Wow. 5 years. I have made it to the point I never thought was possible.
I was talking with my sister the other night about this and I told her something I have never told anyone before. After I had moved off base and into my home I spent many nights thinking I would never make it without Dustin. I would never be able to raise these kids on my own, let alone handle everything life throws at you on a daily basis. I really used to think that becoming a widow would kill me because the pain was so deep inside of me. I honestly never thought I would live to see this day come. Yet, here I am. Standing tall, moving forward, and living life to its fullest.
Over the past month or so I have been doing a lot of thinking in my quiet moments about how far I truly have come. For some reason with this being the fifth angelversary, my brain has been able to digest what it remembers from those first minutes, hours and days. In those first minutes, it took everything I had to just breath. In those first hours it was all I could do to just sit through the briefings I had with Casualty Affairs to go over how my life was changing. In those first days all I did was think to myself, make it to lunch and then make it to bed time. Wake up and repeat. By dong that in those first several months, it got me through the darkest days and nights I have ever experienced. Sometimes merely surviving is all we can do and we need to remember, that's ok.
What many people do not understand is that loosing your spouse turns your entire world upside down and inside out. You do not know which way is up or which way is down. You can't tell which is right and which is left. You forget how to walk. You forget how to talk. You forget how you showered before or how you ate your favorite food. You live in this alternate reality of wondering what your spouse would think of this or that and how they would feel about this or that. Yet, you are constantly reminded that by thinking that way you keep your wound so open and fresh and painful. So, you build a wall to keep those feelings out. You set boundaries with your own mind and heart so you can keep living here without them. When you set these boundaries you notice that small and silly things don't seem to matter anymore. But big and deep things cripple you. You have a hard time making small talk with others because those small and silly things don't matter. You find that as time passes, your true tribe shines through. You realize you have lost some people in the process but gained others. You realize this new found tribe is just that. Your tribe. They help and encourage you. They love you for you and not for who you were before and after your spouse died. They love your kids so deeply too and help and encourage them. You also start to realize as time passes that you are starting to become you again. Not the you you were before, when your spouse was alive. But the you you have had to become after they died. You realize that there is no need to make others happy because the only happiness that matters, is yours.
I woke up this morning feeling completely rested. Last night was the first night of the eve of this dreadful day that I was actually able to sleep. And this morning was the first time on this dreadful day that I did not wake up in a panic. My brain has been able to heal from all of these emotions I have felt in the past 5 years and it shows. This doesn't mean that I still don't have more healing to do. I know there will always be healing to complete along this journey. But I can finally say, I have done hard things and I have done them well. I have been able to climb the hardest and tallest mountain in my life thus far and make it to the top. I have made it to the day I never thought I would see. . .
