Reverence, is that possible?

Have you ever been in a situation that your ADHD kiddo is expected to be quiet, stay still and peaceful?

I’m sure we’ve all been in that situation. Whether it be at a doctors office, a funeral, church, a school performance, a play, family functions, military functions, other types of appts, etc. It is something that can’t be avoided, so how the heck do we get them to cooperate?! 

For the longest time I avoided those types situations. It was too overwhelming to try and control my kids in a circumstance that forced them to be controlled. I still do avoid them, depending on how I am feeling or what the circumstance/situation is. But I’ve also taught my kids certain words that mean it’s time to be quiet, still and peaceful. I’ve also taught them things to do to quietly to keep their minds going without making much, if any, noise. 

It started when they were about 18 months old. I’d teach them the word reverence/reverent. It’s a big word that is used commonly at our church, so it could be a familiar word that was also universal for me. Then once they hit kindergarten I start making them be responsible for their own bag to fill with things to help keep them quiet. I’ve taught them from a young age that seek and find books (and where’s Waldo, I spy), coloring books, fidgets (we have many), reading books and “quiet” toys can be put in the bag. I stay away from anything that could possibly make too much noise and electronics. Up until kindergarten I have supplied all of these things in “mommy’s bag” and they have to ask for permission to use anything in the bag. I still have this bag for spur of the moment times, but I feel teaching responsibility at a young age is SUPER important. 

All of this has paid off for me, too. Now that my kids are 10, 8, 7 and 5, I am able to sit through our church service and not have to really worry about my kids being irreverent. I don’t have to get on them much about being reverent and I know that they know what is expected of them when I say, it’s time to be reverent. Now, none of this would’ve happened without incredibly hard work and consistency on my part. But being consistent and doing what I didn’t want to do when it needed to be done has made this possible. And it can for you too. 

Parenthood is hard. If it’s not hard, you’re probably not doing as good of a job as you could be doing. Like my mom always told me, I’m not here to be tour best friend, I’m here to be your mom. But by her establishing that boundary, she is one of my greatest friends. This can happen with you and your kid(s), too, if you put in the hard work and determination it takes to raise good kids. 

If you want to know what I use for my kids, I’d be happy to share with you. But, you have to remember each child, their individual needs and likes/dislikes are totally different. And you’ll only find out by trying things, communicating with them about those things and by asking if they feel it’s helping them. 

How life is Now, 5 1/2 Years Later.

As many of you know, I have four kids with ADHD.  Two of them have severe ADHD, so severe it is considered a disability for them because it impacts their daily life so much.  This is the main reason I have been so absent on this blog.  Life stopped, for me, worrying about how to move forward as a widow and focused more on how to help my kids be the best version of themselves they could be.  So moving forward, I will be writing more about how life has changed dramatically for us, living and learning with ADHD.  But, I still feel it is part of my adventure as a widowed AMMO wife.  Being an AMMO wife is where my foundation started and is what has given me a lot of the strength to keep on keeping on.  So, without further adieu, here is my first post about how life has changed for us as a family full of ADHD. . .

Tonight I am going to talk about our journey into diagnosis and why medication became my saving grace.

It all started when my oldest was in the womb.  She was incredibly active from the time I could feel her moving inside my belly.  So active that I would loose a lot of sleep because of the fast and constant movements.  Once she was born, she never stopped.  Nothing would console her as a baby, not longer than 2 seconds anyway.  As she continued to grow I continued to notice that something was not quite right.  I felt she had WAY too much energy for a child of that age.  But doctors assured me I was a first time mom and just didn't know what to expect.  Which I partially took offense to.  I mean no one knows their child better than their mom.  But, whatever.  So we continued being the best parents we could and found out baby number two was rapidly coming, whether we were ready or not.  He came super fast and kind of early.  Being a preemie, he had lots of health issues.  He also had a lot of other issues that raised many red flags for me, but once again I was told that he was my first boy and boys are different than girls, so not to worry.  Fast forward 18 months and baby number three arrived and I was drowning as a mom.  My two and a half year old had the energy of a million energizer bunnies and my 1 1/2 year old had just a bit more energy.  I fought with doctor after doctor to get help for them because my mommy instincts were telling me that something was different, something was not right and they needed help.  But just as the previous doctors had told me, I was basically crazy.  Time continued on, we found out baby number four was coming and I was fit to be tied.  What was I doing to myself?  How could I possibly be mom to four kids, three of which I knew for sure had something going on.  Seven months pregnant with baby number four and my husband died.  Now what was I to do?!  Well, becoming a civilian real fast was probably the best thing that ever happened to me for my kids.  We were not dealing with military doctors anymore.  I finally was able to catch a break and get a doctor to listen to me about my kids.

My son was the first to be diagnosed.  He was diagnosed with an alphabet of disorders.  GAD, SPD, ASD, ADHD-C.  Oh. My. Word.  But I FINALLY had answers to all of his issues.  I had a direction to go and a light at the end of the tunnel!  At first, I was totally against medication for him as well.  I wanted to try natural remedies and therapy to help him.  But then he started preschool.  Things were now expected of him that hadn't been expected before.  The teacher could not control him and it almost was a disaster, until I changed my mind about medication.  Which was the best decision I ever made.  He was five at the time and his life changed for the better, too.  It has been a huge trial and error process with medication for him and now that he is almost nine, we have a combination of medications that work.  He is a successful member of society and school and no one can even tell that he has ADHD-C, ASD, GAD or SPD.  Miracle.

He helped pave the way for his older sister.  Now that I had my toughest kid under control, I could start to focus on the rest.  My oldest was right behind him in getting diagnosis and being put on medication.  She was diagnosed with ADHD-C and GAD at 6 and started meds immediately.  She is 10 now and we are still working on finding the right combination of medications for her.  But, what many don't understand, is that medicating for ADHD is a work in progress.  All. The. Time.  Especially for girls because they have hormonal changes that affect the way the medication works for them.  Finding the right psychiatrist and not getting discouraged is the best way to tackle medicating for ADHD.  As well as having the patience of a saint, or two, or three.

A few things to keep in mind while getting diagnosis and trying out medications:

• Don't get discouraged, you and your child are doing the best with what you have
• They are just as uncomfortable, or more uncomfortable, as you are trying to parent/live with ADHD 
• Trial and error will become your best friend and you will have more successful trials and errors as time goes on
• YOU GOT THIS!!!  
• You are not going to figure it all out at once, and that's ok.  Slow and steady wins the race :)

I hope this is able to help someone out there!  And feel free to comment with any questions, send me a personal message or email!  I want to help as best as I can so others don't have to feel alone in life as parents to kids with ADHD!

5 Years

Wow.  5 years.  I have made it to the point I never thought was possible.

I was talking with my sister the other night about this and I told her something I have never told anyone before.  After I had moved off base and into my home I spent many nights thinking I would never make it without Dustin.  I would never be able to raise these kids on my own, let alone handle everything life throws at you on a daily basis.  I really used to think that becoming a widow would kill me because the pain was so deep inside of me.  I honestly never thought I would live to see this day come.  Yet, here I am.  Standing tall, moving forward, and living life to its fullest.

Over the past month or so I have been doing a lot of thinking in my quiet moments about how far I truly have come.  For some reason with this being the fifth angelversary, my brain has been able to digest what it remembers from those first minutes, hours and days.  In those first minutes, it took everything I had to just breath.  In those first hours it was all I could do to just sit through the briefings I had with Casualty Affairs to go over how my life was changing.  In those first days all I did was think to myself, make it to lunch and then make it to bed time.  Wake up and repeat.  By dong that in those first several months, it got me through the darkest days and nights I have ever experienced.  Sometimes merely surviving is all we can do and we need to remember, that's ok.

What many people do not understand is that loosing your spouse turns your entire world upside down and inside out.  You do not know which way is up or which way is down.  You can't tell which is right and which is left.  You forget how to walk.  You forget how to talk.  You forget how you showered before or how you ate your favorite food.  You live in this alternate reality of wondering what your spouse would think of this or that and how they would feel about this or that.  Yet, you are constantly reminded that by thinking that way you keep your wound so open and fresh and painful.  So, you build a wall to keep those feelings out.  You set boundaries with your own mind and heart so you can keep living here without them.  When you set these boundaries you notice that small and silly things don't seem to matter anymore.  But big and deep things cripple you.  You have a hard time making small talk with others because those small and silly things don't matter.  You find that as time passes, your true tribe shines through.  You realize you have lost some people in the process but gained others.  You realize this new found tribe is just that.  Your tribe.  They help and encourage you.  They love you for you and not for who you were before and after your spouse died.  They love your kids so deeply too and help and encourage them.  You also start to realize as time passes that you are starting to become you again.  Not the you you were before, when your spouse was alive.  But the you you have had to become after they died.  You realize that there is no need to make others happy because the only happiness that matters, is yours.

I woke up this morning feeling completely rested.  Last night was the first night of the eve of this dreadful day that I was actually able to sleep.  And this morning was the first time on this dreadful day that I did not wake up in a panic.  My brain has been able to heal from all of these emotions I have felt in the past 5 years and it shows.  This doesn't mean that I still don't have more healing to do.  I know there will always be healing to complete along this journey.  But I can finally say, I have done hard things and I have done them well.  I have been able to climb the hardest and tallest mountain in my life thus far and make it to the top.  I have made it to the day I never thought I would see. . .

Realization

So I know its been over a year since I've written my last post.  And there is good reason for that.  In this past year I have done a lot of growing, learning and realizing many things.  This was the first year since Dustin's died that I actually felt like I could stand.  It's the first year I've felt "normal."  Whatever that is.

One of my realizations as of late is, who am I ?  With holidays coming, people have been asking me, what do YOU want for Christmas?  How are YOU doing?  What can I/we do for YOU?  And these things are things I've been asked several times before, but it wasn't until this year that I realized it is for just, me.  Since before graduating high school it was always Bri and Dusty or Dusty and Bri.  I found who I was as an adult, with him by my side.  He made me a better mother, a better wife, a better sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece and friend.  When I lost him, I lost everything I was.  And in this past year I have been working on finding ME again.  It hasn't been my most favorite thing to do, in fact it has been one of the most painful things I've ever had to do.  But its been worth it and very necessary.

Tonight I was watching my guilty pleasure show, Teen Mom OG, and one of the cast members is going to be going through a small separation from her husband.  She was talking with her producer and was saying how its always been her AND her husband since they were in Jr. High.  It's never been just her or just him and her husband felt as though it was important for them to take some time apart and work on just themselves and she, apprehensively, agreed.  As I watched that tonight it confirmed to me how important it is for me to find myself and that it's ok to do that.  Because I've always felt like its still Bri and Dusty.  Which still is true, but he isn't here on earth anymore to be part of that.

It's funny to me how I look for confirmation in things around me now that I don't have Dustin to help with that.  Which I guess is part of finding me again.  It's not something I enjoy doing and its pretty difficult to do, but like I've said before, its worth it.  I hope to be able to write more as I continue to find myself and share more of my realizations with all of you.  Just know if I don't, its because I'm working really hard on myself and don't have a way of vocalizing whats going on inside that brain of mine :)

 

Setting my Soul on Fire!

So in the past 3 1/2 years I have learned a lot about who I am as an individual, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend and a widow.  Today as I was scrolling through Instagram, like I do far more often than I'd like to admit, I stumbled across a quote.  No idea who said it, but it was on one of the widow pages I follow.  The quote read, "Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire."  Wow.  Did that not make a light bulb go off in my brain or what?!

When Dustin first died, I thought it was my job to continue to do the things he loved and was so passionate about.  I thought if I didn't I wouldn't be able to keep his legacy going.  So I did my best to do that.  Take the kids fishing, camping, quad riding, ingrain in their brains that we are Broncos fans and going on adventures where ever our gas tank could take us.  I quickly realized how incredibly painful that was.  Dustin was a VERY passionate person.  Like, almost obsessively passionate.  So to do these things without him was really hard for me.  Not only did I have so many small kids in tow, but he wasn't there to show how important this was to him, why he loved it so much and to teach the kids about it all.  That role now landed on me.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love to do all of those same things.  But I had other passions than he did and so I wasn't as knowledgeable as he was and didn't share the same exact love he did for them.  It also just flat out hurt me deep inside knowing he was never going to be able to do this with them, ever.  So I battled back and forth with this for a long time.  Should I just suck it up and suffer inside for the kids?  Or should I do similar things that I am more passionate about and really enjoy the time with the kids?

That question continued in my head for what seemed like forever.  So for a while, I just didn't do anything.  It was too hard with everything going on with the kids and having so many that still needed my help for 95% of their day.  But a few months ago I had a thought cross my mind.  That thought was, Brianna, go back to your roots.  Go back to what you love to do, Dustin loves you and wants you to enjoy this life.  So go back to what you knew before he came into your life.  Go back to your roots.  I sat there after hearing that thought and went, how?  How can I do that?  So I did what I know best and I prayed.  I prayed to Heavenly Father to help me find a way to make that happen, to find a way to remember what my roots are and to start to pursue them again.  As time passed and I continued to pray and try to work something out to get back to my roots, a perfect plan fell into place.  And I honestly couldn't have asked for a better plan to fall into place!

While my life is still incredibly hard day in and day out, I'm finally seeing glimpses of happiness come back.  I'm finally starting to feel whole again!  And the best part is, I feel comfort knowing that even though I might not be carrying his legacy on in those specific ways, I am able to carry it on in the best way for me and my kids.  Which is by setting my soul on fire to show them how life really can be lived to the fullest, just like their dad did every day.

M.I.A.

It's been a while since I've written.  A LLLOOOOOOOONNGGGGG while to be exact.  I guess it could be longer, but here I am, feeling the need to finally write again.  The start of year three was, as every start to a new year is, scary and new.  I knew my grief had changed.  I knew my kids' grief had changed.  What I didn't know was the challenges it would bring.

For the first time in my entire life, I can honestly say that I've actually, really struggled with getting out of bed every morning.  They say that in the first stages of grief that is completely normal.  Well, I must have missed that part of that stage, because it was easy for me to keep going then.  Now?  It's a completely different story.  But life has also drastically changed since then.  I look back on that time and honestly wish I could go back, compared to what I am dealing with now.  

Every morning, around 5a, I hear the stomps of little feet and loud screams and yells of children who are up and ready to start their day.  But, because of their change in grief, if I don't meet them out by a certain time, they start to panic that I have died or that I have disappeared.  So if I try to catch a few more zzz's or I pray a little longer so that I can try to have more patience, I am quickly bombarded with terrified children who have now started their day in complete panic mode.  What a way to start the day, huh?!  Once a day is started in panic mode, its hard to shift out of it.  So I am then dealing with multiple children who have panic attacks several times throughout the day and into the night.  On days we don't start in panic, we start in sensory overload.  Which also involves a lot of screaming and crying.  Almost identical to panic attacks, but worse because it deals with the sensory systems and there are certain things you can't control with that.  All of these things happen before 8a, or earlier.  

Now, while these panic attacks and sensory meltdowns are happening, those who are not directly affected by them are getting into trouble.  And I'm not talking easy mess to clean up.  I'm talking those crazy messes that you see on social media that the parents have recorded and gone viral for.  Only difference for me is that I usually don't have the time to record what has been done.  So I go from helping kids with panic attacks and sensory meltdowns (which is a CRAZY emotional roller coaster as a parent) to finding a HUGE mess(es) that I'm not even sure how to clean up!  All of which is usually happening before 10a-11a.  

I then have to figure out how to feed four of the PICKIEST eaters I've ever known, lunch.  How in the world do you do that after the type of morning I've just had?!  Extreme picky eaters are no joke and will literally starve before they will eat what you fixed.  And what you fixed could be what they asked for, but its too brown, or too cold, or too hot, or was cooked differently, etc.  So now you are stuck with kids who refuse to eat and are whining and complaining that they are starving and are then blaming you for making them starve.  SO SUPER FUN, RIGHT?!?!?!

By noon everyday, I've reached my patience limit.  But, there are still S E V E N hours until bed time.  We try to have quiet time, which is successful most of the time.  Unless Speedy Gonzales finishes all of their books to read, puzzles to do, pattern play to work on and coloring pages to color.  Then I have the million questions of what can I do now?  Can I . . . Over and over again until the youngest wakes up from her nap, crankier than before, because she didn't get to nap as long as she needed.  By then its only 1:30p-2p.  Now there are four hours to fill and zero patience to fill them with.  Somehow, and with the help of my grandma, brother and his girlfriend and my mom, I can make it through dinner time and make sure everyone is fed.  Dealing with the same extreme picky eating challenges I face at lunch.

Then it is finally bath and bed time.  Oh what a glorious time of day!!  Well, it should be right?  Not for me.  Bath time brings more sensory challenges with different kids than from the morning routine.  I usually end up soaked with soap everywhere and so does the bathroom.  As well as any animal that decided to join in on the "bathroom fun."  We then come to bed time and I am faced with kids who either can't fall asleep because they are terrified I am going to leave them or if I step foot outside that I will die, or who can fall asleep fast but not stay asleep because of night terrors.

We also have days filled with appointments.  These appointments aren't just any regular old appointment either.  They are specialist appointments because we aren't the "healthiest" family on the block.  So we spend a majority of our time in the car.  Going here there and everywhere.  Let's just say that you know you have a lot of appointments because when school's in, the registrar at your kids' school knows you on a first name/personal basis, knows your kids in the same way as well as what teacher they have, what room number they're in and knows if they are absent/tardy to just mark them as excused without having to call and clarify because you always come with Dr.'s notes.

Within these crazy, busy, highly emotionally, challenging days there still needs to be time carved out for light, I'm talking seriously light, housework.  Scratch that, I'm talking the necessities to keep our house and clothes clean!!  Let alone saving time for my brain to slow down long enough to actually sleep and let my mind and body recover from everything that happened that day!!

So this is why I have been M.I.A.  for the past 4 months.  And I don't write all of this for sympathy, I write all of this so if I have ignored you, haven't been super talkative, have had R.B.F. (in full force) or have hid away in my house, you understand why.  It's not easy being a truly single mother.  Let alone all of the medical issues and conditions we do have with their new grief mixed into that.  Just know that I am M.I.A. for good reasons . . . I am helping my kids navigate their new challenges that come from deep within themselves.  Some of which we are learning to control and some of which we just flat out can't control and are learning to cope with.  

   

My New Season of Grief

So I am now a month in to year three of loosing Dustin.  YEAR THREE!!  How has it been three years already?!  It feels like an eternity to me, but it also feels like it was yesterday.  I guess that's grief's way of putting it into perspective for me.  I've noticed something about my grief though and I don't think a lot of people know or understand where grief has taken me.

Year one was rough. 

      So many firsts.

      So much to wrap my brain around.

      So much to figure out.

      So much self-induced pressure to make life as perfect as it can be.

Year two was even harder!

     So much feeling and emotions surfaced.

     So many second firsts that actually could be remembered and felt.

     So much guilt for trying to hold on to a life that wasn't living anymore.

     So many unfamiliar situations that I had to face "alone."

But where has all of this, and much more, brought me?  It has brought me to where I am today.  It has made me who I am today because I didn't let any of it stop me.  

After my first year of being a widow, I went to a Widow's Conference.  In that conference I learned a very important lesson.  I was taught that it is OK to be sad, mad, frustrated and discouraged, but its not OK to stay there.  It is OK to give myself time limits to feel those negative emotions, but its not OK to unpack and stay in those emotions all the time.

Starting year three, I realized that a lot of people thought I would still be so incredibly sad that Dustin died.  But I am here to tell you that I am not nearly as sad as I used to be.  And it is because of what I learned at that Widow's Conference.  Life doesn't just stop when you loose your spouse.  So you are forced to make a choice.  To unpack and live in that horrible pity party, or to let yourself feel your emotions, work through them and let them go.  

My new season of grief involves random grief triggers that you didn't know existed.  It involves explaining again to my kids what happened to their dad, why it happened, when they will see him again and it not affecting me so badly that I'm paralyzed for the rest of the day.  It involves figuring out how to keep him alive in the appropriate way for my kids.  It involves figuring out how to be a single parent in the best way I can be, doing the best I can with what I have and being OK with that.  It involves being the only voice for myself and my kids.  It involves so much more than what meets the eye because its just become a part of who I am.  

I am grief.  

Grief is me.  

But it doesn't stop me like it used to.  It doesn't paralyze me like it used to.  It doesn't fog my brain as badly as it used to.  It is my new season of grief and I am excited to see what I can do with it!!