The Darkest Nights Produce the Brightest Stars

Lately as I have continued on with my days, finally settling into my new normal, I have had many "dark" hours.  Hours where I am completely alone.  Wishing I had Dustin to talk to, to lean on, to hold, to fall into and just sob.  I have had many futuristic decisions start to come my way that I want his advice on and his opinion about.  It has taken everything in me not to just completely fall apart in these moments.  But it is within these harsh yet tender moments that I have started to lean on The Lord and have Him help me brighten those dim stars within my world.

As one of my goals for 2015 I challenged myself to read the New Testament, say my prayers and go to church, as much as possible with 4 kids.  I chose to read the New Testament because it is all about Christ and his life.  And who knows better my exact pain than Him?  Now, being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints my whole life, I've always known that if I read my scriptures, say my prayers and go to church, my life will be greatly blessed.  But what I didn't really realize was my heart AND spirit had to be into the entire thing too.  So as of recently I have put my heart and spirit into these three textbook church answers and my outcome is exactly what I need right now.  

In my darkest of hours I turn to The Lord.  All day, everyday I pray to Him.  I seem to struggle the most at night, after everyone has gone to bed, though.  When I am completely alone, all chores done, all things prepared for the next day, all things quiet and settled down.  I kneel to pray, tears flowing so fervently down my cheek.  I tell Him everything that I feel He needs to know.  But most importantly, I tell Him how I am so grateful for His Plan of Salvation and that I am so happy to be able to put my trust in Him and His will for me.  As hard as it is for me to tell him that, I believe wholeheartedly in His will for me and in His Plan of Salvation for all of us.  I then turn to my scriptures and read a chapter or two a night.  Feeding my spirit with goodness, peace, strength, courage and comfort from the examples I am learning from Christ.  When I go to church on Sundays I actually listen.  I pay attention to what He wants me to hear and learn about.  I am also keeping my end of the covenants Dustin and I made together in the Temple, with The Lord.  And by doing all of this I am seeing the many blessings come in my direction.  

How do I know I am being completely blessed you might ask?  I can see and feel Him all around me. Now can I physically see and feel Him?  Nope.  But by being so spiritually in tune, I am able to see signs from Him.  I can feel His goodness.  I am starting to see His work unfold right in front of my eyes.  For example, a couple months ago I prayed and fasted for patience with our kids.  They try mine SO much at times, but lately I have been able to hold my tongue, to a much greater extent, and see what I need to do instead of just completely freaking out.  I have also noticed a difference within myself.  I am more calm, at peace with finding myself and actually happy with the way life is going right now.  I see the little signs from Dustin all day as well.  Letting me know that he is still there, still loves me, misses me and is proud of who I am becoming without him.  Before I started putting my heart AND spirit into all of these things I was having a much harder time.  Days were so stressful, nights were unbearable.  But I have noticed a night and day difference since starting all of this three short weeks ago.

It's so interesting to see how much of a difference it all really makes to be that close to our Heavenly Father, also.  I was not nearly this close when I started my journey as a widow.  And to say that I have come this close now and to feel the difference, simply beautiful.  This is why my nights are now starting to be filled with beautiful bright stars.  I am lighting my darkness with His goodness and by doing so I am being blessed beyond belief.  And I know if I continue down this road I will be nothing but blessed and my life here on this earth really will feel as if it is a fraction in my eternal life!

Reminisce

As many of you know, I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary yesterday without Dustin.  It would've been six years for us. Yes, six short years.  But as I thought long and hard about those six short years I came to the conclusion that they have been the BEST six years of my entire life thus far.

Within the week leading up to this day, I had noticed that different songs on the radio were being played.  Songs that were near and dear to us as we'd talked about the unimaginable.  They all have to do with going on in life without the one you truly love.  So by listening to those songs, which have not played on the actually radio since he passed, I knew he was missing me just as much as I was missing him.  But that didn't change my emotions leading up to this day.  My anticipation was horrible.  My anxiety was high.  My fear was WAY high.  My emotions, not even on the chart!  But, like any other day, it was coming whether I was ready or not.  So I prayed and I prayed good and long and hard.  For strength, for courage, for peace and comfort, to be able to feel him closer than normal, for guidance and for faith.  As I prayed I felt an overwhelming peace overcome my spirit.  I could feel his everlasting, loving embrace.

The day started out rough, round three of the stomach flu made it's way in again so I was cleaning up vomit.  I was also calming a poor little boy with an awful croopy cough, soothing a little girl's eczema and soothing a teething baby.  Nothing of which I had in mind for this day, but parenting doesn't stop.  So as I sat there after breakfast, being as negative as I could be about my current situation, I heard him whisper to me, Darlin' it's ok.  We have SO many more anniversaries to come, cater to them today, you know I understand.  And just like that, my mood was instantly changed.  Not only did I hear him, but I felt him.  I knew that he knew I was sad.  For more than just those reasons and he wanted me to know that it was ok.

I immediately thought, Oh crap now it's snack time, Teddy Bear toast it is!!  So I made all of us Teddy bear toast with peanut butter, strawberries and chocolate chips.  As we all sat at the table I showed them our wedding pictures and told them our story.  The way they lit up was priceless to me.  Getting to see how happy they were learning about their mommy and daddy like that was all I needed to carry on.  And that's when it really hit me, I really do have these four beautiful blessings from him.  And even though they totally stress me out all day every day, they are our blessings and they go to show our undivided love for each other.

The day continued and seemed to get better as each moment passed.  That evening we went to grab take out food, go have a picnic with him and give him a rose that his grandparents had given me the night before.  It was the best picnic we've had yet.  The kids all mostly sat there, talked a little with him, asked me questions about him and I and actually ate their food (which is HUGE for them!)  We got home, I bathed them all and put them to bed.  They all slept well for me and I was able to get almost a full night's rest!,

So a day that could have  totally gone in another direction didn't because I listed to his still small voice, controlled my mind and enjoyed the day.  All of the anticipation leading up to this day had eased.  All of the anxieties had vanished and all of the fear had disappeared.  I also learned that even though he is on the other side of the veil, our love, the covenants we made in the temple together and our soul finally becoming as one, has not changed.  He is fully aware of what I am going through and I am fully aware that he is still with me.  It's not how I want it to be, but he is there.  Every step of the way.  And I am so grateful for this.  I am so grateful to know that even though he has been able to move on to his heavenly life, he hasn't forgotten about me.  Nor have I forgotten about him.  And being the one entrusted to carry on his legacy and raise his posterity is the greatest blessing I could ever ask for!  Just like he'd tell me all the time, if you look hard enough, there is beauty and a blessing in everything :)

New Year, New Me

Can we all breath a little better now that the holidays are done?  I know I can!!  Phew, I got through them.  I can say now that I have made it through my first set of MAJOR holidays without Dustin.  As painful as it was, I did it and I enjoyed every minute of them.  Although, ringing in the New Year had to have been the hardest for me to endure.  So many different emotions were running through me before and after midnight that night.  Many I had actually already experienced with the birth of TessieAnn, our youngest.  So tonight, I write to you about these emotions that have catapulted me into my "new" life.

Just like with every New Year you get excited, overwhelmed, full of joy from what you have been able to accomplish in the past year.  Which were all emotions I felt, even though this has been the SADDEST year of my life thus far, I was able to accomplish many positive things.  Which brought me so much joy to end the year.  But starting a new one?  Already?  It feels like just yesterday that Dustin and I rang in 2014!  Planning out our year apart, what we were going to accomplish financially while he was gone etc.  The pain from not being able to finish things we had started or having to finish them without him weighed heavily on my heart and soul.  For a long time I have wanted to go back in time, have him not pass away and change my life story.  But I can't.  What's done is done and I can't change that.  As painful as that fact is, its a true fact.  So as it got closer to midnight, I let my mind take in those thoughts of sadness and pain.  But I also let into my mind the thoughts and emotions of rebirth and regrowth.  I let myself be OK partially closing the chapter with Dustin until it can be reopened on the other side of the veil.  I let myself feel and know that it is OK to start anew.  To not forget who I was with him but to know that it is OK to put some of that away in my memories.

One thing I have learned, though, through this journey of grief is mind control.  The more mind control you have, the easier it seems to be.  Which is honestly something Dustin helped me to know and understand and I will forever be grateful to him for this.  Without him helping me to know and understand this, I wouldn't be in the amazing spot I am today with my grief.  I wouldn't have been able to get through New Year's Eve like I did and be able to feel, know and understand all of these many emotions.

OK, back to my New Year.  I have had many people ask me what my 2015 resolutions are.  I am here to tell you that I don't have any.  To me, resolutions are broken promises to yourself you make to try and start anew.  Not said that they are bad, that's just my opinion of them.  Now goals on the other hand, they are stepping stones to put you where you want to go.  Life is not about making each, individual year mean something.  Life is about making many years mean a whole lot of somethings.  I mean think about it, how fast did 2014 go for you?  If it was as fast as mine, you barely had time to breath let alone complete your resolutions.  So why not set goals for years down the road and make stepping stones to get where you really want to be in life?  Most of us seem to not be as hard on ourselves with goals and we can break them down easier than resolutions.  And that word just seems to have such an overwhelming ring to it.  As a person with anxiety, being overwhelmed is not where its at.  So this year I have made goals for myself that start my beautifully imperfect paved walkway into finding myself again.  It's not going to be easy by any means, but it is all going to be worth it.  Because in the end I will be with him again.  In the words of Carrie Underwood, "I will see you again, oh, this is not where it ends!  I will carry you with me, oh, till I see you again!"

So here's to 2015!!  A year full of goals to get me where I want to be in MY life!!  For the present and the future!!