Well, well, well. 2016 is coming to an end. Where in the world did the year go?! I'm still baffled as to where 2015 went. Really don't remember much from that year. And I feel like now that 2016 is ending, I'm finally beginning.
Yesterday I decided to go out back with my kiddos. To watch them play and enjoy the beautiful weather. As I was basking in the beauty of it all I noticed TONS of weeds. We've had lots of rain here lately and when there is lots of rain, there are lots of weeds. So I decided I was going to pull them so that our backyard could be beautiful once again.
As I started pulling the weeds I found some interesting things. The first thing I found were some worms. I picked some up to show the kids and they all squealed and ran away. Then I found a dead lizard that was completely intact and then I found multiple dead lizards, but half eaten. So a half eaten lizard graveyard, probably started by good ol'Tipps, our cat. Well finding those things didn't stop me. I discarded them and kept pulling away. Then I realized something! I had the Aha! moment I'd been looking for all year!
Pulling these weeds and finding all of this nastiness amongst them is just like life!!
You're probable asking, What the F !!! But let me explain.
Weeds are unpleasant, worms are gross and dead lizards, whole or half eaten, are disgusting. But, yesterday I made the choice to take all of those unpleasant, gross and disgusting things out of my backyard because I wanted to keep it beautiful!! I could've just as well left them there and stopped at the first set of weeds, worm or dead lizard. I was determined though. I was determined to make my backyard pretty again.
Are you following?
You see, I made the choice to deal with all of the nastiness so that I could make my backyard beautiful. Just like in my life, I am given the choices to choose whether or not I want to take out the stressful, nasty and disheartening things that stand in my way. I have the free agency to make my life what I want it to be.
Now, will it happen by pulling only one weed? No-sir-y!! It will happen by pulling all of the weeds, at my own pace, as I see fit. And there will be things like worms and dead lizards along the way to make pulling those weeds a little harder? Yes, of course!! But if I keep at it, discarding those things, I will make my life just what I want it to be!
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Friday, November 4, 2016
The FINE Line
So recently I've noticed that I seem to have some pet peeves that I never had before Dustin died. But, in all reality, I didn't need to have them because I wasn't a widow yet. Tonight I am going to do my best at explaining one of my biggest pet peeves since starting this widow journey.
Back when I was first widowed life was a blur. I honestly don't even remember giving birth to TessieAnn I was in such a fog. But as that fog faded and I started to realize my world was totally different, I started noticing how different things really bugged me. We all have our pet peeves and they differ from person to person as well as severity. Some things are easily brushed off where as others really hit home and aren't as easy to shake. This pet peeve of mine isn't as easy to shake . . .
As a widowed mother to four kids, I have a village that is helping me raise them. Those that are in my village have come to know us post loss and accept us for who we are now. Whether they be family or friends, they know and love us for who we are. As a widowed mother to four kids, I also have an outside circle of family and friends who aren't as close to us (no offense intended) that still know and love us for who we are but don't quite understand where we are now. Which is where my pet peeve comes in.
I don't think any harm is intended when this pet peeve occurs. But, it is something I feel that needs to be talked about. So here it goes.
My biggest pet peeve is when people start talking about Dustin's death in a negative connotation, asking me what he would've thought in a current situation and just harping on the fact that he isn't here anymore to experience his life.
BOOM. I said it. Now the question is why? Why do I let these things bother me?
Well my friends, grief work is no easy task. It takes A LOT of mental, physical and spiritual meditation to get through all of the emotions felt after loosing your spouse and is a constant work in progress. So when someone talks negatively about your spouse dying (like he shouldn't have died that way, he shouldn't have died that young, he shouldn't have gone to Korea etc), asks what I think Dustin would be feeling, thinking or doing in a certain situation or harps on the fact that his life was cut short and that he is missing out on all of these wonderful things with his kids and me, it sets me back several steps because it puts me back to some of the beginning stages of my grief and all of my own emotions that surrounded all of those very true statements. It's a very fine line yet a very thick fine line.
Is it sad that Dustin died the way he did? Yes. Is it sad that Dustin died at only 24 years of age? Yes. Is is sad that he was alone, in Korea when he died? Yes. Is it sad that he is missing out on our entire lives here on earth? Yes. Do I know what he would think, feel or be doing with current events of our lives? Nope, not a clue. I have an idea, but people grow and learn as life goes on and it has been just over 2 1/2 years since he's been gone. A lot has changed since then and I can honestly say that I don't know what he would be doing, thinking or feeling.
Once you loose your spouse, your whole world changes. Your whole perspective of life changes. Your whole thought process as a parent changes. The way you look at yourself changes. All of which are a part of life and growing and progressing. So to be reminded of such a dark time in your life in such a negative way, is just a killer. I'm a firm believer that the past is the past and you can either live, learn and progress from it, or you can lie in it, linger and stay put. I don't know about you, but I prefer to live, learn and progress.
Back when I was first widowed life was a blur. I honestly don't even remember giving birth to TessieAnn I was in such a fog. But as that fog faded and I started to realize my world was totally different, I started noticing how different things really bugged me. We all have our pet peeves and they differ from person to person as well as severity. Some things are easily brushed off where as others really hit home and aren't as easy to shake. This pet peeve of mine isn't as easy to shake . . .
As a widowed mother to four kids, I have a village that is helping me raise them. Those that are in my village have come to know us post loss and accept us for who we are now. Whether they be family or friends, they know and love us for who we are. As a widowed mother to four kids, I also have an outside circle of family and friends who aren't as close to us (no offense intended) that still know and love us for who we are but don't quite understand where we are now. Which is where my pet peeve comes in.
I don't think any harm is intended when this pet peeve occurs. But, it is something I feel that needs to be talked about. So here it goes.
My biggest pet peeve is when people start talking about Dustin's death in a negative connotation, asking me what he would've thought in a current situation and just harping on the fact that he isn't here anymore to experience his life.
BOOM. I said it. Now the question is why? Why do I let these things bother me?
Well my friends, grief work is no easy task. It takes A LOT of mental, physical and spiritual meditation to get through all of the emotions felt after loosing your spouse and is a constant work in progress. So when someone talks negatively about your spouse dying (like he shouldn't have died that way, he shouldn't have died that young, he shouldn't have gone to Korea etc), asks what I think Dustin would be feeling, thinking or doing in a certain situation or harps on the fact that his life was cut short and that he is missing out on all of these wonderful things with his kids and me, it sets me back several steps because it puts me back to some of the beginning stages of my grief and all of my own emotions that surrounded all of those very true statements. It's a very fine line yet a very thick fine line.
Is it sad that Dustin died the way he did? Yes. Is it sad that Dustin died at only 24 years of age? Yes. Is is sad that he was alone, in Korea when he died? Yes. Is it sad that he is missing out on our entire lives here on earth? Yes. Do I know what he would think, feel or be doing with current events of our lives? Nope, not a clue. I have an idea, but people grow and learn as life goes on and it has been just over 2 1/2 years since he's been gone. A lot has changed since then and I can honestly say that I don't know what he would be doing, thinking or feeling.
Once you loose your spouse, your whole world changes. Your whole perspective of life changes. Your whole thought process as a parent changes. The way you look at yourself changes. All of which are a part of life and growing and progressing. So to be reminded of such a dark time in your life in such a negative way, is just a killer. I'm a firm believer that the past is the past and you can either live, learn and progress from it, or you can lie in it, linger and stay put. I don't know about you, but I prefer to live, learn and progress.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Life WithOUT You
Earlier today all I kept thinking was, I really wish Dustin was here. I need him in the worlds worst way. I need his help. I need his comforting words. I need him to be here for our kids. I need him for me. You see, I am facing a new round of grief. One I'm becoming familiar with as the days turn into months and the months turn into years. One I'm learning to live with.
One thing a lot of people feel and think is that there is a time limit on grief. Well, apparently these people have never lost someone so close and significant to them because they are full of shit. When you loose someone so close to you, like I wrote in my previous post, there is this void that can never be filled. You have to learn how to live with this void and that is no easy task.
Lately I have been greatly struggling to stay afloat. At least that's how I feel. When you don't have another adult in the home, who knows how your household runs and knows your kids, knows you, you get lost in your own thoughts very quickly and easily. And these thoughts can be a wide array of things. So not having another voice of reason with you is hard. Flat out hard. So as today progressed, my thoughts also progressed.
I can't do this. I'm always 10 steps behind. Why can't I finish laundry? What new way can I display the routine chart so everyone can see it and complete the items in a timely manner? How am I going to teach them to do this? How am I going to accomplish that? Etc, etc. All of these thoughts and more run rabid in my brain and I don't have "my person" here with me anymore that can help calm them. So they run and run and run until I have a panic attack and crash. Which is what happened today.
I got to bath time and thought to myself, How great would it be to have my relief pitcher come home right now? I'd feel so much more secure, calm and at peace and my crashing panic attack would disappear in a moments notice. But, then that haunting thought came into my mind again, he won't ever come back home. He won't ever be my relief pitcher again. And that my friends, is a rough thing to continue to realize.
When you finally don't have the widow fog anymore and are able to really start thinking again, you realize that life must go on. Life needs to start where you are. Not where you left off. If you start where you left off, you'll be stuck forever. Trying to wrap your brain around the whole situation. So, like I've written before, you start a whole new routine. A whole new life learning to live without them.
For me, I've had to figure out how to live without daily relief. Dustin was so good at being my teammate. We worked in our home as a team so we could spend more time together. I've had to set boundaries for myself so that I can stay positive. Like putting positive and uplifting quotes next to old pictures of us so I can feel as if he's telling me those things, so I keep going. I've had to make myself do other things so that I'm not sitting here on the couch watching mindless TV to numb everything that happened throughout my day. Recently I've taken to reading books. Lots of books. I've had to do so much soul searching that I feel so mentally exhausted and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of a day. It's been hard learning to be accountable for myself when I was so used to being accountable with him.
I know I say it all the time, but this, learning to live without him, has been the hardest trial I've had to face yet. Loosing him was the easy part. Well, sort of. But learning to go on in this life without him has felt almost impossible lately. It is a momentary battle I face all day, every day. And most days, I really don't like it. But I keep persevering because I know the more faithful I am, the more diligent I am and the more I show that I accept God's plan for me, the better my reunion with him will be. I will continue to learn to live without him so that when the time has come, I can be with him for all of eternity :)
One thing a lot of people feel and think is that there is a time limit on grief. Well, apparently these people have never lost someone so close and significant to them because they are full of shit. When you loose someone so close to you, like I wrote in my previous post, there is this void that can never be filled. You have to learn how to live with this void and that is no easy task.
Lately I have been greatly struggling to stay afloat. At least that's how I feel. When you don't have another adult in the home, who knows how your household runs and knows your kids, knows you, you get lost in your own thoughts very quickly and easily. And these thoughts can be a wide array of things. So not having another voice of reason with you is hard. Flat out hard. So as today progressed, my thoughts also progressed.
I can't do this. I'm always 10 steps behind. Why can't I finish laundry? What new way can I display the routine chart so everyone can see it and complete the items in a timely manner? How am I going to teach them to do this? How am I going to accomplish that? Etc, etc. All of these thoughts and more run rabid in my brain and I don't have "my person" here with me anymore that can help calm them. So they run and run and run until I have a panic attack and crash. Which is what happened today.
I got to bath time and thought to myself, How great would it be to have my relief pitcher come home right now? I'd feel so much more secure, calm and at peace and my crashing panic attack would disappear in a moments notice. But, then that haunting thought came into my mind again, he won't ever come back home. He won't ever be my relief pitcher again. And that my friends, is a rough thing to continue to realize.
When you finally don't have the widow fog anymore and are able to really start thinking again, you realize that life must go on. Life needs to start where you are. Not where you left off. If you start where you left off, you'll be stuck forever. Trying to wrap your brain around the whole situation. So, like I've written before, you start a whole new routine. A whole new life learning to live without them.
For me, I've had to figure out how to live without daily relief. Dustin was so good at being my teammate. We worked in our home as a team so we could spend more time together. I've had to set boundaries for myself so that I can stay positive. Like putting positive and uplifting quotes next to old pictures of us so I can feel as if he's telling me those things, so I keep going. I've had to make myself do other things so that I'm not sitting here on the couch watching mindless TV to numb everything that happened throughout my day. Recently I've taken to reading books. Lots of books. I've had to do so much soul searching that I feel so mentally exhausted and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of a day. It's been hard learning to be accountable for myself when I was so used to being accountable with him.
I know I say it all the time, but this, learning to live without him, has been the hardest trial I've had to face yet. Loosing him was the easy part. Well, sort of. But learning to go on in this life without him has felt almost impossible lately. It is a momentary battle I face all day, every day. And most days, I really don't like it. But I keep persevering because I know the more faithful I am, the more diligent I am and the more I show that I accept God's plan for me, the better my reunion with him will be. I will continue to learn to live without him so that when the time has come, I can be with him for all of eternity :)
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Void with Security
So last night I was laying in bed scrolling through Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest. Like I always do. Every night. And that's when it hit me. I am filling a void. I am trying to fill the emptiness my soul feels. Every. Single. Minute. Of every. Single. Day.
Why? Why am I torturing myself with this every night? And MULTIPLE times during the day? Because I feel empty. I feel a major void in my heart, mind and soul and I'm trying to fill it.
So, why did it take me 2 1/2 years to finally realize that I am trying to fill a void? Because the whole first year is a complete shock, the second year is figuring out how to live life again and the start of your brain regaining its ground. As more time passes, it comes back even more and you're able to think about things on a deeper level. And when that light bulb went off last night, I actually saw it for what it is. For what it has been since he died in March of 2014.
A very dear friend of mine tagged me in a music video on Facebook last week and the song resonated with me more than anything ever has. The song is called "Jealous of the Angels." Its about a loved one being taken too soon and the grief that follows the shock of hearing that news, how there is another angel around the throne that night and being jealous of the angels around that throne. I have not cried that hard, probably since the day he died. But it's because I've been trying to fill that void instead of facing it.
Sometimes when you loose someone so close to you, who meant so much to you and was so much a part of your life, a part of you, it's hard to face the fact that they really truly are gone and that you have to go on living without them. That you have to go on raising your kids without them while also trying to keep their spirit alive for them. How can that be done when you feel so empty? How can you do this when you feel a HUGE void in your heart? How can you do this when your heart literally cringes when you look at pictures of them? Or think of memories with them in it? It's an answer I'm still diligently searching for and doing my best with in the mean time.
One thing I do know is that the more their name is spoken, the more memories are talked about and the more you are forced to look at pictures, the easier it becomes. The hurt is still there. And it is there very deep. But it becomes lighter in the sense of security. You still have those memories of them. You still hear their name. You still see the happiness in those captured memories on film. The void will always be there and trying to fill it with nonsense only makes it deeper. You aren't tackling that void. You aren't filling it with the right objects. I'm working on finding those right objects. I know a few really good ones. It's a matter of making them the priority and making them the security to my void so that I can build a bridge above it.
I will never overcome this void. It is not something that can be overcome. I will make this void a sense of security, though. I will build that bridge and make it the strongest bridge anyone has ever seen. It will be my void with security.
Why? Why am I torturing myself with this every night? And MULTIPLE times during the day? Because I feel empty. I feel a major void in my heart, mind and soul and I'm trying to fill it.
So, why did it take me 2 1/2 years to finally realize that I am trying to fill a void? Because the whole first year is a complete shock, the second year is figuring out how to live life again and the start of your brain regaining its ground. As more time passes, it comes back even more and you're able to think about things on a deeper level. And when that light bulb went off last night, I actually saw it for what it is. For what it has been since he died in March of 2014.
A very dear friend of mine tagged me in a music video on Facebook last week and the song resonated with me more than anything ever has. The song is called "Jealous of the Angels." Its about a loved one being taken too soon and the grief that follows the shock of hearing that news, how there is another angel around the throne that night and being jealous of the angels around that throne. I have not cried that hard, probably since the day he died. But it's because I've been trying to fill that void instead of facing it.
Sometimes when you loose someone so close to you, who meant so much to you and was so much a part of your life, a part of you, it's hard to face the fact that they really truly are gone and that you have to go on living without them. That you have to go on raising your kids without them while also trying to keep their spirit alive for them. How can that be done when you feel so empty? How can you do this when you feel a HUGE void in your heart? How can you do this when your heart literally cringes when you look at pictures of them? Or think of memories with them in it? It's an answer I'm still diligently searching for and doing my best with in the mean time.
One thing I do know is that the more their name is spoken, the more memories are talked about and the more you are forced to look at pictures, the easier it becomes. The hurt is still there. And it is there very deep. But it becomes lighter in the sense of security. You still have those memories of them. You still hear their name. You still see the happiness in those captured memories on film. The void will always be there and trying to fill it with nonsense only makes it deeper. You aren't tackling that void. You aren't filling it with the right objects. I'm working on finding those right objects. I know a few really good ones. It's a matter of making them the priority and making them the security to my void so that I can build a bridge above it.
I will never overcome this void. It is not something that can be overcome. I will make this void a sense of security, though. I will build that bridge and make it the strongest bridge anyone has ever seen. It will be my void with security.
Friday, August 26, 2016
Clarity in my Storm
It has been W A Y too long since my last post. But there has been a lot going on in my world, my storm.
In high school I had a quote that I loved. To this day it is still one of my favorite quotes. It reads, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I never thought this quote would ring so true for me.
Back when my big storm started, there were other little storms circulating around me. As time passed, some of these storms became a little bigger and others stayed small. For a while, I didn't want to dance in them. I didn't want to face them alone. Until one day I realized that if I didn't do something, these storms were going to explode on me. So, I told myself that if I could survive the worst day of my life, these other issues couldn't be any worse.
With that, off I went into the brunt of them, taking them head on.
The biggest storm was with my son. I knew something wasn't adding up right. He was having melt down after meltdown. All day. Every day. He wasn't able to perform tasks that his younger sisters were starting to perform. So, I started asking questions to Dr.'s. Some didn't believe me and told me I needed to let hi grieve more. Others told me I needed to be a better parent. Others told me it was a phase and that he'd grow out of it. But I knew, deep down, something just wasn't right. We went to another pediatrician and my concerns were finally heard. We then started our journey with a developmental pediatrician.
This is where a small ray of sunshine peeked through my storm. She gave us a name, a reason and a diagnosis for him. She gave us a direction to go. A path to take.
This path had many specialty doctors to see. A cardiologist, neurologist, psychologist, phlebotomist and an occupational therapist. As time continued to pass and we were seeing these doctors and receiving more results, life continued to get harder with him. Every day was an even harder challenge than the one before. More issues arose and I kept having gut feelings about what I thought was going on with him. I kept hoping some one, some where down this road would see exactly what I saw. And then finally some one did.
During his appointments and my appointments with the Psychologist, the truth came out. He and I completed detailed testing and he was diagnosed with high functioning autism spectrum disorder, ADHD combined as well as anxiety. F I N A L L Y some one saw what I saw. Some one tested him with a very detailed test and found all of the areas and more that he struggles and yet is so incredibly bright in.
That storm finally gained clarity! I finally felt like I could dance in that rain!!
Now all the while this was going on, I had another, smaller storm surrounding me. My sweet middle daughter was constantly sick with strep throat. She was choking on her tonsils day and night. She wasn't able to breath out her poor little nose. We spent countless days at the doctor and even the ER. Her pediatrician referred her to an ENT and they decided that her tonsils and adenoids needed to be removed.
Well, low and behold, her surgery was happening the same week my sons detailed testing was finishing up. What a whirlwind for this momma! These two storms collided and I didn't know how I was going to muster through them. And then I remembered, they both were ending in clarity and were giving me the chance to dance right smack dab in the middle of both of them.
It hasn't been easy doing this without Dustin. But, having survived loosing him, these storms are so insignificant to me and seem so easy to dance through. I am ever so grateful to finally have the clarity I needed to push forward and to continue to be the best mom I can be for these kids.
I will forever be reminding myself, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain."
In high school I had a quote that I loved. To this day it is still one of my favorite quotes. It reads, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I never thought this quote would ring so true for me.
Back when my big storm started, there were other little storms circulating around me. As time passed, some of these storms became a little bigger and others stayed small. For a while, I didn't want to dance in them. I didn't want to face them alone. Until one day I realized that if I didn't do something, these storms were going to explode on me. So, I told myself that if I could survive the worst day of my life, these other issues couldn't be any worse.
With that, off I went into the brunt of them, taking them head on.
The biggest storm was with my son. I knew something wasn't adding up right. He was having melt down after meltdown. All day. Every day. He wasn't able to perform tasks that his younger sisters were starting to perform. So, I started asking questions to Dr.'s. Some didn't believe me and told me I needed to let hi grieve more. Others told me I needed to be a better parent. Others told me it was a phase and that he'd grow out of it. But I knew, deep down, something just wasn't right. We went to another pediatrician and my concerns were finally heard. We then started our journey with a developmental pediatrician.
This is where a small ray of sunshine peeked through my storm. She gave us a name, a reason and a diagnosis for him. She gave us a direction to go. A path to take.
This path had many specialty doctors to see. A cardiologist, neurologist, psychologist, phlebotomist and an occupational therapist. As time continued to pass and we were seeing these doctors and receiving more results, life continued to get harder with him. Every day was an even harder challenge than the one before. More issues arose and I kept having gut feelings about what I thought was going on with him. I kept hoping some one, some where down this road would see exactly what I saw. And then finally some one did.
During his appointments and my appointments with the Psychologist, the truth came out. He and I completed detailed testing and he was diagnosed with high functioning autism spectrum disorder, ADHD combined as well as anxiety. F I N A L L Y some one saw what I saw. Some one tested him with a very detailed test and found all of the areas and more that he struggles and yet is so incredibly bright in.
That storm finally gained clarity! I finally felt like I could dance in that rain!!
Now all the while this was going on, I had another, smaller storm surrounding me. My sweet middle daughter was constantly sick with strep throat. She was choking on her tonsils day and night. She wasn't able to breath out her poor little nose. We spent countless days at the doctor and even the ER. Her pediatrician referred her to an ENT and they decided that her tonsils and adenoids needed to be removed.
Well, low and behold, her surgery was happening the same week my sons detailed testing was finishing up. What a whirlwind for this momma! These two storms collided and I didn't know how I was going to muster through them. And then I remembered, they both were ending in clarity and were giving me the chance to dance right smack dab in the middle of both of them.
It hasn't been easy doing this without Dustin. But, having survived loosing him, these storms are so insignificant to me and seem so easy to dance through. I am ever so grateful to finally have the clarity I needed to push forward and to continue to be the best mom I can be for these kids.
I will forever be reminding myself, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain."
Thursday, June 9, 2016
The "New Normal"
All along this journey of mine I've heard so many people say to me, "Oh Brianna you will find a new normal and life will go on. You'll be able to function again." Um, ok. I didn't think much would change after Dustin died. I thought that I could just keep going in life and keep everything the same. Well I was wrong and those who told me that I would find a new normal were right. Damn it.
So what is a "new normal"? I'm here to tell you it's not what I thought it would be. In fact, its very different from what I thought it would be. And here's why.
Right after Dustin died, well two months after he died, I had Tessie. So not only was I grieving the loss of my husband and the father to my children but I was also integrating a fourth child into the family. And I was doing this mostly alone. I had a lot of help from family with my kids and especially Tessie. But to be honest, I couldn't start a "new normal" for that entire first year. I had to grieve. I had to take care of a newborn, a 4 1/2 yr old, a 3 1/2 yr old and a 1 1/2 yr old. Which was no easy task! I passed the year mark, as I like to call it, and I now had a 5 1/2 yr old, a 4 1/2 yr old, a 2 1/2 yr old and an almost 1 yr old. Things were starting to change. They were finally starting to fall into place.
You see, that entire first year I did most of my grieving. Do I still grieve? Yes, but its not as heavy as it was then. That first year those grief waves were so incredibly high that I could barely catch my breath. I don't remember hardly anything from that first year and I'm glad that I don't because it was painful. But as I pushed through that first year mark and started onto year two I started to wake up and realize a lot of different things.
One of those things was that I am a single mom. I'm not your traditional single mom who sends her kids to dad every other weekend and for one to two nights a week. No, I am truly a single mom. So lots of things had to change for me. I had to find an inner strength I didn't know existed. I had to learn how to juggle it all and juggle it all pretty much alone. You really don't realize how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. My kids count on me to do so much right now because they are all still so young and are still learning who they are and what they can do. And let me tell you, it is flat out exhausting trying to do it all alone. But this is where I found out what my "new normal" is.
My "new normal" consists of a house that isn't perfectly clean and won't be for a long time. And I'm ok with that. It consists of missed trash days and over flowing garbage cans because I forgot to take out the can to the street the night before. It consists of eating breakfast for every meal some days because I just don't have the energy to put into fixing anything else. It consists of planners everywhere for everything so I can try to remember what I absolutely NEED to do in order for our house to stay running. It consists of meltdowns from everyone at some point in time. It consists of cupboards being bare for longer than they should sometimes because I just simply couldn't make it to the store. It consists of nights spent crying myself to sleep wondering if I can do it all again the next day. It consists of long awaited time alone to enjoy myself and feeling like I am lost because I've been so focused on making a life for the kids and I. It consists of asking people for help when I'd rather try to figure it out myself. It consists of amazing people who bring us dinner, treats, straw pops, flowers, Facebook messages of encouragement and enlightenment etc. It consists of a love that is deeper than any love can ever be explained. It consists of children who look up to their mother seeing how she keeps going but breaks down occasionally. It consists of a knowledge of something that is far beyond my humanly reach. It consists of faith that is deeper than the deepest routed tree. It consists of so, so much more. But this is it. My "new normal". And while it is incredibly exhausting, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I have learned so much about myself in finding my "new normal" that I don't even recognize the person I was while Dustin was alive. And it is invigorating to continue to learn even more about myself and what I really can do. I hear all the time how much of an example and inspiration I am to others. Well, I am an example and an inspiration to myself. I see how far I have come from that horrible day in March. And I couldn't be happier with the progress I've made. Making this imperfect life perfect.
So what is a "new normal"? I'm here to tell you it's not what I thought it would be. In fact, its very different from what I thought it would be. And here's why.
Right after Dustin died, well two months after he died, I had Tessie. So not only was I grieving the loss of my husband and the father to my children but I was also integrating a fourth child into the family. And I was doing this mostly alone. I had a lot of help from family with my kids and especially Tessie. But to be honest, I couldn't start a "new normal" for that entire first year. I had to grieve. I had to take care of a newborn, a 4 1/2 yr old, a 3 1/2 yr old and a 1 1/2 yr old. Which was no easy task! I passed the year mark, as I like to call it, and I now had a 5 1/2 yr old, a 4 1/2 yr old, a 2 1/2 yr old and an almost 1 yr old. Things were starting to change. They were finally starting to fall into place.
You see, that entire first year I did most of my grieving. Do I still grieve? Yes, but its not as heavy as it was then. That first year those grief waves were so incredibly high that I could barely catch my breath. I don't remember hardly anything from that first year and I'm glad that I don't because it was painful. But as I pushed through that first year mark and started onto year two I started to wake up and realize a lot of different things.
One of those things was that I am a single mom. I'm not your traditional single mom who sends her kids to dad every other weekend and for one to two nights a week. No, I am truly a single mom. So lots of things had to change for me. I had to find an inner strength I didn't know existed. I had to learn how to juggle it all and juggle it all pretty much alone. You really don't realize how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. My kids count on me to do so much right now because they are all still so young and are still learning who they are and what they can do. And let me tell you, it is flat out exhausting trying to do it all alone. But this is where I found out what my "new normal" is.
My "new normal" consists of a house that isn't perfectly clean and won't be for a long time. And I'm ok with that. It consists of missed trash days and over flowing garbage cans because I forgot to take out the can to the street the night before. It consists of eating breakfast for every meal some days because I just don't have the energy to put into fixing anything else. It consists of planners everywhere for everything so I can try to remember what I absolutely NEED to do in order for our house to stay running. It consists of meltdowns from everyone at some point in time. It consists of cupboards being bare for longer than they should sometimes because I just simply couldn't make it to the store. It consists of nights spent crying myself to sleep wondering if I can do it all again the next day. It consists of long awaited time alone to enjoy myself and feeling like I am lost because I've been so focused on making a life for the kids and I. It consists of asking people for help when I'd rather try to figure it out myself. It consists of amazing people who bring us dinner, treats, straw pops, flowers, Facebook messages of encouragement and enlightenment etc. It consists of a love that is deeper than any love can ever be explained. It consists of children who look up to their mother seeing how she keeps going but breaks down occasionally. It consists of a knowledge of something that is far beyond my humanly reach. It consists of faith that is deeper than the deepest routed tree. It consists of so, so much more. But this is it. My "new normal". And while it is incredibly exhausting, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I have learned so much about myself in finding my "new normal" that I don't even recognize the person I was while Dustin was alive. And it is invigorating to continue to learn even more about myself and what I really can do. I hear all the time how much of an example and inspiration I am to others. Well, I am an example and an inspiration to myself. I see how far I have come from that horrible day in March. And I couldn't be happier with the progress I've made. Making this imperfect life perfect.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Nothing Else Matters
With Mother's Day rapidly approaching, I decided to write about just that. Being a mother, and what really doesn't matter about being a mother.
Why would I write a post about what doesn't matter about being a mother?
Because an issue of perfectionism has been set forth for us to follow. Or at least make us feel pressured to follow. And we then feel VERY judged by other mothers is we aren't able to be that "perfect mother".
For our mother's, Hollywood set the example as to what, how and who a mother should be. For us, its social media. Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and probably many more sites I don't know about. We as a society have become so addicted to scrolling through our newsfeeds and searching for the latest pin, tweet, post and status update that we make that real life. But let me ask you a question. When you post on these sites, you *usually* post only your positive stuff or your greatest attempt at something. Right? Very seldomly do we post about negativity or a failed craft/project.
So, as we scroll through all of these sites, we see how perfect so-and-so is doing over there. And how so-and-so is way better at crafting than we are. And that so-and-so has a grasp on an organized house. And how so-and-so does so well about doing things with her kids. And so-and-so never has disagreements with her husband. I could go on and on. As you read/see these things you think to yourself, Well shit, I can't do that or I can't do this! I'm just not trying hard enough. I could probably fit that into our day. Ok, how do I do this or that? And then you stress over it and feel like a complete failure when you aren't able to accomplish everything you felt you needed to.
Why, why do we do this to ourselves?! Being a mother is hard work. From teaching manners to shapes, numbers, letters and colors to potty training to extracurricular activities to cleaning the house to doing laundry to making meals and many many more tasks we complete in a 24hr/7days a week period. So why put more pressure on ourselves to be the perfect mom and do crafts all the time with our kids? Or have a perfectly organized house? Or the perfect relationship with our husbands and kids? Or bake so our kids have homemade sweets instead of store bought? So on and so forth.
Why?!?! Because we feel so very pressured to do so. Society has made us feel that we NEED to do so. But the truth is we all have our strengths and weaknesses. And some areas will be stronger at times while others are weak and vice versa. What we need to do is embrace that. Embrace the strengths along with the weaknesses. None of us are perfect. Only one person on this earth has been, and that was Jesus Christ.
What I'm trying to tell you, from my experience as a single mom who can't do it all, DON'T try to do it all. DO do what you can. You know your strengths and weaknesses. You also know your kids and your husbands strengths and weaknesses. Use all of them to your advantage and you will feel as if you are the perfect mother. No one can be a more perfect mother to your family than you.
Take a moment for yourself and write down every evening what you did wonderfully. Even if it was just get out of bed to do what needed to be done so no one was a rugrat, thats perfectly fine! You did it. You mommed for the day and tomorrow is always a new day to try again. But don't beat yourself up about those days. It does more damage then needs to be done.
So always remember, nothing else in this social media world matters!
Why would I write a post about what doesn't matter about being a mother?
Because an issue of perfectionism has been set forth for us to follow. Or at least make us feel pressured to follow. And we then feel VERY judged by other mothers is we aren't able to be that "perfect mother".
For our mother's, Hollywood set the example as to what, how and who a mother should be. For us, its social media. Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and probably many more sites I don't know about. We as a society have become so addicted to scrolling through our newsfeeds and searching for the latest pin, tweet, post and status update that we make that real life. But let me ask you a question. When you post on these sites, you *usually* post only your positive stuff or your greatest attempt at something. Right? Very seldomly do we post about negativity or a failed craft/project.
So, as we scroll through all of these sites, we see how perfect so-and-so is doing over there. And how so-and-so is way better at crafting than we are. And that so-and-so has a grasp on an organized house. And how so-and-so does so well about doing things with her kids. And so-and-so never has disagreements with her husband. I could go on and on. As you read/see these things you think to yourself, Well shit, I can't do that or I can't do this! I'm just not trying hard enough. I could probably fit that into our day. Ok, how do I do this or that? And then you stress over it and feel like a complete failure when you aren't able to accomplish everything you felt you needed to.
Why, why do we do this to ourselves?! Being a mother is hard work. From teaching manners to shapes, numbers, letters and colors to potty training to extracurricular activities to cleaning the house to doing laundry to making meals and many many more tasks we complete in a 24hr/7days a week period. So why put more pressure on ourselves to be the perfect mom and do crafts all the time with our kids? Or have a perfectly organized house? Or the perfect relationship with our husbands and kids? Or bake so our kids have homemade sweets instead of store bought? So on and so forth.
Why?!?! Because we feel so very pressured to do so. Society has made us feel that we NEED to do so. But the truth is we all have our strengths and weaknesses. And some areas will be stronger at times while others are weak and vice versa. What we need to do is embrace that. Embrace the strengths along with the weaknesses. None of us are perfect. Only one person on this earth has been, and that was Jesus Christ.
What I'm trying to tell you, from my experience as a single mom who can't do it all, DON'T try to do it all. DO do what you can. You know your strengths and weaknesses. You also know your kids and your husbands strengths and weaknesses. Use all of them to your advantage and you will feel as if you are the perfect mother. No one can be a more perfect mother to your family than you.
Take a moment for yourself and write down every evening what you did wonderfully. Even if it was just get out of bed to do what needed to be done so no one was a rugrat, thats perfectly fine! You did it. You mommed for the day and tomorrow is always a new day to try again. But don't beat yourself up about those days. It does more damage then needs to be done.
So always remember, nothing else in this social media world matters!
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