So which way makes you feel more comfortable?
The second way definitely makes me feel more comfortable. Which is why I answer that question 99.9% of the time that way. But I haven't always answered the question that way. I used to answer it the first way. Why put up a front when honesty is the best policy? Well, I started slipping into a horrible, negative downward spiral because I truly believed I would always be that way.
These negative spirals are so easy to get caught and stuck in. It's way easier to tell myself that I can't do it. I can't be the mom these kids need. I can't clean my house. I can't lift that weight for back squats. I can't eat healthy. I can't, I can't, I can't. I quickly realized that living this way was not doing me any favors. I was practicing what I was preaching to myself and everything around me crumbled. And I kept letting it. Until one day I realized I had to stop.
But how? How could I stop this negative spiral from continuing?
Right around when I realized this, the LDS church had their General Woman's Broadcast. I kept getting that whisper in my head, "Brianna, you need to go. Brianna, you can't miss this one. Brianna, you need to hear the words that will be spoken at this conference." These words kept eating away at me. How was I going to be able to go? I needed a sitter for all of my kids and most of my go to sitters would be going as well. Then it dawned on me, I have family! Luckily Dustin's mom was available and jumped up like it was nothing to come watch them so I could go. As I sat in that chapel, listening to the words from the speakers, I knew why I needed to be there. All of the talks were amazing and just what I needed to hear. But the very last speaker, President Uchtdorf, spoke more than a thousand words to me.
He used a parable, just as Jesus did in the old days, to get his point across. In his parable there was a little girl who was to go live with her great aunt while her mother recovered from surgery over the summer. This great aunt had never married, never had any kids and had always been alone. Except for a pet cat. This girl was very nervous and apprehensive to go live with her great aunt. But what she didn't realize was that her great aunt was a wonderful, happy and fun woman! She had many friends and people that loved her. But why? She was completely alone. Life didn't go as it should have. This little girls great aunt explained to her that many years ago, she realized life wasn't going the way it should have and so she decided she was going to make the best of her life and be as happy as she could be with what she had.
Um, WOW. What a strong woman! She found happiness during a time in her life when she could've chosen to stay so miserable! Well holy tollitos batman! That's me! Life definitely did not go as planned in my book. So, where do I go from here?
How can I make my life happy?
Folks, I'm here to tell you it starts with me. Like Kenny Cheney sings in his song, Never Wanted Nothing More, "I'm what I am, I'm what I'm not. I'm sure happy with what I've got. I live to love and laugh a lot, and that's all I need." Well shit Sherlock! I need to live this! Love this and own this! I am still working on it though. It is not an easy task to be ok with who you are after such a great loss. Putting those puzzle pieces back together is hard when there will always be a missing piece. But by finding the positive in everything I do on a daily basis, I am starting to see how life really is going how it should! At last I see the light! And it's like the fog has lifted! And at last I see the light! And it's like the sky is new! And it's warm and real and bright, and the world has somehow shifted! Oh wait, sorry, not watching Tangled or anything right now . . .
What I'm saying is that I no longer hate the question, How are you doing? I'm sure some days I still will hate this question. It's inevitable, but 99.9% of the time, I can now answer with my second answer and actually believe it and own it. It is a good way to keep me in check. Make sure I am still doing my best at making my life happy with what I've got. And my friends, that's all I need :)
So, how are YOU doing?
