without adversity.  But that adversity will continue to add great strength to my "Happily Ever After."  Pres. Uchtdorf's quote doesn't mean what it might mean to you.  I have an actual "Once Upon a Time" and a new yet continuing "Happily Ever After."  All in which is not going to be easy, but all of it will be worth it.  And the difficult road that I will travel will lead me to the most beautiful destination I've ever seen.

Going the Distance

Boy have I been up to a lot since I last wrote!  I learned so much at a Widow's conference I went to in April and have really been working on myself since then. The other day I saw a quote on my Pinterest feed that jumped out to me and really made me think.  The quote said, "Honor the space between no longer and not yet." (Nancy Levin)  As I write today I am going to explain where I have now come from rock bottom.  And how much my thought process plays into this. 

To start, I had become addicted to Facebook.  I thought that if I filled my time with needless things, I would just stay numb and eventually everything would just work out.  Boy was I wrong!!  Everything around me started to suffer.  My relationship with my kids, the house, other relationships with family members, etc.  Throughout all of this there was good though.  As I'd scroll through my news feed I'd notice how depressed most of the widow groups posts would sound.  And that made me so sad.  I mean ya, the worst possible thing that could have happened to us Widows happened, but why do we all need to be so sad all the time?  Why do we need to be so depressed and sulk in our horrible pity parties?!  So I started to really change my outlook on my situation.  I realized that I didn't want to be like these other widows.  So sad and depressed all the time.  I realized that my mindset had to change and it needed to change NOW! 

So, I started trying to create a new life for me and the kids.  With new weekly traditions mixed in with our old ones.  I started to do things for me and not think about how I wish Dustin could be here for all of it.  I started to let go of what was and embrace what will be.  I began to build up a wall around the life I had with Dustin, tucking it deeper into my soul so that I could let my new life in.  Now this really wasn't an easy task.  Distancing myself from the life I loved so much and the one I want back so badly hurt beyond explanation.  It continues to hurt as each day passes but it doesn't hurt as much as it did the day before.  But I knew that if I wanted to find love, joy and pure happiness again, I'd have to do this.  And by doing this doesn't mean that I will stop loving Dustin and the life we built together, because I will always love that life and wish it back.  But it does mean that I can find love, joy and happiness again.  I can live the life that I know Dustin wants for me and our kids.  I can finally be ok with the fact that I will have new love again and that the kids will have a step dad some day.  And knowing this will happen makes me feel so happy!!  It makes me love the life I am living and I feel like I'm living the life I love.  

I still do struggle from time to time though.  And I will always have my struggles as well as the kids.  But being able to have a more positive out look on the life I was given makes the entire difference in the world.  And being able to accept this life for what it is, not what it was or what it will be, makes a huge difference as well.  Living in the now and not wondering or worrying about what is to come, which takes practice and patience, but it is beyond worth it.  I have learned to honor the space between no longer and not yet and I am going the distance to make my life what I want it to be!  

Breakthrough

Wow!  It has been WAY too long since I've last written!!  But, there is a major reason for that.  The last time I wrote was on the first Angelversary.  Which I thought I did fairly well on!  I was happy, at peace and felt so very strong.  And then that day ended and I felt like my "new" life really had to begin.  Why did I feel that now??  I mean it had been a year of me having to adjust to my new life, but why did it all of a sudden feel like it HAD to start now?  Well my friends, that is what I am going to tell you about tonight.  I don't talk much about the ugly side of this grief.  It saddens me.  It angers me.  It gives me more anxiety than I know how to handle.  But, tonight you are going to read about some of it first hand.  So sit back, relax and enjoy my ride!

So on the morning of April 1, a year after we buried him, I thought to myself, Ok Bri, you got this!  You've made it a year now and have obviously been successful.  All of the kids are alive, you are alive and no one has been severely hurt.  You are doing pretty damn good!!  And then just like that, BAM!  It hit me.  I had made it a year without him.  I had made it to the point of when he was supposed to be home and we were supposed to be at our new duty station establishing the next chapter in our lives.  I had mentally made it past the point in my mind I prepared myself for before he left to Korea.  Now what?  I'm no longer a military wife.  I am a military widow.  How does one make a mindset for that?  That's not something they tell you about at the Basic Military Training family briefing.  That's not something anyone can help you prepare for.  So now what?  I am used to TDY's, short tours and possible deployments.  But for the rest of this earthly life?  Hell no.  Hell NO!  HELL NO!!

In that moment is when I fell.  I fell so hard and so fast I was passed the drowning point.  I was past the point of  no return.  I had finally hit my lowest point in this journey so far.  I literally didn't want to move.  I didn't want to eat.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  I didn't want to take care of my kids.  I wanted to have the biggest pity party and wallow in it.  I put myself on auto pilot and just did the necessary tasks everyday.  I cried.  A lot.  I sobbed.  All the time.  I detached myself from everyone and everything I possibly could.  I let myself be this way for about a week or two.  Rarely showering.  Hardly eating.  Not cleaning my house at all.  Letting the laundry literally pile up so much we lived out of laundry baskets and I didn't know what was clean and what was dirty anymore.  I made sure the kids were taken care of but the rest suffered greatly.

As I let myself feel all of these horrible emotions and feelings I also started to grow closer to my Savior.  I knew that he was the ONLY one who understood everything I was feeling.  So after my two weeks of wallowing in self pity I fell to my knees and prayed, hard.  I prayed for more strength than I ever have before.  I prayed for the ability to persevere.  I prayed for the knowledge and patience I needed to raise these kids alone.  I prayed for myself to be able to find a mindset to make it through the rest of my earthly years without the love of my life.  I prayed just to pray and let him know I loved Him and trusted ever so fervently in His plan for me.  And slowly but surely I started coming out of that HORRIBLE depression.  I started feeling stronger, started having more patience with my kids, started feeling a new mindset come into place.  I knew that he was listening to me and was answering my prayers.  I knew that He knew all of the struggles I was facing as a young widowed mother to four young kids.  I knew that He knew the challenges I was having with finding who I was without Dustin.  And He wanted to be there to help me but was waiting for me to ask for His help in my own time.

Once I was able to really listen, see and feel all of His signs of love is when I had my breakthrough moment.  I knew that I have a purpose left on this earth to fulfill and He needed me to get up and start pressing on to fulfill it.  As the days have continued since then, I still pray all day long.  It's as if I have a constant prayer going in my heart at all times.  I still struggle.  I will always have that struggle.  But the struggle has been made easier to push through with the help from my Savior.  I have been able to make leaps and bounds forward in the past month and I am so happy I have.  It doesn't mean that I still won't fall flat again at another point in this journey.  But I know I have Him there right by my side to lead me and guide me back to where I want to be.

It's not always gonna be rainbows and butterfly's, but it is my grief journey and I am the boss of it dammit!  I get to make it what I want it to be.  And being miserable is NOT what I want for myself.  Nor does my Savior and Dustin.  So breaking through and pressing on with positivity is where I stand.  Letting life happen and enjoying the ride I have left!!

A Good Man

Today marks the first angelversary for Dustin.  Exactly a year ago today my life changed in a way I could never have expected it to until I was at least 75.  But it did, it happened.  So as today approached I had so much anxiety.  So much fear as to what the day would bring.  A chunk of my heart was taken from me and I won't ever get it back while I am here on earth.  I was afraid I'd have nightmares, I was afraid I'd be a hot mess all day long.  That I wouldn't want to get out of bed, or eat anything or get dressed.  But today was different.  Different than any other day I have experienced thus far.

I woke up to kids, as usual, but I didn't wake up grumpy or mad or sad or depressed like I sometimes do.  I woke up happy, peaceful and full of comfort and love.  The hymn Be Still, My Soul was playing in my head and the lyrics to that song read as this:

  Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

  With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
  Leave to thy God to order and provide;
  In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
  Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
  Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

  Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

  Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father and Dustin put that song into my head.  They wanted to let me know that I would be ok.  That He really is there for me, that He sees my struggles but helps me through them and is there every step of the way.  Waking up to that hymn this morning was an answer to the prayers I have been saying all week leading up to this day.  Just as they were answered on March 17 (which was the last time I heard from him a year ago) with the sound of his heartbeat as I laid down to sleep, just as if I was laying down on his chest to fall asleep like I did every night.  I knew this morning, as well as on the night of the 17, that he is ok.  That he is diligently working up there in heaven, patiently waiting for me, just as I am doing down here for him.  And he wants me to know this, so he sends me these small, little signs to let me know he is still there.  

After the day's events were finally over and I had the chance to process what went on today, I started to look back on this day a year ago.  I couldn't tell you much from that day.  Nor do I really want to rack my brain trying to remember what happened.  But one thought that I do remember going through my head was "How the hell am I going to raise 4 kids, all still currently under 5 without their dad?  How am I going to make it through this first year?!"  I know I was reassured by his Commanding Officer from Davis-Monthan that everything would be ok.  And little did I know then how well the military would take care of me and our kids.  Dustin might not have died while in action, but he died while faithfully serving our country.  And they treat the families of their fallen amazingly well.  We have been and continue to be so well taken care of that a simple Thank You doesn't even begin to cover what they have done for us.  

Our kids have also been my rock.  Without their questions and constant prodding at me for answers as to why their daddy had to die, what he died from, when is he going to come back home, when are they going to be able to wrestle with him and on and on, I would not be in the place I am today with my grief journey.  Because of them I have been able to heal and heal way faster than I ever expected to accomplish within a year.  I have taken leaps and bounds forward, with millions of steps backwards, but those backwards steps are what make me even stronger.  Those moments of weakness make me stronger.  Just like my favorite scripture from the Book of Mormon says, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)  Without Him giving me this trial to realize my weaknesses, I would not be as strong of a person as I am today.  As painful as this trial is, I am becoming such a strong daughter of my Heavenly Father.  And I know without a shadow of a doubt he will bless me and my kids greatly for that!  

And last but not least, my biggest puzzle piece to this entire thing is my sweet, sweet Dustin.  Unfortunately, none of this would have been possible without him.  I wouldn't have met all of the wonderful people that have helped me through this journey without him.  None of them would be as blessed as they are without him coming into their lives.  Dustin ALWAYS wanted to be that man that everyone loved and admired.  He wanted to be the guy that people knew they could count on, the guy that could be strong and tough but also fun and loving.  He never thought he was that man nor did he ever think he could become that man.  In high school there was a song that was really popular on the radio called A Good Man by Emerson Drive.  He used to tell me that he wanted to be that man.  Little does he know (well he probably knows it all now) that he is that man.  He is the man that left such an impression of every one's life he came in contact with.  Whether it was a few hours, a day, weeks, months or years.  He left such an impression on everyone to be better.  But not for just them, for their families and friends.  Just like his good friend and the man he looked up to said today, He might have had a short time here on this earth, but he lived his life to the fullest and was the best possible man he could be.  And he did it because he wanted to, not because he was told to.  And he loved every minute of it.  To be the one to say, Yes, Dustin Owens is my husband, is an honor.  A cherished honor I will forever hold near and dear to my heart.  

Dustin, you are a good man.  You accomplished every word from that song and more.  Your dreams did come true.  The ones that truly mattered in your life.  And I am honored to be the one to carry on your legacy for our kids and everyone around us!  To infinity and beyond Teddy Bear!!!

The Tragedy We Call Life

Grab your tissue box, you *might* cry with this one.  Or you might learn a thing or two from this post, like I have learned over the past 11 months.  But, tonight I am writing you about my kids and how they have handled this grieving train in our tragedy we call life.  

After Dusty had first passed away, so many people told me that kids are resilient, they will bounce back so fast!  I also heard that some of my four will never really grieve because they either never knew their dad or won't have any memories or really any recollection of him.  I also heard that loosing a parent was comparable to loosing a dog or a cat.  Well, apparently these people have never met my kids.  Or maybe they haven't lost someone like we did?  Or maybe they just didn't know what to say so they said what they've heard.  Who knows, and honestly, I don't really care because what we have learned as a family is that you don't know how you will act and/or react in/to a situation until you are put into that situation.  But as I have watched my kids over the past year, I have seen them go through some very hard and painful situations.  I have watched each of them move through their grief in their own way.  And all at very different times.

Being a mother to four kids, three in which are grieving, is very hard.  It takes a lot of time, patience and effort.  They aren't as resilient as some would have thought.  They are also ALL moving through their own grief cycles and if they had the knowledge to tell you that loosing a parent is NOTHING like loosing a pet, I'm sure they would.  You see, our kids are very bright individuals.  (Not that they are smarter than any other kid, but tragedy has a way of enhancing some things)  They know that their daddy left to Korea.  They knew that he was going to be coming home.  They knew that daddy died.  They knew that daddy was in a coffin and that his body was buried.  They know that daddy's spirit went to heaven. They know that when the resurrection happens daddy will be reunited with his body, as will all of them, and that we will be a family again.  But what they don't know is the concept of time.  The slow and silent killer.  T I M E.  As I have sat back and silently listened to all of them I have noticed that, just like me, they are all grieving 100% totally different than the one before them.  

Our oldest, who was 4 1/2 at the time, has been grieving since the day her daddy left to Korea and even more so since he has passed away.  But she was very quiet about a lot of her grief in the first 9 months.  She acted out.  Her tendencies intensified.  A fear of abandonment starting setting in.  She didn't know what to do.  She didn't know how to ask for help from me or really anyone for that matter.  So I made sure she knew I was there for her.  Slowly but surely she started talking about him more and more.  Memories of him, stories about him, more and more questions about him while he was alive and more and more questions about how he died, if her future husband would die young, why daddy had to die, why daddy had to go to Korea etc.  As time continues to pass, though, she is slowly grasping the concept of death.  What it really is and sort of why it happens.  Her questions just keep coming, too.  Which is why I think she is finally starting to grasp this tragedy she calls her life.  

Our son, who was 3 1/2 at the time, is just now really starting to realize that his daddy really isn't coming home.  That his daddy is in heaven but his body is buried in the ground in a coffin.  He is struggling with how his daddy came home from Korea, though.  He remembers saying good bye to him at the airport, but he can't put the pieces together with his daddy flying to Korea, dying and then being sent back home on an airplane.  He thinks about this often because we talk about it several times.  Every day.  But he just can't quite grasp it yet.  Soon enough he will and then we will have a whole knew wave of grief hit when that day comes.  He also has a hard time with the fact that he will never see his daddy on this earth again.  It has been very hard for him to accept this.  Which I can completely understand!  A boy and his dad have such a tight and bonded relationship from birth.  So to loose that has got to be just awful!!  He also has a fear that he will also die young and not be there for me and his sisters.  He doesn't want to leave us like his daddy did and have us be even more sad.  But what I've noticed with him is that he talks.  Nonstop.  All day.  Trying to just make sense of this tragedy he calls life.  

Our third, who was 1 1/2 at the time, didn't really realize anything until about a month ago.  She started acting horrible to everyone around her.  Hitting, kicking, pushing, punching, spitting, scratching, screaming, throwing toys or other objects at people etc.  I had to really stop and think about why she was doing this.  Then it clicked.  (With the help of a counselor) She was starting to grieve her daddy's death too.  She was starting to feel envious of her brother and sister, who had all of these memories with their dad.  Who were able to talk about him together and reminisce about the time they had with him.  In which she was there for all of these memories too, but she can't remember them or she can remember, but isn't able to vocalize them as well as her siblings.  She knows all of the same things her older brother and sister do and she talks about them often, too.  But how can you expect, a now 2 yr old, to comprehend that her daddy died?  It's hard enough for me to comprehend it sometimes!!  But, with her, the more pictures I show her, the more stories I tell her and the more I include her in our stories and memories with him, the happier she seems to become.  The better she gets with this tragedy she calls life.    

Our fourth, who I was still pregnant with at the time, is not necessarily grieving yet but she will.  In my opinion, she will be my kid that has a harder time than the rest of them because she never got to have her daddy on earth.  She won't have any memories of him or with him.  Ever.  But one thing I do know is that she knows who he is.  She hears his voice from the book he recorded before he left and immediately perks up or stops fussing and crawls over to sit and listen to him.  I also hear her push her daddy bear he recorded for her several times and I know it puts a smile on her face.  One day, she will join in with all of us on this grieving train and start grasping this tragedy she calls life.  

So, as you can see, resilience really isn't there.  Maybe to some extent, but not in any way others explained it to me, or I thought it would present itself.  There is also grieving, coming from all four of them within reason, for their ages.  And this is sure as hell no way even close to loosing a pet.  My heart aches and breaks daily for my kids.  But, as I have had to learn, this is their trial to bear.  Just as loosing my husband is mine.  I can be there for them, just like my friends and family are for me, to lead and guide them, be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to.  But, this is ultimately their trial to bear, as individually as they are unique in their own ways.   

A Time and A Season

It has come to the time to where I have been able to heal a little more from this horrific tragedy I call my life.  It has been almost a year now and I have learned a lot within this year.  I have grown a lot.  I have realized that I can't do it all.  That I do break.  That I am strong, but it is because I let myself fall and I pick myself back up.  I have realized that I am ok with talking to complete strangers or new found friends about what happened.  About what was going on before, during and after it was all said and done.  I have realized that there really is a time and a season for every aspect of life.  For everyone.

Easy enough to understand, right?  You might think so.  I did too.  Before my life was shattered at the ringing sound of my doorbell.

Putting myself into situations with others where questions are asked about my late husband, some not even realizing I have a late husband, really made me stop and think.  It brought back a lot of those first emotions and feelings I had right after it all happened.  Anger, guilt, denial, more anger, wondering why now, etc.  But now that I am able to process all of this a little better, not much, but just enough to put things into perspective for me, I slowly noticed that there really is a time and a season for everything.

Right after it happened I was given a book called Lifetimes.  In this book life is explained so that a child can understand what life is all about.  It tells us that there is a beginning, a middle and an ending in life and that things can die any where from the beginning to the ending.  It explains that everything has a lifetime.  Reading it to my kids every night for almost a year now, it never really dawned on me.  Everything really does have a lifetime and it is unique to that thing!!  Well no Fricking DUH!!  We all know that!!  But STOP.  Think about it.  Fill my cup, put some . . . Oh, sorry, can't stop singing Uptown Funk!  Ok, back to my point.  For us as humans, we all think that we are going to grow old and die because we are old.  You never think that you will actually die before you're at least 75 nowadays.  So when it happens to someone as young as Dustin, or even younger and way younger you start to question your beliefs.  Whatever that may be, you wonder why?!  Why did that baby have to die before it even got the chance to take its first breath?  Why did that toddler have to die from cancer?  Why did that young boy have to get killed in a car accident?  Why did that teenager have to get pinned by a drunk driver and die from his injuries?  Why did an amazing father have to die from a vaccine?  Why did that mother have to die of cancer?  Why, why, WHY??? 

Unfortunately, none of us have the answer to any of those few scenarios of why people die "before their time."  But was it really before their time?  Or is that what we think and how we feel because as humans we have been taught that?  We all have our own perception of things.  And my perception of dying "too young" is not that anymore.  It's that, that was their lifetime.  They were sent from heaven to fulfill this short amount of time, to us, so they could live their life in the time span that was given them and accomplish what was asked of them.

Now, by all means, this doesn't take away the fact that for those of us that are left can just move on or press forward and get over it.  In fact, it is the exact opposite in my opinion.  It is so hard knowing that my sweet husband didn't even get to see his last baby girl come into this world.  That was his lifetime, though.  And dammit, it was a f*cking good one!

When you stop to think about those who have left you too soon, or even when it really was their time because they were old, they all left an amazing impact on your life.  They all somehow, someway taught you something that you will carry with you forever.  And we need to be grateful for that.  Anyone and everyone who has left this earth is a living legacy.  But it is up to us on how their lifetime, their time and season, is perceived.  And it is also up to us to remember, there really is a time and a season for everything.  No matter what we feel is "normal" for a that.

I am Machine

So it's been quite a while since my last post.  I have been doing a lot of self reflection.  Which has been very tough while taking care of sick kids and conquering new waves of grief for us all.  But it has also been very good.  Something I needed to do.  To keep moving.  To truly start thriving instead of just merely surviving.  

As I was making a trek to Tucson a few days ago a song had come on.  (Yeah I know, another song) But as I drove, alone, listening to the lyrics and the way the artist was singing it I couldn't help but think to myself, This is me.  I am feeling and acting just like this! The song that was playing was "I Am Machine" by Three Days Grace.  It talks about being human with pain and suffering, beauty within the bleeding and being able to feel it.  But feeling as if you are a machine.  Not sleeping, not feeling, only trying to fix what's broken and wishing you could feel something.  Taking so many things for granted in the highs and lows, wishing you could just belong.  Not caring about right and wrong, repeating feeling like a machine, not sleeping, not feeling and only trying to fix what's broken.  Since Dustin passed away, this is exactly how I have felt.

I feel as if I am a machine!

I don't feel anymore.  I don't sleep.  I have a hard time differentiating between some wrongs and rights and find that I really don't care sometimes.  I can be in a room full of people and feel like I don't belong.  Feel like I am completely alone.  All I have wanted to do is fix what is broken in my life.  Which unfortunately is impossible within this earthly life.  

After the song finished and I related so well to those lyrics, I thought to myself, Holy Shit Brianna!!  You can't keep going like this!  Yes, part of you, nope, no, most of you died when he died.  But you can't let that stop you!  I couldn't tell you anything else about that drive other than I spent the rest of it pondering how I got to this point and how I could make this better.  How I could stop being a machine and just surviving instead of thriving.  

I came to the conclusion really fast that the reason I became a machine was because I was not ready to accept the fact that I am now a widow.  That I was widowed at 24, pregnant with our fourth child, with three other children under the age of 5.  I realized right then I needed to accept that fact, that I AM a widow and a young, single mother to four children five and under.  I realized that I needed to basically slap myself in the face, wake myself up and smell my roses.  As wilted as they seemed to me, I still needed to smell them and realize the beauty they once had.  I needed to do this so that I could make my life and our kids' lives better by thriving and not merely surviving.

Now this is one of those things that is way easier said than done.  Waking up everyday, smelling those wilted roses, making myself break out of my machine and face my life head on has been very, very hard.  It has taken constant prayers, constant self reflection, constant pep talks.  I am mentally exhausted at the end of every day.  But when I look into my kids' eyes I am reminded of why it is so important.  I am reminded of why all of this is worth it.  They need to thrive and not simply survive, too.  And the only way they will learn is by my example.  

So, I am no longer a machine!  I am Brianna Owens, I am a widow and I have four beautiful blessings to remind me of why this life is so important to thrive in and not merely survive!!