So I know its been over a year since I've written my last post. And there is good reason for that. In this past year I have done a lot of growing, learning and realizing many things. This was the first year since Dustin's died that I actually felt like I could stand. It's the first year I've felt "normal." Whatever that is.
One of my realizations as of late is, who am I ? With holidays coming, people have been asking me, what do YOU want for Christmas? How are YOU doing? What can I/we do for YOU? And these things are things I've been asked several times before, but it wasn't until this year that I realized it is for just, me. Since before graduating high school it was always Bri and Dusty or Dusty and Bri. I found who I was as an adult, with him by my side. He made me a better mother, a better wife, a better sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece and friend. When I lost him, I lost everything I was. And in this past year I have been working on finding ME again. It hasn't been my most favorite thing to do, in fact it has been one of the most painful things I've ever had to do. But its been worth it and very necessary.
Tonight I was watching my guilty pleasure show, Teen Mom OG, and one of the cast members is going to be going through a small separation from her husband. She was talking with her producer and was saying how its always been her AND her husband since they were in Jr. High. It's never been just her or just him and her husband felt as though it was important for them to take some time apart and work on just themselves and she, apprehensively, agreed. As I watched that tonight it confirmed to me how important it is for me to find myself and that it's ok to do that. Because I've always felt like its still Bri and Dusty. Which still is true, but he isn't here on earth anymore to be part of that.
It's funny to me how I look for confirmation in things around me now that I don't have Dustin to help with that. Which I guess is part of finding me again. It's not something I enjoy doing and its pretty difficult to do, but like I've said before, its worth it. I hope to be able to write more as I continue to find myself and share more of my realizations with all of you. Just know if I don't, its because I'm working really hard on myself and don't have a way of vocalizing whats going on inside that brain of mine :)
