I'm sure many of you read this title and thought to yourself, "She doesn't need to be mom AND dad!" And I'd have to say you are right about that, to an extent. But how many of you married couples out there have a husband that does certain chores? Or talks to the kids a certain way when they continue to misbehave? Or who helps you take care of the kids? Or who does the yard work? I could ask a thousand more questions about what our husbands help us do around the house. Which is where I'm finding out I do have to be mom and dad, to an extent.
Dustin was an amazing husband and father. Not only did he work 10 to 12 to 15 hour days, he came home and helped keep our house running. He would help vacuum, do dishes, feed the dogs, make sure the dog poop was picked up, make sure all the trash was taken out, clean the bathrooms, mop the floor, dust the ceiling fans, wash windows, take care of our vehicles, prepare us for camping trips and a thousand more things that would probably take an entire page to write them ALL out. But after he died, I then had to do everything. All of the responsibility of keeping this household running fell on me. So honestly, a lot of things started slipping because I wasn't used to having to do them. One of the many things that stands out to me was one of the simplest tasks to him. The trash. And I'm not talking about just taking the trash out to the trash barrel. I'm talking about taking ALL of the trash out to the trash barrel. The bathroom trash, diaper trash, normal trash, recycle trash and yard waste. All while trying to remember what day the normal trash goes to the street to be picked up as well as the recycle trash and the yard waste trash! Simple enough right? Um . . . Nope. Most definitely NOT simple. Trying to remember what day my trash barrels go out while also trying to remember everything else I have to remember on an hourly, daily, weekly and monthly basis is nearly impossible!! So another instance that sticks out is when I prepared for our camping trip this past summer. Not only did I have to do the daily grind with the kids but I had to make sure they were all sufficiently packed, that we had all our fishing tack and rods, that we had enough firewood for the 4 days, enough food, water, all the camping supplies, all the dog necessities and then I had to pack it all in the suburban. I had to make sure the DVD players were set up and running. That they had enough in the car to keep them occupied for the 5 hour drive with them. It was no easy feat but I did it. When you all of a sudden have to do things alone, you really realize your full capacity. How well you can actually get things done. Like mowing the lawn or what I had to accomplish tonight. Our youngest had her 4 month well baby doctor appointment today so she received shots and we all know what shots do to us. But my shower drain has been SO incredibly clogged it's like I'm taking a bath when I shower so that needed to be unclogged. I also needed to vacuum and mop, fold laundry and do dishes. But, because of the lovely shots little missy received today she was pretty fussy. So, I decided I needed to prioritize my evening. I took care of her and then tackled my drain. Which took A LOT longer than I thought it would. But my drain is now unclogged, my sweet baby is comfortably sleeping and I had just enough time before bed to write my blog, instead of staying up till midnight completing the rest of my to-do list.
Now being a mother of 4 is tough stuff with a spouse. We all know that the mother/wife is usually in charge of making phone calls, setting appointments, raising the kids, keeping the house some what presentable, meal planning and prepping and a million other things. The dad/father is usually in charge of working to bring home the money, taking care of the vehicles properly, taking out the trash, killing the bugs, picking up the nasty stuff you don't want to even think about touching, being the dummy the kids wrestle on, the face you look forward to seeing the most in the evening and a million other things. So adding the two together makes for a very tough and stressful day, week and month and there were SO many things I took for granted that he did. But now that he is gone, its ultimately just me. I am going to be the one who gets us ready for camping. I will be the one to play Santa. I will be the one to help teach them how to fish and practice it. I will be the one to wrestle with them. Be there to comfort their sweet spirits. Keep this house running and as clean as possible. Make sure our furbabies are taken care of. Make sure the trash is taken out. Make sure my vehicles are taken care of and so much more!! It is all ultimately up to me. Even with as much help as I do receive from family and friends. At the end of the day, it is ME. Do I drive myself crazy? Hell yes! Every. Single. Day. But someone has to do it all and we all know not everyone can drop everything and come rescue me ALL the time. So just as I did tonight, I look at my to-do list and prioritize my time to what is the most important to me withing that moment of time. So that I don't kill myself trying to be mom and dad.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
FAQ's and Answers
So my dear friends, given my recent trip to Disneyland with our oldest for her 5th birthday and all of the MANY questions I received from strangers after she had brought up that her dad died, I figured it would be a good idea to write a post about the MANY questions I get asked on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. There are many, but I am going to cover the most important ones, at least what I think are the most important ones. Ready? Here I go. . .
Q: Is there anything I can do?/What can I do to help?
A: Well, honestly, just continue to pray for us. Send us good thoughts, vibes. Whatever it is that you believe in, send it our way. Text me, don't call because I probably won't answer, but text me and let me know you're still thinking about me. If you don't have my phone number, Facebook me. I might not answer texts or Facebook either but it lets me know that you still care and love us. If you have memories of Dustin, please share them with me so I can write them down and share them with our kids. I only have what I can remember and what we experienced. So please, don't think it will offend me, share! I'd say you could drop by with a dinner but I will be the only one who eats it because our kids are SO picky. I'd also say you could just drop by to help clean, do laundry, babysit so I could go grocery shopping or have time alone or to talk but we have seen so many different people in the last 7 months and I have been all over the place. We are all starting to feel those affects. The kids need me and I need them. We need to figure this new routine out together, with very menial amounts of interruptions.
Q: How did your husband die?
A: I really don't like to answer this question. Nor do I like to hear it. It's a touchy subject for me because he was so young, vibrant and healthy. But, I will answer this so those of you who don't really know can now understand. His heart was enlarged and had an infection that coincided with his small pox vaccine he had received just 2 weeks prior. Was it his small pox vaccine that ultimately killed him? I am almost positive that it was. Unfortunately the medical examiner couldn't "definitively establish nor rule out" that it was from the small pox vaccine. So it is one of those things that there is an answer, but it's not a complete answer in my mind.
Q: Your husband was how old when he died??
A: He was 24 years old. Yup, a whopping 24. And he just happened to die 9 days after his Great Grandmother Cora was called home, almost 7 years to the day that my grandpa was called home and exactly a week before my 25 birthday. Which would have made the start of 8 years together for us. Crazy, yes I know.
Q: You were pregnant when he died? Oh wow, how did you handle that???
A: Well, I knew that I had to take care of this little bundle of joy that he had left me. We had fallen so madly in love with her, even though she was totally NOT planned, expected or even wanted, honestly. But I knew that I had something inside of me that relied on my every move, every meal and every thought. So I pushed through it till I could no longer handle it. I pleaded with my Dr. to induce me at 38 weeks because I couldn't handle the PTSD or the anxiety anymore. I couldn't stand to carry this child one more day. So she finally agreed to have me induced, which actually ended up being a good thing because my amniotic fluid was getting pretty low. Now about the delivery, you can ask anyone that was in the delivery room with me that day. I had no choice. She was coming ready or not. Now, I knew I had to do it alone because he was going to be in Korea, but this was a different kind of "alone". And for those that were there with me that day, they'd say she did it like a boss. I did it with tears streaming down my face and even tried to not push so I didn't have to face this beautiful little last joy he left me. But I did and out she came and a newly widowed mother of 4 kids under 5 I became. There were some struggles with her at first that many of you don't know about. You see, sweet TessieAnn was born with 2 HUGE knots in her umbilical cord but was perfectly healthy. My Dr. was completely shocked that she was not a still born. Apparently it is rare to see 1 knot in the umbilical cord, let alone 2 HUGE ones right next to each other. Knots cause the blood flow to lessen from momma to baby and then baby doesn't get enough oxygen to live. She also had a very hard time learning how to suck her formula, breath and swallow all at the same time (it's tough being a newborn!) She spent her first 24 hours of life in the NICU because of that. She would turn blue because she was choking on her formula and couldn't breath. But, I knew her daddy would protect her. He had given her a kiss good-bye and it made a mark on her hand. Which is how I know she was safe inside my womb, despite the 2 HUGE knots in her cord.
Q: You have 4 kids under 5, you're 25 AND you are a widow? Wow!
A: Yup, I know! I'm just as blown away by it as you are! I never would have thought that at 24 I would have become a widow, been pregnant with baby #4 and had three other kids under the age of 5. That's a lot for a married couple to raise together! All I have to say is thank goodness for family and Dr. Pepper!
Q: How do you stay so strong??
A: I am here to tell you, straight from my mouth, that it is because of my faith, our love for each other and how he helped me to grow into who I am today. He helped me to realize so much that I was so naive to several years ago. He helped me fix my flaws, guide me in a better direction and shape the Brianna I am tonight. And he continues to from heaven. He still leaves me little sweet nothings everywhere. They might not be right from his physical hand but I know who they are from. And those moments I have to cherish and hold onto tight so I can make it through to the next time he leaves one for me to find. But I have to be worthy enough and in the right state of mind to see them and feel them. They aren't out in plain sight like they used to be. They aren't tangible anymore. But they do exist and I do see them and feel them. Honestly, I am not that strong all the time. I definitely have my moments. More often than anyone realizes. But I keep them to myself and my kids. After I have them, I pick myself back up and dust myself off and say to myself, "Bri, you got this. You can do this, as much as it hurts, you can do this. Dustin has got your back!" And I press on. None of this would be possible without him. We had helped each other become better people. We had such a deep love for each other we felt as if we were one. We were such great partners because we could point out what the other was doing wrong, give them some pointers and help them to push forward in the new, positive light. Which we still continue to do, its just in a different way and it's a little harder to find the answers. But, all of this helps me to stay strong, to press on despite what my heart, mind and body want to do.
I hope I was able to answer at least some of the questions many of you have wondered about. Like I said in one of my answers, don't hesitate to message me. If you have other questions, feel free to ask. I will answer them, even if it feels uncomfortable for me. It helps me to heal answering questions. Stay tuned for my next blog post coming very soon, "Being Mom and Dad".
Q: Is there anything I can do?/What can I do to help?
A: Well, honestly, just continue to pray for us. Send us good thoughts, vibes. Whatever it is that you believe in, send it our way. Text me, don't call because I probably won't answer, but text me and let me know you're still thinking about me. If you don't have my phone number, Facebook me. I might not answer texts or Facebook either but it lets me know that you still care and love us. If you have memories of Dustin, please share them with me so I can write them down and share them with our kids. I only have what I can remember and what we experienced. So please, don't think it will offend me, share! I'd say you could drop by with a dinner but I will be the only one who eats it because our kids are SO picky. I'd also say you could just drop by to help clean, do laundry, babysit so I could go grocery shopping or have time alone or to talk but we have seen so many different people in the last 7 months and I have been all over the place. We are all starting to feel those affects. The kids need me and I need them. We need to figure this new routine out together, with very menial amounts of interruptions.
Q: How did your husband die?
A: I really don't like to answer this question. Nor do I like to hear it. It's a touchy subject for me because he was so young, vibrant and healthy. But, I will answer this so those of you who don't really know can now understand. His heart was enlarged and had an infection that coincided with his small pox vaccine he had received just 2 weeks prior. Was it his small pox vaccine that ultimately killed him? I am almost positive that it was. Unfortunately the medical examiner couldn't "definitively establish nor rule out" that it was from the small pox vaccine. So it is one of those things that there is an answer, but it's not a complete answer in my mind.
Q: Your husband was how old when he died??
A: He was 24 years old. Yup, a whopping 24. And he just happened to die 9 days after his Great Grandmother Cora was called home, almost 7 years to the day that my grandpa was called home and exactly a week before my 25 birthday. Which would have made the start of 8 years together for us. Crazy, yes I know.
Q: You were pregnant when he died? Oh wow, how did you handle that???
A: Well, I knew that I had to take care of this little bundle of joy that he had left me. We had fallen so madly in love with her, even though she was totally NOT planned, expected or even wanted, honestly. But I knew that I had something inside of me that relied on my every move, every meal and every thought. So I pushed through it till I could no longer handle it. I pleaded with my Dr. to induce me at 38 weeks because I couldn't handle the PTSD or the anxiety anymore. I couldn't stand to carry this child one more day. So she finally agreed to have me induced, which actually ended up being a good thing because my amniotic fluid was getting pretty low. Now about the delivery, you can ask anyone that was in the delivery room with me that day. I had no choice. She was coming ready or not. Now, I knew I had to do it alone because he was going to be in Korea, but this was a different kind of "alone". And for those that were there with me that day, they'd say she did it like a boss. I did it with tears streaming down my face and even tried to not push so I didn't have to face this beautiful little last joy he left me. But I did and out she came and a newly widowed mother of 4 kids under 5 I became. There were some struggles with her at first that many of you don't know about. You see, sweet TessieAnn was born with 2 HUGE knots in her umbilical cord but was perfectly healthy. My Dr. was completely shocked that she was not a still born. Apparently it is rare to see 1 knot in the umbilical cord, let alone 2 HUGE ones right next to each other. Knots cause the blood flow to lessen from momma to baby and then baby doesn't get enough oxygen to live. She also had a very hard time learning how to suck her formula, breath and swallow all at the same time (it's tough being a newborn!) She spent her first 24 hours of life in the NICU because of that. She would turn blue because she was choking on her formula and couldn't breath. But, I knew her daddy would protect her. He had given her a kiss good-bye and it made a mark on her hand. Which is how I know she was safe inside my womb, despite the 2 HUGE knots in her cord.
Q: You have 4 kids under 5, you're 25 AND you are a widow? Wow!
A: Yup, I know! I'm just as blown away by it as you are! I never would have thought that at 24 I would have become a widow, been pregnant with baby #4 and had three other kids under the age of 5. That's a lot for a married couple to raise together! All I have to say is thank goodness for family and Dr. Pepper!
Q: How do you stay so strong??
A: I am here to tell you, straight from my mouth, that it is because of my faith, our love for each other and how he helped me to grow into who I am today. He helped me to realize so much that I was so naive to several years ago. He helped me fix my flaws, guide me in a better direction and shape the Brianna I am tonight. And he continues to from heaven. He still leaves me little sweet nothings everywhere. They might not be right from his physical hand but I know who they are from. And those moments I have to cherish and hold onto tight so I can make it through to the next time he leaves one for me to find. But I have to be worthy enough and in the right state of mind to see them and feel them. They aren't out in plain sight like they used to be. They aren't tangible anymore. But they do exist and I do see them and feel them. Honestly, I am not that strong all the time. I definitely have my moments. More often than anyone realizes. But I keep them to myself and my kids. After I have them, I pick myself back up and dust myself off and say to myself, "Bri, you got this. You can do this, as much as it hurts, you can do this. Dustin has got your back!" And I press on. None of this would be possible without him. We had helped each other become better people. We had such a deep love for each other we felt as if we were one. We were such great partners because we could point out what the other was doing wrong, give them some pointers and help them to push forward in the new, positive light. Which we still continue to do, its just in a different way and it's a little harder to find the answers. But, all of this helps me to stay strong, to press on despite what my heart, mind and body want to do.
I hope I was able to answer at least some of the questions many of you have wondered about. Like I said in one of my answers, don't hesitate to message me. If you have other questions, feel free to ask. I will answer them, even if it feels uncomfortable for me. It helps me to heal answering questions. Stay tuned for my next blog post coming very soon, "Being Mom and Dad".
Sunday, October 12, 2014
The Darkest Hours
So I have asked a few of my readers what they wanted to hear about most in my next blog and the general answer I got was "How did you manage to stay so calm, collected and strong throughout the entire funeral process?" Well my friends, that is what I will tell you about tonight. How I managed to put on that front when telling the most important people to me that Dustin was now gone and how I managed to make the final preparations for my husband that started just hours after I had found out he had passed away.
I want to start by saying it really was not as easy as I was making it seem. But at the same time, I had never been through any of this before so I honestly didn't know what to fully expect. I didn't know what to say to his mom, dad, sister or grandparents. I didn't know how to tell my mom, dad and step mom, brothers and sister and grandparents. But I just did. I started with the most important next to me. Dustin's mom. That was the hardest phone call I had to make. I had to tell his mother that her worst fears had come true. That he had passed away while still serving in the Air Force. Thank goodness it wasn't because he was killed in action but it still was not what I wanted to be calling her for. I will never forget that phone call. I will never forget how I managed to sit there, having contraction after contraction, telling her that it was true. That I wasn't lying to her. That somehow, some way it was all going to be OK. That I was OK, even though I wasn't. I never shook, I never trembled and I never cried to her because I knew that I needed to stay strong, for him. Phone call after phone call I never cried. I did, however, cry to the Commander, the First Shirt, the Assistant First Shirt and my best friend and key spouse all in between phone calls. But for some reason I felt that I needed to stay strong for those I was talking to. If I was weeping, could they have even understood me? Would they have been able to hear what I was telling them? Nope. So I did as I am known to do in super stressful situations, remained calm. But I could feel him calming my nerves. I could feel his hand on mine and his voice telling me that I was doing a great job. That I was staying so strong and that he was so proud of me for doing so. After I called his mom I tried to get a hold of my mom. But she was flying that day and I was unable to get her immediately. I tried my dad, no answer. He was traveling for work. I then tried my step mom and she answered. I told her the news and she was just as shocked as everyone else was. But, she offered to come take the kids so that I could do what I needed to do for all of this. Within 2 hours she was there and took them to Mesa so that I could finish what I needed to. I am ever so grateful to her for doing that. I don't know what I would've done having to finish phone calls, paperwork and deal with my emotions all while having to care for them. As the day progressed I got phone calls from family members and friends. I had friends come by to see me. One friend in particular said that as soon as she walked into my house she could feel this calming feeling around me. I was kind of stunned because my world was crumbling right in front of me. But to this day I say it was Dustin holding me tight and helping me to cope.
Well, in between family and friends, I got other phone calls I didn't expect. I didn't know that mortuary affairs would be calling me, setting up disposition of his remains and funeral arrangements. I didn't know that casualty affairs would be calling me, informing me of all the different pays we were entitled to and would be receiving. I didn't know that the very next day I would be having briefings with both of them to sign all of the necessary paperwork so that the military could start their side of the process to get him home to me, to get me the pays I needed in order to survive without him and to get the funeral paid for. So, as these phone calls and briefings came at me I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how to act. I didn't know what to say when they told me certain things. So I just did and said what came to my mind. (Luckily being a young military wife showed and prepared me for all of this without me even knowing it.)
Mortuary affairs called first, at least that's what I can remember. Ring, ring, ring. Hello? Oh, hi. Ya I'm free to discuss that right not. Wow, OK. Uuuummmmm, sure lets do the steel casket instead of the wooden one. Shoot, I need a funeral home? I need to pick a cemetery? Can I get back to you on that? I just found out, haven't even put any thought into that. He will be coming home when? March 26? Can we make it a day earlier or a day later? That's my birthday and I would really prefer I didn't have that type of homecoming on my birthday. OK, thank you. What's your email address? Phone number? (as I'm fumbling to find any piece of paper and pen I could in my room) Great, I got it. I will call or email you later today. BAM, just like that I had made some of the first final preparations for my husband not even realizing what was going on. Nope, this is not happening, this is seriously just a dream. He's going to message me. He's going to call me and say "Gotcha!" Ring, ring, ring! Hello? Hi, so tomorrow you will be coming to have me sign paperwork so I can receive his life insurance policy, stay on insurance, start the paperwork for all of the pay benefits for the kids and try to explain all of this to me? Oh boy, OK. Yes tomorrow at 1000 works. Thanks. BAM, just like that, right after Mortuary Affairs, Casualty Affairs was taken care of. Now what? My brain had just been put through a whirlwind! Did this all really just happen? Did I OK them to send his "remains" home? Is this really Dustin we were talking about? Yes, yes it was. It wasn't a dream like I kept telling myself. I shed so many tears that day. I didn't know I had that many tears to shed. But when you have true love like we did, there is no amount of tears that can feel sufficient enough to shed for when they leave you.
The next day I made it through my briefings, but I could not have done it without my parents. Unfortunately they had been through a few funerals and had helped with the preparations so they kind of knew what to expect. I am ever so glad they were there. I mean come on, I was a 24 year old pregnant woman who just lost the love of her life and man of her dreams. Was I really being held responsible for all of this? Yup, I had to. So they helped to lead and guide me in those briefings with Casualty Affairs and Mortuary Affairs. They helped me to pick a funeral home and a cemetery. Which luckily Dustin and I had discussed before he left as a precautionary. But that didn't make it any easier. The funeral home we discussed has been family friends for years, so that made for an easy decision. And the cemetery is a very nice, well kept cemetery that happened to be where my grandpa was buried. Now that those had been decided upon the nitty gritty of the funeral got started. I needed to plan the program. Here we go, this really has to be a dream!! I should not be planning my husbands funeral at 24, 27 weeks pregnant! But I was and it continued to shock me. As I planned the program I prayed and pondered almost night and day about who I should have speak, what songs I should have sung, who the honorary paulbearers should be, what day he should be laid to rest? I felt as if I was on auto pilot throughout this whole process. I honestly can't remember many of the details from planning the actual funeral. I just woke up everyday with a to-do list that I had thought about all night and got it done. And as many of you know, don't stand in my way when something is on my mind. I will get it done and I will do so in a timely manner, however that needs to happen. As the next week passed we celebrated my birthday, as much guilt as I felt for doing so my family insisted on it. So we did. It was the best thing I could have done. I received two gifts from him that day as well. One of which he never got the chance to order but that I had known about, contacted the seller and made arrangements for it to arrive on my birthday. Those two gifts I will forever cherish and they helped to get me through all of this. That next evening he was scheduled to arrive back in Arizona. As I prepared to go see him arrive at the airport I got butterflies in my tummy and shook like crazy. The same feeling I'd get every time I got ready to go on a date with him. I always wanted to look my best for him and I always got butterflies before I'd see him wondering if he'd think I looked beautiful. But these were a different kind of butterflies. They were a terrified kind of butterflies. Terrified of what would happen to me watching my husbands casket be unloaded off the airplane. Oh how my body hurt. How my heart felt like it stopped. This was not the homecoming I had wanted for us. This was not what I had pictured it would be. But before we left I had my dad give me a blessing and I am 100% positive that is what helped me through that night. As I watched the plane come into the gate my heart sunk. There he was. In the cargo of that plane. In just a few short moments, I'd be watching the cargo crew and the Honor Guard unload Dustin from the airplane. I have never felt so weak in my entire life. I have never felt so sick in my entire life. I have never felt so hurt. But, I managed to stand tall, proud of the homecoming he did have. As much as it wasn't what I wanted, the pride and respect from all of the police, fire, passengers of the airplane and other military members was breathtaking. Their pride and respect helped keep me standing. To know that they were there for my husband who had died honorably for his country was priceless. I could feel their love for him and that made me so proud to be his wife, the one left to carry on his legacy.
It finally came time to lay him to rest. I had been dreading that day since the day I found out. I didn't want to say my final good bye. I didn't want my kids to see their daddy be laid to rest, in the ground to never see him again. Ready or not, here it was. I was an emotional wreck. I don't remember how much of that I showed but I was completely falling apart on the inside. I would never be able to see him again in my earthly life and that was a lot to swallow at now 25. Most of our kids would never know their daddy. How unfair was this? So unfair. So incredibly unfair. But was this going to change any of it? No, unfortunately it was not going to change a damn thing. So we did it. We stood there and listened to that 21 gun salute, the trumpet play Taps, watched them fold his flag and present it to me and all of our kids and listened to the final AMMO call his fellow AMMO troops made for him. And just like that, it was all done. He was laid to rest and my new normal had begun. Without him, completely on auto pilot until months later when it all started to slow down and life really began.
Throughout all of this I can not begin to tell you of all the love and support I had come my way. My best friend and key spouse set up a meal train for us. Many church members brought over survival care baskets for the kids and I. So many past and present AMMO troops sent their condolences. His Commander from Korea called me nightly just to talk and make sure I was taking the time I needed for myself so that I could keep chugging on. People I didn't even know helped to contribute to a fundraiser Chili's agreed to put on for us. Friends sent me messages on Facebook expressing their condolences and offering their help in anyway possible. Amazing family and friends give me priesthood blessing after priesthood blessing. Knowing that all of these people, near and far, wanted to help the kids and I was just amazing. I can not express enough thanks to all of you for how much this helped me through all of this. How much it still helps me to this day. Without having all of you to be strong for I believe I would have crumbled. But with you all showing me how much we meant to you and that you all wanted to help the kids and I, I managed to stay even stronger. And for those of you who have known me for a LONG TIME, know that I am not someone to normally break down under stress to begin with. I somehow work better, harder and faster under stress and I try to not let it break me. So to add all of the love and support from all over the world just boosted how I managed to put on my front, keep on chugging and how I continue to keep on chugging.
I want to start by saying it really was not as easy as I was making it seem. But at the same time, I had never been through any of this before so I honestly didn't know what to fully expect. I didn't know what to say to his mom, dad, sister or grandparents. I didn't know how to tell my mom, dad and step mom, brothers and sister and grandparents. But I just did. I started with the most important next to me. Dustin's mom. That was the hardest phone call I had to make. I had to tell his mother that her worst fears had come true. That he had passed away while still serving in the Air Force. Thank goodness it wasn't because he was killed in action but it still was not what I wanted to be calling her for. I will never forget that phone call. I will never forget how I managed to sit there, having contraction after contraction, telling her that it was true. That I wasn't lying to her. That somehow, some way it was all going to be OK. That I was OK, even though I wasn't. I never shook, I never trembled and I never cried to her because I knew that I needed to stay strong, for him. Phone call after phone call I never cried. I did, however, cry to the Commander, the First Shirt, the Assistant First Shirt and my best friend and key spouse all in between phone calls. But for some reason I felt that I needed to stay strong for those I was talking to. If I was weeping, could they have even understood me? Would they have been able to hear what I was telling them? Nope. So I did as I am known to do in super stressful situations, remained calm. But I could feel him calming my nerves. I could feel his hand on mine and his voice telling me that I was doing a great job. That I was staying so strong and that he was so proud of me for doing so. After I called his mom I tried to get a hold of my mom. But she was flying that day and I was unable to get her immediately. I tried my dad, no answer. He was traveling for work. I then tried my step mom and she answered. I told her the news and she was just as shocked as everyone else was. But, she offered to come take the kids so that I could do what I needed to do for all of this. Within 2 hours she was there and took them to Mesa so that I could finish what I needed to. I am ever so grateful to her for doing that. I don't know what I would've done having to finish phone calls, paperwork and deal with my emotions all while having to care for them. As the day progressed I got phone calls from family members and friends. I had friends come by to see me. One friend in particular said that as soon as she walked into my house she could feel this calming feeling around me. I was kind of stunned because my world was crumbling right in front of me. But to this day I say it was Dustin holding me tight and helping me to cope.
Well, in between family and friends, I got other phone calls I didn't expect. I didn't know that mortuary affairs would be calling me, setting up disposition of his remains and funeral arrangements. I didn't know that casualty affairs would be calling me, informing me of all the different pays we were entitled to and would be receiving. I didn't know that the very next day I would be having briefings with both of them to sign all of the necessary paperwork so that the military could start their side of the process to get him home to me, to get me the pays I needed in order to survive without him and to get the funeral paid for. So, as these phone calls and briefings came at me I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how to act. I didn't know what to say when they told me certain things. So I just did and said what came to my mind. (Luckily being a young military wife showed and prepared me for all of this without me even knowing it.)
Mortuary affairs called first, at least that's what I can remember. Ring, ring, ring. Hello? Oh, hi. Ya I'm free to discuss that right not. Wow, OK. Uuuummmmm, sure lets do the steel casket instead of the wooden one. Shoot, I need a funeral home? I need to pick a cemetery? Can I get back to you on that? I just found out, haven't even put any thought into that. He will be coming home when? March 26? Can we make it a day earlier or a day later? That's my birthday and I would really prefer I didn't have that type of homecoming on my birthday. OK, thank you. What's your email address? Phone number? (as I'm fumbling to find any piece of paper and pen I could in my room) Great, I got it. I will call or email you later today. BAM, just like that I had made some of the first final preparations for my husband not even realizing what was going on. Nope, this is not happening, this is seriously just a dream. He's going to message me. He's going to call me and say "Gotcha!" Ring, ring, ring! Hello? Hi, so tomorrow you will be coming to have me sign paperwork so I can receive his life insurance policy, stay on insurance, start the paperwork for all of the pay benefits for the kids and try to explain all of this to me? Oh boy, OK. Yes tomorrow at 1000 works. Thanks. BAM, just like that, right after Mortuary Affairs, Casualty Affairs was taken care of. Now what? My brain had just been put through a whirlwind! Did this all really just happen? Did I OK them to send his "remains" home? Is this really Dustin we were talking about? Yes, yes it was. It wasn't a dream like I kept telling myself. I shed so many tears that day. I didn't know I had that many tears to shed. But when you have true love like we did, there is no amount of tears that can feel sufficient enough to shed for when they leave you.
The next day I made it through my briefings, but I could not have done it without my parents. Unfortunately they had been through a few funerals and had helped with the preparations so they kind of knew what to expect. I am ever so glad they were there. I mean come on, I was a 24 year old pregnant woman who just lost the love of her life and man of her dreams. Was I really being held responsible for all of this? Yup, I had to. So they helped to lead and guide me in those briefings with Casualty Affairs and Mortuary Affairs. They helped me to pick a funeral home and a cemetery. Which luckily Dustin and I had discussed before he left as a precautionary. But that didn't make it any easier. The funeral home we discussed has been family friends for years, so that made for an easy decision. And the cemetery is a very nice, well kept cemetery that happened to be where my grandpa was buried. Now that those had been decided upon the nitty gritty of the funeral got started. I needed to plan the program. Here we go, this really has to be a dream!! I should not be planning my husbands funeral at 24, 27 weeks pregnant! But I was and it continued to shock me. As I planned the program I prayed and pondered almost night and day about who I should have speak, what songs I should have sung, who the honorary paulbearers should be, what day he should be laid to rest? I felt as if I was on auto pilot throughout this whole process. I honestly can't remember many of the details from planning the actual funeral. I just woke up everyday with a to-do list that I had thought about all night and got it done. And as many of you know, don't stand in my way when something is on my mind. I will get it done and I will do so in a timely manner, however that needs to happen. As the next week passed we celebrated my birthday, as much guilt as I felt for doing so my family insisted on it. So we did. It was the best thing I could have done. I received two gifts from him that day as well. One of which he never got the chance to order but that I had known about, contacted the seller and made arrangements for it to arrive on my birthday. Those two gifts I will forever cherish and they helped to get me through all of this. That next evening he was scheduled to arrive back in Arizona. As I prepared to go see him arrive at the airport I got butterflies in my tummy and shook like crazy. The same feeling I'd get every time I got ready to go on a date with him. I always wanted to look my best for him and I always got butterflies before I'd see him wondering if he'd think I looked beautiful. But these were a different kind of butterflies. They were a terrified kind of butterflies. Terrified of what would happen to me watching my husbands casket be unloaded off the airplane. Oh how my body hurt. How my heart felt like it stopped. This was not the homecoming I had wanted for us. This was not what I had pictured it would be. But before we left I had my dad give me a blessing and I am 100% positive that is what helped me through that night. As I watched the plane come into the gate my heart sunk. There he was. In the cargo of that plane. In just a few short moments, I'd be watching the cargo crew and the Honor Guard unload Dustin from the airplane. I have never felt so weak in my entire life. I have never felt so sick in my entire life. I have never felt so hurt. But, I managed to stand tall, proud of the homecoming he did have. As much as it wasn't what I wanted, the pride and respect from all of the police, fire, passengers of the airplane and other military members was breathtaking. Their pride and respect helped keep me standing. To know that they were there for my husband who had died honorably for his country was priceless. I could feel their love for him and that made me so proud to be his wife, the one left to carry on his legacy.
It finally came time to lay him to rest. I had been dreading that day since the day I found out. I didn't want to say my final good bye. I didn't want my kids to see their daddy be laid to rest, in the ground to never see him again. Ready or not, here it was. I was an emotional wreck. I don't remember how much of that I showed but I was completely falling apart on the inside. I would never be able to see him again in my earthly life and that was a lot to swallow at now 25. Most of our kids would never know their daddy. How unfair was this? So unfair. So incredibly unfair. But was this going to change any of it? No, unfortunately it was not going to change a damn thing. So we did it. We stood there and listened to that 21 gun salute, the trumpet play Taps, watched them fold his flag and present it to me and all of our kids and listened to the final AMMO call his fellow AMMO troops made for him. And just like that, it was all done. He was laid to rest and my new normal had begun. Without him, completely on auto pilot until months later when it all started to slow down and life really began.
Throughout all of this I can not begin to tell you of all the love and support I had come my way. My best friend and key spouse set up a meal train for us. Many church members brought over survival care baskets for the kids and I. So many past and present AMMO troops sent their condolences. His Commander from Korea called me nightly just to talk and make sure I was taking the time I needed for myself so that I could keep chugging on. People I didn't even know helped to contribute to a fundraiser Chili's agreed to put on for us. Friends sent me messages on Facebook expressing their condolences and offering their help in anyway possible. Amazing family and friends give me priesthood blessing after priesthood blessing. Knowing that all of these people, near and far, wanted to help the kids and I was just amazing. I can not express enough thanks to all of you for how much this helped me through all of this. How much it still helps me to this day. Without having all of you to be strong for I believe I would have crumbled. But with you all showing me how much we meant to you and that you all wanted to help the kids and I, I managed to stay even stronger. And for those of you who have known me for a LONG TIME, know that I am not someone to normally break down under stress to begin with. I somehow work better, harder and faster under stress and I try to not let it break me. So to add all of the love and support from all over the world just boosted how I managed to put on my front, keep on chugging and how I continue to keep on chugging.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Everlasting Beginnings
As many of you know, Dustin and I are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Also known to everyone as Mormons. Yeah, yeah, yeah, some of you might be shocked by this if you didn't know already, but we are. Not perfect in any way shape or form, but it is what we fully believe in. Lots of you have heard me say that our love and marriage is eternal. Well, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, that is what we believe to be true when you are sealed (married) in the temple. That you will be together for all time and eternity. I honestly did not know how true that was until I truly felt my marriage had ended. I mean, do we really know what happens after we die? Where do we really go? Unfortunately I still don't know those answers 100% but I do know there is a heaven and that the covenants made between Dustin, our Heavenly Father and I have not been broken. You see, before anyone knew something was wrong our oldest girl AmyLynn, who is 4, had come running frantically down the hall very late into the night on Monday, March 17. She was screaming out to me, "Mommy!! Mommy!! Where is daddy? Where is he? Something is wrong! Have you heard from him yet??" Being the mom I am I reassured her that everything would be OK and that her daddy was most likely fine. He was probably at work and didn't have time to message us because they were so swamped and that we'd get to Skype with him the next morning. I put her back to bed and noticed that all of our lights in the house were on. Hmmm. OK, weird. I thought I had turned them all off. Oh well, pregnancy brain gets the best of me after being pregnant 4 times. So off all the lights went and off to bed I tried to go. Tuesday morning came and went and then the inevitable happened. Little did I know how close Dustin would be to me and to our children throughout the next 2 weeks. And how close he has remained to us since that day. I could feel him so close, almost talking me through all of the final decision making I had to do hours, days and weeks after his death. I could feel him with me almost all the time and that was a huge comfort to me. There was one time that I could actually, physically see him. It was when we were putting the finishing touches to his temple garments for burial. I had struggled with what to bury him in. We had discussed this in private together before he left but it was a hard decision to make once the time actually came around. I prayed and pondered so earnestly for an answer and finally decided he needed to be in his temple garments. He was very happy and proud to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I knew he would want to be in what made him the most proud. So as we finished putting the final touches on, I saw him. Oh how angelic and lively he looked! He had his big, happy grin on his face and gave me this look like, "You did it babe. Thank you." Right then and there I knew he was already telling everyone he could about the kids and I and how proud he was of us and how he couldn't wait to be with all of us again. No matter how long the wait. the day finally came that we had to lay him to rest. AmyLynn was very concerned about her daddy and the bugs getting to him because he had been buried in the ground. So we took her out to go see where he was buried and explain to her that daddy would be just fine and was very protected under ground. Right then I could feel him with me and what AmyLynn told me next brought tears to my eyes and confirmation to my being. Remember earlier how I explained how she had come running frantically down the hall that Monday night? Well, she explained to me what had happened that night. As we conversed together she had informed me that her daddy had come to see her and tell her that Heavenly Father was calling him home and that he was going to miss his little Goose so badly but that he was going to be OK. That he needed her to be a big girl and help mommy with her brother and sisters because he wasn't going to be there anymore. She said she had begged him not to go and that they were crying together and he gave her a hug and said he had to go but that he loved her so very much and would miss her so very much but he would never be very far and would always be able to watch her and love her from above. She said he hugged her so tight, told her he loved her one last time and said good bye and then he was gone. She said she turned on all the lights in the house because she was trying to find him and when she couldn't that's when she came to find me. Wow. OK. If that wasn't a testimony builder right there, I don't know what is! After hearing that from our 4 year old daughter, who couldn't have made that up if she tried, I knew right then and there that he was still living and that the feelings of him being so close were real. He may not be physically here anymore but his spirit was still very much alive and he wanted to make sure she knew that he was going to be OK.
Four days after Dustin was buried our church had its semi-annual General Conference. In the 4th session of that conference President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke on something that changed my life forever and for the better. He spoke to all about how we need to be grateful for everything even in the darkest hours of our lives. He also talked about everlasting beginnings. Now you might be asking yourself, "What in the world is an everlasting beginning?" Well, as I listened to his talk I learned what is was. As members, like I stated earlier, we believe that once sealed (married) in the temple we will be together for all time and eternity. So, our lives together never really end, they become an everlasting beginning. To quote Pres. Uchtdorf, "There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings." It all made sense now! I mean it did before, but his talk really, truly confirmed it for me. My life didn't just end on March 19, although my human brain and heart sure seemed to think so, my life had just started! I mean, come on, I have the BEST husband out there! Who is watching, leading, guiding and continuously loving me from up above in heaven!! I might not have him here with me on this earth and a part of me will forever be missing until we are truly reunited, but our love can be felt so strongly throughout the eternities! Like we all see so many signs in our favorite store Hobby Lobby, A True Love Story Never Ends! And ours hasn't, it has only begun. It continues to grow stronger as each day passes, just as it did while we were still together in this earthly life. He helps me in ways I don't even know and I'm sure I help him in ways he doesn't even know. Yet at the same time we help each other in numerous ways that can be felt, heard and seen still to this day. I am so very grateful for the knowledge I have and the testimony that has only continued to grow since Dustin has left us from this earth. I am so very grateful that I was chosen to stay on this earth to raise our 4 beautiful children and to be able to tell them how wonderful of a love story their parents have because it is lasting through the veil. How grateful I am to have a second chance at life and be able to appreciate each and every day more than the last. As long as I can remember to be grateful, in the midst of my dark world, I will find happiness again. All because of my everlasting beginning! I am attaching the link to Pres. Uchtdorf's talk if anyone is interested in listening to it .Everlasting Beginnings
Four days after Dustin was buried our church had its semi-annual General Conference. In the 4th session of that conference President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke on something that changed my life forever and for the better. He spoke to all about how we need to be grateful for everything even in the darkest hours of our lives. He also talked about everlasting beginnings. Now you might be asking yourself, "What in the world is an everlasting beginning?" Well, as I listened to his talk I learned what is was. As members, like I stated earlier, we believe that once sealed (married) in the temple we will be together for all time and eternity. So, our lives together never really end, they become an everlasting beginning. To quote Pres. Uchtdorf, "There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings." It all made sense now! I mean it did before, but his talk really, truly confirmed it for me. My life didn't just end on March 19, although my human brain and heart sure seemed to think so, my life had just started! I mean, come on, I have the BEST husband out there! Who is watching, leading, guiding and continuously loving me from up above in heaven!! I might not have him here with me on this earth and a part of me will forever be missing until we are truly reunited, but our love can be felt so strongly throughout the eternities! Like we all see so many signs in our favorite store Hobby Lobby, A True Love Story Never Ends! And ours hasn't, it has only begun. It continues to grow stronger as each day passes, just as it did while we were still together in this earthly life. He helps me in ways I don't even know and I'm sure I help him in ways he doesn't even know. Yet at the same time we help each other in numerous ways that can be felt, heard and seen still to this day. I am so very grateful for the knowledge I have and the testimony that has only continued to grow since Dustin has left us from this earth. I am so very grateful that I was chosen to stay on this earth to raise our 4 beautiful children and to be able to tell them how wonderful of a love story their parents have because it is lasting through the veil. How grateful I am to have a second chance at life and be able to appreciate each and every day more than the last. As long as I can remember to be grateful, in the midst of my dark world, I will find happiness again. All because of my everlasting beginning! I am attaching the link to Pres. Uchtdorf's talk if anyone is interested in listening to it .Everlasting Beginnings
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