A lot of people lately have been asking me how am I able to be a single parent to four young kids and keep it together so nicely. But really, I don't keep it together all that nicely. I am human just like the rest of you. I have my daily challenges with myself and each one of my kids that throws something off schedule. And for us, that can mean many, like all four kiddos, having meltdowns because of whatever it might have been. So really, what is my secret?
I'm here to tell you that I have 4 calendars. I have my trusty daily planner. In which I right out our routine. When each kid goes to school, when each kid comes home from school, what time we eat breakfast, what time we get dressed, brush our hair, brush our teeth, go potty, have snacks and meals, quiet time, bath time and bed time and then appointments when necessary. I then, after all of that is written out for the month (yes I do some things on a monthly basis), I pull out my handy dandy notebook!! Wait, sorry, we've been stuck on Blue's Clue's lately. I pull out my handy dandy smart phone and put reminders in my calendar AND my reminders app (I have an iPhone so its an automatic app) so that it reminds me of when to do these things. Because like I've said, I'm human and forget things a lot. I then sit down and do my chore calendar. It hangs in my kitchen and tells me when I'm supposed to clean my house, do laundry, change my water jugs and have me time. After I have that all set up, I again go to my trusty smart phone and set reminders for all of those tasks so I actually remember to do them. Last but not least is my meal calendar. I plan out every meal we eat. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner. It's all planned out down to how much of a certain item I need at the store for the week. Not only does this help save money tremendously but it saves me when I have a human moment and forget what I was supposed to make for dinner.
You might be thinking to yourself, holy shit, that's way too much for me to handle. It would take me FOREVER to do all of that!! But there is a method to my madness. I set aside one evening a week or a month to do all of this. And sometimes its a couple of evenings depending on what kid needed me when or when grief strikes and makes me not want to do anything. So when I have my phone buzz at me, I feel important and then go and do whatever I have been reminded of and then I feel even more important because I adulted for that moment of time! And lets face it, adulting can be really hard sometimes.
I usually also sit down each night as I'm drinking my calming juice for the night (it really is juice guys!) and go through what is needed to be done the next day and add any errands I need to run or extra thing I need to do that has been added from the previous day.
My entire routine is ever changing as well. One thing I always leave room for is adjustment. If something isn't working after a couple of months, I switch what ever it might be around. And I do this until I find what works. You can ask anyone who knows me. I am always changing things until they work the way I need them to. Feel free to comment with questions too! If I can help you get better organized to be the best human you can be, I'm all for it :)
Friday, April 8, 2016
Before and After
So lately I've been having a lot more realizations coming at me. Not ones I purposely think about. Not ones I purposely talk about. Just ones that randomly cross my mind. One that happened to cross my mind while talking with my dad a couple of weeks ago was my happiness. My dad and I always have very good, long talks about just me. How I am doing, what I am doing and what my future plans are. What I love about these talks is that they never center on what happened to me. We both know its there and that it always will be, but that is never a topic of conversation unless it is brought up by something else we are talking about. And the other day, that just so happened to happen.
So as we were talking and he told me that I seem to be really happy right now, I stopped and thought for a few moments in time. As I thought I remembered how I've been feeling a separation lately. One between the life I had with Dustin and the one I have now. They are two totally separate lives. Completely intertwined but very separate. And that got me thinking about my happiness and after my mind had those few moments to process what he said and what I had thought about, I told him that I feel the happiest I've ever felt. But in my after life.
I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life in the several months and year right before Dustin died. We had done it. We had finally figured out life. We knew each other like no one else. We knew our kids like no one else. We knew how to handle our life the way it needed to be handled. We had learned each others love languages and did everything we could to show love in the way each other needed. We were so incredibly happy and in such a good place. Spiritually, physically and emotionally. But then that was ripped away from me in a moment of time.
I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't know how to go on without him. And it has taken a lot of trial and error. A lot of starting completely over with new routines because the old ones hurt too bad to continue. It has taken lots of time and patience with myself, finding who I am as an individual again. It has taken much faith and prayer, crying out to my Heavenly Father to just get me through the day so I can cross another one off my calendar.
Through all of this, though, I have been able to handle it. I have been able to put one foot in front of the other and go on without him. I have been able to find out who I am and make a life for our kids and I. And show them that we can live and have fun still. I have made my after life. And I have accepted this after life.
I think there are many different parts of acceptance when you loose someone you love. I think its different for each individual and the relationship you had with the deceased. I think it's one of the biggest steps in the healing journey as well. Once you've been able to accept, truly accept, that they are gone and that you have to continue on without them, you find more peace and solace. You are able to think a little more clearly. You are able to find your happiness like I have found mine.
So as we were talking and he told me that I seem to be really happy right now, I stopped and thought for a few moments in time. As I thought I remembered how I've been feeling a separation lately. One between the life I had with Dustin and the one I have now. They are two totally separate lives. Completely intertwined but very separate. And that got me thinking about my happiness and after my mind had those few moments to process what he said and what I had thought about, I told him that I feel the happiest I've ever felt. But in my after life.
I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life in the several months and year right before Dustin died. We had done it. We had finally figured out life. We knew each other like no one else. We knew our kids like no one else. We knew how to handle our life the way it needed to be handled. We had learned each others love languages and did everything we could to show love in the way each other needed. We were so incredibly happy and in such a good place. Spiritually, physically and emotionally. But then that was ripped away from me in a moment of time.
I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't know how to go on without him. And it has taken a lot of trial and error. A lot of starting completely over with new routines because the old ones hurt too bad to continue. It has taken lots of time and patience with myself, finding who I am as an individual again. It has taken much faith and prayer, crying out to my Heavenly Father to just get me through the day so I can cross another one off my calendar.
Through all of this, though, I have been able to handle it. I have been able to put one foot in front of the other and go on without him. I have been able to find out who I am and make a life for our kids and I. And show them that we can live and have fun still. I have made my after life. And I have accepted this after life.
I think there are many different parts of acceptance when you loose someone you love. I think its different for each individual and the relationship you had with the deceased. I think it's one of the biggest steps in the healing journey as well. Once you've been able to accept, truly accept, that they are gone and that you have to continue on without them, you find more peace and solace. You are able to think a little more clearly. You are able to find your happiness like I have found mine.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Accomplishments
So, here I am again. Waiting forever in between posts to write new ones. And there is a reason, actually a few reasons why. I'll start with the first, most obvious one. I am a mother, a single mother, to four beautiful children. They need me more than anything else in this world. And I need them. The second reason is that these four beautiful kids have all been having their own, very individual struggles lately. Some of you follow me on Facebook and have seen the different disorders we have been diagnosed with. Like PTSD, major anxiety, emotional issues, attachment issues, autism spectrum disorders and some that haven't even been addressed yet because we just haven't found the right answers and avenues yet. And the last but not least reason is depression.
It's hard being a single mom. Many of you understand what that's like. My situation is very different in many ways, but many of you know what it is like to be a single mom. Being in charge of everything, literally everything is a daunting task. Hell, I broke down balling the other day because one of my sweet kiddos clogged the toilet for the thousandth time in a few days. Waking up at 5-5:30a daily to the sound of a child screaming because someone touched him, looked at him wrong, said good morning to him when he didn't want anything said to him is not an easy way to wake up. Having to get four kiddos ready and out the door by 7:45a when you have anxiety attacks from all of them, multiple times, as the morning routine continues is so stressful. Getting everyone home from school with continuous arguments about God knows what is exhausting. Keeping up with the housework, the laundry, the dog poop, the trash taken out, the barrels put on the street, the appts to be made etc. etc. Is a very tiring thing when you do it day in and day out without the kind of relief you were used to getting.
I find it ironic that all of this is catching up to me two years later. I am so busy, so mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted at the end of every day that I haven't had the time to think about the dates coming up. Until I looked at my phone this morning and that wonderful Facebook memories feature shows up in my newsfeed. Well damn. Thank you Facebook for reminding me that its been two years. Two very long years that my husband left us. That he left me . . . Ouch . . .
As I sat there this morning, trying to eat my pop tart with screaming, hitting, crying, yelling, whining and punching going on in the background, I silently cried. My tears, those warm big tears, streamed down my cheeks crashing onto the table as I sat there looking at my phone. WOW. But I let myself feel everything. I let myself look at those fallen tears as a small puddle formed on my table top. To me I looked at them and saw defeat. I saw failure. I saw weakness. I saw sadness and depression. But is that really what those tears meant?
According to my best friend, no. Not one bit. Since the very start of all of this she has been right by my side. From the moment they told me, to the moment we laid him to rest, to the moment we marked a year, to this moment now. As I was texting her this morning and we talked about how I really am doing, she reminded me to think of everything I have accomplished over the past two years. We both knew the second year was going to be the hardest for me and we both know I have made it through that second year. But to hear someone tell me to remember what I have accomplished within those two years and to basically stop looking at myself as a "normal mom" was another accomplishment in itself.
I am a very humble person. I don't see myself as any different than the rest of you. I am a parent, like most of you, just trying not to screw up my kids and to make sure they have the life that they deserve. But I am very different. And so many of you often kindly remind me of that.
After we finished our conversation I sat there. I started to really think. What have I accomplished in the past two years?? Well, I really have accomplished a lot. I sent my husband off on a short tour, 25 weeks pregnant with our 4th child. I was left to take care of three kids under 5. I was left to prepare our house for a move across the country. I learned of my husbands passing at 27 weeks pregnant. I attended military briefing after military briefing about his death and everything that ensued it. I tried to celebrate my 25th birthday. I welcomed home my late husband, my airman the very next day. I buried him a few days later. I carried and then gave birth to our 4th baby a week before what should have been his 25th birthday. I bought a house. I moved from where we call home back to what used to be home. I learned how to be a single mom to four kids under 5. (I am still learning how to be a mom to four kids under 7 now!) I take care of my vehicles. I take care of my house. I take care of our pets and am having one of our dogs trained to be our psychiatric service dog. I am learning an entirely new vocabulary with all of my kids' diagnosis. I am learning how to better help them with all of their individual diagnosis. I am their hero. I am my hero.
I'm sure there are many accomplishments I have left out because they probably seem normal to me or I have just brushed them off because I don't have someone to talk to every night about them. But by dammed, I really have accomplished a lot. And I have learned a lot about myself too.
It's so easy to forget what you've accomplished. It's so easy to brush things off your back and put it in the back of your mind to save for a later date. It's so easy to let yourself get down and depressed. It's so easy and because it is we all tend to do it more often than we should. But taking the time to remember what you actually accomplished is well worth it. Just remember in the process that none of us are perfect, none of us have the exact same life and none of us are faced with the same trials.
So let us all remember to remind ourselves of what we have accomplished. Whether it be every thirty minutes, every hour, every day, every week, every month or every year. Our accomplishments help right along side our trials to make us who we need to be. And don't let what you feel as defeat or failure stop you. Because most likely, it's not any of those . . .
It's hard being a single mom. Many of you understand what that's like. My situation is very different in many ways, but many of you know what it is like to be a single mom. Being in charge of everything, literally everything is a daunting task. Hell, I broke down balling the other day because one of my sweet kiddos clogged the toilet for the thousandth time in a few days. Waking up at 5-5:30a daily to the sound of a child screaming because someone touched him, looked at him wrong, said good morning to him when he didn't want anything said to him is not an easy way to wake up. Having to get four kiddos ready and out the door by 7:45a when you have anxiety attacks from all of them, multiple times, as the morning routine continues is so stressful. Getting everyone home from school with continuous arguments about God knows what is exhausting. Keeping up with the housework, the laundry, the dog poop, the trash taken out, the barrels put on the street, the appts to be made etc. etc. Is a very tiring thing when you do it day in and day out without the kind of relief you were used to getting.
I find it ironic that all of this is catching up to me two years later. I am so busy, so mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted at the end of every day that I haven't had the time to think about the dates coming up. Until I looked at my phone this morning and that wonderful Facebook memories feature shows up in my newsfeed. Well damn. Thank you Facebook for reminding me that its been two years. Two very long years that my husband left us. That he left me . . . Ouch . . .
As I sat there this morning, trying to eat my pop tart with screaming, hitting, crying, yelling, whining and punching going on in the background, I silently cried. My tears, those warm big tears, streamed down my cheeks crashing onto the table as I sat there looking at my phone. WOW. But I let myself feel everything. I let myself look at those fallen tears as a small puddle formed on my table top. To me I looked at them and saw defeat. I saw failure. I saw weakness. I saw sadness and depression. But is that really what those tears meant?
According to my best friend, no. Not one bit. Since the very start of all of this she has been right by my side. From the moment they told me, to the moment we laid him to rest, to the moment we marked a year, to this moment now. As I was texting her this morning and we talked about how I really am doing, she reminded me to think of everything I have accomplished over the past two years. We both knew the second year was going to be the hardest for me and we both know I have made it through that second year. But to hear someone tell me to remember what I have accomplished within those two years and to basically stop looking at myself as a "normal mom" was another accomplishment in itself.
I am a very humble person. I don't see myself as any different than the rest of you. I am a parent, like most of you, just trying not to screw up my kids and to make sure they have the life that they deserve. But I am very different. And so many of you often kindly remind me of that.
After we finished our conversation I sat there. I started to really think. What have I accomplished in the past two years?? Well, I really have accomplished a lot. I sent my husband off on a short tour, 25 weeks pregnant with our 4th child. I was left to take care of three kids under 5. I was left to prepare our house for a move across the country. I learned of my husbands passing at 27 weeks pregnant. I attended military briefing after military briefing about his death and everything that ensued it. I tried to celebrate my 25th birthday. I welcomed home my late husband, my airman the very next day. I buried him a few days later. I carried and then gave birth to our 4th baby a week before what should have been his 25th birthday. I bought a house. I moved from where we call home back to what used to be home. I learned how to be a single mom to four kids under 5. (I am still learning how to be a mom to four kids under 7 now!) I take care of my vehicles. I take care of my house. I take care of our pets and am having one of our dogs trained to be our psychiatric service dog. I am learning an entirely new vocabulary with all of my kids' diagnosis. I am learning how to better help them with all of their individual diagnosis. I am their hero. I am my hero.
I'm sure there are many accomplishments I have left out because they probably seem normal to me or I have just brushed them off because I don't have someone to talk to every night about them. But by dammed, I really have accomplished a lot. And I have learned a lot about myself too.
It's so easy to forget what you've accomplished. It's so easy to brush things off your back and put it in the back of your mind to save for a later date. It's so easy to let yourself get down and depressed. It's so easy and because it is we all tend to do it more often than we should. But taking the time to remember what you actually accomplished is well worth it. Just remember in the process that none of us are perfect, none of us have the exact same life and none of us are faced with the same trials.
So let us all remember to remind ourselves of what we have accomplished. Whether it be every thirty minutes, every hour, every day, every week, every month or every year. Our accomplishments help right along side our trials to make us who we need to be. And don't let what you feel as defeat or failure stop you. Because most likely, it's not any of those . . .
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Think, Transition, Balance, Repeat
Sorry its been so damn long! We went through quite a lot since my last post and I was without Internet for a while because of technical difficulties! But, I'm back :)
So one of the things that we went through was an entire kitchen remodel. Which had me doing a lot of thinking, transitioning, balancing and repeating. As my kitchen was under construction, we were still trying to use it. So as certain parts of it would be under construction, I would have to think, transition some parts to other parts and then let that balance out for a day or so until the next area needed worked on. So it got me thinking. How much thinking, transitioning and balancing have I done since my life has changed?
The day that Dustin died my life as I knew it ended. I didn't really have much time to think about it back then. I was pregnant, I had kids starting school, I had normal life transitions coming. So I thought accordingly, transitioned us and did my best to balance all of that out. Over the past almost two years now I have learned just how and when these transitioning steps are necessary in my life and I have learned in what areas they are necessary as well.
People, places, things, traditions, activities, daily life, future plans.
All of these areas, as well as more I'm sure, have been strategically thought about, slowly transitioned from and balanced out. I have repeated this process many times with many different categories as well. It is something that I haven't enjoyed doing because I am essentially transitioning the life I had with Dustin into my past. But that's what it is. My past and I am proud of it. It is what has given me the strength to move on because it gives me hope for the future to be with him again.
The transition from our life together is imperative to make a life for myself.
I can't keep certain things alive from our life because it just doesn't work with my life now. I can't make dinner alone anymore while the kids are excitedly playing with him. I can't be doing dishes and picking up while they are all taking baths because he's not here anymore to help tag team the work load. I can't celebrate holidays as we would have because he's not here to celebrate with. I can't easily go run errands after he is home and the kids are in bed. I can't easily take all of them on short day trips like we used to do for family time. There are so many other things I can't do because he isn't here anymore to be by my side.
But I'm not letting that stop this transition because, like I've said, it is imperative.
I am currently learning to balance this transition right now. I am learning what works within my daily routine and what doesn't. I am learning what works for us to spend family time and what doesn't. I am learning how to run those errands around schedules and help from others. I am learning how to celebrate holidays as a single parent family. I am doing all of this while also reminding our kids about who their daddy was and what he loved and why. Now, I'm still not perfect with this and I am still working out the kinks. But I will always be working out the kinks because I will be moving into new ages and stages of life continuously. That's what life is about. No matter who you are or where you are in life. Learning how to think, transition, balance and repeat.
So I am going to challenge all of you to really think about where you are in life. Make the necessary transitions, try your best to balance those transitions and repeat when necessary!
So one of the things that we went through was an entire kitchen remodel. Which had me doing a lot of thinking, transitioning, balancing and repeating. As my kitchen was under construction, we were still trying to use it. So as certain parts of it would be under construction, I would have to think, transition some parts to other parts and then let that balance out for a day or so until the next area needed worked on. So it got me thinking. How much thinking, transitioning and balancing have I done since my life has changed?
The day that Dustin died my life as I knew it ended. I didn't really have much time to think about it back then. I was pregnant, I had kids starting school, I had normal life transitions coming. So I thought accordingly, transitioned us and did my best to balance all of that out. Over the past almost two years now I have learned just how and when these transitioning steps are necessary in my life and I have learned in what areas they are necessary as well.
People, places, things, traditions, activities, daily life, future plans.
All of these areas, as well as more I'm sure, have been strategically thought about, slowly transitioned from and balanced out. I have repeated this process many times with many different categories as well. It is something that I haven't enjoyed doing because I am essentially transitioning the life I had with Dustin into my past. But that's what it is. My past and I am proud of it. It is what has given me the strength to move on because it gives me hope for the future to be with him again.
The transition from our life together is imperative to make a life for myself.
I can't keep certain things alive from our life because it just doesn't work with my life now. I can't make dinner alone anymore while the kids are excitedly playing with him. I can't be doing dishes and picking up while they are all taking baths because he's not here anymore to help tag team the work load. I can't celebrate holidays as we would have because he's not here to celebrate with. I can't easily go run errands after he is home and the kids are in bed. I can't easily take all of them on short day trips like we used to do for family time. There are so many other things I can't do because he isn't here anymore to be by my side.
But I'm not letting that stop this transition because, like I've said, it is imperative.
I am currently learning to balance this transition right now. I am learning what works within my daily routine and what doesn't. I am learning what works for us to spend family time and what doesn't. I am learning how to run those errands around schedules and help from others. I am learning how to celebrate holidays as a single parent family. I am doing all of this while also reminding our kids about who their daddy was and what he loved and why. Now, I'm still not perfect with this and I am still working out the kinks. But I will always be working out the kinks because I will be moving into new ages and stages of life continuously. That's what life is about. No matter who you are or where you are in life. Learning how to think, transition, balance and repeat.
So I am going to challenge all of you to really think about where you are in life. Make the necessary transitions, try your best to balance those transitions and repeat when necessary!
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
How Are You Doing?
I get asked this question a lot. More than I want most days, honestly. Sometimes I wish this question wasn't such a good conversation starter! When I'm asked this question it can always go one of two ways. The first way is that I'm horrible, completely miserable and way super lonely. Which just so happens to be the honest to goodness, deep down truth. The second way is that I'm fantastic, happy as a lark and enjoying my peaceful times! Which just so happens to be my cover up so no one feels bad for asking me.
So which way makes you feel more comfortable?
The second way definitely makes me feel more comfortable. Which is why I answer that question 99.9% of the time that way. But I haven't always answered the question that way. I used to answer it the first way. Why put up a front when honesty is the best policy? Well, I started slipping into a horrible, negative downward spiral because I truly believed I would always be that way.
These negative spirals are so easy to get caught and stuck in. It's way easier to tell myself that I can't do it. I can't be the mom these kids need. I can't clean my house. I can't lift that weight for back squats. I can't eat healthy. I can't, I can't, I can't. I quickly realized that living this way was not doing me any favors. I was practicing what I was preaching to myself and everything around me crumbled. And I kept letting it. Until one day I realized I had to stop.
But how? How could I stop this negative spiral from continuing?
Right around when I realized this, the LDS church had their General Woman's Broadcast. I kept getting that whisper in my head, "Brianna, you need to go. Brianna, you can't miss this one. Brianna, you need to hear the words that will be spoken at this conference." These words kept eating away at me. How was I going to be able to go? I needed a sitter for all of my kids and most of my go to sitters would be going as well. Then it dawned on me, I have family! Luckily Dustin's mom was available and jumped up like it was nothing to come watch them so I could go. As I sat in that chapel, listening to the words from the speakers, I knew why I needed to be there. All of the talks were amazing and just what I needed to hear. But the very last speaker, President Uchtdorf, spoke more than a thousand words to me.
He used a parable, just as Jesus did in the old days, to get his point across. In his parable there was a little girl who was to go live with her great aunt while her mother recovered from surgery over the summer. This great aunt had never married, never had any kids and had always been alone. Except for a pet cat. This girl was very nervous and apprehensive to go live with her great aunt. But what she didn't realize was that her great aunt was a wonderful, happy and fun woman! She had many friends and people that loved her. But why? She was completely alone. Life didn't go as it should have. This little girls great aunt explained to her that many years ago, she realized life wasn't going the way it should have and so she decided she was going to make the best of her life and be as happy as she could be with what she had.
Um, WOW. What a strong woman! She found happiness during a time in her life when she could've chosen to stay so miserable! Well holy tollitos batman! That's me! Life definitely did not go as planned in my book. So, where do I go from here?
How can I make my life happy?
Folks, I'm here to tell you it starts with me. Like Kenny Cheney sings in his song, Never Wanted Nothing More, "I'm what I am, I'm what I'm not. I'm sure happy with what I've got. I live to love and laugh a lot, and that's all I need." Well shit Sherlock! I need to live this! Love this and own this! I am still working on it though. It is not an easy task to be ok with who you are after such a great loss. Putting those puzzle pieces back together is hard when there will always be a missing piece. But by finding the positive in everything I do on a daily basis, I am starting to see how life really is going how it should! At last I see the light! And it's like the fog has lifted! And at last I see the light! And it's like the sky is new! And it's warm and real and bright, and the world has somehow shifted! Oh wait, sorry, not watching Tangled or anything right now . . .
What I'm saying is that I no longer hate the question, How are you doing? I'm sure some days I still will hate this question. It's inevitable, but 99.9% of the time, I can now answer with my second answer and actually believe it and own it. It is a good way to keep me in check. Make sure I am still doing my best at making my life happy with what I've got. And my friends, that's all I need :)
So, how are YOU doing?
Sunday, September 20, 2015
My Foundation
Aaaaannnnndddd I've now reached my 18 month mark. Wow! An entire year and a half that he has been gone. It's hard for me to believe I have made it to this point. Right after it happened I kept telling myself, "Ok, you got this Brianna. If you can make it a year, you can make it a lifetime!" Yeah, little did I know all of the realizations I would hit after my year mark. You see, a year ago when I started this blog, I was in what I like to call "Widow Fog." It's really good about clouding your mind, making you very numb to anything and everything that is going on around you. Helping you to push those deep routed, amazing memories that are just too painful to have surface that soon. And I don't know what it is about hitting that one year mark that magically makes it disappear. But it does. And all of those deep routed, amazing memories start flooding back into your memory bank. When that happened for me, I realized that the very foundation my family had been built upon was completely shattered into more than a million pieces and I somehow needed to put them back together to make my family's foundation strong again.
So how the hell am I supposed to do that when everything that had made it rock solid before was now gone?
Dustin and I were a team. We had finally reached a point where we had found our groove as a couple. We were able to work together without really having to ask one another to do something. We just noticed what needed to be done and did it. He was a very affectionate man. He'd hug me, kiss me, rub my feet or my back or shoulders. He'd brush my hair or run his fingers through it when he could tell I had a hard day. We talked to each other about everything. Literally everything. There was no secret between us. We shared serious thoughts and concerns to silly, stupid thoughts to intimate thoughts to happy and fun thoughts and everything in between. We did everything in our power to make our foundation rock solid! So how am I to do that now? How am I supposed to make my new foundation as strong as it was before, alone?
This task at hand is in no way, shape or form easy. In fact, it is the HARDEST thing I have ever had do. I don't have that second parent. I don't have that second set of hands. I don't really have someone who knows me as deep as Dustin did, yet. I don't have someone to come home and hug me or kiss me or rub my back/shoulders or play with my hair everyday. I don't have someone within the walls of my own home to lean on anymore for literally every aspect of my life. But, I do have a select few people around me who are truly showing me they love and care for me. Who are putting forth the effort to get to know me on that deeper level and really help me when I need it the most. And with these amazing people, I will be able to make my foundation rock solid again. I will be able to pick up those shattered pieces and put them back together in new and different spots. It might not be the way I planned on making my foundation rock solid again, but I can't do all of this 100% alone. So I will take all the help I can get with building this new foundation of mine!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Acceptance
I can't believe I am here. I can't believe I have made it to the area of grief where I can finally say I have accepted the fact that my husband died and I am a widow. I thought I was here months ago! But then more time passed, more events in life happened and I grew even more. You see, grief is everyone's own journey to travel. You don't really know how you are going to travel it until it comes barreling down your hallway, banging on your door and pushing itself in. But once it does and you are forced to walk down that road, you slowly learn how to deal with it. Taking a hundred steps forward, a thousand backwards and then a million forward again.
I had kept myself pretty sheltered over the past 17 months. Not really talking to people out of my friend/family circle, not trying to make new friends or putting myself out there. It was too painful for me to have to talk about over and over again to new people, explaining to them my life and knowing that they wouldn't understand. But I woke up one morning and realized that I wasn't living my life. I wasn't enjoying the direction it was going. I am a fun, happy person. I am a brave, confident girl. Why was I trying to hide my past? Why was I so afraid to live life after loosing my husband? Because I was afraid if I pressed forward I would loose him forever. I was afraid I would let my past define who I am. I very quickly learned though, with the help of a dear friend, that I wouldn't loose him forever and that I shouldn't let my past define who I am. But I needed the time to mentally let all of this make sense in my head.
It was a tough mental battle to fight on a daily basis! Telling myself that I could tuck away my life with him into a very special place in my heart and mind hurt. It hurt more than anything I've ever felt. But letting myself know that by tucking away those amazing memories, I was making room for even more amazing memories with my kids and maybe one day, another love, was beautiful. The day I figured out how to do that, my life changed in a direction for the better and it helped me down the road in learning how to not let my past define me.
It still took a little while for me to figure out how to not let my past define who I am, though. My past has made me who I am today and it continues to help shape and mold me. But learning to not let it define me was tough! I mean, how do you not let your past define you when it is what has shaped you and continues to shape you? It's actually quite simple. Don't live in your past. When you continue to live in your past, you are reliving all of it, all the time. There is no room for anything else in your present or future when you continue to live in the past. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't like continuously living in my past. I don't like feeling stuck or trapped. I don't like it when things are unorganized or out of order. When you live in the past, your mind is unorganized and events get misplaced because you are trying to make sense of something that has already happened and you are trying to live in the present at the same time. Which is not an easy task! So "letting go" of my past, tucking it into a very safe place in my heart and mind and letting myself live in my present is how I managed to stop letting my past define who I am.
Finally being able to say that I have accepted this life is amazing to me. I honestly never thought I would make it here. I never thought I would get to the stage of re-entry into life with true new beginnings. But being here feels so good! I have worked so hard to get here! I have taken a hundred steps forward, a thousand backwards and a million more forward. And I will continue to do that on this grief journey. But it is a journey I get to call mine and make it how I want it. Accepting even more areas as I continue on down it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)