As many of you know, I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary yesterday without Dustin. It would've been six years for us. Yes, six short years. But as I thought long and hard about those six short years I came to the conclusion that they have been the BEST six years of my entire life thus far.
Within the week leading up to this day, I had noticed that different songs on the radio were being played. Songs that were near and dear to us as we'd talked about the unimaginable. They all have to do with going on in life without the one you truly love. So by listening to those songs, which have not played on the actually radio since he passed, I knew he was missing me just as much as I was missing him. But that didn't change my emotions leading up to this day. My anticipation was horrible. My anxiety was high. My fear was WAY high. My emotions, not even on the chart! But, like any other day, it was coming whether I was ready or not. So I prayed and I prayed good and long and hard. For strength, for courage, for peace and comfort, to be able to feel him closer than normal, for guidance and for faith. As I prayed I felt an overwhelming peace overcome my spirit. I could feel his everlasting, loving embrace.
The day started out rough, round three of the stomach flu made it's way in again so I was cleaning up vomit. I was also calming a poor little boy with an awful croopy cough, soothing a little girl's eczema and soothing a teething baby. Nothing of which I had in mind for this day, but parenting doesn't stop. So as I sat there after breakfast, being as negative as I could be about my current situation, I heard him whisper to me, Darlin' it's ok. We have SO many more anniversaries to come, cater to them today, you know I understand. And just like that, my mood was instantly changed. Not only did I hear him, but I felt him. I knew that he knew I was sad. For more than just those reasons and he wanted me to know that it was ok.
I immediately thought, Oh crap now it's snack time, Teddy Bear toast it is!! So I made all of us Teddy bear toast with peanut butter, strawberries and chocolate chips. As we all sat at the table I showed them our wedding pictures and told them our story. The way they lit up was priceless to me. Getting to see how happy they were learning about their mommy and daddy like that was all I needed to carry on. And that's when it really hit me, I really do have these four beautiful blessings from him. And even though they totally stress me out all day every day, they are our blessings and they go to show our undivided love for each other.
The day continued and seemed to get better as each moment passed. That evening we went to grab take out food, go have a picnic with him and give him a rose that his grandparents had given me the night before. It was the best picnic we've had yet. The kids all mostly sat there, talked a little with him, asked me questions about him and I and actually ate their food (which is HUGE for them!) We got home, I bathed them all and put them to bed. They all slept well for me and I was able to get almost a full night's rest!,
So a day that could have totally gone in another direction didn't because I listed to his still small voice, controlled my mind and enjoyed the day. All of the anticipation leading up to this day had eased. All of the anxieties had vanished and all of the fear had disappeared. I also learned that even though he is on the other side of the veil, our love, the covenants we made in the temple together and our soul finally becoming as one, has not changed. He is fully aware of what I am going through and I am fully aware that he is still with me. It's not how I want it to be, but he is there. Every step of the way. And I am so grateful for this. I am so grateful to know that even though he has been able to move on to his heavenly life, he hasn't forgotten about me. Nor have I forgotten about him. And being the one entrusted to carry on his legacy and raise his posterity is the greatest blessing I could ever ask for! Just like he'd tell me all the time, if you look hard enough, there is beauty and a blessing in everything :)
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
New Year, New Me
Can we all breath a little better now that the holidays are done? I know I can!! Phew, I got through them. I can say now that I have made it through my first set of MAJOR holidays without Dustin. As painful as it was, I did it and I enjoyed every minute of them. Although, ringing in the New Year had to have been the hardest for me to endure. So many different emotions were running through me before and after midnight that night. Many I had actually already experienced with the birth of TessieAnn, our youngest. So tonight, I write to you about these emotions that have catapulted me into my "new" life.
Just like with every New Year you get excited, overwhelmed, full of joy from what you have been able to accomplish in the past year. Which were all emotions I felt, even though this has been the SADDEST year of my life thus far, I was able to accomplish many positive things. Which brought me so much joy to end the year. But starting a new one? Already? It feels like just yesterday that Dustin and I rang in 2014! Planning out our year apart, what we were going to accomplish financially while he was gone etc. The pain from not being able to finish things we had started or having to finish them without him weighed heavily on my heart and soul. For a long time I have wanted to go back in time, have him not pass away and change my life story. But I can't. What's done is done and I can't change that. As painful as that fact is, its a true fact. So as it got closer to midnight, I let my mind take in those thoughts of sadness and pain. But I also let into my mind the thoughts and emotions of rebirth and regrowth. I let myself be OK partially closing the chapter with Dustin until it can be reopened on the other side of the veil. I let myself feel and know that it is OK to start anew. To not forget who I was with him but to know that it is OK to put some of that away in my memories.
One thing I have learned, though, through this journey of grief is mind control. The more mind control you have, the easier it seems to be. Which is honestly something Dustin helped me to know and understand and I will forever be grateful to him for this. Without him helping me to know and understand this, I wouldn't be in the amazing spot I am today with my grief. I wouldn't have been able to get through New Year's Eve like I did and be able to feel, know and understand all of these many emotions.
OK, back to my New Year. I have had many people ask me what my 2015 resolutions are. I am here to tell you that I don't have any. To me, resolutions are broken promises to yourself you make to try and start anew. Not said that they are bad, that's just my opinion of them. Now goals on the other hand, they are stepping stones to put you where you want to go. Life is not about making each, individual year mean something. Life is about making many years mean a whole lot of somethings. I mean think about it, how fast did 2014 go for you? If it was as fast as mine, you barely had time to breath let alone complete your resolutions. So why not set goals for years down the road and make stepping stones to get where you really want to be in life? Most of us seem to not be as hard on ourselves with goals and we can break them down easier than resolutions. And that word just seems to have such an overwhelming ring to it. As a person with anxiety, being overwhelmed is not where its at. So this year I have made goals for myself that start my beautifully imperfect paved walkway into finding myself again. It's not going to be easy by any means, but it is all going to be worth it. Because in the end I will be with him again. In the words of Carrie Underwood, "I will see you again, oh, this is not where it ends! I will carry you with me, oh, till I see you again!"
So here's to 2015!! A year full of goals to get me where I want to be in MY life!! For the present and the future!!
Just like with every New Year you get excited, overwhelmed, full of joy from what you have been able to accomplish in the past year. Which were all emotions I felt, even though this has been the SADDEST year of my life thus far, I was able to accomplish many positive things. Which brought me so much joy to end the year. But starting a new one? Already? It feels like just yesterday that Dustin and I rang in 2014! Planning out our year apart, what we were going to accomplish financially while he was gone etc. The pain from not being able to finish things we had started or having to finish them without him weighed heavily on my heart and soul. For a long time I have wanted to go back in time, have him not pass away and change my life story. But I can't. What's done is done and I can't change that. As painful as that fact is, its a true fact. So as it got closer to midnight, I let my mind take in those thoughts of sadness and pain. But I also let into my mind the thoughts and emotions of rebirth and regrowth. I let myself be OK partially closing the chapter with Dustin until it can be reopened on the other side of the veil. I let myself feel and know that it is OK to start anew. To not forget who I was with him but to know that it is OK to put some of that away in my memories.
One thing I have learned, though, through this journey of grief is mind control. The more mind control you have, the easier it seems to be. Which is honestly something Dustin helped me to know and understand and I will forever be grateful to him for this. Without him helping me to know and understand this, I wouldn't be in the amazing spot I am today with my grief. I wouldn't have been able to get through New Year's Eve like I did and be able to feel, know and understand all of these many emotions.
OK, back to my New Year. I have had many people ask me what my 2015 resolutions are. I am here to tell you that I don't have any. To me, resolutions are broken promises to yourself you make to try and start anew. Not said that they are bad, that's just my opinion of them. Now goals on the other hand, they are stepping stones to put you where you want to go. Life is not about making each, individual year mean something. Life is about making many years mean a whole lot of somethings. I mean think about it, how fast did 2014 go for you? If it was as fast as mine, you barely had time to breath let alone complete your resolutions. So why not set goals for years down the road and make stepping stones to get where you really want to be in life? Most of us seem to not be as hard on ourselves with goals and we can break them down easier than resolutions. And that word just seems to have such an overwhelming ring to it. As a person with anxiety, being overwhelmed is not where its at. So this year I have made goals for myself that start my beautifully imperfect paved walkway into finding myself again. It's not going to be easy by any means, but it is all going to be worth it. Because in the end I will be with him again. In the words of Carrie Underwood, "I will see you again, oh, this is not where it ends! I will carry you with me, oh, till I see you again!"
So here's to 2015!! A year full of goals to get me where I want to be in MY life!! For the present and the future!!
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Comfort Zone
It has been very difficult for me to want to do anything this entire month. Christmas was Dustin's other favorite holiday and he took over with so much of the festivities for this month. So as I've had to take on that role of carrying on our family traditions and trying to start new ones, I've come to realize that I was in a HUGE comfort zone.
Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with being in a comfort zone. I wish I could have mine back! But what I am saying is that I was so not prepared for mine to completely disappear in the blink of an eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have it in the back of your mind as a military spouse. But you NEVER really think it will happen to YOU. So tonight, I write to you about my comfort zone and what I am struggling with now not having it.
I have always been a pretty independent woman. If I can't do it, I learn how to do it or fail a thousand times trying to figure it out myself. Well this was something that was a little strain in our relationship. Dustin wanted to be able to do so many different things around the house or be able to figure it out as well. But for a while, I would just do things because I knew they needed done and he was always gone working. Well one day I woke up and realized that I needed to let him do those things so that he also felt like he was contributing to our household. So I'd wait for him to help me do something or I'd let him do it himself. Which sounds horrible that I "let" him because it wasn't so much that I "let" him but we wanted to make our marriage a team effort. So together we defined what was "his" roles and what were "hers" roles within our home. And things started getting a lot easier for both of us. We weren't as stressed. Things seemed to get done faster and in a better manner. It helped to strengthen our relationship. We had finally gotten to a point where things were comfortable and felt wonderful!!
When we found out that he would be going to Korea, we made a to do list of what needed to be done so that my load would be lighter after he left. We completed that to do list with a few straggling items that couldn't quite be dealt with until it was a few months out from our big PCS. So needless to say, we were both comfortable. Loving life. Finally enjoying life. We would talk about how life was going so good for us that we wondered when our next big storm would hit. Little did either of us know how big the storm really was going to be, how soon it would hit and how much it would mess up the comfort zone we had worked almost 8 years to create.
As I've sat here, there and every where over the past 9 months I have realized that when my comfort zone fell apart I was lost. Heck, I still am a little (a lot) lost. But I've been able to determine why I am so lost and why I haven't been able to find my new comfort zone.
I am so lost because I was completely blind sided by life! Death is just as much a part of life as birth is. No one is ever going to make it out of this world alive. But I never expected it to happen so soon to my husband. I never expected to have to endure this earthly life alone so young and with so many young children! (whom I totally love and adore and am so glad I was chosen to be their mother) But I never expected that I would have to actually use my independence in the way I am having to now. Feeling as though I am forced to use it instead of wanting to use it.
I also haven't been able to find my new comfort zone because I am afraid. I am afraid that I am going to loose it again. I am so afraid that I will loose the ones close to me if I get too comfortable with them. So as my survival instincts are telling me, keep your distance and you won't get as hurt. Which in a way is true but who wants to keep their anxiety up? Who wants to walk around in life feeling like they are the odd man out? I did that already, I don't need to do that again.
So tonight I am going to set a challenge to all of you and to myself. Look at your comfort zone. Would you be able to survive if a part, the biggest part, of that was suddenly gone? Could you gain enough courage to make another comfort zone for yourself? That is what I am doing for myself tonight. I am changing my mindset from fearful to courageous. My wonderful softball coach always told me that the game was 90% mental and 10% physical. Well folks, life is pretty much the same. If we can all change our mindsets, prepare ourselves for the inevitable and learn to be courageous, our lives will be that much more blessed and feel that much more fulfilled.
I might not have my Teddy Bear here to complete my comfort zone anymore and I might still be struggling on a daily basis with making my new comfort zone. But I am slowly but surely figuring out what that is. So take on my challenge, try to some what prepare your self for what I was not able to prepare for.
Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with being in a comfort zone. I wish I could have mine back! But what I am saying is that I was so not prepared for mine to completely disappear in the blink of an eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have it in the back of your mind as a military spouse. But you NEVER really think it will happen to YOU. So tonight, I write to you about my comfort zone and what I am struggling with now not having it.
I have always been a pretty independent woman. If I can't do it, I learn how to do it or fail a thousand times trying to figure it out myself. Well this was something that was a little strain in our relationship. Dustin wanted to be able to do so many different things around the house or be able to figure it out as well. But for a while, I would just do things because I knew they needed done and he was always gone working. Well one day I woke up and realized that I needed to let him do those things so that he also felt like he was contributing to our household. So I'd wait for him to help me do something or I'd let him do it himself. Which sounds horrible that I "let" him because it wasn't so much that I "let" him but we wanted to make our marriage a team effort. So together we defined what was "his" roles and what were "hers" roles within our home. And things started getting a lot easier for both of us. We weren't as stressed. Things seemed to get done faster and in a better manner. It helped to strengthen our relationship. We had finally gotten to a point where things were comfortable and felt wonderful!!
When we found out that he would be going to Korea, we made a to do list of what needed to be done so that my load would be lighter after he left. We completed that to do list with a few straggling items that couldn't quite be dealt with until it was a few months out from our big PCS. So needless to say, we were both comfortable. Loving life. Finally enjoying life. We would talk about how life was going so good for us that we wondered when our next big storm would hit. Little did either of us know how big the storm really was going to be, how soon it would hit and how much it would mess up the comfort zone we had worked almost 8 years to create.
As I've sat here, there and every where over the past 9 months I have realized that when my comfort zone fell apart I was lost. Heck, I still am a little (a lot) lost. But I've been able to determine why I am so lost and why I haven't been able to find my new comfort zone.
I am so lost because I was completely blind sided by life! Death is just as much a part of life as birth is. No one is ever going to make it out of this world alive. But I never expected it to happen so soon to my husband. I never expected to have to endure this earthly life alone so young and with so many young children! (whom I totally love and adore and am so glad I was chosen to be their mother) But I never expected that I would have to actually use my independence in the way I am having to now. Feeling as though I am forced to use it instead of wanting to use it.
I also haven't been able to find my new comfort zone because I am afraid. I am afraid that I am going to loose it again. I am so afraid that I will loose the ones close to me if I get too comfortable with them. So as my survival instincts are telling me, keep your distance and you won't get as hurt. Which in a way is true but who wants to keep their anxiety up? Who wants to walk around in life feeling like they are the odd man out? I did that already, I don't need to do that again.
So tonight I am going to set a challenge to all of you and to myself. Look at your comfort zone. Would you be able to survive if a part, the biggest part, of that was suddenly gone? Could you gain enough courage to make another comfort zone for yourself? That is what I am doing for myself tonight. I am changing my mindset from fearful to courageous. My wonderful softball coach always told me that the game was 90% mental and 10% physical. Well folks, life is pretty much the same. If we can all change our mindsets, prepare ourselves for the inevitable and learn to be courageous, our lives will be that much more blessed and feel that much more fulfilled.
I might not have my Teddy Bear here to complete my comfort zone anymore and I might still be struggling on a daily basis with making my new comfort zone. But I am slowly but surely figuring out what that is. So take on my challenge, try to some what prepare your self for what I was not able to prepare for.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
May The Odds Be Ever In MY Favor!!
Oh how I wish the odds could be ever in my favor!! Just like they seem to be for Katniss in the Hunger Games. But wait, are they really in her favor? It sure seems like she has to work REALLY hard to stay alive with all the other tributes and things definitely don't just come that easy for her. There is a lot of strategy that takes place.
For a long time I have known I've needed to start my new normal. And to be quite honest it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. But, like Katniss, I had no idea what to expect embarking on this new journey in life and I sure as heck had no idea how my fellow tributes would try to survive.
I came to find out they all have a different strategy than the one before and that age really doesn't make a difference. Now if you are wondering who my fellow tributes are, they are my kids. I have many other fellow tributes but they are truly the ones in the Hunger Games arena with me. You might be asking why I am comparing this to the Hunger Games. Well my dear friends, I am here to tell you, in this house it has been a game of survival of the fittest!! I literally wake up each morning wondering how each of them are going to act that day! Because like I said, they all have a different strategy on how to survive!!
First, my oldest girl is trying out being the instigator of naughty activities while being very silent about them and then showering you with love afterwards so the punishment isn't so fierce. She thinks that she can get away with certain things and blame them on her younger siblings, but little does she know that her eldest and wisest tribute knows better. Along with that she is trying to continue the sympathy card. Which is a tough one to battle, but we take it as it is and just try to let her survive how she sees fit with that one. Now she is also a good helper, but on her terms only. She is pretty bratty when it comes to anything not being on her terms.
Third, the sweet forgotten tribute, is currently doing anything and everything she can to make it through to the next day and not end up as one of the tributes the canon is fired for. You name it, she's done it. And she likes to do it all naked. With the exception of her diaper of course. But man alive, you mess with her the wrong way, you better expect revenge back ten fold. She might be tiny but boy she can dish it out!! Part of it has to deal with her age, but honestly, I'm pretty sure she's trying to find her place within all of us tributes. Can't be easy with 5 of us!
Last but not least, my fourth tribute is my little peacemaker. She is so sweet all the time, puts a smile on every ones face and is working so hard to catch up with the rest of us. I hope she stays this way, because having 4 other tributes to try and keep track of with such different and difficult strategies makes for a very tough day!!
Now as for me? I was just trying to survive each day. Make it through to bed time, enjoy my alone time and go to bed. But I found that wasn't working for me. I was pretty much letting the my fellow tributes have run of the arena to do whatever they wanted however they wanted to. But quickly realized that it wasn't working in my favor. So I decided I was going to take a stand. I wasn't going to let certain behaviors fly anymore. I wasn't going to take crap from them anymore. I was going to show them that it is ok to fail, have everyone see you, pick yourself back up and keep going. And since I have taken this new strategy (which has not been very long), I have found I am much more successful throughout my days in the arena. I don't use this strategy everyday as I am still trying to learn how to mold it, but with each new task I take on, I feel much more accomplished. I feel as if I am finally close to winning the Hunger Games rather than loosing them. And that is an AMAZING feeling!!!
This round of the Hunger Games is a different round than I have ever played before. Strategies are having to be changed day by day and sometimes even hour by hour. But by acknowledging there needs to be a change, changing the strategy and pressing forward, we are all starting to be more successful. And that's what matters right? Katniss had to adjust several times in order to finally win the Hunger Games. If we can all learn to step back, assess our situations and take care of what needs to be taken care of, we will all be pretty darn successful within our own individual Hunger Games!! And May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor!!
For a long time I have known I've needed to start my new normal. And to be quite honest it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. But, like Katniss, I had no idea what to expect embarking on this new journey in life and I sure as heck had no idea how my fellow tributes would try to survive.
I came to find out they all have a different strategy than the one before and that age really doesn't make a difference. Now if you are wondering who my fellow tributes are, they are my kids. I have many other fellow tributes but they are truly the ones in the Hunger Games arena with me. You might be asking why I am comparing this to the Hunger Games. Well my dear friends, I am here to tell you, in this house it has been a game of survival of the fittest!! I literally wake up each morning wondering how each of them are going to act that day! Because like I said, they all have a different strategy on how to survive!!
First, my oldest girl is trying out being the instigator of naughty activities while being very silent about them and then showering you with love afterwards so the punishment isn't so fierce. She thinks that she can get away with certain things and blame them on her younger siblings, but little does she know that her eldest and wisest tribute knows better. Along with that she is trying to continue the sympathy card. Which is a tough one to battle, but we take it as it is and just try to let her survive how she sees fit with that one. Now she is also a good helper, but on her terms only. She is pretty bratty when it comes to anything not being on her terms.
Second, my only little boy has been quite the leader. At least in my opinion. He has stepped up to the plate, at the ripe age of 3 1/2, to be there for me. It hasn't always been like this and it wasn't until recently that he started doing this, but he figured out really quickly that if he does more helping than disobeying he gets further in the day without too much discipline.
Third, the sweet forgotten tribute, is currently doing anything and everything she can to make it through to the next day and not end up as one of the tributes the canon is fired for. You name it, she's done it. And she likes to do it all naked. With the exception of her diaper of course. But man alive, you mess with her the wrong way, you better expect revenge back ten fold. She might be tiny but boy she can dish it out!! Part of it has to deal with her age, but honestly, I'm pretty sure she's trying to find her place within all of us tributes. Can't be easy with 5 of us!
Last but not least, my fourth tribute is my little peacemaker. She is so sweet all the time, puts a smile on every ones face and is working so hard to catch up with the rest of us. I hope she stays this way, because having 4 other tributes to try and keep track of with such different and difficult strategies makes for a very tough day!!
Now as for me? I was just trying to survive each day. Make it through to bed time, enjoy my alone time and go to bed. But I found that wasn't working for me. I was pretty much letting the my fellow tributes have run of the arena to do whatever they wanted however they wanted to. But quickly realized that it wasn't working in my favor. So I decided I was going to take a stand. I wasn't going to let certain behaviors fly anymore. I wasn't going to take crap from them anymore. I was going to show them that it is ok to fail, have everyone see you, pick yourself back up and keep going. And since I have taken this new strategy (which has not been very long), I have found I am much more successful throughout my days in the arena. I don't use this strategy everyday as I am still trying to learn how to mold it, but with each new task I take on, I feel much more accomplished. I feel as if I am finally close to winning the Hunger Games rather than loosing them. And that is an AMAZING feeling!!!
This round of the Hunger Games is a different round than I have ever played before. Strategies are having to be changed day by day and sometimes even hour by hour. But by acknowledging there needs to be a change, changing the strategy and pressing forward, we are all starting to be more successful. And that's what matters right? Katniss had to adjust several times in order to finally win the Hunger Games. If we can all learn to step back, assess our situations and take care of what needs to be taken care of, we will all be pretty darn successful within our own individual Hunger Games!! And May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor!!
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Puzzles
As I sit here tonight in front of my awesome fire, I am completely overwhelmed. You see, one of my faults is handling stress. I don't seem to do it very well, in my opinion. Many of you would argue this fact, but if you were a fly on my wall, you'd quickly see what I mean. A few weeks ago I realized that my kids were acting out something HORRIBLE! And I mean that in every sense of the word. You name it, they probably did it. But why were they acting out so badly? We all know about the elephant in the room but why else were my kids acting out? As I sat and pondered to myself one night it dawned on me. I have been a horrible roll model and mother to them! Maybe not all the time, but most of the time I have not been who I should be. Do I have plenty of excuses? Of course! But why should I use excuses for being a naughty mom? There is no logical reason for it. At least not in my mind. So how did I let myself get this bad? What did I do to the old me? Oh ya, she died the day she lost her eternal soulmate. What was I to do to bring her back? How could I become her again? I came to the conclusion real quick that I wasn't ever going to get her back. The puzzle that I had worked so hard to put together has a missing piece and that piece will never be put back with in this earthly life. But I had worked so hard on that puzzle!! How could I just put it to the side and let it sit with a missing piece? My OCD would go crazy!! Unfortunately, as much as my OCD would go crazy, I realized I had to put it to the side and wait for that missing piece to be found once again in the next life.
So now what? I have to start a WHOLE NEW PUZZLE??? Really? Gosh dang it! I really don't like puzzles people. I get very frustrated with them and I get frustrated with them fast. But when I realized I needed to start my new puzzle I also realized that this was why I had been such a horrible roll model and mother to my kids. I was trying to hold onto something that was never going to come back within this earthly life. And as much as it pains me to press on, it is what I need to do in order to be that mother my kids deserve. So I did a lot of soul searching and am still doing a lot of soul searching. Within this soul searching, I have come to realize that I am honestly too blessed to be stressed. I have so much to be thankful for on a daily basis that I shouldn't let the little things stress me out. After all, everything always works out and it all happens for a reason. So from now on, I choose to feel blessed and not stressed. I'm learning my limitations. I'm learning my shortcomings. I'm learning my new groove. I'm learning how to become more organized as a widowed, single mother of four beautifully amazing and spunky kids. Is it an easy task? Heck no!! Is it a worthy task? Heck yes!! Do I still fail on an hourly basis? Most definitely! But I am learning. And I am learning that I really am too blessed to be stressed!! I am doing my best to make this weakness one of my strengths and be able to be that great example to my kids!! They deserve it just as much, if not even more, than I do.
So now what? I have to start a WHOLE NEW PUZZLE??? Really? Gosh dang it! I really don't like puzzles people. I get very frustrated with them and I get frustrated with them fast. But when I realized I needed to start my new puzzle I also realized that this was why I had been such a horrible roll model and mother to my kids. I was trying to hold onto something that was never going to come back within this earthly life. And as much as it pains me to press on, it is what I need to do in order to be that mother my kids deserve. So I did a lot of soul searching and am still doing a lot of soul searching. Within this soul searching, I have come to realize that I am honestly too blessed to be stressed. I have so much to be thankful for on a daily basis that I shouldn't let the little things stress me out. After all, everything always works out and it all happens for a reason. So from now on, I choose to feel blessed and not stressed. I'm learning my limitations. I'm learning my shortcomings. I'm learning my new groove. I'm learning how to become more organized as a widowed, single mother of four beautifully amazing and spunky kids. Is it an easy task? Heck no!! Is it a worthy task? Heck yes!! Do I still fail on an hourly basis? Most definitely! But I am learning. And I am learning that I really am too blessed to be stressed!! I am doing my best to make this weakness one of my strengths and be able to be that great example to my kids!! They deserve it just as much, if not even more, than I do.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Good Grief! More Laundry?
Do you have a sh*t ton of laundry that is ALWAYS needing to get done? Whether it's washing it, drying it or folding it and putting it away? I know I do!! I have 3 baskets that need folded and put away as I type. But, it's so much easier to put off washing it if the kids still have clean clothes in their drawers. It's pretty easy to forget to put it in the dryer with 4 crazy kids running around and its even easier to put off folding it and putting it away when it's perfectly safe and content in that laundry basket!! When it gets so piled up you usually say something like "Good Grief! I have seriously GOT to do laundry!" I know I do!! But, time and time again, it gets put to the back burner. Well, going through the motions of grief is kind of just like that laundry that piles up. It is WAY easier to put off dealing with grief than it is to face it head on. There are so many different waves that hit me at all different times. And I have found, that just like my laundry, I am letting these emotions of grief pile up. But one day a few weeks ago a light bulb went off in my head. Why? Why do I keep letting these emotions pile up? They are going to come whether I want them to or not. Just like my fricking daily laundry does! So why do I let them become huge, overwhelming piles? So, I decided that day I was going to start using my amazing sorting laundry skills and sort through my piles of grief. For me. Not for my kids, not for him, not for anyone else but ME. My life started getting super hectic. The kids starting acting up, bad. I started having way more panic attacks. The house started to look a little too dirty for my liking. I was eating junk non-stop. I was doing a great job of ignoring the fact that these piles of emotional grief were coming straight at me. So, one by one I have started to sort through them.
The first one was a little easier to sort through. Shock and Denial. Dustin dying was a total and complete shock to everyone. Mostly to me. And it made absolutely no sense as to why such a young, strong and healthy man could die! But, the briefings from the military immediately following the news definitely helped me to sort that away pretty quick. This pile still lingers, but it is not as big as it was before and is a little easier to fold and continuously put away.
The second one I am still slightly stuck in. Pain and Guilt. His passing literally physically hurt me. The hurt is not as bad as it was almost 8 months ago, but it still is very much there. And many times I feel horrible guilt about his passing. He was alone, was he afraid? Was he in a lot of pain? Did he suffer for long, if he suffered at all? Did he wonder where I was? Did he want me there to comfort him? All of these questions I will never know the answer to and sometimes they eat me alive. This pile of grief is much easier to let pile up and try to push out of my mind. Let's be honest here, who wants to think about this all the time? I sure as hell don't! Although, this stage is getting easier to handle. I am slowly but surely learning how to fold this one up and put it away.
The third one I have completely been able to wash, dry, fold and put away. It is Anger and Bargaining. I am not a very angry person to begin with but I was definitely pretty angry with my Heavenly Father's plan for my life when I found out about his passing. With this one, though, I spent a lot of time making sure I found all the miss matching socks, folded them and put them away. Being angry and trying to bargain for something you can't bargain for is not worth it. We all have learned from Dustin's passing that life is too short to stay angry. And none of us make it out of this world alive. So, what is the point in continuing to be angry and racking my brain as to how I could've stopped him from dying? None, so I decided to complete this load and no longer have to watch it pile up!
The forth is where I am definitely currently at. Reflection and Loneliness. Let me just tell you this is the BIGGEST pile of laundry I have ever had to wash in my entire life. It is way easier to let this one sit there, pile up and stink than it is to actually take care of it. Do you like to be lonely? Do you like reflecting on how your life is and what you thought it would be? Nope, me neither. Being lonely is the worst feeling in the entire world, especially if you were used to being able to talk to someone you loved daily! So I love filling my time with worthless TV, food, shopping, running dumb errands that I probably don't need to run. But I do it anyway. I do it so that I don't have to sit there alone. In my house. With no one to talk to about every little detail that happened throughout my day. No one to give me feedback on what I can do better on the next day. No one that fully understands my kids, me. Yes, I know that many of you have told me that I can message you or call you any time of day or night. But lets be real here folks. You have a life!! I have a life. As much as we want to be there for each other, we just simply aren't able to. And unfortunately no one will be able to replace Dustin. But that is ok. I don't need to replace him. I don't need to feel pity for myself anymore. (Well maybe sometimes I do) But I need to learn to accept that this is my life, whether I was ready for this or not. It is my life. And before I can take care of my kids, I need to reflect on myself, realize that I will be lonely for however long it takes me to fold this pile and put it away. Because currently I am having to do about a million loads for it to all get clean!! And I will get there, slowly but surely I will be able to say that I washed, dried, folded and put away the biggest load of laundry I have ever had to do! No matter how long it takes me!!
The last few steps of grief I haven't quite gotten to yet. Haven't even wanted to look at them. But they are the Upward Turn, Reconstruction and Working Through and Acceptance and Hope. One day I will be able to tackle these loads of laundry. But the wonderful thing about laundry is that it is always there and can be put off for a while. The other wonderful thing about it is that once it is clean again it smells so amazingly wonderful!! One day I will wake up and be able to smell all my wonderful laundry and know how much hard work and dedication I put into that laundry to get it all washed, dried, folded and put away. It will be a glorious day!! Maybe by then I won't hate laundry so much either because let's face it, it will never go away. It will lessen over time as kids grow up and move away, but it will never completely go away. Just like my grief. It will get easier to handle over time but it will never completely go away.
The first one was a little easier to sort through. Shock and Denial. Dustin dying was a total and complete shock to everyone. Mostly to me. And it made absolutely no sense as to why such a young, strong and healthy man could die! But, the briefings from the military immediately following the news definitely helped me to sort that away pretty quick. This pile still lingers, but it is not as big as it was before and is a little easier to fold and continuously put away.
The second one I am still slightly stuck in. Pain and Guilt. His passing literally physically hurt me. The hurt is not as bad as it was almost 8 months ago, but it still is very much there. And many times I feel horrible guilt about his passing. He was alone, was he afraid? Was he in a lot of pain? Did he suffer for long, if he suffered at all? Did he wonder where I was? Did he want me there to comfort him? All of these questions I will never know the answer to and sometimes they eat me alive. This pile of grief is much easier to let pile up and try to push out of my mind. Let's be honest here, who wants to think about this all the time? I sure as hell don't! Although, this stage is getting easier to handle. I am slowly but surely learning how to fold this one up and put it away.
The third one I have completely been able to wash, dry, fold and put away. It is Anger and Bargaining. I am not a very angry person to begin with but I was definitely pretty angry with my Heavenly Father's plan for my life when I found out about his passing. With this one, though, I spent a lot of time making sure I found all the miss matching socks, folded them and put them away. Being angry and trying to bargain for something you can't bargain for is not worth it. We all have learned from Dustin's passing that life is too short to stay angry. And none of us make it out of this world alive. So, what is the point in continuing to be angry and racking my brain as to how I could've stopped him from dying? None, so I decided to complete this load and no longer have to watch it pile up!
The forth is where I am definitely currently at. Reflection and Loneliness. Let me just tell you this is the BIGGEST pile of laundry I have ever had to wash in my entire life. It is way easier to let this one sit there, pile up and stink than it is to actually take care of it. Do you like to be lonely? Do you like reflecting on how your life is and what you thought it would be? Nope, me neither. Being lonely is the worst feeling in the entire world, especially if you were used to being able to talk to someone you loved daily! So I love filling my time with worthless TV, food, shopping, running dumb errands that I probably don't need to run. But I do it anyway. I do it so that I don't have to sit there alone. In my house. With no one to talk to about every little detail that happened throughout my day. No one to give me feedback on what I can do better on the next day. No one that fully understands my kids, me. Yes, I know that many of you have told me that I can message you or call you any time of day or night. But lets be real here folks. You have a life!! I have a life. As much as we want to be there for each other, we just simply aren't able to. And unfortunately no one will be able to replace Dustin. But that is ok. I don't need to replace him. I don't need to feel pity for myself anymore. (Well maybe sometimes I do) But I need to learn to accept that this is my life, whether I was ready for this or not. It is my life. And before I can take care of my kids, I need to reflect on myself, realize that I will be lonely for however long it takes me to fold this pile and put it away. Because currently I am having to do about a million loads for it to all get clean!! And I will get there, slowly but surely I will be able to say that I washed, dried, folded and put away the biggest load of laundry I have ever had to do! No matter how long it takes me!!
The last few steps of grief I haven't quite gotten to yet. Haven't even wanted to look at them. But they are the Upward Turn, Reconstruction and Working Through and Acceptance and Hope. One day I will be able to tackle these loads of laundry. But the wonderful thing about laundry is that it is always there and can be put off for a while. The other wonderful thing about it is that once it is clean again it smells so amazingly wonderful!! One day I will wake up and be able to smell all my wonderful laundry and know how much hard work and dedication I put into that laundry to get it all washed, dried, folded and put away. It will be a glorious day!! Maybe by then I won't hate laundry so much either because let's face it, it will never go away. It will lessen over time as kids grow up and move away, but it will never completely go away. Just like my grief. It will get easier to handle over time but it will never completely go away.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Time
It's been a little longer than normal from my last post. I have been going through many different emotions in these past couple weeks. But one that is the elephant in the room for me is precious time. What is time? Well the dictionary says it is a limited period or interval. But what does time mean to you? I am going to tell you what it means to me.
Have any of you heard the new Nickelback song "What Are You Waiting For"? If you haven't, it is a must hear. You see music plays a major role in my everyday life and it is my way of hearing what I need to hear from Dustin or Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost. It always has been and feels as if it is even more so now than ever. The lyrics to that song speak to me. They tell me what I feel Dustin would be telling me. To stop sitting in this "waiting room" and move forward. I am going to write out the majority of the song lyrics for you so you can see what I am talking about.
What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
Are you waiting on a lightening strike?
Are you waiting for the perfect night?
Are you waiting 'till the time is right?
What are you waiting for?
Don't you wanna learn to deal with fear?
Don't you wanna take the wheel and steer?
Don't you wait another minute here?
What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
You gotta go and reach for the top
Believe in every dream that you got
You're only living once so tell me
What are you waiting for?
You know you gotta give it your all
And don't you be afraid if you fall
You're only living once so tell me
What are you waiting for?
Are you waiting for the right excuse?
Are you waiting for a sign to choose?
While you're waiting it's the time you loose.
What are you waiting for?
You know you gotta give it your all
And don't you be afraid if you fall
You're only living once so tell me
What are you waiting for?
Tell me what you're waiting for
Show me what you're aiming for
What you gonna save it for?
So what you really waiting for?
Everybody's gonna make mistakes
But everybody's got a choice to make
Everybody needs a leap of faith
When are you taking yours?
What are you waiting for?
When I heard this song and read the lyrics I could almost hear him talking to me, telling me to take that leap of faith I've been so afraid to take, for good reason.
Before this song came out, time to me was just the passing of everyday. I couldn't rewind it so I had to live in it. The sun would come up, I'd fill my day with a lot of crap and then the sun would go down. I wanted each day to hurry up and be done so I could go to bed, wake up and hurry through the next day and continue this the the remainder of my earthly days so that I could be with him again. But what I was doing was letting each and every day pass and not have a lick of meaning to me other that it was closer to my day to be called home. Kinda depressing huh? Yup. But what I wasn't doing was facing my fear, moving forward. This song from Nickelback helped me put into perspective how poorly I was managing my time. I wasn't making each moment count and that is what I need to do the most. Our kids don't deserve a mom who is cranky all the time because all she wants is to die so she can be with her love again. They deserve a mom who is happy and wants to show them life, how to live it to its fullest and enjoy every last moment we have. I don't deserve to be miserable. I don't deserve to sit and be so lonely for the rest of my life. I am so full of life and love, why do I need to waste my days being so miserable? Why do I need to be so cranky with our wonderfully crazy kids? That's exactly what he is telling me in this song. I don't. I don't need to be miserable. I can still grieve for loosing him, but I don't need to wait around anymore, afraid to move forward. I need to have an open mind and an open heart for what comes my way. I need to stare fear right in the face and not let it stop me anymore. I need to stop waiting for the right time to move forward. If I sit around and wait for that, I might never get the chance to experience life, love and happiness again. So from this point on, I will not let fear stand in my way. I will face my fear of moving forward and tell it to go shove itself up a very high post and stop getting in my way. Nothing is going to stop me from feeling happy again, nothing is going to stop me from possibly loving again, nothing is going to stop me from living my life to the fullest and enjoying every minute of it. Because in the end all we have is time and it is not meant to be passed with misery.
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