Reverence, is that possible?

Have you ever been in a situation that your ADHD kiddo is expected to be quiet, stay still and peaceful?

I’m sure we’ve all been in that situation. Whether it be at a doctors office, a funeral, church, a school performance, a play, family functions, military functions, other types of appts, etc. It is something that can’t be avoided, so how the heck do we get them to cooperate?! 

For the longest time I avoided those types situations. It was too overwhelming to try and control my kids in a circumstance that forced them to be controlled. I still do avoid them, depending on how I am feeling or what the circumstance/situation is. But I’ve also taught my kids certain words that mean it’s time to be quiet, still and peaceful. I’ve also taught them things to do to quietly to keep their minds going without making much, if any, noise. 

It started when they were about 18 months old. I’d teach them the word reverence/reverent. It’s a big word that is used commonly at our church, so it could be a familiar word that was also universal for me. Then once they hit kindergarten I start making them be responsible for their own bag to fill with things to help keep them quiet. I’ve taught them from a young age that seek and find books (and where’s Waldo, I spy), coloring books, fidgets (we have many), reading books and “quiet” toys can be put in the bag. I stay away from anything that could possibly make too much noise and electronics. Up until kindergarten I have supplied all of these things in “mommy’s bag” and they have to ask for permission to use anything in the bag. I still have this bag for spur of the moment times, but I feel teaching responsibility at a young age is SUPER important. 

All of this has paid off for me, too. Now that my kids are 10, 8, 7 and 5, I am able to sit through our church service and not have to really worry about my kids being irreverent. I don’t have to get on them much about being reverent and I know that they know what is expected of them when I say, it’s time to be reverent. Now, none of this would’ve happened without incredibly hard work and consistency on my part. But being consistent and doing what I didn’t want to do when it needed to be done has made this possible. And it can for you too. 

Parenthood is hard. If it’s not hard, you’re probably not doing as good of a job as you could be doing. Like my mom always told me, I’m not here to be tour best friend, I’m here to be your mom. But by her establishing that boundary, she is one of my greatest friends. This can happen with you and your kid(s), too, if you put in the hard work and determination it takes to raise good kids. 

If you want to know what I use for my kids, I’d be happy to share with you. But, you have to remember each child, their individual needs and likes/dislikes are totally different. And you’ll only find out by trying things, communicating with them about those things and by asking if they feel it’s helping them. 

How life is Now, 5 1/2 Years Later.

As many of you know, I have four kids with ADHD.  Two of them have severe ADHD, so severe it is considered a disability for them because it impacts their daily life so much.  This is the main reason I have been so absent on this blog.  Life stopped, for me, worrying about how to move forward as a widow and focused more on how to help my kids be the best version of themselves they could be.  So moving forward, I will be writing more about how life has changed dramatically for us, living and learning with ADHD.  But, I still feel it is part of my adventure as a widowed AMMO wife.  Being an AMMO wife is where my foundation started and is what has given me a lot of the strength to keep on keeping on.  So, without further adieu, here is my first post about how life has changed for us as a family full of ADHD. . .

Tonight I am going to talk about our journey into diagnosis and why medication became my saving grace.

It all started when my oldest was in the womb.  She was incredibly active from the time I could feel her moving inside my belly.  So active that I would loose a lot of sleep because of the fast and constant movements.  Once she was born, she never stopped.  Nothing would console her as a baby, not longer than 2 seconds anyway.  As she continued to grow I continued to notice that something was not quite right.  I felt she had WAY too much energy for a child of that age.  But doctors assured me I was a first time mom and just didn't know what to expect.  Which I partially took offense to.  I mean no one knows their child better than their mom.  But, whatever.  So we continued being the best parents we could and found out baby number two was rapidly coming, whether we were ready or not.  He came super fast and kind of early.  Being a preemie, he had lots of health issues.  He also had a lot of other issues that raised many red flags for me, but once again I was told that he was my first boy and boys are different than girls, so not to worry.  Fast forward 18 months and baby number three arrived and I was drowning as a mom.  My two and a half year old had the energy of a million energizer bunnies and my 1 1/2 year old had just a bit more energy.  I fought with doctor after doctor to get help for them because my mommy instincts were telling me that something was different, something was not right and they needed help.  But just as the previous doctors had told me, I was basically crazy.  Time continued on, we found out baby number four was coming and I was fit to be tied.  What was I doing to myself?  How could I possibly be mom to four kids, three of which I knew for sure had something going on.  Seven months pregnant with baby number four and my husband died.  Now what was I to do?!  Well, becoming a civilian real fast was probably the best thing that ever happened to me for my kids.  We were not dealing with military doctors anymore.  I finally was able to catch a break and get a doctor to listen to me about my kids.

My son was the first to be diagnosed.  He was diagnosed with an alphabet of disorders.  GAD, SPD, ASD, ADHD-C.  Oh. My. Word.  But I FINALLY had answers to all of his issues.  I had a direction to go and a light at the end of the tunnel!  At first, I was totally against medication for him as well.  I wanted to try natural remedies and therapy to help him.  But then he started preschool.  Things were now expected of him that hadn't been expected before.  The teacher could not control him and it almost was a disaster, until I changed my mind about medication.  Which was the best decision I ever made.  He was five at the time and his life changed for the better, too.  It has been a huge trial and error process with medication for him and now that he is almost nine, we have a combination of medications that work.  He is a successful member of society and school and no one can even tell that he has ADHD-C, ASD, GAD or SPD.  Miracle.

He helped pave the way for his older sister.  Now that I had my toughest kid under control, I could start to focus on the rest.  My oldest was right behind him in getting diagnosis and being put on medication.  She was diagnosed with ADHD-C and GAD at 6 and started meds immediately.  She is 10 now and we are still working on finding the right combination of medications for her.  But, what many don't understand, is that medicating for ADHD is a work in progress.  All. The. Time.  Especially for girls because they have hormonal changes that affect the way the medication works for them.  Finding the right psychiatrist and not getting discouraged is the best way to tackle medicating for ADHD.  As well as having the patience of a saint, or two, or three.

A few things to keep in mind while getting diagnosis and trying out medications:

• Don't get discouraged, you and your child are doing the best with what you have
• They are just as uncomfortable, or more uncomfortable, as you are trying to parent/live with ADHD 
• Trial and error will become your best friend and you will have more successful trials and errors as time goes on
• YOU GOT THIS!!!  
• You are not going to figure it all out at once, and that's ok.  Slow and steady wins the race :)

I hope this is able to help someone out there!  And feel free to comment with any questions, send me a personal message or email!  I want to help as best as I can so others don't have to feel alone in life as parents to kids with ADHD!

5 Years

Wow.  5 years.  I have made it to the point I never thought was possible.

I was talking with my sister the other night about this and I told her something I have never told anyone before.  After I had moved off base and into my home I spent many nights thinking I would never make it without Dustin.  I would never be able to raise these kids on my own, let alone handle everything life throws at you on a daily basis.  I really used to think that becoming a widow would kill me because the pain was so deep inside of me.  I honestly never thought I would live to see this day come.  Yet, here I am.  Standing tall, moving forward, and living life to its fullest.

Over the past month or so I have been doing a lot of thinking in my quiet moments about how far I truly have come.  For some reason with this being the fifth angelversary, my brain has been able to digest what it remembers from those first minutes, hours and days.  In those first minutes, it took everything I had to just breath.  In those first hours it was all I could do to just sit through the briefings I had with Casualty Affairs to go over how my life was changing.  In those first days all I did was think to myself, make it to lunch and then make it to bed time.  Wake up and repeat.  By dong that in those first several months, it got me through the darkest days and nights I have ever experienced.  Sometimes merely surviving is all we can do and we need to remember, that's ok.

What many people do not understand is that loosing your spouse turns your entire world upside down and inside out.  You do not know which way is up or which way is down.  You can't tell which is right and which is left.  You forget how to walk.  You forget how to talk.  You forget how you showered before or how you ate your favorite food.  You live in this alternate reality of wondering what your spouse would think of this or that and how they would feel about this or that.  Yet, you are constantly reminded that by thinking that way you keep your wound so open and fresh and painful.  So, you build a wall to keep those feelings out.  You set boundaries with your own mind and heart so you can keep living here without them.  When you set these boundaries you notice that small and silly things don't seem to matter anymore.  But big and deep things cripple you.  You have a hard time making small talk with others because those small and silly things don't matter.  You find that as time passes, your true tribe shines through.  You realize you have lost some people in the process but gained others.  You realize this new found tribe is just that.  Your tribe.  They help and encourage you.  They love you for you and not for who you were before and after your spouse died.  They love your kids so deeply too and help and encourage them.  You also start to realize as time passes that you are starting to become you again.  Not the you you were before, when your spouse was alive.  But the you you have had to become after they died.  You realize that there is no need to make others happy because the only happiness that matters, is yours.

I woke up this morning feeling completely rested.  Last night was the first night of the eve of this dreadful day that I was actually able to sleep.  And this morning was the first time on this dreadful day that I did not wake up in a panic.  My brain has been able to heal from all of these emotions I have felt in the past 5 years and it shows.  This doesn't mean that I still don't have more healing to do.  I know there will always be healing to complete along this journey.  But I can finally say, I have done hard things and I have done them well.  I have been able to climb the hardest and tallest mountain in my life thus far and make it to the top.  I have made it to the day I never thought I would see. . .