Earlier today all I kept thinking was, I really wish Dustin was here. I need him in the worlds worst way. I need his help. I need his comforting words. I need him to be here for our kids. I need him for me. You see, I am facing a new round of grief. One I'm becoming familiar with as the days turn into months and the months turn into years. One I'm learning to live with.
One thing a lot of people feel and think is that there is a time limit on grief. Well, apparently these people have never lost someone so close and significant to them because they are full of shit. When you loose someone so close to you, like I wrote in my previous post, there is this void that can never be filled. You have to learn how to live with this void and that is no easy task.
Lately I have been greatly struggling to stay afloat. At least that's how I feel. When you don't have another adult in the home, who knows how your household runs and knows your kids, knows you, you get lost in your own thoughts very quickly and easily. And these thoughts can be a wide array of things. So not having another voice of reason with you is hard. Flat out hard. So as today progressed, my thoughts also progressed.
I can't do this. I'm always 10 steps behind. Why can't I finish laundry? What new way can I display the routine chart so everyone can see it and complete the items in a timely manner? How am I going to teach them to do this? How am I going to accomplish that? Etc, etc. All of these thoughts and more run rabid in my brain and I don't have "my person" here with me anymore that can help calm them. So they run and run and run until I have a panic attack and crash. Which is what happened today.
I got to bath time and thought to myself, How great would it be to have my relief pitcher come home right now? I'd feel so much more secure, calm and at peace and my crashing panic attack would disappear in a moments notice. But, then that haunting thought came into my mind again, he won't ever come back home. He won't ever be my relief pitcher again. And that my friends, is a rough thing to continue to realize.
When you finally don't have the widow fog anymore and are able to really start thinking again, you realize that life must go on. Life needs to start where you are. Not where you left off. If you start where you left off, you'll be stuck forever. Trying to wrap your brain around the whole situation. So, like I've written before, you start a whole new routine. A whole new life learning to live without them.
For me, I've had to figure out how to live without daily relief. Dustin was so good at being my teammate. We worked in our home as a team so we could spend more time together. I've had to set boundaries for myself so that I can stay positive. Like putting positive and uplifting quotes next to old pictures of us so I can feel as if he's telling me those things, so I keep going. I've had to make myself do other things so that I'm not sitting here on the couch watching mindless TV to numb everything that happened throughout my day. Recently I've taken to reading books. Lots of books. I've had to do so much soul searching that I feel so mentally exhausted and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of a day. It's been hard learning to be accountable for myself when I was so used to being accountable with him.
I know I say it all the time, but this, learning to live without him, has been the hardest trial I've had to face yet. Loosing him was the easy part. Well, sort of. But learning to go on in this life without him has felt almost impossible lately. It is a momentary battle I face all day, every day. And most days, I really don't like it. But I keep persevering because I know the more faithful I am, the more diligent I am and the more I show that I accept God's plan for me, the better my reunion with him will be. I will continue to learn to live without him so that when the time has come, I can be with him for all of eternity :)
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Void with Security
So last night I was laying in bed scrolling through Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest. Like I always do. Every night. And that's when it hit me. I am filling a void. I am trying to fill the emptiness my soul feels. Every. Single. Minute. Of every. Single. Day.
Why? Why am I torturing myself with this every night? And MULTIPLE times during the day? Because I feel empty. I feel a major void in my heart, mind and soul and I'm trying to fill it.
So, why did it take me 2 1/2 years to finally realize that I am trying to fill a void? Because the whole first year is a complete shock, the second year is figuring out how to live life again and the start of your brain regaining its ground. As more time passes, it comes back even more and you're able to think about things on a deeper level. And when that light bulb went off last night, I actually saw it for what it is. For what it has been since he died in March of 2014.
A very dear friend of mine tagged me in a music video on Facebook last week and the song resonated with me more than anything ever has. The song is called "Jealous of the Angels." Its about a loved one being taken too soon and the grief that follows the shock of hearing that news, how there is another angel around the throne that night and being jealous of the angels around that throne. I have not cried that hard, probably since the day he died. But it's because I've been trying to fill that void instead of facing it.
Sometimes when you loose someone so close to you, who meant so much to you and was so much a part of your life, a part of you, it's hard to face the fact that they really truly are gone and that you have to go on living without them. That you have to go on raising your kids without them while also trying to keep their spirit alive for them. How can that be done when you feel so empty? How can you do this when you feel a HUGE void in your heart? How can you do this when your heart literally cringes when you look at pictures of them? Or think of memories with them in it? It's an answer I'm still diligently searching for and doing my best with in the mean time.
One thing I do know is that the more their name is spoken, the more memories are talked about and the more you are forced to look at pictures, the easier it becomes. The hurt is still there. And it is there very deep. But it becomes lighter in the sense of security. You still have those memories of them. You still hear their name. You still see the happiness in those captured memories on film. The void will always be there and trying to fill it with nonsense only makes it deeper. You aren't tackling that void. You aren't filling it with the right objects. I'm working on finding those right objects. I know a few really good ones. It's a matter of making them the priority and making them the security to my void so that I can build a bridge above it.
I will never overcome this void. It is not something that can be overcome. I will make this void a sense of security, though. I will build that bridge and make it the strongest bridge anyone has ever seen. It will be my void with security.
Why? Why am I torturing myself with this every night? And MULTIPLE times during the day? Because I feel empty. I feel a major void in my heart, mind and soul and I'm trying to fill it.
So, why did it take me 2 1/2 years to finally realize that I am trying to fill a void? Because the whole first year is a complete shock, the second year is figuring out how to live life again and the start of your brain regaining its ground. As more time passes, it comes back even more and you're able to think about things on a deeper level. And when that light bulb went off last night, I actually saw it for what it is. For what it has been since he died in March of 2014.
A very dear friend of mine tagged me in a music video on Facebook last week and the song resonated with me more than anything ever has. The song is called "Jealous of the Angels." Its about a loved one being taken too soon and the grief that follows the shock of hearing that news, how there is another angel around the throne that night and being jealous of the angels around that throne. I have not cried that hard, probably since the day he died. But it's because I've been trying to fill that void instead of facing it.
Sometimes when you loose someone so close to you, who meant so much to you and was so much a part of your life, a part of you, it's hard to face the fact that they really truly are gone and that you have to go on living without them. That you have to go on raising your kids without them while also trying to keep their spirit alive for them. How can that be done when you feel so empty? How can you do this when you feel a HUGE void in your heart? How can you do this when your heart literally cringes when you look at pictures of them? Or think of memories with them in it? It's an answer I'm still diligently searching for and doing my best with in the mean time.
One thing I do know is that the more their name is spoken, the more memories are talked about and the more you are forced to look at pictures, the easier it becomes. The hurt is still there. And it is there very deep. But it becomes lighter in the sense of security. You still have those memories of them. You still hear their name. You still see the happiness in those captured memories on film. The void will always be there and trying to fill it with nonsense only makes it deeper. You aren't tackling that void. You aren't filling it with the right objects. I'm working on finding those right objects. I know a few really good ones. It's a matter of making them the priority and making them the security to my void so that I can build a bridge above it.
I will never overcome this void. It is not something that can be overcome. I will make this void a sense of security, though. I will build that bridge and make it the strongest bridge anyone has ever seen. It will be my void with security.
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