Comfort Zone

It has been very difficult for me to want to do anything this entire month.  Christmas was Dustin's other favorite holiday and he took over with so much of the festivities for this month.  So as I've had to take on that role of carrying on our family traditions and trying to start new ones, I've come to realize that I was in a HUGE comfort zone.

Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with being in a comfort zone.  I wish I could have mine back!  But what I am saying is that I was so not prepared for mine to completely disappear in the blink of an eye.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have it in the back of your mind as a military spouse.  But you NEVER really think it will happen to YOU.  So tonight, I write to you about my comfort zone and what I am struggling with now not having it.

I have always been a pretty independent woman.  If I can't do it, I learn how to do it or fail a thousand times trying to figure it out myself.  Well this was something that was a little strain in our relationship.  Dustin wanted to be able to do so many different things around the house or be able to figure it out as well.  But for a while, I would just do things because I knew they needed done and he was always gone working.  Well one day I woke up and realized that I needed to let him do those things so that he also felt like he was contributing to our household.  So I'd wait for him to help me do something or I'd let him do it himself.  Which sounds horrible that I "let" him because it wasn't so much that I "let" him but we wanted to make our marriage a team effort.  So together we defined what was "his" roles and what were "hers" roles within our home.  And things started getting a lot easier for both of us.  We weren't as stressed.  Things seemed to get done faster and in a better manner.  It helped to strengthen our relationship.  We had finally gotten to a point where things were comfortable and felt wonderful!!

When we found out that he would be going to Korea, we made a to do list of what needed to be done so that my load would be lighter after he left.  We completed that to do list with a few straggling items that couldn't quite be dealt with until it was a few months out from our big PCS.  So needless to say, we were both comfortable.  Loving life.  Finally enjoying life.  We would talk about how life was going so good for us that we wondered when our next big storm would hit.  Little did either of us know how big the storm really was going to be, how soon it would hit and how much it would mess up the comfort zone we had worked almost 8 years to create.

As I've sat here, there and every where over the past 9 months I have realized that when my comfort zone fell apart I was lost.  Heck, I still am a little (a lot) lost.  But I've been able to determine why I am so lost and why I haven't been able to find my new comfort zone.

I am so lost because I was completely blind sided by life!  Death is just as much a part of life as birth is.  No one is ever going to make it out of this world alive.  But I never expected it to happen so soon to my husband.  I never expected to have to endure this earthly life alone so young and with so many young children!  (whom I totally love and adore and am so glad I was chosen to be their mother)  But I never expected that I would have to actually use my independence in the way I am having to now.  Feeling as though I am forced to use it instead of wanting to use it.

I also haven't been able to find my new comfort zone because I am afraid.  I am afraid that I am going to loose it again.  I am so afraid that I will loose the ones close to me if I get too comfortable with them.  So as my survival instincts are telling me, keep your distance and you won't get as hurt.  Which in a way is true but who wants to keep their anxiety up?  Who wants to walk around in life feeling like they are the odd man out?  I did that already, I don't need to do that again.

So tonight I am going to set a challenge to all of you and to myself.  Look at your comfort zone.  Would you be able to survive if a part, the biggest part, of that was suddenly gone?  Could you gain enough courage to make another comfort zone for yourself?  That is what I am doing for myself tonight.  I am changing my mindset from fearful to courageous.  My wonderful softball coach always told me that the game was 90% mental and 10% physical.  Well folks, life is pretty much the same.  If we can all change our mindsets, prepare ourselves for the inevitable and learn to be courageous, our lives will be that much more blessed and feel that much more fulfilled.

I might not have my Teddy Bear here to complete my comfort zone anymore and I might still be struggling on a daily basis with making my new comfort zone.  But I am slowly but surely figuring out what that is.  So take on my challenge, try to some what prepare your self for what I was not able to prepare for.

May The Odds Be Ever In MY Favor!!

Oh how I wish the odds could be ever in my favor!!  Just like they seem to be for Katniss in the Hunger Games.  But wait, are they really in her favor?  It sure seems like she has to work REALLY hard to stay alive with all the other tributes and things definitely don't just come that easy for her.  There is a lot of strategy that takes place.

For a long time I have known I've needed to start my new normal.  And to be quite honest it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be.  But, like Katniss, I had no idea what to expect embarking on this new journey in life and I sure as heck had no idea how my fellow tributes would try to survive.

I came to find out they all have a different strategy than the one before and that age really doesn't make a difference.  Now if you are wondering who my fellow tributes are, they are my kids.  I have many other fellow tributes but they are truly the ones in the Hunger Games arena with me.  You might be asking why I am comparing this to the Hunger Games.  Well my dear friends, I am here to tell you, in this house it has been a game of survival of the fittest!!  I literally wake up each morning wondering how each of them are going to act that day!  Because like I said, they all have a different strategy on how to survive!!

First, my oldest girl is trying out being the instigator of naughty activities while being very silent about them and then showering you with love afterwards so the punishment isn't so fierce.  She thinks that she can get away with certain things and blame them on her younger siblings, but little does she know that her eldest and wisest tribute knows better.  Along with that she is trying to continue the sympathy card.  Which is a tough one to battle, but we take it as it is and just try to let her survive how she sees fit with that one.  Now she is also a good helper, but on her terms only.  She is pretty bratty when it comes to anything not being on her terms.

Second, my only little boy has been quite the leader.  At least in my opinion.  He has stepped up to the plate, at the ripe age of 3 1/2, to be there for me.  It hasn't always been like this and it wasn't until recently that he started doing this, but he figured out really quickly that if he does more helping than disobeying he gets further in the day without too much discipline.  

Third, the sweet forgotten tribute, is currently doing anything and everything she can to make it through to the next day and not end up as one of the tributes the canon is fired for.  You name it, she's done it.  And she likes to do it all naked.  With the exception of her diaper of course.  But man alive, you mess with her the wrong way, you better expect revenge back ten fold.  She might be tiny but boy she can dish it out!!  Part of it has to deal with her age, but honestly, I'm pretty sure she's trying to find her place within all of us tributes.  Can't be easy with 5 of us!

Last but not least, my fourth tribute is my little peacemaker.  She is so sweet all the time, puts a smile on every ones face and is working so hard to catch up with the rest of us.  I hope she stays this way, because having 4 other tributes to try and keep track of with such different and difficult strategies makes for a very tough day!!

Now as for me?  I was just trying to survive each day.  Make it through to bed time, enjoy my alone time and go to bed.  But I found that wasn't working for me.  I was pretty much letting the my fellow tributes have run of the arena to do whatever they wanted however they wanted to.  But quickly realized that it wasn't working in my favor.  So I decided I was going to take a stand.  I wasn't going to let certain behaviors fly anymore.  I wasn't going to take crap from them anymore.  I was going to show them that it is ok to fail, have everyone see you, pick yourself back up and keep going.  And since I have taken this new strategy (which has not been very long), I have found I am much more successful throughout my days in the arena.  I don't use this strategy everyday as I am still trying to learn how to mold it, but with each new task I take on, I feel much more accomplished.  I feel as if I am finally close to winning the Hunger Games rather than loosing them.  And that is an AMAZING feeling!!!

This round of the Hunger Games is a different round than I have ever played before.  Strategies are having to be changed day by day and sometimes even hour by hour.  But by acknowledging there needs to be a change, changing the strategy and pressing forward, we are all starting to be more successful.  And that's what matters right?  Katniss had to adjust several times in order to finally win the Hunger Games.  If we can all learn to step back, assess our situations and take care of what needs to be taken care of, we will all be pretty darn successful within our own individual Hunger Games!!  And May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor!!

Puzzles

As I sit here tonight in front of my awesome fire, I am completely overwhelmed.  You see, one of my faults is handling stress.  I don't seem to do it very well, in my opinion.  Many of you would argue this fact, but if you were a fly on my wall, you'd quickly see what I mean.  A few weeks ago I realized that my kids were acting out something HORRIBLE!  And I mean that in every sense of the word.  You name it, they probably did it.  But why were they acting out so badly?  We all know about the elephant in the room but why else were my kids acting out?  As I sat and pondered to myself one night it dawned on me.  I have been a horrible roll model and mother to them!  Maybe not all the time, but most of the time I have not been who I should be.  Do I have plenty of excuses?  Of course!  But why should I use excuses for being a naughty mom?  There is no logical reason for it.  At least not in my mind.  So how did I let myself get this bad?  What did I do to the old me?  Oh ya, she died the day she lost her eternal soulmate.  What was I to do to bring her back?  How could I become her again?  I came to the conclusion real quick that I wasn't ever going to get her back.  The puzzle that I had worked so hard to put together has a missing piece and that piece will never be put back with in this earthly life.  But I had worked so hard on that puzzle!!  How could I just put it to the side and let it sit with a missing piece?  My OCD would go crazy!!  Unfortunately, as much as my OCD would go crazy, I realized I had to put it to the side and wait for that missing piece to be found once again in the next life.

So now what?  I have to start a WHOLE NEW PUZZLE???  Really?  Gosh dang it!  I really don't like puzzles people.  I get very frustrated with them and I get frustrated with them fast.  But when I realized I needed to start my new puzzle I also realized that this was why I had been such a horrible roll model and mother to my kids.  I was trying to hold onto something that was never going to come back within this earthly life.  And as much as it pains me to press on, it is what I need to do in order to be that mother my kids deserve.  So I did a lot of soul searching and am still doing a lot of soul searching.  Within this soul searching, I have come to realize that I am honestly too blessed to be stressed.  I have so much to be thankful for on a daily basis that I shouldn't let the little things stress me out.  After all, everything always works out and it all happens for a reason.  So from now on, I choose to feel blessed and not stressed.  I'm learning my limitations.  I'm learning my shortcomings.  I'm learning my new groove.  I'm learning how to become more organized as a widowed, single mother of four beautifully amazing and spunky kids.  Is it an easy task?  Heck no!!  Is it a worthy task?  Heck yes!!  Do I still fail on an hourly basis?  Most definitely!  But I am learning.  And I am learning that I really am too blessed to be stressed!!  I am doing my best to make this weakness one of my strengths and be able to be that great example to my kids!!  They deserve it just as much, if not even more, than I do.