My heart ache started before I even knew Dustin was dead. Like I wrote in my last post, I knew something was wrong before the military told me and that is when my heartache started. When you love someone as much as we loved each other, you worry about them. You worry about their well being, you care so deeply for them it's as if you are inside them feeling the same pains they do. So when I wasn't hearing from him I started to worry. I started to have heart aches for him and his well being. Well, we all know what happened next and that is when my heart literally experienced a heart break. It was no longer a heart ache. My heart literally broke. Ok, maybe not literally, but you all know what I mean. I was never going to get to talk to him again. I was never going to get to hug him, kiss him, feel as if we were one or see him alive. Those feelings my friends are the worst ones in the entire world. To know that his last "I love you" really was the last time I'd hear that (or read it) was a stab in the heart. To listen to those words from his CO and the Chaplin stabbed my heart. For the next 2 weeks my heart would be stabbed a gazillion more times. And I thought that would be the end of it. But it wasn't. For the next 6 months my heart was stabbed and has continued to be stabbed as each item from Korea arrived and had to be inventoried, as each special date has come and gone, as I've found out certain things that sometimes I wish I could erase from my memory. But somehow I have managed to stay strong, steadfast and full of courage. I've managed to stand unwavering through all of this. I've managed to pick myself up, dust myself off and say, "Ok Bri, let's do this!" Why? Because of him. Because I know he wouldn't want me to be a depressed mother of 4 young, vibrant children who need their mommy to lead and guide them and help them in their grieving process too. I know he wouldn't want me to dwell on the past and be negative about it, nor be so depressed. So I continue to live my life for him. I continue to stay positive so that I can learn to be happy again and heal my broken heart. Like Dusty always said, this life is about living so live it to its fullest! Never say you can't, never stop believing in yourself, never let go. So that is what I'm doing. I might not have him here with me anymore, but he is still right by my side, helping me every step of the way. My heart will always have a missing piece but that missing piece never really is missing, he's just waiting for me on the other side. He's looking down on me watching every thing I do and thinking to himself, "Damn, I married one hell of a woman!" Which is why Heavenly Father chose me to be put through this trial. He knew that I could make it. That I could weather this storm, unwavering, steadfast and full of courage and strength. So remember my dear friends. Life is fragile, but it is the only life you get to live. Live it to its fullest and do so in the most positive way you know how. Don't go to bed angry, don't forget to say I love you before you walk out that door, don't hold grudges for too long. You never know when it is going to be your last earthly kiss, your last earthly I love you or your last earthly moment with them. Live, laugh and love my friends. You wont regret it.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
My Heartache
Yup, you read the title right. I am going to tell you about my heart ache. But, I am also going to uplift you and give you an insight on how I remain so strong. So, grab your tissues and your snuggle blanket like I have done and read along.
Monday, September 22, 2014
W-Day
You might be asking yourself, What in the world is W-Day? Well, we all know that day in history called D-Day right? It was a life changing day for everyone, right? Well, I call March 19 W-Day. The day my life changed in the blink of an eye. Its the day they say I became a Widow. Now, I say its the day they say I became a widow because its the day they found my poor husband, alone in his dorm room unresponsive. Its the day they came and rang my door bell making my heart literally stop and my body feel the worst pain it has EVER felt.
It started off like any normal morning did. Kids got up earlier than I wanted, the whining started immediately, no one wanted to eat breakfast and I kept checking my phone for a message from him. I had been really worried because I hadn't heard from him since Monday morning. Which was not like him at all. He would message me ANY chance he got and visa versa. I kept telling myself that he was just busy. I mean lets be honest here, he was in Korea, just finished a 100% inventory and those are not easy. I messaged friend after friend letting them know of my concern. All who reassured me he was probably fine. He was in KOREA! Nothing happens to them in Korea. They go there, they work hard, they visit us halfway and then they come home and we move on. Unfortunately, that didn't happen for me. As each day passed, I had the WORST gut feeling ever. I knew something was wrong. But who wants to be that crazy ass military wife who calls their husbands CO because they haven't heard from them in a few days? I sure as heck didn't want to!! So I Googled anything and everything possible I thought could have happened in Korea. My search came up empty. And then there it hit me. Oh my gosh, something is really wrong and I am going to get a knock no later than Wednesday. Whether he is seriously hurt or he is . . . dead. So back to that morning. We had friends coming over so I could babysit their girls while their mom went to a dentist appointment. She was late. She's never late. Ok, maybe she got busy with the girls and had a hard pregnancy morning. She'll get here. 15 minutes went by and she still wasn't there. Ok, this is just really weird. Where was she? Why was she late? As I went to go grab my phone to message her and see where she was the door bell rang!! Yay!! They are here!!! The kids ran to the door SOOO excited, looked out the window but didn't see who they wanted to. Our oldest yelled out to me, "Mom!! It's two guys in blue uniforms like the nice ones daddy wears!!" What?! No . . NO . . . NNNOOO!!! If I don't answer they will go away eventually right? No, no they won't. So, tears in my eyes, I very bravely opened the door, invited them in and asked if everything was ok. They immediately asked if we could sit. Oh no, this is not good. This is a dream. Someone pinch me. I'm need to wake up from this. Well we sat down on my couch and they proceeded to tell me that they regretted to inform me that my husband, Senior Airman Dustin Owens had been found dead in his dorm room on 19 March, 2014. WHAT!!!!! This can't be true. Breath!! I'm 27 weeks pregnant. BREATH!!! He's healthy. He's in Korea. Nothing is supposed to happen to him. BREATH!!!!! I cried. I screamed. Seriously woman, B R E A T H!!!!! I had to stop and process what they had just told me. I needed to breath through my contractions I started having. What was I to do now? I don't have a college degree. I'm 27 weeks pregnant, who is going to hire a pregnant lady in her 3rd trimester? How am I going to tell our kids that daddy is never going to come home? How am I going to give birth to this sweet, tender little girl without her father? How am I going to . . . What am I going to . . . Oh Lord, this can't be true!!! But it was. The Chaplin and his CO from Davis-Monthan were so kind. In my darkest moments they reassured me that everything was going to be ok. That because my husband was in the military that they would take great care of the kids and I. Is that what I honestly wanted to hear? Not really, but it helped to somewhat put my mind at ease. The rest of that day is almost a blur to me. I remember calling family. Telling them the worst news in my entire life. I will never forget those phone calls. Oh how those phone calls hurt so very badly. It was almost worse having to call family and tell them the news. The day seemed to drag on. But throughout it all the military stayed right by my side, literally dropped everything they had going on to come make sure the kids and I were ok. And still do to this day. My church family stayed by me, dropped everything they were doing to come make sure we were ok, dropped their evening plans to come administer a blessing on me and anyone else who wanted one. I felt completely alone and like my whole world had just ended. Half my heart was gone. For the rest of my earthly life, he was gone. But in all reality, I was never alone. I still am never alone And I am so grateful for everyone who helped me in my darkest hours and for those that continue to help me through my darkest days, weeks and months. I might have become a Widow on March 19, 2014 but I have gained so much from this tragic life event. And for all that I have gained I will forever be eternally grateful. To quote a book we read quite often at night, "Lifetimes are really all the same, there is a beginning and an ending and there is living in between." None of us make it out of this world alive. God just needs some of us back much sooner than others. We all have jobs to do for Him, whether it is here on earth or it is up in heaven. We will go and be where He needs us most.
Now you might be asking yourself, How in the world is she so strong? How can she be so grateful for things that have happened after such a tragedy for her? Well, one thing my husband was very good at, was helping everyone see the positives in life. The more positive you are the better your life will be. And I am here to attest to that. I have my moments where I completely break down and ball for days. But, I pick myself up, dust myself off and keep on trucking. The better I truck along the more blessed I will be, right? So the more blessed I am, the better my life without him will be and the faster it will seem to go, making our reunion in Heaven that much greater! I am so blessed that I have the opportunity to stay here on earth and raise our 4 beautiful children. We all have an amazing guardian angel now. We might not like it and might not ever like it. But he is always there for us and will always be there for us. Like we used to say to each other all the time, To Infinity and Beyond!!!
It started off like any normal morning did. Kids got up earlier than I wanted, the whining started immediately, no one wanted to eat breakfast and I kept checking my phone for a message from him. I had been really worried because I hadn't heard from him since Monday morning. Which was not like him at all. He would message me ANY chance he got and visa versa. I kept telling myself that he was just busy. I mean lets be honest here, he was in Korea, just finished a 100% inventory and those are not easy. I messaged friend after friend letting them know of my concern. All who reassured me he was probably fine. He was in KOREA! Nothing happens to them in Korea. They go there, they work hard, they visit us halfway and then they come home and we move on. Unfortunately, that didn't happen for me. As each day passed, I had the WORST gut feeling ever. I knew something was wrong. But who wants to be that crazy ass military wife who calls their husbands CO because they haven't heard from them in a few days? I sure as heck didn't want to!! So I Googled anything and everything possible I thought could have happened in Korea. My search came up empty. And then there it hit me. Oh my gosh, something is really wrong and I am going to get a knock no later than Wednesday. Whether he is seriously hurt or he is . . . dead. So back to that morning. We had friends coming over so I could babysit their girls while their mom went to a dentist appointment. She was late. She's never late. Ok, maybe she got busy with the girls and had a hard pregnancy morning. She'll get here. 15 minutes went by and she still wasn't there. Ok, this is just really weird. Where was she? Why was she late? As I went to go grab my phone to message her and see where she was the door bell rang!! Yay!! They are here!!! The kids ran to the door SOOO excited, looked out the window but didn't see who they wanted to. Our oldest yelled out to me, "Mom!! It's two guys in blue uniforms like the nice ones daddy wears!!" What?! No . . NO . . . NNNOOO!!! If I don't answer they will go away eventually right? No, no they won't. So, tears in my eyes, I very bravely opened the door, invited them in and asked if everything was ok. They immediately asked if we could sit. Oh no, this is not good. This is a dream. Someone pinch me. I'm need to wake up from this. Well we sat down on my couch and they proceeded to tell me that they regretted to inform me that my husband, Senior Airman Dustin Owens had been found dead in his dorm room on 19 March, 2014. WHAT!!!!! This can't be true. Breath!! I'm 27 weeks pregnant. BREATH!!! He's healthy. He's in Korea. Nothing is supposed to happen to him. BREATH!!!!! I cried. I screamed. Seriously woman, B R E A T H!!!!! I had to stop and process what they had just told me. I needed to breath through my contractions I started having. What was I to do now? I don't have a college degree. I'm 27 weeks pregnant, who is going to hire a pregnant lady in her 3rd trimester? How am I going to tell our kids that daddy is never going to come home? How am I going to give birth to this sweet, tender little girl without her father? How am I going to . . . What am I going to . . . Oh Lord, this can't be true!!! But it was. The Chaplin and his CO from Davis-Monthan were so kind. In my darkest moments they reassured me that everything was going to be ok. That because my husband was in the military that they would take great care of the kids and I. Is that what I honestly wanted to hear? Not really, but it helped to somewhat put my mind at ease. The rest of that day is almost a blur to me. I remember calling family. Telling them the worst news in my entire life. I will never forget those phone calls. Oh how those phone calls hurt so very badly. It was almost worse having to call family and tell them the news. The day seemed to drag on. But throughout it all the military stayed right by my side, literally dropped everything they had going on to come make sure the kids and I were ok. And still do to this day. My church family stayed by me, dropped everything they were doing to come make sure we were ok, dropped their evening plans to come administer a blessing on me and anyone else who wanted one. I felt completely alone and like my whole world had just ended. Half my heart was gone. For the rest of my earthly life, he was gone. But in all reality, I was never alone. I still am never alone And I am so grateful for everyone who helped me in my darkest hours and for those that continue to help me through my darkest days, weeks and months. I might have become a Widow on March 19, 2014 but I have gained so much from this tragic life event. And for all that I have gained I will forever be eternally grateful. To quote a book we read quite often at night, "Lifetimes are really all the same, there is a beginning and an ending and there is living in between." None of us make it out of this world alive. God just needs some of us back much sooner than others. We all have jobs to do for Him, whether it is here on earth or it is up in heaven. We will go and be where He needs us most.
Now you might be asking yourself, How in the world is she so strong? How can she be so grateful for things that have happened after such a tragedy for her? Well, one thing my husband was very good at, was helping everyone see the positives in life. The more positive you are the better your life will be. And I am here to attest to that. I have my moments where I completely break down and ball for days. But, I pick myself up, dust myself off and keep on trucking. The better I truck along the more blessed I will be, right? So the more blessed I am, the better my life without him will be and the faster it will seem to go, making our reunion in Heaven that much greater! I am so blessed that I have the opportunity to stay here on earth and raise our 4 beautiful children. We all have an amazing guardian angel now. We might not like it and might not ever like it. But he is always there for us and will always be there for us. Like we used to say to each other all the time, To Infinity and Beyond!!!
Friday, September 19, 2014
The History of Us
So, as I'm sure you've all gathered from my blogs name, I am a widowed AMMO wife. Which came as a 100% complete surprise to me exactly 6 months ago today. But before I go into how I became a widow at the ripe age of 24, I want to give you all the wonderful history of us. The history to the amazing, true love story that will last through the eternities.
You see, we met in high school through a wonderful mutual friend. We'd heard a lot about each other because we both played sports, him football and me softball. But neither of us knew exactly who each other were. There was no face with that name. Until one Friday night at our High School's football game, we finally were able to put a face to that name. I thought to myself, Oh my Lord!! This is him??? This is the guy that the whole softball team ALWAYS talked about??? This is the guy that was in my
CP English writing class (before I dropped it) that I got to stare at but never knew who he was??? Oh LORD!!! So handsome. So amazingly HOTT!!! Seriously took my breath away when I finally realized who he was. Now you might be asking yourself, was it love at first sight? Um, yes. In every aspect of the words. But he tested his fish in the sea before finally realizing that he should give me a shot. After he realized this, it didn't take long for him to swoop me off my feet in true Dustin fashion and ask me to be his girlfriend. With lots of amazingly, convincing words all while I celebrated my 18 birthday 7 1/2 years ago. Did this just happen? Did the man of my dreams really just ask me to be his girlfriend? YES!! HE DID!! From then on I knew I was going marry him. I knew I was going to have a family with him. I knew he was the one for me. Over the next several months of dating and him helping me through some pretty rough life changes, we grew to love each other so very deeply. Deeper than anything either of us had ever felt. We went to Senior Prom together. We graduated together. We broke up. We got back together. We moved in with each other. We moved out and away from each other. But nothing could keep us separated. We could never be without each other for longer than 24 hours. Even during a breakup. We continued to live with each other for about 2 years when I finally asked him what he was doing with his life. If he wanted to marry me and start a life with me. He immediately said of course I do! So we went looking for rings, found one and I ended up having to buy it. Yes, I payed for my engagement ring. But if it meant that I got to marry the man of my dreams, I didn't give a rats a$$!! So, we got engaged in October of 2008, while wrestling on our bed like we did for fun quite often. After the hype of us getting engaged settled I asked him again what he was gonna do as a career in life. I told him he needed to figure out what he was going to do with his life so he could pay me back for the ring and say that he payed for the engagement ring. Well, like he had always told me he wanted to do, in November he enlisted in the Air Force and decided then that he was going to make being an American Airman his career.
Soon after we were engaged though he started taking the missionary discussions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He decided pretty quickly that he wanted to be baptized so that we could be sealed together for all time and eternity. Because we were living together without being married, we moved up our wedding from April to January so he could get baptized. Completely surprised our families and it was thought to be a shotgun wedding but we wanted to do things right. It was the best decision we had ever made. We loved each other so deeply and wanted to be together for all time and eternity. We were married civilly on January 10, 2009 and he was baptized a week later. Soon after we married we became pregnant with our first baby. A sweet girl who changed our lives forever in the next best way possible after being married to each other. Dustin then left for Basic Military Training on April 7th, 2009, graduated in June and finished his technical training for his job as an AMMO troop in August. We embarked on our new adventure as a newlywed Air Force couple and pregnant with our first child on Labor Day weekend in 2009. It was a fun, new adventure we were so excited to start. We were excited to experience new things. Discover who we really were together as a couple. And we did. The next 4 1/2 years brought TDY's, long work days and weeks, 3 more kids, finally a temple sealing and a relationship that grew so tremendously it amazed everyone who knew us. But then one day this wonderful, amazing, earthly relationship came to an abrupt end. BAM. Just like that. Quicker than the blink of an eye. He was gone. My world ended. The whole history of us really truly became the history of us.
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