So in the past 3 1/2 years I have learned a lot about who I am as an individual, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend and a widow. Today as I was scrolling through Instagram, like I do far more often than I'd like to admit, I stumbled across a quote. No idea who said it, but it was on one of the widow pages I follow. The quote read, "Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire." Wow. Did that not make a light bulb go off in my brain or what?!
When Dustin first died, I thought it was my job to continue to do the things he loved and was so passionate about. I thought if I didn't I wouldn't be able to keep his legacy going. So I did my best to do that. Take the kids fishing, camping, quad riding, ingrain in their brains that we are Broncos fans and going on adventures where ever our gas tank could take us. I quickly realized how incredibly painful that was. Dustin was a VERY passionate person. Like, almost obsessively passionate. So to do these things without him was really hard for me. Not only did I have so many small kids in tow, but he wasn't there to show how important this was to him, why he loved it so much and to teach the kids about it all. That role now landed on me. Now, don't get me wrong, I love to do all of those same things. But I had other passions than he did and so I wasn't as knowledgeable as he was and didn't share the same exact love he did for them. It also just flat out hurt me deep inside knowing he was never going to be able to do this with them, ever. So I battled back and forth with this for a long time. Should I just suck it up and suffer inside for the kids? Or should I do similar things that I am more passionate about and really enjoy the time with the kids?
That question continued in my head for what seemed like forever. So for a while, I just didn't do anything. It was too hard with everything going on with the kids and having so many that still needed my help for 95% of their day. But a few months ago I had a thought cross my mind. That thought was, Brianna, go back to your roots. Go back to what you love to do, Dustin loves you and wants you to enjoy this life. So go back to what you knew before he came into your life. Go back to your roots. I sat there after hearing that thought and went, how? How can I do that? So I did what I know best and I prayed. I prayed to Heavenly Father to help me find a way to make that happen, to find a way to remember what my roots are and to start to pursue them again. As time passed and I continued to pray and try to work something out to get back to my roots, a perfect plan fell into place. And I honestly couldn't have asked for a better plan to fall into place!
While my life is still incredibly hard day in and day out, I'm finally seeing glimpses of happiness come back. I'm finally starting to feel whole again! And the best part is, I feel comfort knowing that even though I might not be carrying his legacy on in those specific ways, I am able to carry it on in the best way for me and my kids. Which is by setting my soul on fire to show them how life really can be lived to the fullest, just like their dad did every day.
