M.I.A.

It's been a while since I've written.  A LLLOOOOOOOONNGGGGG while to be exact.  I guess it could be longer, but here I am, feeling the need to finally write again.  The start of year three was, as every start to a new year is, scary and new.  I knew my grief had changed.  I knew my kids' grief had changed.  What I didn't know was the challenges it would bring.

For the first time in my entire life, I can honestly say that I've actually, really struggled with getting out of bed every morning.  They say that in the first stages of grief that is completely normal.  Well, I must have missed that part of that stage, because it was easy for me to keep going then.  Now?  It's a completely different story.  But life has also drastically changed since then.  I look back on that time and honestly wish I could go back, compared to what I am dealing with now.  

Every morning, around 5a, I hear the stomps of little feet and loud screams and yells of children who are up and ready to start their day.  But, because of their change in grief, if I don't meet them out by a certain time, they start to panic that I have died or that I have disappeared.  So if I try to catch a few more zzz's or I pray a little longer so that I can try to have more patience, I am quickly bombarded with terrified children who have now started their day in complete panic mode.  What a way to start the day, huh?!  Once a day is started in panic mode, its hard to shift out of it.  So I am then dealing with multiple children who have panic attacks several times throughout the day and into the night.  On days we don't start in panic, we start in sensory overload.  Which also involves a lot of screaming and crying.  Almost identical to panic attacks, but worse because it deals with the sensory systems and there are certain things you can't control with that.  All of these things happen before 8a, or earlier.  

Now, while these panic attacks and sensory meltdowns are happening, those who are not directly affected by them are getting into trouble.  And I'm not talking easy mess to clean up.  I'm talking those crazy messes that you see on social media that the parents have recorded and gone viral for.  Only difference for me is that I usually don't have the time to record what has been done.  So I go from helping kids with panic attacks and sensory meltdowns (which is a CRAZY emotional roller coaster as a parent) to finding a HUGE mess(es) that I'm not even sure how to clean up!  All of which is usually happening before 10a-11a.  

I then have to figure out how to feed four of the PICKIEST eaters I've ever known, lunch.  How in the world do you do that after the type of morning I've just had?!  Extreme picky eaters are no joke and will literally starve before they will eat what you fixed.  And what you fixed could be what they asked for, but its too brown, or too cold, or too hot, or was cooked differently, etc.  So now you are stuck with kids who refuse to eat and are whining and complaining that they are starving and are then blaming you for making them starve.  SO SUPER FUN, RIGHT?!?!?!

By noon everyday, I've reached my patience limit.  But, there are still S E V E N hours until bed time.  We try to have quiet time, which is successful most of the time.  Unless Speedy Gonzales finishes all of their books to read, puzzles to do, pattern play to work on and coloring pages to color.  Then I have the million questions of what can I do now?  Can I . . . Over and over again until the youngest wakes up from her nap, crankier than before, because she didn't get to nap as long as she needed.  By then its only 1:30p-2p.  Now there are four hours to fill and zero patience to fill them with.  Somehow, and with the help of my grandma, brother and his girlfriend and my mom, I can make it through dinner time and make sure everyone is fed.  Dealing with the same extreme picky eating challenges I face at lunch.

Then it is finally bath and bed time.  Oh what a glorious time of day!!  Well, it should be right?  Not for me.  Bath time brings more sensory challenges with different kids than from the morning routine.  I usually end up soaked with soap everywhere and so does the bathroom.  As well as any animal that decided to join in on the "bathroom fun."  We then come to bed time and I am faced with kids who either can't fall asleep because they are terrified I am going to leave them or if I step foot outside that I will die, or who can fall asleep fast but not stay asleep because of night terrors.

We also have days filled with appointments.  These appointments aren't just any regular old appointment either.  They are specialist appointments because we aren't the "healthiest" family on the block.  So we spend a majority of our time in the car.  Going here there and everywhere.  Let's just say that you know you have a lot of appointments because when school's in, the registrar at your kids' school knows you on a first name/personal basis, knows your kids in the same way as well as what teacher they have, what room number they're in and knows if they are absent/tardy to just mark them as excused without having to call and clarify because you always come with Dr.'s notes.

Within these crazy, busy, highly emotionally, challenging days there still needs to be time carved out for light, I'm talking seriously light, housework.  Scratch that, I'm talking the necessities to keep our house and clothes clean!!  Let alone saving time for my brain to slow down long enough to actually sleep and let my mind and body recover from everything that happened that day!!

So this is why I have been M.I.A.  for the past 4 months.  And I don't write all of this for sympathy, I write all of this so if I have ignored you, haven't been super talkative, have had R.B.F. (in full force) or have hid away in my house, you understand why.  It's not easy being a truly single mother.  Let alone all of the medical issues and conditions we do have with their new grief mixed into that.  Just know that I am M.I.A. for good reasons . . . I am helping my kids navigate their new challenges that come from deep within themselves.  Some of which we are learning to control and some of which we just flat out can't control and are learning to cope with.  

   

My New Season of Grief

So I am now a month in to year three of loosing Dustin.  YEAR THREE!!  How has it been three years already?!  It feels like an eternity to me, but it also feels like it was yesterday.  I guess that's grief's way of putting it into perspective for me.  I've noticed something about my grief though and I don't think a lot of people know or understand where grief has taken me.

Year one was rough. 

      So many firsts.

      So much to wrap my brain around.

      So much to figure out.

      So much self-induced pressure to make life as perfect as it can be.

Year two was even harder!

     So much feeling and emotions surfaced.

     So many second firsts that actually could be remembered and felt.

     So much guilt for trying to hold on to a life that wasn't living anymore.

     So many unfamiliar situations that I had to face "alone."

But where has all of this, and much more, brought me?  It has brought me to where I am today.  It has made me who I am today because I didn't let any of it stop me.  

After my first year of being a widow, I went to a Widow's Conference.  In that conference I learned a very important lesson.  I was taught that it is OK to be sad, mad, frustrated and discouraged, but its not OK to stay there.  It is OK to give myself time limits to feel those negative emotions, but its not OK to unpack and stay in those emotions all the time.

Starting year three, I realized that a lot of people thought I would still be so incredibly sad that Dustin died.  But I am here to tell you that I am not nearly as sad as I used to be.  And it is because of what I learned at that Widow's Conference.  Life doesn't just stop when you loose your spouse.  So you are forced to make a choice.  To unpack and live in that horrible pity party, or to let yourself feel your emotions, work through them and let them go.  

My new season of grief involves random grief triggers that you didn't know existed.  It involves explaining again to my kids what happened to their dad, why it happened, when they will see him again and it not affecting me so badly that I'm paralyzed for the rest of the day.  It involves figuring out how to keep him alive in the appropriate way for my kids.  It involves figuring out how to be a single parent in the best way I can be, doing the best I can with what I have and being OK with that.  It involves being the only voice for myself and my kids.  It involves so much more than what meets the eye because its just become a part of who I am.  

I am grief.  

Grief is me.  

But it doesn't stop me like it used to.  It doesn't paralyze me like it used to.  It doesn't fog my brain as badly as it used to.  It is my new season of grief and I am excited to see what I can do with it!!     

My Intricately Calloused Heart

As I sit here on the eve of what should be my 8th wedding anniversary, I can't help but notice everything I'm not feeling anymore.  There has been so much to feel in the past 2 years and 10 months that I've lost all of the feeling in my heart. 

Several years ago, Dustin and I always made this night a special night.  It was our thing.  Our tradition to start celebrating our anniversary.  We didn't have hardly any money so we wanted to make sure we made our anniversary as special as possible and let it last as long as possible.  We'd reminisce through our wedding pictures, joke about the things that went wrong, bask in our love for each other and eventually fall asleep next to each other.  It was a special night for us and we looked forward to it every year.  

The January before Dustin left for Korea, we FINALLY got to celebrate our anniversary by actually going out.  My amazing sister gave us a paid in full, including the babysitter, date night for our Christmas present.  We immediately knew we wanted to save it for celebrating our 5th anniversary.  Perfect one to finally be able to celebrate!!  5 years!!  We had made it to 5 years of marriage, had 3 healthy kids with a fourth on the way, several moves and apartments, a base house, several cars and too many animals to count.  But we had survived it all!  The good, the bad and the ugly.  That night is one I will never forget!  It was the most perfect night we could've ever asked for.  Little did I know that would be the very last anniversary I'd be celebrating with him alive, though.

After I lost Dustin, I didn't know how to celebrate our anniversary anymore.  How do you celebrate something so meaningful when the person you want to celebrate with is no longer alive?!  I decided I'd keep up our traditions that first anniversary and just write it in my journal.  I quickly realized that was too painful.  The next year I decided to celebrate it with our kids.  Good idea in theory, right?  They could care less right now because of their ages.  Which I get.  But now that brings me to tonight. 

Numb.

Emotionless.

Detached.

How?  How did I end up here?  Let me tell you.  In grief there is so much physical pain that you start to not feel anymore.  Things just seem to not even register on the rector scale of pain because you've gone so long feeling deep, immense pain in every second of every day.  You know the ones you see in the hospitals where they have the faces and ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10?  Yeah, this pain is so deep, no number could equate to it.  So, you start to form this big, rough callous over your heart to try and help save it from breaking into more pieces than it already has.  

Now this pain sits there, getting deeper and deeper as the days pass without your person.  It is a pain that is nonstop.  It racks your spirit, mind and body.  All day, everyday.  And as you experience more life, this callous you've formed on your heart gets rougher in different spots because it has to.  If it doesn't, you're afraid that you'll feel too much and then your mind will take you back to that day, those weeks and months right after they died.  And then you have this wave of emotions come over you that you can't control.  You don't know how long they will remain either, so out of fear, you work so hard to build that callous bigger and in a new spot.  One you honestly didn't think would matter, but it does.  It matters so much you'd rather be numb to it than feel any of it at all.  Which is why I am numb, emotionless and detached tonight.  I have had almost 3 years now of many life events I didn't think would matter.  But they did and I needed to make my intricate callous.    

Will this ever go away?  Maybe one day.  When I'm so old that I've experienced all that life has to offer me.  But for now, this is how I live my life.  One intricately placed callous at a time.  And I still have a lot of life to live, so I suspect my callous to be the most beautifully intricate calloused heart you ever did see.         

Pulling Weeds

Well, well, well.  2016 is coming to an end.  Where in the world did the year go?!  I'm still baffled as to where 2015 went.  Really don't remember much from that year.  And I feel like now that 2016 is ending, I'm finally beginning.    

Yesterday I decided to go out back with my kiddos.  To watch them play and enjoy the beautiful weather. As I was basking in the beauty of it all I noticed TONS of weeds.  We've had lots of rain here lately and when there is lots of rain, there are lots of weeds.  So I decided I was going to pull them so that our backyard could be beautiful once again.

As I started pulling the weeds I found some interesting things.  The first thing I found were some worms.  I picked some up to show the kids and they all squealed and ran away.  Then I found a dead lizard that was completely intact and then I found multiple dead lizards, but half eaten.  So a half eaten lizard graveyard, probably started by good ol'Tipps, our cat.  Well finding those things didn't stop me.  I discarded them and kept pulling away.  Then I realized something!  I had the Aha! moment I'd been looking for all year!

Pulling these weeds and finding all of this nastiness amongst them is just like life!!

You're probable asking, What the F       !!!  But let me explain.

Weeds are unpleasant, worms are gross and dead lizards, whole or half eaten, are disgusting.  But, yesterday I made the choice to take all of those unpleasant, gross and disgusting things out of my backyard because I wanted to keep it beautiful!!  I could've just as well left them there and stopped at the first set of weeds, worm or dead lizard.  I was determined though.  I was determined to make my backyard pretty again.

Are you following?

You see, I made the choice to deal with all of the nastiness so that I could make my backyard beautiful.  Just like in my life, I am given the choices to choose whether or not I want to take out the stressful, nasty and disheartening things that stand in my way.  I have the free agency to make my life what I want it to be.  

Now, will it happen by pulling only one weed?  No-sir-y!!  It will happen by pulling all of the weeds, at my own pace, as I see fit.  And there will be things like worms and dead lizards along the way to make pulling those weeds a little harder?  Yes, of course!!  But if I keep at it, discarding those things, I will make my life just what I want it to be!    

The FINE Line

So recently I've noticed that I seem to have some pet peeves that I never had before Dustin died.  But, in all reality, I didn't need to have them because I wasn't a widow yet.  Tonight I am going to do my best at explaining one of my biggest pet peeves since starting this widow journey.

Back when I was first widowed life was a blur.  I honestly don't even remember giving birth to TessieAnn I was in such a fog.  But as that fog faded and I started to realize my world was totally different, I started noticing how different things really bugged me.  We all have our pet peeves and they differ from person to person as well as severity.  Some things are easily brushed off where as others really hit home and aren't as easy to shake.  This pet peeve of mine isn't as easy to shake . . .

As a widowed mother to four kids, I have a village that is helping me raise them.  Those that are in my village have come to know us post loss and accept us for who we are now.  Whether they be family or friends, they know and love us for who we are.  As a widowed mother to four kids, I also have an outside circle of family and friends who aren't as close to us (no offense intended) that still know and love us for who we are but don't quite understand where we are now.  Which is where my pet peeve comes in.

I don't think any harm is intended when this pet peeve occurs.  But, it is something I feel that needs to be talked about.  So here it goes.

My biggest pet peeve is when people start talking about Dustin's death in a negative connotation, asking me what he would've thought in a current situation and just harping on the fact that he isn't here anymore to experience his life.

BOOM.  I said it.  Now the question is why?  Why do I let these things bother me?

Well my friends, grief work is no easy task.  It takes A LOT of mental, physical and spiritual meditation to get through all of the emotions felt after loosing your spouse and is a constant work in progress.  So when someone talks negatively about your spouse dying (like he shouldn't have died that way, he shouldn't have died that young, he shouldn't have gone to Korea etc), asks what I think Dustin would be feeling, thinking or doing in a certain situation or harps on the fact that his life was cut short and that he is missing out on all of these wonderful things with his kids and me, it sets me back several steps because it puts me back to some of the beginning stages of my grief and all of my own emotions that surrounded all of those very true statements.  It's a very fine line yet a very thick fine line.

Is it sad that Dustin died the way he did?  Yes.  Is it sad that Dustin died at only 24 years of age?  Yes.  Is is sad that he was alone, in Korea when he died?  Yes.  Is it sad that he is missing out on our entire lives here on earth?  Yes.  Do I know what he would think, feel or be doing with current events of our lives?  Nope, not a clue.  I have an idea, but people grow and learn as life goes on and it has been just over 2 1/2 years since he's been gone.  A lot has changed since then and I can honestly say that I don't know what he would be doing, thinking or feeling.

Once you loose your spouse, your whole world changes.  Your whole perspective of life changes.  Your whole thought process as a parent changes.  The way you look at yourself changes.  All of which are a part of life and growing and progressing.  So to be reminded of such a dark time in your life in such a negative way, is just a killer.  I'm a firm believer that the past is the past and you can either live, learn and progress from it, or you can lie in it, linger and stay put.  I don't know about you, but I prefer to live, learn and progress.

Life WithOUT You

Earlier today all I kept thinking was, I really wish Dustin was here.  I need him in the worlds worst way.  I need his help.  I need his comforting words.  I need him to be here for our kids.  I need him for me.  You see, I am facing a new round of grief.  One I'm becoming familiar with as the days turn into months and the months turn into years.  One I'm learning to live with.

One thing a lot of people feel and think is that there is a time limit on grief.  Well, apparently these people have never lost someone so close and significant to them because they are full of shit.  When you loose someone so close to you, like I wrote in my previous post, there is this void that can never be filled.  You have to learn how to live with this void and that is no easy task.

Lately I have been greatly struggling to stay afloat.  At least that's how I feel.  When you don't have another adult in the home, who knows how your household runs and knows your kids, knows you, you get lost in your own thoughts very quickly and easily.  And these thoughts can be a wide array of things.  So not having another voice of reason with you is hard.  Flat out hard.  So as today progressed, my thoughts also progressed.

I can't do this.  I'm always 10 steps behind.  Why can't I finish laundry?  What new way can I display the routine chart so everyone can see it and complete the items in a timely manner?  How am I going to teach them to do this?  How am I going to accomplish that?  Etc, etc.  All of these thoughts and more run rabid in my brain and I don't have "my person" here with me anymore that can help calm them.  So they run and run and run until I have a panic attack and crash.  Which is what happened today.

I got to bath time and thought to myself, How great would it be to have my relief pitcher come home right now?  I'd feel so much more secure, calm and at peace and my crashing panic attack would disappear in a moments notice.  But, then that haunting thought came into my mind again, he won't ever come back home.  He won't ever be my relief pitcher again.  And that my friends, is a rough thing to continue to realize.

When you finally don't have the widow fog anymore and are able to really start thinking again, you realize that life must go on.  Life needs to start where you are.  Not where you left off.  If you start where you left off, you'll be stuck forever.  Trying to wrap your brain around the whole situation.  So, like I've written before, you start a whole new routine.  A whole new life learning to live without them.

For me, I've had to figure out how to live without daily relief.  Dustin was so good at being my teammate.  We worked in our home as a team so we could spend more time together.  I've had to set boundaries for myself so that I can stay positive.  Like putting positive and uplifting quotes next to old pictures of us so I can feel as if he's telling me those things, so I keep going.  I've had to make myself do other things so that I'm not sitting here on the couch watching mindless TV to numb everything that happened throughout my day.  Recently I've taken to reading books.  Lots of books.  I've had to do so much soul searching that I feel so mentally exhausted and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of a day.  It's been hard learning to be accountable for myself when I was so used to being accountable with him.

I know I say it all the time, but this, learning to live without him, has been the hardest trial I've had to face yet.  Loosing him was the easy part.  Well, sort of.  But learning to go on in this life without him has felt almost impossible lately.  It is a momentary battle I face all day, every day.  And most days, I really don't like it.  But I keep persevering because I know the more faithful I am, the more diligent I am and the more I show that I accept God's plan for me, the better my reunion with him will be.  I will continue to learn to live without him so that when the time has come, I can be with him for all of eternity :)

Void with Security

So last night I was laying in bed scrolling through Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest.  Like I always do.  Every night.  And that's when it hit me.  I am filling a void.  I am trying to fill the emptiness my soul feels.  Every.  Single.  Minute.  Of every.  Single.  Day.

Why?  Why am I torturing myself with this every night?  And MULTIPLE times during the day?  Because I feel empty.  I feel a major void in my heart, mind and soul and I'm trying to fill it.

So, why did it take me 2 1/2 years to finally realize that I am trying to fill a void?  Because the whole first year is a complete shock, the second year is figuring out how to live life again and the start of your brain regaining its ground.  As more time passes, it comes back even more and you're able to think about things on a deeper level.  And when that light bulb went off last night, I actually saw it for what it is.  For what it has been since he died in March of 2014.

A very dear friend of mine tagged me in a music video on Facebook last week and the song resonated with me more than anything ever has.  The song is called "Jealous of the Angels."  Its about a loved one being taken too soon and the grief that follows the shock of hearing that news, how there is another angel around the throne that night and being jealous of the angels around that throne.  I have not cried that hard, probably since the day he died.  But it's because I've been trying to fill that void instead of facing it.

Sometimes when you loose someone so close to you, who meant so much to you and was so much a part of your life, a part of you, it's hard to face the fact that they really truly are gone and that you have to go on living without them.  That you have to go on raising your kids without them while also trying to keep their spirit alive for them.  How can that be done when you feel so empty?  How can you do this when you feel a HUGE void in your heart?  How can you do this when your heart literally cringes when you look at pictures of them?  Or think of memories with them in it?  It's an answer I'm still diligently searching for and doing my best with in the mean time.

One thing I do know is that the more their name is spoken, the more memories are talked about and the more you are forced to look at pictures, the easier it becomes.  The hurt is still there.  And it is there very deep.  But it becomes lighter in the sense of security.  You still have those memories of them.  You still hear their name.  You still see the happiness in those captured memories on film.  The void will always be there and trying to fill it with nonsense only makes it deeper.  You aren't tackling that void.  You aren't filling it with the right objects.  I'm working on finding those right objects.  I know a few really good ones.  It's a matter of making them the priority and making them the security to my void so that I can build a bridge above it.

I will never overcome this void.  It is not something that can be overcome.  I will make this void a sense of security, though.  I will build that bridge and make it the strongest bridge anyone has ever seen.  It will be my void with security.